Grandparents have dumped my son in favour of new grandchild

[CL240]

Hi all,

First ever post here so go easy on me!! Apologies if I have posted in wrong area. I'll try not to make this an essay. Just wanted some advice on next course of action.

So my husband & I have been together 15 years & we have a 3 yr old boy. We moved to the same town as PIL's to be nearer when we started a family. Up til December, they have been very involved in DS's life & had him every Monday & then he went to nursery the other 4 days as we both work. They were more than happy to do it & we did not force the issue as we never wanted him to be a burden.

Anyhow, they have a daughter who is 2 yrs younger than OH. She became pregnant & was due end of Jan. She has always been a bit of a Mummy's girl & they are close but no issue with that at all as I get mums and daughters often have a special bond & I am the DIL. I hasten to add I have always involved her & treated her like my own Mum.

Anyway she said in January, she didn't want to commit to having our son on Mondays as she wanted to be available for the daughter if needed.
We just swallowed it & said fine fair enough no problem. This then carried on into Feb way after the baby had been born & every Monday she kept letting us down at the last minute with varying excuses. She actually went completely NC with us & DS for 7 weeks in this time & didn't so much as pop over for a cuppa. Just nothing.

More often than not, the nursery couldn't take him at last minute meaning OH & I have been using a lot of annual leave to cover. Her main excuse is that she is paranoid that our son might have germs & she doesn't want to get sick if she is seeing the other baby girl. Utterly bizarre.

Anyway, we decided enough was enough & got our son booked in full time wef June. There was no point doing it earlier as we are on hol in May & with bank holidays there would only be 1 Monday in May to cover.

We said we don't want DS to be a burden (in a nice way) so we have now arranged full time nursery. Could you please however do 2 more Mondays - 29 Apr & 20 May that's it. She said she would.

My OH then gets a text today saying sorry I can't have DS on Monday. No reason given. Nursery can't have him so I've got to take another day off. At this point, I am raging (!) but call the nursery & ensure 20 May booked in with them as she will inevitably let us down again for that one.

So as at now, she is not having him any more. Me & OH both agree this for the best as MIL being so flaky. However, when I text her to say we have made alternative arrangements for 20 MAy as we can tell you dont want to have him any more, she replied with a thumbs up!!

No apology, no sorry to mess you about for 4 months continually nothing.

If she had just said pre new baby, I can't commit to having him any more, fine, but she hasn't she's just let us down at every opportunity.

In addition to that, she is keeping our DS away from his new cousin as she doesn't want him near her. I find this quite unnerving TBH & when I met the baby for the first time last week, she insisted on having our son. This is the only time she has insisted on it as she is clearly desperate to keep him away from her. I've no idea if this is some kind of germ thing or what, but her behaviour is getting increasingly erratic & I'm about to blow my lid.

On top of all that, she had secretly decided to sell the house & move to the town where the daughter lives (65 miles away). Not only did the daughter & SIL know, his parents knew & his mother let the cat out of the bag at the baby shower. MIL then gestured her to sssshhh as she hadn't told us at that point. At the time, I thought the conversation was very odd.

They then told us 3 weeks after it had gone on the market they were selling up to be near the daughter. To say I'm gutted is an understatement & I've shed a lot of tears over this. They've completely abandoned both us & DS & I never, ever expected this from them.

Anyone experienced this & what advice can you give? Seriously considering going NC now. Just to reiterate, I dont care about the Mondays, we can afford FT childcare it was more about them being part of DS's life. They've just dropped him, almost like a switch has been flicked & I am disgusted, angry, bitter, upset & all those things.

IF YOU GOT TO THE END WELL DONE :)

Coyoacan - Thank you! I have explained numerous times on here. We do not see them as childcare. Never have done & we have been so appreciative of the time spent to date.

Is just galling how we've gone from that to NC so quickly....with no real explanation as to why. She used to say how much she loved having him and would miss their days together. We used to text almost daily sharing stories & pics. Is just so upsetting but the holiday is coming at the right time!

CL240

This sounds very much like the idealise, devalue, discard narcissistic cycle. That could be an explanation why she has acted re your family unit like this and it is not your fault she is the ways she is. You did not make her that way. She took your own kindness towards her and stamped on it; kindness to such people is weakness.

Your man thinking that his mother is a bit unwell is his own minimisation of the truth i.e. she has always been this way and was not a great parent to him as a child. What if anything do you know about his sister's and his childhoods?.

You really do not need people like his mother in your life in any way, shape or form. They are drains on you, not radiators.

How very sad for you all.

If it is a MH issue, I really hope she gets some help soon.

Just a thought, some people are funny about loving babies and toddlers but not enjoying them as much once they are talking and more independent (aren't so easy to push around, literally and figuratively). This sounds so difficult for you all. Hopefully your parents will be retiring at some point and then you'll have doting grandparents around more often.

