Grandparents have dumped my son in favour of new grandchild

[CL240]

Hi all,

First ever post here so go easy on me!! Apologies if I have posted in wrong area. I'll try not to make this an essay. Just wanted some advice on next course of action.

So my husband & I have been together 15 years & we have a 3 yr old boy. We moved to the same town as PIL's to be nearer when we started a family. Up til December, they have been very involved in DS's life & had him every Monday & then he went to nursery the other 4 days as we both work. They were more than happy to do it & we did not force the issue as we never wanted him to be a burden.

Anyhow, they have a daughter who is 2 yrs younger than OH. She became pregnant & was due end of Jan. She has always been a bit of a Mummy's girl & they are close but no issue with that at all as I get mums and daughters often have a special bond & I am the DIL. I hasten to add I have always involved her & treated her like my own Mum.

Anyway she said in January, she didn't want to commit to having our son on Mondays as she wanted to be available for the daughter if needed.
We just swallowed it & said fine fair enough no problem. This then carried on into Feb way after the baby had been born & every Monday she kept letting us down at the last minute with varying excuses. She actually went completely NC with us & DS for 7 weeks in this time & didn't so much as pop over for a cuppa. Just nothing.

More often than not, the nursery couldn't take him at last minute meaning OH & I have been using a lot of annual leave to cover. Her main excuse is that she is paranoid that our son might have germs & she doesn't want to get sick if she is seeing the other baby girl. Utterly bizarre.

Anyway, we decided enough was enough & got our son booked in full time wef June. There was no point doing it earlier as we are on hol in May & with bank holidays there would only be 1 Monday in May to cover.

We said we don't want DS to be a burden (in a nice way) so we have now arranged full time nursery. Could you please however do 2 more Mondays - 29 Apr & 20 May that's it. She said she would.

My OH then gets a text today saying sorry I can't have DS on Monday. No reason given. Nursery can't have him so I've got to take another day off. At this point, I am raging (!) but call the nursery & ensure 20 May booked in with them as she will inevitably let us down again for that one.

So as at now, she is not having him any more. Me & OH both agree this for the best as MIL being so flaky. However, when I text her to say we have made alternative arrangements for 20 MAy as we can tell you dont want to have him any more, she replied with a thumbs up!!

No apology, no sorry to mess you about for 4 months continually nothing.

If she had just said pre new baby, I can't commit to having him any more, fine, but she hasn't she's just let us down at every opportunity.

In addition to that, she is keeping our DS away from his new cousin as she doesn't want him near her. I find this quite unnerving TBH & when I met the baby for the first time last week, she insisted on having our son. This is the only time she has insisted on it as she is clearly desperate to keep him away from her. I've no idea if this is some kind of germ thing or what, but her behaviour is getting increasingly erratic & I'm about to blow my lid.

On top of all that, she had secretly decided to sell the house & move to the town where the daughter lives (65 miles away). Not only did the daughter & SIL know, his parents knew & his mother let the cat out of the bag at the baby shower. MIL then gestured her to sssshhh as she hadn't told us at that point. At the time, I thought the conversation was very odd.

They then told us 3 weeks after it had gone on the market they were selling up to be near the daughter. To say I'm gutted is an understatement & I've shed a lot of tears over this. They've completely abandoned both us & DS & I never, ever expected this from them.

Anyone experienced this & what advice can you give? Seriously considering going NC now. Just to reiterate, I dont care about the Mondays, we can afford FT childcare it was more about them being part of DS's life. They've just dropped him, almost like a switch has been flicked & I am disgusted, angry, bitter, upset & all those things.

IF YOU GOT TO THE END WELL DONE :)

[Handsoffmysweets]

Your MIL is an utter tit. Drop her like a hot brick and go NC.

[HavelockVetinari]

Oh how hurtful. I'm sorry your PIL are such cunts.

It's sad for your DS, presumably he's wondering why he never sees his Nanny any more

It's very odd that your DH doesn't see how bonkers it all is, how is he rationalising it?

[justasking111]

There is a difference between being retired and having time in their lives to being tied to one day a week childcare. If a nursery has a member of staff off sick that is their problem. If family are ill that is your problem.

