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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A low blow or did I deserve it?

113 replies

justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 19:57

OH and I have a good relationship, lots of stresses and strains with work, kids etc that I do let get on top of me.. Every couple of weeks I will have a bit of a blow and an argument will ensue. He has very clever ways of pushing my buttons so that I blow hotter and he gets calmer and calmer. I can and do have a temper, I've been using lots of therapy for this and my hormones are in a bit of a mess. Can't take HRT, tried Prozac and it was horrendous and made me ill. So, I'm plodding away trying to keep my life as balanced as possible, understandin that arguments happen and trying to keep my fuse as long as possible.
So, back story over, kids wound me up last night and I niggled and an argument occurred. I then got the complete silent treatment this morning which drives me crazy.
A few weeks back for his birthday I made him a scrap book, containing all the reasons I love him. It took hours and was heartfelt and had lots of pics and memories etc. He was emotional when he opened it and said he'd rather wait til he had private time to absorb it.

Needless to say, I come home from work today and the book has been read and is being used as ammunition. How can I behave the way I do and yet I've said I love him so much? I feel really hurt that he has used this as a tool to prove a lesson. Or is he within his rights and I am deflecting? He's also said he won't talk to me again until I apologise and explain my behaviour. I am furious at these two things and feel I am being treated like a child! Any thoughts please? I am not a bad person, I do get stressy and anxious but I am not nasty

OP posts:

Halo84 · 26/04/2019 23:36

My father was like this. At work he was calm and professional but every few weeks blew up, mostly at my mother but sometimes at me or my siblings. It had a profoundly negative effect on all of us.

Get some counselling or find an outlet when you’re stressed-go for a workout, a walk, go listen to calming music. As someone who lived with a parent like this, it’s toxic in ways you don’t see.

MrsTeaspoon · 27/04/2019 01:13

Every two weeks sounds like a hormonal cycle tbh - is it worth researching supplements etc that may help/talking to doctor? I know sometimes contraception can be changed, St Johns Wort is lauded etc. However, at the end of the day how you react to the world/your DH/your children is your choice and there are consequences to your actions.
Something to think about - if you spend a while Purposely not reacting then you will be able to work out if it’s you or him that is behaving in a way that is manipulative/unpleasant to begin with - it doesn’t sound like you are sure if it’s him or you.
We all have personal autonomy, you have the power to change the dynamics for the better...or leave if you can’t as it sounds like people have to walk on eggshells around you - very, very unpleasant for children to grow up like this.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 27/04/2019 07:13

've done loads of CBT, mindfulness, exercise, journaling, you name it and felt better and more in control. This last few weeks I've let it drift or been interrupted when doing it. I need to put more work into making sure I have the time

This is really positive. So if DH wants to solution something then he can find you some uninterrupted time!

InTheHeatofLisbon · 27/04/2019 07:19

If it's hormonal would the pill help? That levelled out my PMS when I was a teenager because I used to be a complete mess then when hormones kicked in.

Or different anti depressants? I don't get on with a few different kinds but have settled with amitriptyline and it's helping me to cope with stress better.

coldshins · 27/04/2019 07:25

Can you please tell us more about the house set up - who does what, what hours you both work, hobbies, kids ages and commitments? I'm trying to understand the bigger picture - you sound frustrated. The arguing sounds like a symptom not the main problem. Is this an equal relationship?

Iggly · 27/04/2019 07:25

Are you able to articulate your emotions at the time as opposed to blowing up every now and then?

Also your dh seems a bit of a knob with the silent treatment and throwing the whole “don’t you love me” nonsense.

My perspective is that my dh can be emotionally stunted. So if I’m finding things difficult and want to discuss feelings he puts me off and distracts me. I get annoyed and used to end up getting cross to try and get a proper discussion out of him. Immature but he was part of the problem. Now I make sure I speak up and so does he.

Loopytiles · 27/04/2019 07:27

Do you both work FT? If so, you doing far more of the domestic work and parenting, would be unfair.

aprilshowers12 · 27/04/2019 07:48

I don't think you sound abusive OP. It sounds to me as if you have trouble expressing your emotions in a way that doesn't leave you wide open to the behaviour your DH exhibits afterwards. I have a friend who sounds like you and I can see it's the way she manages stress that becomes the problem although her behaviour could be construed as abusive when she starts weeping, wailing and ranting. She just doesn't seem to be able to find the words to express that she's exhausted managing the teenagers, house and work. So she lets things carry on until she 'blows' and she ends up looking unbalanced and she's covered in snot crying and her husband holds his hands up in mock surprise that's she's 'hysterical' that the dishwasher hasn't been emptied. She doesn't do this anywhere but at home so clearly able to control it. Maybe you could look at a course at assertiveness? I've done them with work and it gives you skills to put your point across without becoming a blubbering wreck

Travelban · 27/04/2019 09:07

I work full time and have four children and if like me you font have any help it can be exhausting. I have been sat in my room crying to Dh in z regular basis, especially when the kids were younger. Outbursts were regular too, a lot less now they srd older and I feel less stressed.

Nothing to do with handling emotions, just sheer amount of work. It just sounds like you need help around the house, Dh needs to do more and you need to find more time for a break.

mummmy2017 · 27/04/2019 09:12

Use the loo method....I saw it years ago...
If you get into an arguement, before it turns nasty ....go the loo....
Sit there until you calm down, or until you can think straight. Breath, write on here, read a book..
If the other person is shouting through the door just ignore ...
Give it at least 5 mins...
If it starts up again... Just say. I have a bad tummy and repeat...
Remember you can never win if you lose your temper...