I'm not surprised your pissed Op.
and screw OH not being able to hear a bad word! He'd be hearing some awful words come from me.

Drop the top with them and if they ever contact you I'd tell them how shocked you are that they wanted to bother with you.

I do think there is an MH issue here. She had an eating disorder when she was young & OH says she has always been a massive worrier.

He has also picked up this trait himself, but he is very aware of what he needs to do to maintain his MH & as such he ensures he exercises, eats well, sleeps well & we always have honest conversations about everything.

So I am trying to tread very carefully, but at the same time, I won't hesitate to protect my son. Ultimately what she is doing is very hurtful & the way she is going about things is just so wrong.

I am going to be focusing my efforts on ensuring DS sees my side a lot more now. My Mum doesn't drive & is in a very rural area so takes hours to get to us via public transport, plus she can't really afford it. I know she'd like to see us more, so I feel that is a much more productive use of my time. Distraction is key & then neither me or DS have to think about it!

OP, do you have siblings? Are you close to them?

I'm just wondering because you're describing your OH and his Dsis as close....yet she's only seen your DS 3 times in 2 years. They don't live that far away from each other.

When siblings are really close, no parent get in there and start stiring successfully.

You mentioned your MIL saying SIL didn't want to see anyone contacting her over Xmas. If this was me, I would have phoned my Dsis or my DB and said "what's mum saying about not contacting you."
Or I'd say "mum seems a bit obsessed with DS and germs...do you know what's going on?"

Maybe it's just that view of close and mine are different.... that's not meant negatively. Once during a conversation I told my DH he wasn't so close to his siblings....he said I was too close to mine.

I just can't imagine a situation where my DM said something like that and we siblings didn't check with each other.

Sandy - Funny you say that as I'm not that close to my siblings so I guess any improvement on that probably does seem close to me!

I have 2 sis & 1 bro. Younger sis & bro have different Dad & there is quite a big age gap because my Mum remarried. As such, I had moved out of home when they were quite young so the close knit bond isn't there. My older sis I've been NC with for a long time now as we've never got on & she did some truly evil things to various members of the family, but mostly me.

I think various people have suggested we work on the relationship with SIL & I do agree. At Xmas, my OH tried to call SIL to say "are you sure we can't come & see you, even if just in a pub for a couple of hours as we've never not seen each other at Xmas"

Within minutes & I mean minutes, his Mum was on the phone telling him to leave the sister alone.

So I am trying to tread very carefully, but at the same time, I won't hesitate to protect my son.

At the end of the day, you can't force them to see him. You were quite bold in telling her he felt abandoned, yet she's not made amends.

Even if she was unaware before that, a normal GM would be mortified their GC felt like that.

Ultimately what she is doing is very hurtful & the way she is going about things is just so wrong.

Indeed ... but you've laid it out straight to her and the ball is in her court.

I'm not sure I buy the whole MH thing here. All was fine until she had her DDs child to focus on.

Sometimes ppl are just mean and nasty ... nothing to do with MH issues.

AttilaTheMeerkat - Is so hard reading what you have written there. I am going to prod a little bit about his childhood I think but I won't just yet. Explains a lot re: his confidence issues & his trait of always putting up with crap from people & just accepting it / being a doormat. His Mum's eggs have always been in the sisters basket so to speak.

I think this is going to need a lot of time for you to heal as this is shocking behaviour from them. I would really advice being quiet. Knowing who they are and letting that be enough to mind your own little family unit (you dh and your son) make memories together. Christmas yourselves etc.

Within minutes & I mean minutes, his Mum was on the phone telling him to leave the sister alone Why is she so against the brother and sister having any kind of independent relationship? Is she worried they will start to compare notes and realise what a loon she is?

Sandy - Not that I want to make excuses for her but she does seem to have lost the plot of late. FIL let slip last week she isn't sleeping well. What is weird is that SIL is genuinely doing fine. She has settled into motherhood very nicely, has a good social network & is getting out & about.

I think other GP's moving there is what might have rattled her cage. So she is desperate to be front & centre of the daughter's life. If that means abandoning us to prove her worth, then it looks like she is prepared to do that.

Is just so fkd up it's hard trying to rationalise it!

Constance - I have no blooming idea. It's so very very bizarre. To be fair to SIL, I think she asked the Mum why is Bro saying we won't see him at Xmas.

She did actually say she would see us Xmas Eve for couple of hours as she was going for a meal with the parents. (We hadn't been invited). Then MIL was on the phone saying leave her alone she needs to relax & that was that.

