Grandparents have dumped my son in favour of new grandchild

[CL240]

Hi all,

First ever post here so go easy on me!! Apologies if I have posted in wrong area. I'll try not to make this an essay. Just wanted some advice on next course of action.

So my husband & I have been together 15 years & we have a 3 yr old boy. We moved to the same town as PIL's to be nearer when we started a family. Up til December, they have been very involved in DS's life & had him every Monday & then he went to nursery the other 4 days as we both work. They were more than happy to do it & we did not force the issue as we never wanted him to be a burden.

Anyhow, they have a daughter who is 2 yrs younger than OH. She became pregnant & was due end of Jan. She has always been a bit of a Mummy's girl & they are close but no issue with that at all as I get mums and daughters often have a special bond & I am the DIL. I hasten to add I have always involved her & treated her like my own Mum.

Anyway she said in January, she didn't want to commit to having our son on Mondays as she wanted to be available for the daughter if needed.
We just swallowed it & said fine fair enough no problem. This then carried on into Feb way after the baby had been born & every Monday she kept letting us down at the last minute with varying excuses. She actually went completely NC with us & DS for 7 weeks in this time & didn't so much as pop over for a cuppa. Just nothing.

More often than not, the nursery couldn't take him at last minute meaning OH & I have been using a lot of annual leave to cover. Her main excuse is that she is paranoid that our son might have germs & she doesn't want to get sick if she is seeing the other baby girl. Utterly bizarre.

Anyway, we decided enough was enough & got our son booked in full time wef June. There was no point doing it earlier as we are on hol in May & with bank holidays there would only be 1 Monday in May to cover.

We said we don't want DS to be a burden (in a nice way) so we have now arranged full time nursery. Could you please however do 2 more Mondays - 29 Apr & 20 May that's it. She said she would.

My OH then gets a text today saying sorry I can't have DS on Monday. No reason given. Nursery can't have him so I've got to take another day off. At this point, I am raging (!) but call the nursery & ensure 20 May booked in with them as she will inevitably let us down again for that one.

So as at now, she is not having him any more. Me & OH both agree this for the best as MIL being so flaky. However, when I text her to say we have made alternative arrangements for 20 MAy as we can tell you dont want to have him any more, she replied with a thumbs up!!

No apology, no sorry to mess you about for 4 months continually nothing.

If she had just said pre new baby, I can't commit to having him any more, fine, but she hasn't she's just let us down at every opportunity.

In addition to that, she is keeping our DS away from his new cousin as she doesn't want him near her. I find this quite unnerving TBH & when I met the baby for the first time last week, she insisted on having our son. This is the only time she has insisted on it as she is clearly desperate to keep him away from her. I've no idea if this is some kind of germ thing or what, but her behaviour is getting increasingly erratic & I'm about to blow my lid.

On top of all that, she had secretly decided to sell the house & move to the town where the daughter lives (65 miles away). Not only did the daughter & SIL know, his parents knew & his mother let the cat out of the bag at the baby shower. MIL then gestured her to sssshhh as she hadn't told us at that point. At the time, I thought the conversation was very odd.

They then told us 3 weeks after it had gone on the market they were selling up to be near the daughter. To say I'm gutted is an understatement & I've shed a lot of tears over this. They've completely abandoned both us & DS & I never, ever expected this from them.

Anyone experienced this & what advice can you give? Seriously considering going NC now. Just to reiterate, I dont care about the Mondays, we can afford FT childcare it was more about them being part of DS's life. They've just dropped him, almost like a switch has been flicked & I am disgusted, angry, bitter, upset & all those things.

IF YOU GOT TO THE END WELL DONE :)

[ChinaCat345]

That mad mother in law of yours has decided your child will give the precious baby some kind of infection I’m afraid.

I wonder if it’s even occurred to them that they have completely dropped a lovely little boy, who loved them.
All to cater to the new grandchild, and compete for its affections.

And I blame your sister in law in this too. She is fully aware how her mother is behaving, and hasn’t acted.

My parents in law don’t visit us at all. I’m sorry that my children don’t have great sets of grandparents.

Try and make up for your sons loss with your mother, and try and visit her more often

[Lowbrow]

Favouritism is child abuse as far as I am concerned. I would send your MIL a text message before their December visit telling her that you are cancelling their visit and why.

You need to be your DC’s advocate and not allow him to be treated as second best.

If you allow them to visit you will only feel more upset after. They do not deserve to have your lovely son in their life, tossing him a few crumbs. They will probably cancel their visit anyway.

People like them make me sick. I would move and not tell them you have sold your house and moved away.