IncrediblySadToo · 27/04/2019 09:16

I’m a bit concerned that you’re the one who is being gaslighted and abused. It’s easy to portray yourself as the one with the problem, when your partner has consistently told you that you. When your reaction to their constant gaslighting and winding up makes you angry or upset you’re the one with the problem...except you’re not. Ask yourself honestly, would you feel like this is you lived alone? Or just with the kids. Think carefully. A lot of abused women don’t even realise they’re being abused.

Original poster

justkeepgoing76 · 27/04/2019 09:31

I had been taking myself out of situations where I felt a build of pressure. Putting my shoes on and running or simply going to another room. Unfortunately I've let it slip and given in to the red mist. I seem to have put the toolbox away that I built up so need to revisit and practice.
I don't think I am being abused or that there is heavy gaslighting going on. I think he can and does manipulate situations that are tense, I lose my cool and it becomes all about me going "crazy lady". I also think I carry and am handed a lot of guilt and these things aren't being left in the past. That being said, I am in control of where these things go and how I can handle them better so I do believe if I reacted differently (which I have done in the past) it wouldn't come to this.
My hormones play a huge part, they are exceptionally low, but I can't take HRT or the pill so will maybe revisit other options. I took St. John's wort but, again, stopped taking them.
Maybe it's too late and he has given up.

OP posts:

Iggly · 27/04/2019 09:39

I think he can and does manipulate situations that are tense, I lose my cool

That was something my dh did - then he’d be painting himself as the reasonable one when actually he had a part to play in things. It took me years to realise that and I spent a long time thinking I was the one with the problem. When actually both of us were not acting in the best way!

mummmy2017 · 27/04/2019 09:43

Can I make a suggestion....
Find a common interest with your husband...
Read the same book.
Plan a holiday...
Anything that is not related to the House...
I found when I had nothing to talk about, you talk about the household, which makes you mad, which he can't help with as he is not there,.

Having a shared thing , means you do have something to fall back on...

Shinyletsbebadguys · 27/04/2019 09:44

Actually I think you are taking on board the comments in a reasonable way.

I also don't think any of this is cut and dried. No you can't just let it go and continue behaving the way you have . I think you recognise that.

I do think you DP could have handled it better but as other pp have said it sounds like he's trying , badly, to get across that you have let it escalate and it's unreasonable.

Human beings are complex and you do need to look after yourself and get the toolkit out but shame certainly isn't going to be a part of that. When you have resolved your stuff and back on am even keel I would be discussing with your partner how to resolve it in future if it happens again. These things are best said and discussed when the pressure is off and after ryou have resolved your side of it.

Kicking yourself and calling yourself a cunt to be honest is a little self indulgent that's why pp pulled you up on it. If you feel you are wrong change your behaviour ...no need for exclamations of shame.

However for what it's worth I am impressed you have taken it on board. Takes some strength to hear that you are in the wrong and put a plan to fix it...its now important you actually implement the plan

Good luck op

Summersunsareglowing · 27/04/2019 09:50

If you argue every 2 weeks I can totally see why your OH is confused and using things in the scrapbook against you. The two behaviours aren't in synch with each other.

It sounds like you need anger management counselling and lessons in assertiveness so that you stop the verbal aggression.

How long do you think your marriage can survive a blow up every 2 weeks? It will get to the stage where arguing and apologising afterwards isn't good enough. What you need to do is stop blowing up in the first place. I wouldn't stay with someone I argue with on a fortnightly basis. What kind of life is that? What kind of example is being set to your children?

Original poster

justkeepgoing76 · 27/04/2019 15:58

Thanks for all your feedback and opinions everyone x

OP posts:

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 27/04/2019 19:19

...….'He has very clever ways of pushing my buttons so that I blow hotter and he gets calmer and calmer. I can and do have a temper....'

OP your DH is abusive doing this to you!!

He knows it winds you up and he is doing it at your expense and the expense of your children. Shame on h him.

Original poster

justkeepgoing76 · 27/04/2019 19:56

Well, 48 hours on and let's just say I've very firmly had "a taste of my own medicine". Home truths laced with silent treatment and some horrible things said. All that I deserve. I am most certainly owning this!

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 27/04/2019 20:03

Please don't be too hard on yourself, it is hormonal...
If you can see your doing it and walk away for a bit....then I am sure your DH will enjoy a great summer with you...

Original poster

justkeepgoing76 · 27/04/2019 20:22

Thanks, I will do this in future. If there's still one there. He is so gone it's not looking likely!

OP posts:

RedDogsBeg · 27/04/2019 20:53

Has your husband reached the point of no return?

You can apologise for your behaviour until you are blue in the face but the apologies become meaningless unless you change the behaviour, have you told him you will address the behaviour and what steps you will take to do that? Have you said it before and nothing has changed so he no longer believes you?

The status quo is not good for any of you, you, your husband and your children. Do you think you and your husband have it within you to turn this around?

Original poster

justkeepgoing76 · 27/04/2019 21:01

It would appear so. And yes, I have said it won't happen again and it has.

OP posts:

RedDogsBeg · 27/04/2019 21:07

Oh dear, OP. Don't stop trying to deal proactively with your behaviour, it will benefit you in the long run.

Original poster

justkeepgoing76 · 27/04/2019 21:09

Thank you. I won't. I'm gutted tbh. Totally distraught. I can't find the right thing to say and I'm right out of time machines. Apologies are useless, future plans are useless. All right now at least. I have no idea what to say to him or what to do

OP posts:

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