A low blow or did I deserve it?

[justkeepgoing76]

OH and I have a good relationship, lots of stresses and strains with work, kids etc that I do let get on top of me.. Every couple of weeks I will have a bit of a blow and an argument will ensue. He has very clever ways of pushing my buttons so that I blow hotter and he gets calmer and calmer. I can and do have a temper, I've been using lots of therapy for this and my hormones are in a bit of a mess. Can't take HRT, tried Prozac and it was horrendous and made me ill. So, I'm plodding away trying to keep my life as balanced as possible, understandin that arguments happen and trying to keep my fuse as long as possible.
So, back story over, kids wound me up last night and I niggled and an argument occurred. I then got the complete silent treatment this morning which drives me crazy.
A few weeks back for his birthday I made him a scrap book, containing all the reasons I love him. It took hours and was heartfelt and had lots of pics and memories etc. He was emotional when he opened it and said he'd rather wait til he had private time to absorb it.

Needless to say, I come home from work today and the book has been read and is being used as ammunition. How can I behave the way I do and yet I've said I love him so much? I feel really hurt that he has used this as a tool to prove a lesson. Or is he within his rights and I am deflecting? He's also said he won't talk to me again until I apologise and explain my behaviour. I am furious at these two things and feel I am being treated like a child! Any thoughts please? I am not a bad person, I do get stressy and anxious but I am not nasty

Am i the only person on here who sees the husband as abusive. Giving the silent treatment, aka as stonewalling is highly abusive and used as a method of controlling the other person. It is very difficult to resolve any issues when the party refuses to engage. I think Op needs to see her own behaviour in the context of what her partner is doing to help HIS partner who also has a full time job and 4 children. Is the bulk of the childcare and household chores being done by her? How are they both going to work toward a happier relationship?

I wouldn't say anything to your husband at the moment, it's all been aired now and I think you both need time to take it all in and let the dust settle, no good decisions are made when emotions are running high.

Oh and how strange that it's nearly always the men who leave, leaving the children . . .

I don't think the OP's husband has left and I disagree that the husband is abusive, from what the OP has said he sounds like someone who has tried various ways of coping/dealing with the situation and has now reached the point where he cannot or doesn't want to do it anymore. There is only so much someone can take, only so many apologies and promises to address their behaviour and not do so before a limit is reached.

It may not be all over, this may be the point they both needed to reach before proper, long term sustainable changes are made.

Jon65 I agree with you - he plays a Big part in this negative cycle and puts the blame solely on OP.

Justkeepgoing76 is also right - let the dust settle a bit, because this isn't all your fault. I think he plays you like a fiddle.

Could you book a private appointment with an endocrinologist? You mentioned HRT and Prozac in your first post. It could be hormonal. I know people with PMT who are absolutely raging and cannot help it.
And I do think your husband was being unnecessarily mean to take something thoughtful you did and use it against you.

Apologies - I didn't read the entire thread as it was just a pile on on 'own your shit' and I thought that was cruel. Please see a bloody good specialist - before you lose your sanity!

Oh my God, the man haters are back out in full force. If this were the opposite way round, youd be saying to LTB.

OP I think you've taken everyone's thought on board well, and fair play to you. Hormones can play a massive thing, I'm horrendous and insecure during my cycle, but I recognise it and try and manage. Sometimes it works, sometimes I have to remove myself. I try and remind myself how hurtful i am, not shouting but just with normal words and how I say something.

Speak to the gp. Even if for the kids. Your DH sounds like he loves you madly so perhaps when he sees actions and you pro actively taking control itll help him realise and then maybe think of ways he can support you with it all.

Good luck to you both

I only had to read the first few lines to discover he's a narcissist.

That pressing your buttons thing and getting calmer and calmer as you get more and more upset is absolutely classic narcissism. Loads of videos on youtube about it.

Basically, normal people generate their own emotional energy - we can calm ourselves down when needed or lift ourselves when down. Narcissists need an external supply and they will literally drain your emotional energy to meet their own needs.

That's why arguing with them is like banging your head against a brick wall.

Long term you should leave. To keep your sanity in the short term you will need strategies to keep things polite and civilised but maintain healthy emotiobal detachment. Lots of good books and info out there.

If you had read the thread you would have seen that every two weeks this happens.
Justkeepgoing has admitted she started it this time over the kids and the mess...
I hate how some posters jump in on, it is always the man, when sometimes the OP starts it and the man is reacting...

Showing him your taking steps to control your temper helps, and helps you feel better about yourself....Which help improve the households flow...
Ranting on here helps so much as well. It means your not alone....

He wasn't reacting though was he?

In a normal argument things can get heated. That's not abuse - that's part of life for most people.

When one individual is getting calmer and calmer as their partner becomes more and more emotionally heated there is a worrying dynamic at play.

I was involved with a man who blew up at everything. He was also physically violent. Did i sit there getting calmer and calmer as he got more and more angry? No, of course not. I was terrified for myself and my kids.

Only narcissists visibly relax as the person they argue with gets more and more irate.

Thanks it's really helped having you all here. Even all the harsh yet realistic comments. He's certainly not getting calmer and calmer tonight. I've listened to it all, and boy it's been hard to take but as Mrs Blunt suggested, I am owning it.
And before anyone asks kids have been out or at sleepovers. Home now and I'm going to bed x

Jon65 and keepcool I agree with you too.

OP you sound very like me in a previous relationship. I always looked like the headcase. Then I stumbled upon a website about passive-agressive people and all their little strategies. It rang a million bells and described my partner to a tee.

Eventually I threatened to leave because it was so awful. I really meant it and he knew it. His behaviour changed overnight. Which of course meant that he had indeed been playing me like a fiddle, as keepcool says, during our rows and gaslighting me about it the whole time.

We split up and strangely enough, despite the stress of that, my supposed mental health/hormonal/anger management issues vanished. I'm with someone else now and I never behave like I did then. Funny that.

I agree with others that losing your temper on such a regular basis isn't good at all and you are ultimately responsible for your responses to stress, but don't assume that it's all you just because he's the quiet one. Read up about PA behaviour and see if it rings any bells for you.