[AgentJohnson]

I get your frustration and confusion but..... which is it, you believe your MIL has MH issues or she’s being a cow? If you genuinely believe that something is going on with her MH then maybe this has absolutely nothing to with you and your son.

Do you not think it would be courteous to tell the people it affects the most before you list it at the very least?

This speaks volumes! The dynamic here is very weird, ‘effects the most’, you say she wasn’t being courteous but the paragraph implies that you think you should have been consulted, not just informed.

If this behaviour has been a recent development then maybe there is something going on with her MH but given your focus on how her behaviour effects you, you don’t seem to care. How does SIL feel about the new focus and attention from her mother? It must be overwhelming to have someone so anxious around constantly, especially if your MIL is trying to control her environment.

You need to check yourself because you blithely speculate about your MIL’s MH and then proceed to exclusively bitch about how her erratic behaviour effects you. You’ve expressed zero concern how her erratic behaviour and anxiety may be effecting her and your SIL’s life, no, it’s all about you and your hurt and inconvenience.

[CL240]

AgentJohnspn- SIL seems to be following the same mantra. I.e. our son is some kind of germ carrier and cant be near her or her baby. They both feed off each other.

Why were they both happy to be near my son and touch him, play with him etc until the SIL got pregnant?

Not going to apologise for expecting to be told they were selling the house. I would expect to be told end of story.

[CL240]

Why can she be hands on with the other child then? She's more than happy to change the other baby's nappies etc and be hands on with that one? And why won't the SIL let my son in her house?

[Whiskers14]

Just saw your update about the sun lounger cushion. WTAF? How can your DH not see how appalling that was? His parents think his DS is so diseased they can't have any part of his body touch their carpet????? I would be texting MIL today and saying you've only just found out about it and in the light of them doing that, you're not sure their visit in December is a good idea because your son will be running around your home as usual and god forbid he touches them. Then see what she says.

[CL240]

They don't behave like that in our house..is all very odd. I've given up trying to make sense of it all and did a long time ago. If my son is going to see them at all, I'd rather it be in an environment where he is safe and comfortable I.e our house.

They will pretend they care initially as I think they do feel perhaps a tiny bit guilty about what they've done but that will fizzle out naturally. Trust me, I won't allow him.to be treated like a leper.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

These two sat your son on a sun lounger cushion in their home and your DH did not say anything.

If you have them back in your home they will merely come in and piss all over your "territory" whilst smiling and baring teeth at the same time. Your H will sit there and do/say nothing against them due to his fear, obligation and guilt re them along with his own inertia which is also hurting him as well as you.

He does not want to rock the boat and still hopes contrary to his own experiences that they will change. He still seeks their approval and likely also wishes that you could all get along so he does not have to deal with this.

The "normal" rules of familial relations really do go out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families, they do not apply and the goalposts forever move about. They do not feel guilt, these people are incapable of feeling such. They have never apologised nor have even accepted any responsibility for their actions here. They are emotionally unhealthy to be at all around (as is his far more favoured sister) and having them in your home is a mistake.

Your H has been and remains profoundly affected by growing up within such a dysfunctional family and your son will be similarly harmed by his grandparents if you are daft enough to keep allowing them access to your child. And in your home it will merely happen in front of your very eyes. They were not good parents to your now husband when he was growing up and they are deplorably bad examples of grandparents to your son now.

[SeaEagleFeather]

CL, bear in mind that some people on the net get off on being contrary and objectionable. Best way to deal with people with an agenda, and ones who deliberately misinterpret what you say, is to ignore the posts.

I didn't for a moment mean to imply that your son isnt toilet trained - and even if he weren't, it doesnt matter. He's being treated like a dog there. He should be loved and cherished by his grand parents.

What happened when he tried to wander off the cushion? did they encourage him to stay back on it? :s

Honestly, being treated second best like that from people he loves - I can't say how much that stays with you.

[CL240]

Semi tempted to show DH this thread....he will go mental though.

[Winterdaysarehere]

There are no lies in this tread op.
Show away...

[CL240]

SeaEagle - I've no idea what happened with the cushion as I wasnt there annoyingly. I only saw the photo on DHs phone by chance a couple of days after.

[CL240]

And he was never allowed food or drink in the lounge anyway so what mess was he going to create??? They know full well he is potty trained.

Is funny as despite all this nonsense he is such a confident happy little chap. He says what he thinks and takes after me more. Obviously I am biased but I love that about him!!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

CL240

Re your comment:-

"I'm so torn. When they've seen him of late, they have been fine with him but it's always outside somewhere"

Their image and perception of them from others is all important to such people so they would be "fine" with him in a public place. Its behind closed doors too that their real natures fully emerge. I would also think on a wider level that his mother has no friends at all; they are merely people she has found useful to gather info from or be around.

