Grandparents have dumped my son in favour of new grandchild

[CL240]

Hi all,

First ever post here so go easy on me!! Apologies if I have posted in wrong area. I'll try not to make this an essay. Just wanted some advice on next course of action.

So my husband & I have been together 15 years & we have a 3 yr old boy. We moved to the same town as PIL's to be nearer when we started a family. Up til December, they have been very involved in DS's life & had him every Monday & then he went to nursery the other 4 days as we both work. They were more than happy to do it & we did not force the issue as we never wanted him to be a burden.

Anyhow, they have a daughter who is 2 yrs younger than OH. She became pregnant & was due end of Jan. She has always been a bit of a Mummy's girl & they are close but no issue with that at all as I get mums and daughters often have a special bond & I am the DIL. I hasten to add I have always involved her & treated her like my own Mum.

Anyway she said in January, she didn't want to commit to having our son on Mondays as she wanted to be available for the daughter if needed.
We just swallowed it & said fine fair enough no problem. This then carried on into Feb way after the baby had been born & every Monday she kept letting us down at the last minute with varying excuses. She actually went completely NC with us & DS for 7 weeks in this time & didn't so much as pop over for a cuppa. Just nothing.

More often than not, the nursery couldn't take him at last minute meaning OH & I have been using a lot of annual leave to cover. Her main excuse is that she is paranoid that our son might have germs & she doesn't want to get sick if she is seeing the other baby girl. Utterly bizarre.

Anyway, we decided enough was enough & got our son booked in full time wef June. There was no point doing it earlier as we are on hol in May & with bank holidays there would only be 1 Monday in May to cover.

We said we don't want DS to be a burden (in a nice way) so we have now arranged full time nursery. Could you please however do 2 more Mondays - 29 Apr & 20 May that's it. She said she would.

My OH then gets a text today saying sorry I can't have DS on Monday. No reason given. Nursery can't have him so I've got to take another day off. At this point, I am raging (!) but call the nursery & ensure 20 May booked in with them as she will inevitably let us down again for that one.

So as at now, she is not having him any more. Me & OH both agree this for the best as MIL being so flaky. However, when I text her to say we have made alternative arrangements for 20 MAy as we can tell you dont want to have him any more, she replied with a thumbs up!!

No apology, no sorry to mess you about for 4 months continually nothing.

If she had just said pre new baby, I can't commit to having him any more, fine, but she hasn't she's just let us down at every opportunity.

In addition to that, she is keeping our DS away from his new cousin as she doesn't want him near her. I find this quite unnerving TBH & when I met the baby for the first time last week, she insisted on having our son. This is the only time she has insisted on it as she is clearly desperate to keep him away from her. I've no idea if this is some kind of germ thing or what, but her behaviour is getting increasingly erratic & I'm about to blow my lid.

On top of all that, she had secretly decided to sell the house & move to the town where the daughter lives (65 miles away). Not only did the daughter & SIL know, his parents knew & his mother let the cat out of the bag at the baby shower. MIL then gestured her to sssshhh as she hadn't told us at that point. At the time, I thought the conversation was very odd.

They then told us 3 weeks after it had gone on the market they were selling up to be near the daughter. To say I'm gutted is an understatement & I've shed a lot of tears over this. They've completely abandoned both us & DS & I never, ever expected this from them.

Anyone experienced this & what advice can you give? Seriously considering going NC now. Just to reiterate, I dont care about the Mondays, we can afford FT childcare it was more about them being part of DS's life. They've just dropped him, almost like a switch has been flicked & I am disgusted, angry, bitter, upset & all those things.

IF YOU GOT TO THE END WELL DONE :)

CL240

None of you need people like his mother in your life, you need radiators not drains on you. This is who she is and its not your fault she is like this nor did you make her that way.

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics that are being played out here. You are wise indeed to withdraw totally from her.

Based on my own experience of a similar MIL, I can guess roughly what will happen.

MIL will go haring over to your SIL, who will be less than thrilled with the continual interference. There will be blazing rows and SIL will fast descend into PND from which she will eventually recover once she has gone low/no contact with MIL (prompted by BIL threatening to bury MIL under the patio) and no longer has to endure rants about how she's a useless mother because her child doesn't wear dresses or some similar nonsense.

MIL will be left on her own, insisting she hates where she is, she's lonely, SIL never comes to see her, she misses your DS etc. etc..

Your DS will quickly get over the separation and probably won't even remember any of this by next year.

You will thank your lucky stars you avoided all this drama and be non-committal/discouraging to any suggestions about MIL moving back again.