[SVRT19674]

Weeeell, I got to the end. This reminded me of my hairdresser who told me years ago that "the grandchild through your daughter is your real grandchild, the grandchild through your son is the other grandmother's grandchild". I am afraid your MIL agrees with her.
As to moving all around the country to be "near people" sod that. Hubby and I are alone and our daughter in full time childcare. There is nothing stopping other people from moving away. I would just cool it and make mental note and move on. Their position is clear.

[AryaStarkWolf]

That's awful, it must affect your Dh too, he's probably trying to wall those feelings off though to protect himself. That's such a cruel way to behave

[AnnaMagnani]

I think the clue is she has always favoured the daughter

Your DH isn't bothered by her behaviour as he has never known her any other way.

Let her go. She is going to be a crap nanna. Luckily your son is 3 so he will forget all this and you can get into a routine of her turning up for Christmas and birthdays with rubbish gifts having given the fatted calf over at SIL's.

The sooner you massively lower your expectations the better. Let your DH be responsible for relations with her.

[WeirdPatient]

I just hoped it wouldn't manifest in the grandchildren but sadly it has.

It's dealable with when it's you, but it hurts so much more when it affects your DC. Take a step back and support your DH. Pretty much all you can do.

[justasking111]

The germ phobia is real. My friend got really weird over this with her baby, one sneeze and you were thrown out. If you thought you might be harbouring a bug/germ you knew to stay away. Once she had her second and third child she did not worry anymore was just glad of the company.

[CL240]

justasking111 - absolutely. If you read my posts, they offered it. We never asked. We never expected free childcare. MIL has said she wants to do it & then kept letting us down.

Don't offer if you don't mean it would by my view. I'm not unreasonable.

I never ask them to do evening sitting either perhaps 1-2 a year for our birthdays but we always go out separately because we deliberately try not to be a burden & don't want to take the p!$$ if they have him in the day too.

I always host them at Xmas, prep all the dinner make them feel at home & include them in everything. I'm just not used to this behaviour its just come from nowhere.

[Wholetthekidsout]

Sorry your mil is so wierd and hurtful
I thought I had in law issues but yours sound super erratic
Id drop her and let her take the lead with contacting DH and grandkid if she wants to.
I'm surprised with some comments, OP is not expecting childcare just want some honest communication. Imagine what that is like for her DH to suddenly be cut off

[Loopytiles]

First, DS will be fine. If over time the GPs continue to favour their younger GC, you and DH can do things to minimise negative impact on DS. DC with complicated (at best) GPs don’t necessarily miss out, I didn’t, I had fairly low contact with mine and got a good education on dysfunctional families

Suggest detaching from the in laws, and just seeing them when DH arranges it, being polite but not initiating contact. And seeing SIL and her family occasionally as before, without involving MIL.

If the PIL have always favoured SIL over your H, he could have some deep issues, and you mention he has had MH problems. Suggest continuing to support him and perhaps both of you looking at some of the reading recommended on the Stately Homes threads.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Love the way weepingwillow is trying to make you sound like the bad guy, but it's literally impossible to do that here. Ignore.

I'm so sorry, OP. This is terrible. As you say, it does sound like there might be some sort of mental health issue. Is there anyway you could see her - just you, without DS - and try and ask her as neutrally as you can (I know this will be hard as you, completely understandably, furious) what the hell is going on? Ideally your DH would do this, but as you say he won't confront the problem it may need to be you.

[sillysmiles]

She feels that her daughter's child is more "her" than your child. She doesn't really see your DS has your OH's DS but as yours and therefore - not hers.

That's my thoughts on it.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

Dear OP, please have an internet hug from a sympathetic stranger, if you'd like one. These situations suck, and I'm so sorry.

Sadly, I can see no solution. You've behaved with dignity throughout, and responded in the only possible way as far as childcare goes. Likewise my MiL was around me like a rash throughout my maternity leave - I barely knew her before - but as soon as DC's babyhood was past she was back to contacting us only about 3X a year. Still wants front and centre stage during birthdays and Christmas though; but those events rightfully belong to the friends and relatives who are actually there for our DC.

