Grandparents have dumped my son in favour of new grandchild

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Hi all,

First ever post here so go easy on me!! Apologies if I have posted in wrong area. I'll try not to make this an essay. Just wanted some advice on next course of action.

So my husband & I have been together 15 years & we have a 3 yr old boy. We moved to the same town as PIL's to be nearer when we started a family. Up til December, they have been very involved in DS's life & had him every Monday & then he went to nursery the other 4 days as we both work. They were more than happy to do it & we did not force the issue as we never wanted him to be a burden.

Anyhow, they have a daughter who is 2 yrs younger than OH. She became pregnant & was due end of Jan. She has always been a bit of a Mummy's girl & they are close but no issue with that at all as I get mums and daughters often have a special bond & I am the DIL. I hasten to add I have always involved her & treated her like my own Mum.

Anyway she said in January, she didn't want to commit to having our son on Mondays as she wanted to be available for the daughter if needed.
We just swallowed it & said fine fair enough no problem. This then carried on into Feb way after the baby had been born & every Monday she kept letting us down at the last minute with varying excuses. She actually went completely NC with us & DS for 7 weeks in this time & didn't so much as pop over for a cuppa. Just nothing.

More often than not, the nursery couldn't take him at last minute meaning OH & I have been using a lot of annual leave to cover. Her main excuse is that she is paranoid that our son might have germs & she doesn't want to get sick if she is seeing the other baby girl. Utterly bizarre.

Anyway, we decided enough was enough & got our son booked in full time wef June. There was no point doing it earlier as we are on hol in May & with bank holidays there would only be 1 Monday in May to cover.

We said we don't want DS to be a burden (in a nice way) so we have now arranged full time nursery. Could you please however do 2 more Mondays - 29 Apr & 20 May that's it. She said she would.

My OH then gets a text today saying sorry I can't have DS on Monday. No reason given. Nursery can't have him so I've got to take another day off. At this point, I am raging (!) but call the nursery & ensure 20 May booked in with them as she will inevitably let us down again for that one.

So as at now, she is not having him any more. Me & OH both agree this for the best as MIL being so flaky. However, when I text her to say we have made alternative arrangements for 20 MAy as we can tell you dont want to have him any more, she replied with a thumbs up!!

No apology, no sorry to mess you about for 4 months continually nothing.

If she had just said pre new baby, I can't commit to having him any more, fine, but she hasn't she's just let us down at every opportunity.

In addition to that, she is keeping our DS away from his new cousin as she doesn't want him near her. I find this quite unnerving TBH & when I met the baby for the first time last week, she insisted on having our son. This is the only time she has insisted on it as she is clearly desperate to keep him away from her. I've no idea if this is some kind of germ thing or what, but her behaviour is getting increasingly erratic & I'm about to blow my lid.

On top of all that, she had secretly decided to sell the house & move to the town where the daughter lives (65 miles away). Not only did the daughter & SIL know, his parents knew & his mother let the cat out of the bag at the baby shower. MIL then gestured her to sssshhh as she hadn't told us at that point. At the time, I thought the conversation was very odd.

They then told us 3 weeks after it had gone on the market they were selling up to be near the daughter. To say I'm gutted is an understatement & I've shed a lot of tears over this. They've completely abandoned both us & DS & I never, ever expected this from them.

Anyone experienced this & what advice can you give? Seriously considering going NC now. Just to reiterate, I dont care about the Mondays, we can afford FT childcare it was more about them being part of DS's life. They've just dropped him, almost like a switch has been flicked & I am disgusted, angry, bitter, upset & all those things.

IF YOU GOT TO THE END WELL DONE :)

OP what a awful thing to happen and like others have said your little boy is too young to know what is going on.

We had the first grandchild on my husbands side of the family.
None of the family showed any interest.
MIL came to see our baby when he was a week old,she never even bought a gift.

When SIL annouced she was pregnant a fews months later MIL started with the shopping....and everytime we visited her she showed us all the stuff she had bought....still our child had recieved nothing.

It got worse when the baby was born.You would think that child was the only grandchild.
I left MIL house one day and told my husband me and my child were never going back....and I never did.

I just had the attitude MIL can spend her money how she wishes,she can spoil that kid and spend every second with her....but I walked away and let her get on with it.

Am I reading this correctly, that your DS has never met his cousin?

I'd be arranging something, obviously without telling or involving mil

At some stage your mother in law has changed her mind about providing regular childcare. Rather than having an honest conversation about breaking her promise to you, she has avoided communication of her own wants and needs. Instead she has tried to drop big hints and make excuses - but all to no avail.

Looking after a toddler or a pre-schooler is hard, exhausting work. She may hate it but put on a brave face.

She may have resented the assumption that she would be available, when you moved closer.

Making a commitment to parents is life-changing. The best laid plans are often scuppered by events and grans find themselves pitching in with school runs, emergency calls to pick up children, school holidays and so on. Perhaps she could see this type of future and your unspoken expectations - and didn't want it.

