Grandparents have dumped my son in favour of new grandchild

[CL240]

Hi all,

First ever post here so go easy on me!! Apologies if I have posted in wrong area. I'll try not to make this an essay. Just wanted some advice on next course of action.

So my husband & I have been together 15 years & we have a 3 yr old boy. We moved to the same town as PIL's to be nearer when we started a family. Up til December, they have been very involved in DS's life & had him every Monday & then he went to nursery the other 4 days as we both work. They were more than happy to do it & we did not force the issue as we never wanted him to be a burden.

Anyhow, they have a daughter who is 2 yrs younger than OH. She became pregnant & was due end of Jan. She has always been a bit of a Mummy's girl & they are close but no issue with that at all as I get mums and daughters often have a special bond & I am the DIL. I hasten to add I have always involved her & treated her like my own Mum.

Anyway she said in January, she didn't want to commit to having our son on Mondays as she wanted to be available for the daughter if needed.
We just swallowed it & said fine fair enough no problem. This then carried on into Feb way after the baby had been born & every Monday she kept letting us down at the last minute with varying excuses. She actually went completely NC with us & DS for 7 weeks in this time & didn't so much as pop over for a cuppa. Just nothing.

More often than not, the nursery couldn't take him at last minute meaning OH & I have been using a lot of annual leave to cover. Her main excuse is that she is paranoid that our son might have germs & she doesn't want to get sick if she is seeing the other baby girl. Utterly bizarre.

Anyway, we decided enough was enough & got our son booked in full time wef June. There was no point doing it earlier as we are on hol in May & with bank holidays there would only be 1 Monday in May to cover.

We said we don't want DS to be a burden (in a nice way) so we have now arranged full time nursery. Could you please however do 2 more Mondays - 29 Apr & 20 May that's it. She said she would.

My OH then gets a text today saying sorry I can't have DS on Monday. No reason given. Nursery can't have him so I've got to take another day off. At this point, I am raging (!) but call the nursery & ensure 20 May booked in with them as she will inevitably let us down again for that one.

So as at now, she is not having him any more. Me & OH both agree this for the best as MIL being so flaky. However, when I text her to say we have made alternative arrangements for 20 MAy as we can tell you dont want to have him any more, she replied with a thumbs up!!

No apology, no sorry to mess you about for 4 months continually nothing.

If she had just said pre new baby, I can't commit to having him any more, fine, but she hasn't she's just let us down at every opportunity.

In addition to that, she is keeping our DS away from his new cousin as she doesn't want him near her. I find this quite unnerving TBH & when I met the baby for the first time last week, she insisted on having our son. This is the only time she has insisted on it as she is clearly desperate to keep him away from her. I've no idea if this is some kind of germ thing or what, but her behaviour is getting increasingly erratic & I'm about to blow my lid.

On top of all that, she had secretly decided to sell the house & move to the town where the daughter lives (65 miles away). Not only did the daughter & SIL know, his parents knew & his mother let the cat out of the bag at the baby shower. MIL then gestured her to sssshhh as she hadn't told us at that point. At the time, I thought the conversation was very odd.

They then told us 3 weeks after it had gone on the market they were selling up to be near the daughter. To say I'm gutted is an understatement & I've shed a lot of tears over this. They've completely abandoned both us & DS & I never, ever expected this from them.

Anyone experienced this & what advice can you give? Seriously considering going NC now. Just to reiterate, I dont care about the Mondays, we can afford FT childcare it was more about them being part of DS's life. They've just dropped him, almost like a switch has been flicked & I am disgusted, angry, bitter, upset & all those things.

IF YOU GOT TO THE END WELL DONE :)

[CL240]

@BerylReader focus your efforts on your son and you'll both be better off for it! Family are awful sometimes but it does show you what not to do!

[BerylReader]

My parents refused to look after my DS but now happy for 1 day a week with nephew. I no longer bother trying to build a relationship with them and DS.

[CL240]

Trending because I started a new thread saying I'd left hy husband which linked to this original one. Sorry to those who replied!

[pennylane83]

On the flip side, it could be seen as favouritism if your MIL continued to look after your son 1 day a week whilst not offering the same service to your SIL. By doing this she is merely providing the same level of support to her D as was extended to you and her S during the first few years. Admittedly she should have just fessed up about moving rather than avoiding you but perhaps she just didn't know how to broach the subject. Also, she made it clear to you in January that she couldn't commit to having your son on the Monday anymore yet you continued on with the arrangement regardless rather than making alternatives then. She obviously didn't want to upset you which is why she kept making vague excuses as to why she couldn't have him before you finally realised. The thumbs up was her thanking you for your understanding and sorting out an alternative. TBH I think you were being unreasonable in expecting her to provide childcare on a permanent basis until I presume school age just because she is retired. She can love and enjoy her GS without having to commit to babysitting a set day a week every week. A baby (who spends a lot of the day asleep) is far less tiring to supervise than a having to entertain a full of energy 3 year old all day. Have you ever considered it all became too much for her.

[MoreListeningLessChatting]

Well this is quite weird. I saw this in the trending now threads and posted on it. It hasn't been posted on in months - no idea why it was in trending now since I wouldn't have posted. I didn't check the date posted since 'trending now'!

Most odd!

[MoreListeningLessChatting]

Oh my goodness, that is really strange.

I am so sorry she has treated you all so badly. Surely she has enough love for 2 grandchildren. Apart from the germ thing from your child to baby what on earth could be the reason. @CL240 Has SIL said anything about why her mother had dropped your son?

