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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A low blow or did I deserve it?

113 replies

justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 19:57

OH and I have a good relationship, lots of stresses and strains with work, kids etc that I do let get on top of me.. Every couple of weeks I will have a bit of a blow and an argument will ensue. He has very clever ways of pushing my buttons so that I blow hotter and he gets calmer and calmer. I can and do have a temper, I've been using lots of therapy for this and my hormones are in a bit of a mess. Can't take HRT, tried Prozac and it was horrendous and made me ill. So, I'm plodding away trying to keep my life as balanced as possible, understandin that arguments happen and trying to keep my fuse as long as possible.
So, back story over, kids wound me up last night and I niggled and an argument occurred. I then got the complete silent treatment this morning which drives me crazy.
A few weeks back for his birthday I made him a scrap book, containing all the reasons I love him. It took hours and was heartfelt and had lots of pics and memories etc. He was emotional when he opened it and said he'd rather wait til he had private time to absorb it.

Needless to say, I come home from work today and the book has been read and is being used as ammunition. How can I behave the way I do and yet I've said I love him so much? I feel really hurt that he has used this as a tool to prove a lesson. Or is he within his rights and I am deflecting? He's also said he won't talk to me again until I apologise and explain my behaviour. I am furious at these two things and feel I am being treated like a child! Any thoughts please? I am not a bad person, I do get stressy and anxious but I am not nasty

OP posts:
Decormad38 · 26/04/2019 20:33

You sound quite childish. You seem to like the ups and downs. Shouty one minute and making scrapbooks for him the next. I bet he’s walking on egg shells.

Original poster
justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 20:38

I hear you all.

OP posts:
porger80 · 26/04/2019 20:47

I get angry with my OH too and I also love him with all my heart. I take my frustrations out on him which isn't fair. The only thing you can do is explore where that anger is coming from - if it's from him then the relationship needs work. If it's coming from you (unresolved stuff from past or present) then you need to work on that. I also know that the older I get the more my hormones are playing into my emotions. I try to chart my anger and see a cyclical pattern and that helps)

RedDogsBeg · 26/04/2019 20:50

I have and do apologise when I am in the wrong. I have and did apologise about last night.

Apologies and even heartfelt scrapbooks become meaningless if the behaviour requiring apology for doesn't change.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 26/04/2019 20:50

Op I think that you've tried to paint a picture of your life with your DH using broad strokes but your use of language is strange to read you blow and an argument ensues
An argument occurred
An argument happened

This is really peculiar. Arguments don't just happen, somebody has to start an argument.
I think you need to be really honest with yourself about what happens when you blow and you and your DH argue.
However I also find it really bizarre that he's using silence and then a gift you gave him to make a point. And telling you to apologise and explain your behaviour. That sounds more like language a parent would use.
I really think that you both need help to negotiate a grown up relationship. As a pp suggested

StroppyWoman · 26/04/2019 20:51

You need to seek help. What you are describing is not normal, not within the range of "a fiery relationship."

I'm sure you do love him, but your behaviour is unacceptable.

Shouldershrugger · 26/04/2019 20:53

Every one has a breaking point. Your dp has reached his. You should apologise and take measures to handle your moods better. This disregard is complete entitlement on your part and good on your dp for growing some.

CassandraCross · 26/04/2019 20:56

However I also find it really bizarre that he's using silence and then a gift you gave him to make a point. And telling you to apologise and explain your behaviour.

I don't think that is bizarre at all, it sounds to me like he has reached the end of his tether and asking for an explanation of the behaviour is a way of trying to make some sense out of it and perhaps find a way to change it.

Loopytiles · 26/04/2019 20:56

Your OP says you “blow”, which to me implies something like shouting, swearing, raised voice, ranting and / or storming out, but your second post suggests that by this you mean expressing annoyance for specific things, eg mess, and crying.

Expressing annoyance should be fine. Not great to cry in front of the DC frequently, if that’s what’s happening.

Him giving you the silent treatment the next day is crap.

In what ways does he “press your buttons”; and why do you think this is deliberate?

cherryblossomgin · 26/04/2019 21:13

An apology isn't worth much if you have regular blow ups. I say it as person who has been through similar. When my anxiety is bad I can cause an argument in an empty house. I used to cause arguments with DH and they were about nothing. It would result in me goading DH until he got mad at me and then we would both be mad.

When I feel the build up now I walk away and say I need to lie down to calm down and I work through what is making me angry. If I am upset about something I tell DH calmly and explain that I am feeling really anxious and I might be being unreasonable.

My advice is get help and also try some meditation and yoga when you feel stressed. Maybe other medications could help you. I am on propranolol and citalopram for my anxiety and they have helped me calm down. I am also on CBD to help me relax.