I caught on this sentence:

*However, when I text her to say we have made alternative arrangements for 20 MAy as we can tell you dont want to have him any more, she replied with a thumbs up!!'

What. A. Bitch.

[AvengersAssemble]

So your bitching about your MIL saying she has Mental Health Issues just because she stopped looking after your DS?

Clearly more to this than your prepared to say, especially regarding her daughter and the baby.

[Windinmyhair]

I'd probably have replied to MIL "What do you mean silly nanny hangups". I find the only way to deal with this PA/half statement behaviours is ask. What does she mean? What is going on? Direct questions and don't let her get away with not giving a direct answer.

[CL240]

Thanks all for your replies. Is nice to vent!

loopytiles - OH definitely has issues e.g. self esteem & confidence & was bullied at school. I have tried to build him up as much as I can & teach him to not take $h1t from people but ultimately he is a very placid guy & avoids confrontation. Fantastic Dad & husband I must add!

I guess we'll be ok - just need to get used to the new norm & let her do the running. It really bloody hurts though. Feels like I am grieving as dramatic as that sounds. Lots of tears so far & still flowing but what can you do. Families absolutely suck at times.

[MitziK]

I wonder whether SIL is actually looking forward to her mother charging over to 'help'? There must be a reason why she moved so far away in the first place, after all, and the ILs knowing might be due to it not being taken so well in private/it being announced to them, rather than planning it as a group.

And she has sorted out FT childcare without including either set of GPs...


I'm just imagining a MN post of

'I've just had my baby, my mother has looked after my DN for the last three years, but she's got a bit weird since the birth, not letting DN see DD/me and constantly cancelling on SIL at the last moment. Anyway, I've sorted out FT childcare for DD, but at the Christening, my mother announced that she's put her house on the market and is moving to where we live. I couldn't say anything at the time because it was so public. Moreover, she wanted to keep it a secret from my DB and SIL when they're lovely, as is their DS. It's all a bit overwhelming and I know she's my mother, but I don't need her for childcare, I've already got the ILs nearby and, quite frankly, I rather like being about an hour's drive away from her. I'm worried that she's going to try and take over and push my DB and his family out. What should I do?'

[Parsley65]

I think you should be grateful that your MIL is moving so far away!
If it was me I would keep contact between myself, my kids and her minimal and allow her son to carry the load - if he wants to.
Focus on your own family and spend some extra time doing fun stuff together or building a closer relationship between your DS and your DP's...

[Thesearmsofmine]

This is similar to what happened to us and it is really shit tbh. Ds1 was 5.6 when it all changed and it has been hardest for him as he remembers the fun stuff they used to do and asks if he can go to theirs for the day and we are left to try and explain as nicely as we can that he can’t.

[Clutterbugsmum]

I always host them at Xmas, prep all the dinner make them feel at home & include them in everything. Well now they are moving time for this to slow down and or stop completely.

[Kez200]

This is so bizarre.

Our two have suffered with us living away. The GPs live next door to their two cousins and they do everything for them and they can do no wrong. Our two are definitely treated like second class citizens and they would even go home early when staying with us, to catch the cousins doing something which they would be doing weekly and not stay to see our two doing something of equal importance which they would only have the chance to see once in a blue moon.

This is despite their children having been treated in a similar way by GGPs and them moaning about it!!

I have huge sympathy and I cannot see it will get any better for you as she is even more bizarre than ours! Just do your very best for your children as they will understand when they grow older - my two do and, now they work, they treat the different sets of GPs differently simply because they are far closer to the other set.

[CL240]

MitziK that has made me giggle. I would like to think SIL sees it this way.

SIL moved away because of work. Her OH works a long way away from where she does, so they picked a location in the middle to ease both of their commutes. They have no ties to that area & moved there 2 years ago.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

She feels that her daughter's child is more "her" than your child. She doesn't really see your DS has your OH's DS but as yours and therefore - not hers.

It might also be about preferring little babies. Lots of people lose interest in babies once their 'newness' wears off, and are big fans of the 'sitting there holding them' stage and not much else (I think they're idiots, not least because newborns are boring and toddlers are fun, but they definitely exist)