I can see a certain symmetry here. Your dh and his sister, your son and his sister's daughter. I hate to think how she treated your dh when his sister arrived on the scene.

its all very odd isn't it, no idea what's going on in mil head as I'm sure she loves her little gs as much as the new baby, some sort of odd rationalisation that with her dd being isolated in newish area, her sil working fair distance away, new baby, they need her more than you, they need her more than her daughters in-laws, cant let them get in there too much! that your ds had 3 years of undivided attention and the new baby needs extra care to make up, really though its probably she just what my gran would call ' lost the run of herself' this baby she can be more involved with as its her daughters, and I find my mum and my mil are both more interested in their daughters babies than their sons, but ..who cares really? pointless getting upset, i'd do as other suggest just give her a whole load of space. but I would push relationship with sil, people with no kids find it hard to be interested in other peoples kids, but when dust settles sil may well appreciate her dd getting to know her big cousin and having another ear to bend over her mad mothers behaviour, you ds well he just needs family doesn't need to see them weekly or monthly, aunts uncles cousins just as good.

Lllot5 - All I can think of is that his little sister was the high achiever & the Mum is in a sense living a bit through her. OH wasnt particularly academic (got bullied & beaten at school so skipped a lot) & didn't really have a career shall we say.

However, he has always worked hard & has a great work ethic & is actually in quite a good job now. Is almost like they never had any aspiration for him so not worth the time. Very sad but I tell him I love him every day & make sure he knows I would do anything for him.

FIL - Actually gets on better with my OH. There is tension between the daughter & him in fact. Incidentally, he doesnt want to move & the Mum does. Is all a bit weird! He is quite a forthright chap I would say, bit selfish but harmless enough & we get on quite well.

If your sil doesn’t contact you much you may find she obeys your mil as the gatekeeper. Your mil clearly divided her children growing up. If you want to cut through this, I agree with the post above, I would contact your Sil directly.

YANBU to be very hurt for your ds. And your dh. Your ds will get over this especially if you do a few special things together, make an effort to visit your family and the baby so that he knows he is much loved. I think it will is harder for your dh.

Not everyone favours daughters over sons btw. My mother is the other way around. She still enjoys playing her children off each other and loves to say how wonderful her son is, denying he is violent and abusive to me even when she’s witnessed it, blaming me. I’m the family scapegoat. It’s got better since I refused to put up with anymore abuse from her and went lower contact.

I don't get on with my mum yet she is close with my 2 DCs: I've no problem with that, she treats them better than she ever treated me I let them get on with it. My Sis has 1 DC, same situation.

However, my mum has ZERO interest in her other grandchildren via my brothers. Awful, and her DILs are also hurt but what can you do?

It does often seem to be the case that a grandmother will favour the children of her daughter over the children of her son.

In your case it's disgusting that cousins are being kept apart. My 2 do see their cousins, if only occasionally. Your MIL is a manipulator. Why can't you arrange to see your SIL & her child yourself, without having to go through MIL? If your OH is close with his sister that should be standard surely? if they aren't close there's not much you can do now, it would be weird to be 'suddenly' close.

I don't even consult my mum when I'm meeting up with my brother and his children as she does tend to like to make things all about her. We don't give her the chance. Perhaps you could do same?

Been there done that
We had the first GC and mil couldnt been more delighted and helpful.
Then Sil had a baby, followed by another one and we might as well not have existed
Luckily we never relied on her for childcare and live an hour away.
My dc are 14 and 10 now and really aren’t bothered about her. We are careful not to say anything in front of them but they have made comments about how grandma much prefers their cousins

My dhs family is just like this. My mil babysits for the golden siblings children and yet our ds hasn’t seen her for nearly 2 years! We live 20 mins away by car, or 40 mins by train. She regularly travels all over the country on walking holidays and is fit and healthy yet has been to our house once in 9 years. We used to visit her every Sunday and tried to build a relationship between her and ds but it was just so uncomfortable and you could tell she couldn’t care less. But the other grandchildren however.....

It’s shit. It really is.

I haven’t contacted her at all in about a year now and she doesn’t contact us. On Facebook everyone thinks she’s this amazing, wonderful doting grandparent!

Some people really are arseholes.

How is your DS's behaviour? Is he quite boisterous? Any chance she thinks he'd hard the baby?

I'm really sorry for everyone else that this has also happened to. I guess its quite common!

I will tell MIL straight that we don't need her input re: meeting up with SIL & we are capable of arranging amongst ourselves that is a promise as I'm not going to tolerate it. I don't want a row but she needs to be put back in her box (politely).

I have to go now but be keen to read other people's stories when I get back later. Thanks again everyone. Some very insightful comments here actually.

Sounds to me like you will be well rid when she moves, CL240!