SandyY2K · 26/04/2019 21:22

Every couple of weeks I will have a bit of a blow and an argument will ensue.

He has very clever ways of pushing my buttons so that I blow hotter and he gets calmer and calmer. I can and do have a temper,

I'm plodding away trying to keep my life as balanced as possible

trying to keep my fuse as long as possible.

kids wound me up last night and I niggled and an argument occurred

Your subsequent posts really seem to minimise what you said initially.

Original poster
justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 21:31

I am not in any way trying to minimise or defend myself. I am clearly in the wrong. I clearly started the argument. I am quite clearly a cunt

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 26/04/2019 21:43

No-one is saying you are a cunt, OP, and I know it's dangerous to try and read tone from a post but that last post sounds very defensive and snappy, is that an accurate assessment of how you are in person? If so, it seems as if you don't like anyone challenging you or disagreeing with you.

What do you want to do about the current situation, do you want to things to be different, do you want to change, do want circumstances to change?

Original poster
justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 21:51

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it to come across that way. I'm just a little shocked to think I am "that" person. I understand that I deserve the treatment I get for my behaviour. I am not aggressive, I did say I have a temper but I just mean every now and again (every two weeks, cyclical) I am either crying or ranting about something. Perhaps temper and anger were the wrong phrases. We argue and it lasts an hour or three, which is wrong I know. I don't believe he is feeling abused but I do believe and understand it is me that has to change. He is not, by any means, an angel. He has a more eloquent way of getting frustrations across and I just do, well, frustration. I am not making any excuses for myself, hence the last post. I understand clearly that I am being cunty. I've perhaps let go of some of the practices that I have been using and of self care. 4 kids, a full time job and a house to run leaves me frazzles and he gets the brunt. Again, not an excuse, just fact. I am sorry to have stirred up emotions with this post. I am grateful for everyone's honesty.

OP posts:
Original poster
justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 21:53

And I do realise that every two weeks is far too often to have to deal with this

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 26/04/2019 21:58

Please stop playing the martyr op. We are all grown ups here and recognise thr behaviour, it's manipulative.

RedDogsBeg · 26/04/2019 22:00

What do you think would help you to keep on a more even keel? Is it worth exploring different medication or ways of coping? Do you need more help with looking after the house and children, does your husband share the load equally with you?

AfterSchoolWorry · 26/04/2019 22:03

You cry every two weeks?

I couldn't stand it, sorry OP.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 26/04/2019 22:04

The thing is justkeepgoing76
You can't change his behaviour, all you can do is work hard on yourself and try and change your behaviour. You've described various strategies you have used but maybe it's time to revisit those strategies. Your whole home life situation sounds really fraught and filled with tension. It's not good for you, your children or your DH. If you are able to try and gain access to some counselling or some kind of structured therapy that may help you. I think someone up thread mentioned third person therapy.

LikeDolphinsCanSwin · 26/04/2019 22:05

If someone was flying off the handle at me regularly, then giving me a lovey dovey scrapbook, I would think they were being highly manipulative.

He doesn’t have to put up with your temper because you love him.

If you really do love him, sort out your attitude and stop abusing him. That will be worth a thousand scrap books.

Downthecanal · 26/04/2019 22:06

Well since it was her kids last night I'd re think if you're still in two minds. Unless you think they are sly and manipulative too and purposefully pressing her buttons

Nope. Thought not

Oh piss off blunt . I’ve been in a situation where the kids can get you to peak stressed out level and your Dh chooses that that time be an arse hole.

Maybe you lead a perfect life. Where every thing is black and white or maybe you just like being an arse on an anonymous site ....

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 26/04/2019 22:08

"And if you were really blowing up every few weeks unprovoked why is he still there it takes a special kind of idiot to stay"

Do you blame all victims of abuse for their own abuse @slipperywhensparticus, or just the male ones?

RedDogsBeg · 26/04/2019 22:09

Things won't change unless you change them, OP, and if they don't start to change soon it will be too late.

Ranting, crying and arguing is such a waste of time and energy, causes resentment and a bad atmosphere that affects everyone.

Bluntness100 · 26/04/2019 22:09

I’ve been in a situation where the kids can get you to peak stressed out level and your Dh chooses that that time be an arse hole

Well this threads not about you. And you do know, when you resort to insults, you lose all credibility right? It says more about you than you'd like us to know.

Or are you thr op? You do seem to have anger issues.

Downthecanal · 26/04/2019 22:16

And if you were really blowing up every few weeks unprovoked why is he still there it takes a special kind of idiot to stay

Because it’s dead easy to walk away with all your kids in tow - isn’t it Hmm

op I suggest you read - ‘ too good to leave too bad to stay’

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