Thank her for the help she has given you in the past. Tell her how much you appreciated her commitment, love and care of your son. Leave the door open for some honest, straight talking. Show a bit of empathy for her situation instead of focussing on yourself.

OP I think jealousy is the problem here.

MIL has basically had your DS to herself constantly and never really hard to ‘share’ him with your parents. Now her daughter has had a baby and the paternal grandparents sound more involved I think it’s bugged her. I’m wondering if she’s panicking over her role with the new baby and feeling she might be the not really involved grandparent this time.

Totally sucks op

For god’s sake theotherpamayres the Monday arrangement was only because the mil wanted it.

I was shouted at by mil and accused of jealousy when we invited her out for lunch and I objected when we arrived to collect her and she said she had phoned the restaurant and changed the booking I made to include my niece and nephew so their parents could have a break.
We had arranged to go out for lunch for an hour tops before going to visit Sil and the children.
I told her to just forget it and we went home. It was the last straw in very very long line of straws and I just don’t bother with her at all now ( neither does DH)

I may have missed it, sorry, but do you ever meet up with SIL alone without MIL. I think you should invite them and the cousin over for lunch sometime, at a time of their choosing to accommodate naps etc of course.

Isn't it up to you & SIL about whether or not the cousins meet though?

If you get on with them I would continue with that relationship.

I can see how a GM might end up seeing more of her own daughter & that GC, but it doesn't have to be at the expense of other GC.

Well OP, nowt so queer as folk as the saying goes.

My ILs have just one son & we have their only GC & they've never really bothered.

You'd have thought that all they'd ever wanted was to see their son happy & with kids.

But with that came a pulling back from him & an effort needed on their part-so they haven't made the most of it.

If it wasn't us doing the running then nothing happened.

They only wanted to visit at weekends when their son was there & have the whole day.

Wouldn't pop over in the week to see just me & the kids.

Have never been to visit us where we are now in the 20yrs that we've been here!

I had only one grandparent and she was not nice, so it is sometimes better to have no grandparent than an unpleasant one.

But I was so fortunate with my ex's mother, who wasn't even my MIL and adored my dd. In fact, she treated them all her grandchildren as if they were her favourite.

However, when I text her to say we have made alternative arrangements for 20 MAy as we can tell you dont want to have him any more, she replied with a thumbs up

I can tell from your posts your quite a fiesty and direct character... but I would have not mentioned the bit about "we can tell you don't want to have him anymore*. It was obvious without you saying so.

Oh I actually sent a message to MIL to say I hope you will continue to see DS as it feels as though he has been completely dumped now the other baby has arrived

Again, I don't think you needed to say this. These are things your OH should deal with. They're his parents and things are ever received well from the DIL.

She has sadly always favoured the daughter & doesn't really hide it.

She was making do with your DS, while she had no other GC. Terrible behaviour.

will tell MIL straight that we don't need her input re: meeting up with SIL

You don't need to say this, you can just contact SIL and get on with it. The problem here is your OH and his Dsis clearly do not have a close relationship...because if they did, his DM wouldn't have the audacity to interfere like this. She does it, because she knows they don't communicate much and is capitalising on the weakness in their relationship.

I speak to my siblings more than I speak to my DM.. so there's no chance she could tell me when I can see my niece and nephews. We arrange that between ourselves, with no involvement from my DM.

I can tell this is hurting you and that's understandable, but you're fighting a battle that you should leave to your OH. If he can't see this being an issue, then his logic and reasoning is rather off ..as is his DMs.

Incidentally with the dont contact her at Xmas thing, SIL didn't even know MIL had done that. She had no idea.

As above, if your OH had a close relationship with her....his DM would not be able to do this.

Your MIL is a big problem here, but she's not the only problem.

@cleanasawhistle

That's awful.
Did your MIL ever ask why you never came again? Did she see your DC after that.

We have a similar issue. The treatment by my in laws of my two beautiful girls compared to their cousin is atrocious.

So we have just been entirely self sufficient. We have asked them for nothing. And my four year old can’t be bothered with them any more. And they wonder why.

I can sympathise. Same happened to us but our children were 7 and 5 by then and old enough to notice the change in attitude towards them where previously they had contact at least once a week. It is so hard to explain something like this to people who have never experienced it. It is exactly as you described, like a switch had been flicked and there was not enough love to go round all the grandchildren.

We are no contact with MIL and SIL as a result and consequently the cousins have barely met and do not have any kind of relationship.

I can only think it is some kind of mental breakdown but she was extremely vindictive and spiteful during the estrangement. For example our DC were relegated to a separate kids table one Christmas (not enough chairs excuse which made no sense we could have brought extra chairs in our car with us - also it was just them 2 on their own shoved in a corner) when SIL was pregnant with her first child. Snatching toys away from them saying they were for SIL's DC only. Giving gifts to the cousins (no occasion) when all were present but nothing for our DC. If they tried to talk to her about what they'd been up to she would bring each and every sentence back to SIL's DC. Sometimes literally turning her back on them and taking her phone out to start texting. Basically giving every indication that they were not worth her time at all. Truly shocking and hurtful and once you've seen that you're never going to trust that person again. SIL knew what was happening but enjoyed the limelight too much to calm MIL down enough for us all to spend any time together that wasn't going to be damaging to our DC.