No way would I allow anyone to treat my dc as second best and, believe me, the favouritism will only get worse as years go by. 😢. I do so understand your hurt experienced very similar from my own mother many years ago and with whom I have been NC for a VERY long time

Overmaars I feel sure you won't be pushed out by your sons' future wives/partners. You sound fabulous!! Would you like to adopt an old bugger? 😂😂😂. my mother was shit

How upsetting for you all op.
I also have a Mil who spends lots of time with my SIL’s dd, but does almost nothing for our dds. It makes me ragey tbh. On behalf of my dds and DH. When my dds were small ( our are older, she has no other grandchildren apart from my two and Sil’s one ) without giving too much away, the family setup meant it wasn’t possible/safe to ever leave the girls there alone. Now it is different, but she just isn’t interested. It is my dds birthday in a couple of days but she hasn’t sent her anything, she has only just asked DH what she might like. She never bothers to send something for the actual birthday, she refused to come to her tenth birthday party , but went 200 miles to be at the birthday party of SIl’s toddler, who wouldn’t have noticed if she was there or not.
It really upsets me and means I don’t make as much effort any more. The girls get hurt and DH is upset and it is just so depressing. She has two amazing granddaughters , but seems mainly interested in the third. It is particularly hard to bear as my own mother, who would be doting on my dds, is dead. Mil is the only grandparent they have, whereas SIls child has another set. 😢

So I have nothing helpful to say, other than that your DH should tell her how hurtful this is, and ask her outright whether she wants her grandson to grow up not knowing her.
to you op.

DS is active but not violent or anything like that. Typical 3 yr old but highly affectionate. He's recorded little videos to say hello to his new cousin but hasn't been able to meet her.

I will put a stop to that.

Incidentally with the dont contact her at Xmas thing, SIL didn't even know MIL had done that. She had no idea.

My parents used to have my youngest one day a week after morning nursery in school term only. When my sister's daughter started school they arranged to pick her up every day and didn't tell me until I rang about the next terms arrangements. We'd seen them all summer and nothing had been said. I love them all but it changed how I feel about my parents. My son just wasn't as important, no one what's to find that out. I've just had to deal with it but it was hard for a long time.

How upsetting, I feel so sorry for you and your DS I wish I had some good advice to give but instead offering you a hand hold ❤️

MIL sounds weird about her intense relationship with daughter and new grandchild. What would happen if you ask your OH if you can go see the Sister in law's baby with your son?
Agree with others you could stand your ground and do what suits OH and sister in law.
Is there any chance you can see your mum and relativez more often? Would your OH consider one day moving closer to your side of the family?

FIL - Actually gets on better with my OH. There is tension between the daughter & him in fact. Incidentally, he doesnt want to move & the Mum does. Is all a bit weird! He is quite a forthright chap I would say, bit selfish but harmless enough & we get on quite well.

The OH is usually very nice, clears up the mess after the other one and generally enables the behaviour eg by giving them what they want (ie the housemove). I didn't understand this until I hit this situation with my own mother and talked to a counsellor. When DM died, she became a goddess. Don't be fooled. It is a team effort.

My MIL offered to come help us as our then six year old was having major surgery and would be in ICU then home in leg casts for weeks and she panicked because her DIL she lived with was only down to one vehicle and she was so worried! I finally told her off at the bedside as she kept moaning over it and she left when he was still in ICU!
Your husband is in such deep denial! There's a difference between being chilled Like Buddha and being comatose OP.

To clarify she watched her daughter's kids and other son's kids so much more than mine

I'd move back to where you were tbh, and just have less contact with them.
Your mil has made her choice and it's so obvious.

I was closer to my paternal Grannie growing up, partly because we lived closer, and she lived for longer. My Dad had brothers but no sisters, and my Grannie treated all the grandchildren the same. My maternal grannie had sons and daughters and seemed fond of all the grandchildren, even though some lived around the corner and we lived far away, she hand knitted us jumpers and sent big parcels. So I didn’t grow up with a grandparent who favoured her daughters children, or one set of grandchildren over another. It seems such a cruel thing to do, I am surprised it is so common.

Nothing to add really to everyone’s comments about how shit it is except for those who can’t read, the op has explained 3 times at least so far that mil didn’t say she couldn’t do any more childcare, she gave 3 dates in jan she couldn’t do.
And I would bloody well take my ds to visit the baby and take 20 photos of them together, and share them if sil doesn’t object to that .
But I wouldn’t be calling mil any time soon and I think I’d be keeping my ds out of anything with her.
OP, what would you love to do at Christmas? You aren’t hosting anyone next Christmas, you can

do whatever you want!

I wonder if when you had your DS your MIL did the same and told SIL not to visit/you didn’t want her to meet DS etc etc and that’s why she stopped being involved after being excited during the pregnancy???

I am totally bewildered at this appalling behaviour OP,,,you must be feeling awful for your LB bless him....I would as suggested before let her bugger off and contact when YOU want to and let it be...No falling out is needed,no reaction from you is better than reacting because she will do as she pleases anyway....I too can forsee it will end up badly with her moving near your SIl...but thats her mess she created and when that circus comes to town you leave them too it...She really sounds like a terrible woman to me...You will have nothing to thank her for so therefore you are not obliged to her in anyway,not now or in the future,,,that going forward could be a great blessing to you...I am sorry she has done this to you and your son...