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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A low blow or did I deserve it?

113 replies

justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 19:57

OH and I have a good relationship, lots of stresses and strains with work, kids etc that I do let get on top of me.. Every couple of weeks I will have a bit of a blow and an argument will ensue. He has very clever ways of pushing my buttons so that I blow hotter and he gets calmer and calmer. I can and do have a temper, I've been using lots of therapy for this and my hormones are in a bit of a mess. Can't take HRT, tried Prozac and it was horrendous and made me ill. So, I'm plodding away trying to keep my life as balanced as possible, understandin that arguments happen and trying to keep my fuse as long as possible.
So, back story over, kids wound me up last night and I niggled and an argument occurred. I then got the complete silent treatment this morning which drives me crazy.
A few weeks back for his birthday I made him a scrap book, containing all the reasons I love him. It took hours and was heartfelt and had lots of pics and memories etc. He was emotional when he opened it and said he'd rather wait til he had private time to absorb it.

Needless to say, I come home from work today and the book has been read and is being used as ammunition. How can I behave the way I do and yet I've said I love him so much? I feel really hurt that he has used this as a tool to prove a lesson. Or is he within his rights and I am deflecting? He's also said he won't talk to me again until I apologise and explain my behaviour. I am furious at these two things and feel I am being treated like a child! Any thoughts please? I am not a bad person, I do get stressy and anxious but I am not nasty

OP posts:
Original poster
justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 22:19

@Bluntness100 I'm not attempting to come across as the martyr here. I've asked for opinions, they've come through loud and clear and I have said there are no excuses for me. I don't believe I have anger issues but I am willing to explore this

OP posts:
Original poster
justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 22:22

@RedDogsBeg I need to revisit some of the practices that I put in place several months ago that I've let go adrift not because I thought they'd worked and that was enough but because I prioritised the other things.

I have to say to all I take no pleasure out of the fact that I have been emotionally abusive. It guts me to have this realisation. This is not martyrdom but realisation.

And I agree that token gestures are worth nothing if I can't live up to them in person.

OP posts:
Downthecanal · 26/04/2019 22:22

bluntness you post the same style of shit all the time. Have a day off. Ffs

bodgersmash · 26/04/2019 22:28

I think you're getting a hard time on here. If you're a regular you will notice that 90% of Bluntness' posts are, well, blunt. And sometimes bordering on horrible.

I think you need to step back and evaluate what's really going on. What do you mean by "blow"? Why are you so emotional / angry all the time? Have you always been like this? Do you need some therapy? And potentially some mindfulness work too?

None of us here can say if it's you or your OH because we don't live with you, we haven't seen what you're explaining. But you need to be able to step back and understand this for yourself.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 26/04/2019 22:30

Justkeepgoing76
With practices you need to keep doing them, it's a bit like a smoker who is trying to stop. You need to think about what you're doing every day. Just because the practices worked for a while it doesn't mean they're ingrained in you yet. It takes time and effort to really change your behaviour and it's hard work. Well worth it in the end though

Original poster
justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 22:30

Thank you! I'm not emotional and angry all the time. I have a couple of emotional days per month, which is the polar opposite of my normal self. OH says it's like a button is pressed and it's not me any more. It is not who I am but it's most definitely who I become, too often

OP posts:
Original poster
justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 22:32

I@Absolutepowercorrupts you're spot on. I've done loads of CBT, mindfulness, exercise, journaling, you name it and felt better and more in control. This last few weeks I've let it drift or been interrupted when doing it. I need to put more work into making sure I have the time.

Again, no excuse, but it did help

OP posts:
Downthecanal · 26/04/2019 22:34

And I agree that token gestures are worth nothing if I can't live up to them in person

Which is completely relative.

op it really does take two people to make a relationship work. If one party doesn’t live up to the other ones expectations there is always going to be fall out.

Have a serious think about what is working for you.

Passtherioja · 26/04/2019 22:38

Where are the children while these arguments are taking place?

I'm not sure how anyone else's house works but if I'm downstairs and the kids start messing about upstairs I can hear them-what make parents think sound doesn't travel in the other direction. They are hearing this nonsense every two weeks (at least!)

You will be doing irreparable damage to your children-you're showing them what a "normal" relationship looks like -shouting, crying, arguments ...and yes, I know we all have those end we're not all living in manufactured false bliss but there's a level of normal family life and this sounds like it's excessively stressful.