Good news is they are now grown up and it is MIL who is missing out. Her life has shrunk, FIL has Alzheimer's, their friends reduced through death/old age, SIL lives abroad. A couple of young men would have brightened her present life with their company and support but she doesn't get that because she dumped them when they were 7 and 5. She lives vicariously through SIL. DH tries to see his dad when he can.

We had a similar situation with my mother (minus the childcare ). When my Dsis had a baby, my DC were immediately dropped. She only saw them once every few years, despite living only 10 minutes away. Even then she would cancel plans to see them because she wanted to do something with DN instead . DN also lives in the same town.

I now have very little to do with her and we're all happier for it. My DC have no interest in her.

There are no magic words that will make your MIL see the error of her ways.If she is anything like my mum she will twist things around and see herself as the victim .

Help when they can but both work. OH's parents are both retired so frankly have time in their lives for both grandkids

You claim not to want childcare yet mention the above plus SIL never having him and now MIL won't be close by either. That doesn't sound like someone who doesn't expect childcare.

Upto them if they move. Mums and daughters are usually close and she likely thinks she's helped you enough and now it's time to help her other child. It's not that far away to visit if you want your son to see his grandparent. Presumably you travel to see yours so no different.

GinUp mine is the same
All “woe is me” and “I’m not getting any younger” but if you ask her to make any effort to see our dc rather than us travel there ( where Sil and her dc’s will be anyway as they live close by) we get a load of abuse
If she asks me when we are going to visit I just tell her to speak to DH, who just avoids the issue

I wonder if MIL is terrified that the now six of you ( you and your DH and DS, SIL and her DH and DD) could become a group who could exclude her if she doesn't get in there first and do the excluding?
My DM did this with me and my siblings once we started having children. She wasn't actually that interested in the actual children but couldn't bare the thought of us all meeting up and talking baby talk without her. She caused so much bad feeling with her comparisons of the small children that it led to mostly all the siblings being in NC now

Sandy

I told my DH if his mum ever asked my why I stopped going then I would tell her the truth.I would bump into her now and again,we would have a quick chat but she never asked.
At first she would visit our house about 3 times a year ( she lived 10 min drive away) .Before she died she hadnt seen my son for about 5 years. I was always very pleasant when she did come here,she just wasnt interested.

cleanasawhistle
That's just awful. She's the one who missed out. I bet she knew why you stopped going.

A colleague mentioned how her DM had a favoured sibling and out of the favoured siblings DC she had favourites too.

If my DM did that I'd just cut her off or call her out on it. It's not acceptable at all.

BrassBrass that's so awful & your kids were older than mine so much more used to that relationship. I too fear that the SIL enjoys the attention so I'm not convinced she is going to make the case to her Mum on our behalf.

My previous comment about they are both retired so should have time for both grandkids meant just that. I don't know how many times I have to say on here I don't care about regular childcare but don't just go NC with a child you've seen every week for 3 years. They haven't asked to see DS at all when they've not been doing the Mondays, Just nothing - not even can we pop by for a cuppa or can we take him to the park for 2 hours. Just nothing. As if she only has room for one grandchild.

OH actually does have a good relationship with SIL they are fine. Only problem is SIL tells her Mum what she is up to & then this seems to have given her licence to butt in.

I've had a long chat with OH & we've agreed that I won't discuss it with PIL & he will be the one to broach it. We go away on hol in a week for 2 weeks time & the break is well needed.

When we get back, it will have been over a month since they've seen DS. I said to OH lets just see if they get in touch & ask to see him - do not under any circumstances ask them. If I had grandkids who lived in my town & I'd seen them weekly for almost 3 years, I'd be desperate to catch up after a month of NC. That will be very telling.

If they don't get in touch asking to meet up then OH is going to broach it. He agrees with me in that he thinks his Mum is a bit unwell. He's going to also speak to the Dad to see if he can get some more reliable information out of him as he seems to be the only one of rational mindset currently.

Hoppinggreen - Yep, that sounds about right. My mum once flew into a rage because my DC didn't recognise her at a relative's party. They hadn't seen her in 4 years. Apparently it had embarrassed her.

GinUp - That is terrible. If they haven't seen them for 4 years how on earth would they know who she is??? And what does she expect? Put the effort in.......

My DS has no idea who the SIL is either incidentally. He wouldn't recognise them if he walked past them in the street. They send lavish gifts for Xmas / birthdays but don't play an active role in his life.

Why on earth are people still accusing you of wanting childcare when you make every very plain in your original post?

I hate people who think that grandparents should be always babysitting and even I couldn't read that into your problem, OP.