[MsTSwift]

It’s very weird and upsetting op. Just do what you are doing politely distance yourself and protect your boy from further disappointment

[CL240]

Sadly DH still makes excuses for their behaviour. Tries to find a justification all the time. When I point out an inconsistency, he can't give me an answer. So deep down he does know.

[CatsRule]

My pils done this to our D's when he was 3, he's 7 now and doesn't know or remember them. It's their loss but I understand why you feel as you do. My dh was furious, still is. What's your dh saying about his parents?!

[ElsieMc]

Do not have your IL's up for Christmas with the undercurrent of resentment which your lovely son will pick up on. It will ruin your Christmas and your DH needs to make his stand and make his choice. Their disregard and cruelty to your son is outrageous. Making him sit on a sunlounger cushion? What is he, a dog?

My dh was always trying to keep the peace with his parents. He even took our new baby and our dd1 to their home on Christmas morning, leaving me alone. It was the last time he ever did so but I have never forgotten it. I made sure no-one ever took my children from me again on family occasions. I never visited them ever again.

My MIL is still mean to my now adult girls - although they very rarely see her of their own choice . My dd2 laughs about how rude and horrible she is, but I know it affects dd1. She is just a sad, mean, cruel woman the same sad, mean person she always was.

[CL240]

Chloe we did it pretty much every other year and rotated with my family. They hosted once but other than that, we always did it including last year.

Funnily enough I did it when heavily pregnant and not one of them so much as washed up a cup or made a drink that day. I remember it well as I was completely knackered come the evening.

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

I've just read this thread open mouthed. How can people be so vile. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this OP

[GoodGriefSunshine]

WeepingWillowWeepingWino you are very weirdly judgemental against the OP. What's your problem? You seem to want to reinterpret things and insist that the OP demanded childcare. She didn't. Stop making stuff up.

[Shooturlocalmethdealer]

I'm sorry but your MIL is a B*CH!!!! No way would I have any contact with her! She has disregarded your family because a new baby has come along.
Her loss not yours. Stand up for yourself to your OH as well!

[PatchworkElmer]

I’m so, so sorry OP. This is heartbreaking to read. You’re doing the right thing by protecting your boy.

[Xenia]

I wonder what makes them like they are? If you could get to the bottom of it may be it could be sorted out.

I recently bought the abstract of the will of my ancestor who died in 1807. He lists every child and leaves everything equally to them and as far as I know ever since then that is always what this family has done and tried to treat each child the same regardless of their circumstances or needs or income. As soon as you start differentiating how they are treated that always causes problems.

[Fluffypudcats]

The lounger cushion would defo be my line in the sand. I'd be tempted to get plastic seat covers for when they are over and you, DH and DS wear face masks to "protect your DS from germs PIL may be carrying from DN"!

[Chloe84]

How many times did you host Christmas ILs, OP, that should be.

[Chloe84]

How many times did you host ILs, OP?

And do you think they will now want Christmas with just SIL?

Or will they expect you to host them again? Please don’t by the way!

[Wonkybanana]

OP I'd be very careful about giving your DS any contact with them. It's all very well that they act nicely when others are around, or in your home, but that's going to be confusing for a 3yo. Because every time it happens, he's going to wonder if he'll start to see more of them again, be able to go to their house like he used to. It might get his hopes up, only to be dashed again. I'd be very tempted to keep him out of their way until he's forgotten how they used to be. And if he then starts to see that his cousin is treated very differently to him, then that will upset him too.

I know you're trying to avoid a showdown with your DH, but your little boy has to come first, and you need to protect his feelings. If your DH would rather see his son upset than his mother, it's a showdown you have to have.

[EKGEMS]

I'd tell them all to go to hell but then again I've been living this for 19 years-my son got garage sale hand-me-downs from PILs and the other GC all new. MIL moved in to DIL and BIL home to "help" while I struggled with a medically fragile high maintenance baby. Even fellow church members and the minister noted the discrepancies and remarked on it to me which pissed my DH off but I knew the truth-my family was 2nd best

[CL240]

Yes I'm going to try to do that. I don't think it will be an overnight process...

[FrenchBoule]

Wrote a long reply and MN refreshed, lost it.So annoying.

OP, you might not be able to release your DH from FOG but please remove your son from your PIL’s company, don’t let them treat your little boy with such contempt.

Happy to pm you.

[Ledkr]

God op. This is awful.
My Dd was first gc and pil fell.over themselves to be with her (a bit too much) then when sil and bil had kids it all. Stopped.
I was slightly relieved at the reduction in long weekend. visits but by then Dd adored them.
When they visit all they talk about is the other gc even sometimes using their names to address my Dd.
They also face time the other gc all fuckinh weekend often for hours and keep insisting Dd joins in.. She's 7 ffs she wants to play not sit talking to a 3 yeat old on a screen.
Dh is the same as yours and in denial. I can just about get him to be sarcastic about it but that's it.

[Xenia]

Ah, both parents went to the christening but the 3 year old was not taken. I had not read that properly.

It sounds like you are doing all you can in this situation. I cannot understand families which do not treat children equally. I sent my son £9.56 this morning which exactly made up the same sum everyone else is having.

The only differences that usually can be justified are is grandparents are different ages. My mother used to take my girls (the oldest) out when they were about 6 - 9 to harrods and to light candles in Catholic churches in London and day trips and she was about 60 ish then. However when my siblings' children were little and my youngest were little she was too ill for that (she died at 75) so obviously could not but that was just because of her age so it was not some slight as seems to be happening here.