Do not remain torn; your H cannot protect your son so you have to be the one who steps up to the plate.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do not show your DH this thread; he will see it as dirty laundry being aired in public (and in unhealthy families like the sort he came from secrets are all powerful and image is everything). Quite apart from that, you need an outlet.

[Foreverhungry32]

This thread is so heartbreaking! But I can totally relate.
My ex partners mum and dad were the same with my little boy. Ex already had a son who who was the “favourite” and they would send him presents out to the car whilst my son was left with nothing. He was never allowed to go into the house even though his brother was, and grandparents took him out and would have him on sleepovers.

It absolutely broke my heart to the point I would be in tears and it properly ruined the first few months of him being here as I constantly worried.
Now he is 4, the grandparents and uncles both walk past him like he doesn’t exist if we see them out and about. I think the last time they actually said “hello” to him was about 2 and a half years ago.

Anyways my point to this post is it will get easier I promise. I would cry myself to sleep heartbroken for my little boy but now I really couldn’t give a flying shit. We walk past them with our heads held high. My son is such a little gentleman and they are missing out as cliche as it sounds. He is shown so much love by me and my mum/brother etc that he doesn’t even question why they aren’t around.
I know it’s so hard but just think at least you have found out now what absolute cock snoggers they are and not years down the line when he will be effected and notice.

You sound like an amazing mum and that alone is enough for him x

[CL240]

You are so right Atilla. All about the perfect family image they want to portray. That's why they pretended they were bothered he wasnt at the christening. We were all supposed to comply and present the perfect family just for my son to then be ghosted immediately after.

We decided we weren't playing. I'm not going to show him this thread as he will react exactly as you describe.

[CL240]

Thank you forever hungry. I know it will get easier with time. We're getting used to the new norm.

[CatteStreet]

If this were me, OP, my dh could stay in contact if he so chose but these people would not be granted the privilege of seeing my son, having previously had that privilege and shown how little they valued it, and he would certainly not be playing a bit part in their stagings of happy families.

Nope. Wouldn't be happening on my watch. They wouldn't be welcome in my home, either, tbh. Your dh can go and visit.

[Xenia]

Ah, both parents went to the christening but the 3 year old was not taken. I had not read that properly.

It sounds like you are doing all you can in this situation. I cannot understand families which do not treat children equally. I sent my son £9.56 this morning which exactly made up the same sum everyone else is having.

The only differences that usually can be justified are is grandparents are different ages. My mother used to take my girls (the oldest) out when they were about 6 - 9 to harrods and to light candles in Catholic churches in London and day trips and she was about 60 ish then. However when my siblings' children were little and my youngest were little she was too ill for that (she died at 75) so obviously could not but that was just because of her age so it was not some slight as seems to be happening here.

[Ledkr]

God op. This is awful.
My Dd was first gc and pil fell.over themselves to be with her (a bit too much) then when sil and bil had kids it all. Stopped.
I was slightly relieved at the reduction in long weekend. visits but by then Dd adored them.
When they visit all they talk about is the other gc even sometimes using their names to address my Dd.
They also face time the other gc all fuckinh weekend often for hours and keep insisting Dd joins in.. She's 7 ffs she wants to play not sit talking to a 3 yeat old on a screen.
Dh is the same as yours and in denial. I can just about get him to be sarcastic about it but that's it.

[FrenchBoule]

Wrote a long reply and MN refreshed, lost it.So annoying.

OP, you might not be able to release your DH from FOG but please remove your son from your PIL’s company, don’t let them treat your little boy with such contempt.

Happy to pm you.

[CL240]

Yes I'm going to try to do that. I don't think it will be an overnight process...

[EKGEMS]

I'd tell them all to go to hell but then again I've been living this for 19 years-my son got garage sale hand-me-downs from PILs and the other GC all new. MIL moved in to DIL and BIL home to "help" while I struggled with a medically fragile high maintenance baby. Even fellow church members and the minister noted the discrepancies and remarked on it to me which pissed my DH off but I knew the truth-my family was 2nd best

[Wonkybanana]

OP I'd be very careful about giving your DS any contact with them. It's all very well that they act nicely when others are around, or in your home, but that's going to be confusing for a 3yo. Because every time it happens, he's going to wonder if he'll start to see more of them again, be able to go to their house like he used to. It might get his hopes up, only to be dashed again. I'd be very tempted to keep him out of their way until he's forgotten how they used to be. And if he then starts to see that his cousin is treated very differently to him, then that will upset him too.

I know you're trying to avoid a showdown with your DH, but your little boy has to come first, and you need to protect his feelings. If your DH would rather see his son upset than his mother, it's a showdown you have to have.