I'm interested to see that you're recognising that some of your behaviours are at fault-the book about how much you love your DH is a grand gesture; it doesn't take away from what sounds like regular tantrums and tears. It's the little things in life that make it happy-not the grand stuff...the day to day love you show each other

Lozz22 · 26/04/2019 22:48

Do these outbursts happen in the 2 weeks leading up to your menstrual cycle? Could be PMDD pre menstrual dysphoric disorder. I have it and it sucks but sertraline has helped me tremendously!!

SandyY2K · 26/04/2019 22:48

Don't use that horrible C word to describe yourself.

Just take a step back when you feel yourself bubbling up inside. Children can test your patience... we all know that, but it can't be pleasant for them seeing you get so worked up.

I'm sure you don't want them walking on eggshells around you, or as they grow up running to their rooms as you arrive home.

Take a deep breath and walk away if the kids start stressing you out.

Original poster
justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 22:51

It's always cyclical hence I got hormones checked and couldn't get HRT hence the anti-d's to alleviate the symptoms.
The kids are in their rooms and plugged in and these arguments do not involve shouting or door slamming or anything disruptive. I am sure they are aware of atmosphere afterwards though.
I never react to the kids hence it gets bottled up and OH gets the brunt

OP posts:
Original poster
justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 22:52

As in the kids don't walk on eggshells and I never get worked up in front of them or angry with them

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Downthecanal · 26/04/2019 22:53

How bunt does Dh get? What does he say?

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/04/2019 22:54

What interrupts you?

Original poster
justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 22:57

@MrsTerryPratchett usually the phone when I do meditation apps as I work from home two afternoons a week. Or the kids. Probably because I relaxed the boundaries of "me time"

OP posts:
Original poster
justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 23:01

@Downthecanal he doesn't get home til 7/8/9 o'clock and we will sit down to dinner. By this time I'll have finished work and done all the house stuff, made kids tea, homework etc. All manageable. But sometimes it's a bit much and when he gets home I'll moan about what someone did or didn't do, what mess was left, what cheek was given out etc etc. He will tell me to relax and it's normal and not to over react. He will try to find solutions which is lovely. But I just want to have a rant without feeling like I am over reacting or that something needs fixed

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 26/04/2019 23:07

Wow, reading some of these responses here, I wonder if I have somehow read a differen first post, OP.

So you and your partner had an argument, he gives you the silent treatment as a result and, furthermore, eventually tells you that he will continue this untill you apologize? He must not be looking for a heartfelt apologize if that is his attitude.

Also, why are you and him not forming a team with regards to disciplining your children? If either of you disagrees with the other's approach, you should not be underminding each other in front of your kids. They will just take advantage of that. In this case I am wondering why he is undermining you, rather then dicussing this like adults when the kids are not around.

Your partner may treat you like a child, but he sure as hell is acting like one himself.

Downthecanal · 26/04/2019 23:18

just I hear you. Dh has got much better but at the start he had no idea how oppressive SAHP was until he spent the entire week at home on the school holidays - it was a joke. I literally wanted to chuck my self out of an upstairs window.

I gave up full time work for this.

Does he do much around the house? Does he take over child care when he gets back? Is he an actual responsible adult that helps you?

This is why I was in two minds at the beginning..

One is you can’t control your emotion feelings

Or

You have a husband that is totally inept causing you stress.

I had the second one till I packed up and was ready to go.

Original poster
justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 23:22

@Downthecanal he does do plenty round the house, when he is here, but when he's here most things are done. He contributes as much as he can with the time he has so can't fault him for that but his time is kind of limited. I work from home two afternoons a week but working from home roughly translates to kids taxi driving, housework, food shopping and all the things you can do when you're not actually "at" work!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 26/04/2019 23:23

He 'solutions' you. I loathe that. And I realized why a while ago. It's because he thinks he's being helpful but what I hear is 'even though you do this every single day and I don't, I'm so much cleverer than you that I have it worked out in five minutes'. It's actually really insulting.

I now say, 'stop solutioning me DH, I just want to vent'.

Original poster
justkeepgoing76 · 26/04/2019 23:25

@MrsTerryPratchett thank you! Good lord, that's so good to hear. I love that he wants to fix things and make it better for me but each and every time I'm like "this is not an issue, I just want to vent".

OP posts:
Absolutepowercorrupts · 26/04/2019 23:30

I'm echoing Downthecanal
How much does your DH actually do around the house? The more you post it's seems that he doesn't actually do a lot.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 26/04/2019 23:31

Whoops cross post by me

Absolutepowercorrupts · 26/04/2019 23:36

I'm another with a 'solutions' husband. MrsTerryPratchett
You've articulated my thoughts exactly. It drives me up the wall. My DH has stopped now because I was able to say, just stop, I'm not looking for a solution I just want to let off steam.