Obviously DS would have been with us but so what? Before anyone says it, I'm not in denial about having some kind of demon child that stresses everyone out haha. He's a very well behaved polite little boy & would have been no bother at all seeing them for a quick pub lunch to exchange gifts etc.

So weird. I don't get why she is putting a barrier up in the relationship at all. Part of me thinks she wants to keep SIL all to herself & doesn't want to share her. SIL probably likes that most of the time as it massages her ego I guess, but probably not to the extent where she is damaging a sibling relationship.

The relationship with the daughter is very intense. She completely worships her & drops everything for her. She doesn't really have any adult friends herself so her daughter is her only friend in some ways.

OP, drop your MIL and her manipulations
What they’ve done is absolutely appalling. Continue relationship with SIL if you want to without MIL’s involvement.

We’re NC with FIL and his wife for the same reason. DH is a scapegoat, his sibling golden child.

StepMIL’s GC got all the attention, our DC got barely a look. We tried to sustain a relationship but everytime stepMIL’ s relatives appeared on the scene we were dropped like hot potatoes.

We went NC eventually, DH has seen them for who they were.
It’s bliss. After initial shitstorm we’re not bothered and our DC are not treated as an after afterthoughts.

Sorry OP, it hurts like hell.

OP as hurtful as it is you need to leave MIL out if the equation and do what it takes to maintain relationship with your SIL - and in fact it's your partner as her brother who should be mostly responsible for that.

If of course SIL wants a relationship. Your MIL is just a manipulator - but that only works when people comply. My mum is same re me and younger brother but it doesn't work as we both take no notice of her games. I remember occasions when my DCs would let slip my brother had popped to see me and they'd get the third degree in offended tones. Got to the point they stopped mentioning.

It's stupid gameplaying and will wind you up if you focus on it. Hopefully your SIL will be amenable but if she's not, the best you can do is concentrate on your own family unit.

Your SIL will get fed up soon enough, people like your MIL are claustrophobic. Until that time, at least you have your OH and children. They are the priority.

FrenchBoule - I am sorry to hear that. At least your DH woke up & smelt the coffee.

My OH is not even grasping that MIL is being manipulative....this is why I shall take a step back & let it unfold & hope that he realises in time.

DeeCee - she definitely is gameplaying but you're spot on, it's up to the siblings to push through that & maintain the relationship without her. Perhaps they aren't that close like many have said.

She certainly hasn't played an active part on DS's life thus far. She last saw him in November & didn't go near him. Didn't even cuddle him or play with him ...nothing & they visited our house.

Is hard as I come from quite a straight talking family. We have an issue, we thrash it out - we don't bottle things up & you're not constantly second guessing people.

Completely different dynamic on OH's side although I will say FIL is pretty direct.

Has FIL said why he didn't inform you of their move?

OP I've read this scenario so many times on Mumsnet. Grandparents fairly disintested in their grandchildren, until their favourite daughter/golden child has kids- then they're over at hers every afternoon and have the kids 3 days a week. Your situation has the additional hurt of PIL developing a relationship with the first GC before the golden GC showed up. I don't understand why some GPs do this but it's clearly a phenomenon and you aren't alone.

Also just wanted to say that my mother has 50(!) first cousins, but her grandparents still made her and her cousins feel special. There can be lots of room in a grandparent's heart!

FIL would have been told to keep schtum by MIL. MIL did at least tell us face to face eventually but that was 3 weeks after they had listed it & after 7 weeks of NC. Clearly, she had already decided she wanted to sell up a few months prior but completely avoided telling us.

Wouldn't dream of doing that to my children. I'd TELL my kids if I was friggin moving!!! (before putting it on the market) Regardless of what we think of it, show a bit of respect. That really upset me actually. But things have gotten progressively worse since.....

At present FIL & MIL are arguing about moving. She wants to, he doesn't. But she got her way as the house has been listed.

RogersVideo - Exactly. Why isn't there room for 2 for goodness sake? Is it really hard to want 1-2 hours of GP's time a week?? I just cannot understand it & I never will.

OP we had something similar with mil and sil. Sil wrote a Christmas letter to us telling us that her parents had finally become real grandparents with the birth of her child - our son was 5 at that time and was the first grandchild. We live an hours' flight away and according to her you could only be a real grandparents if you lived close to your grandchildren 🤔. We'd had endless problems with both mil and sil and for DH and me it was the final straw!

Lisette that is awful. So cruel. Have you gone NC now & how did DH deal with that?

I can't ever imagine OH going NC with them. I can see a point where I will personally remove myself as much as possible & keep them at arms length.

All depends how the next few months pan out. If she calms down & starts behaving fairly again, then obviously there is a way back as no family is perfect. What I won't have is her flip flopping in/out of DS's life. You're either in it or not as the lack of consistency will hurt DS & I'm not going to allow it.