Grandparents have dumped my son in favour of new grandchild

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Hi all,

First ever post here so go easy on me!! Apologies if I have posted in wrong area. I'll try not to make this an essay. Just wanted some advice on next course of action.

So my husband & I have been together 15 years & we have a 3 yr old boy. We moved to the same town as PIL's to be nearer when we started a family. Up til December, they have been very involved in DS's life & had him every Monday & then he went to nursery the other 4 days as we both work. They were more than happy to do it & we did not force the issue as we never wanted him to be a burden.

Anyhow, they have a daughter who is 2 yrs younger than OH. She became pregnant & was due end of Jan. She has always been a bit of a Mummy's girl & they are close but no issue with that at all as I get mums and daughters often have a special bond & I am the DIL. I hasten to add I have always involved her & treated her like my own Mum.

Anyway she said in January, she didn't want to commit to having our son on Mondays as she wanted to be available for the daughter if needed.
We just swallowed it & said fine fair enough no problem. This then carried on into Feb way after the baby had been born & every Monday she kept letting us down at the last minute with varying excuses. She actually went completely NC with us & DS for 7 weeks in this time & didn't so much as pop over for a cuppa. Just nothing.

More often than not, the nursery couldn't take him at last minute meaning OH & I have been using a lot of annual leave to cover. Her main excuse is that she is paranoid that our son might have germs & she doesn't want to get sick if she is seeing the other baby girl. Utterly bizarre.

Anyway, we decided enough was enough & got our son booked in full time wef June. There was no point doing it earlier as we are on hol in May & with bank holidays there would only be 1 Monday in May to cover.

We said we don't want DS to be a burden (in a nice way) so we have now arranged full time nursery. Could you please however do 2 more Mondays - 29 Apr & 20 May that's it. She said she would.

My OH then gets a text today saying sorry I can't have DS on Monday. No reason given. Nursery can't have him so I've got to take another day off. At this point, I am raging (!) but call the nursery & ensure 20 May booked in with them as she will inevitably let us down again for that one.

So as at now, she is not having him any more. Me & OH both agree this for the best as MIL being so flaky. However, when I text her to say we have made alternative arrangements for 20 MAy as we can tell you dont want to have him any more, she replied with a thumbs up!!

No apology, no sorry to mess you about for 4 months continually nothing.

If she had just said pre new baby, I can't commit to having him any more, fine, but she hasn't she's just let us down at every opportunity.

In addition to that, she is keeping our DS away from his new cousin as she doesn't want him near her. I find this quite unnerving TBH & when I met the baby for the first time last week, she insisted on having our son. This is the only time she has insisted on it as she is clearly desperate to keep him away from her. I've no idea if this is some kind of germ thing or what, but her behaviour is getting increasingly erratic & I'm about to blow my lid.

On top of all that, she had secretly decided to sell the house & move to the town where the daughter lives (65 miles away). Not only did the daughter & SIL know, his parents knew & his mother let the cat out of the bag at the baby shower. MIL then gestured her to sssshhh as she hadn't told us at that point. At the time, I thought the conversation was very odd.

They then told us 3 weeks after it had gone on the market they were selling up to be near the daughter. To say I'm gutted is an understatement & I've shed a lot of tears over this. They've completely abandoned both us & DS & I never, ever expected this from them.

Anyone experienced this & what advice can you give? Seriously considering going NC now. Just to reiterate, I dont care about the Mondays, we can afford FT childcare it was more about them being part of DS's life. They've just dropped him, almost like a switch has been flicked & I am disgusted, angry, bitter, upset & all those things.

IF YOU GOT TO THE END WELL DONE :)

You must be super pissed off, you moved towns to be nearer to her!

He's just said i suppose we should get them a new home card.

^

Ha

I clearly remember your original thread OP as I was enraged on your behalf. I must have commented on it. Try and rise above it would be my advice, in a literal way. Give them far less importance and power in your life. Yes, move nearer your parents and family if practical to do so work wise. Try not to even think about them day to day, They will be the ultimate losers here but they are affecting your health now so if you can't change them, change yourself. Wishing you the very best of luck for a happy future without them. x

I've told DH I will be going NC with them all now. Hes cool with it. I can't stop him seeing them but their lack of effort will inevitably become clear as time goes on.

I also said I am not having them do damage to our little boy and if we do ever visit and I get a whiff of the favourtism being apparent, I will immediately remove access. You can bet your bottom dollar the other GC will have her own room and loads of toys etc. Can already see what will happen. I've not been wrong so far.

Not even so much as bought the kid a £1 car from Poundland this year and have spent tens of thousands on moving costs and fancy holidays. I guarantee they have helped the daughter financially whilst she is on maternity leave.

DH agrees we should let them do the running now. They are coming here in Dec to see us before Xmas so I'll have a quick cuppa, make my excuses and get the hell out of here.

I hear laxative laced mince pies are all the rage op....
My pil (now ex) have rewritten history now one of my dc's is a successful adult.
Doting dgps doesn't cover it.
Make me wanna puke tbh.
May invest in some mince pies myself. They sometimes turn up here for a cuppa when over seeing ds.
Never visited when we lived 3 streets away for years.
Am sure sil had cctv to check they didn't enter our street as they had to pass it - or would have had to
..

They sound/she sounds awful :( You've done nothing to deserve this.
Fuck 'em. Hugs xxxxx

Wow 😮, your MIL dosent sound as if she is bothered about how things are now so please don’t give it anymore of your emotional energy smile and wave attitude I would of taken with the whole thing, besides the Christening were other children invited? No way would I of gone to a family members christening or been ok with DP going if it was my child alone that wasn’t invited for the reasons they give if other children were going and I would of told them I wasn’t attending and exactly why I wasn’t, my own mother tells me often you have to stick up for your children because nobody else will and this is the exact sort of thing she means by it, people can only treat you badly if you allow them too, if other children were there then something is amiss here and think there is much more to this they are not telling you and your partner like iil feeling towards you or DP or jealousy of your son doesn’t sound like their behaviour is coming from a good place like love when it comes to you guys but a unpleasant place they won’t discuss with you, smile and wave but never forget 💐

We've gotten by without any support from them this year so we know things will be ok. Just loathe the idea of ever having to spend time with them again. The thought of having to spend xmas with them etc makes me feel ill. I won't be doing it.

Fkin families. Mine are by no means perfect but they would never treat the GCs differently and they have 6.

Oh one other thing I didn't mention...they let DS go to their house in August. Was the first time in about 4 or 5 months. DH went with them I stayed away. She got a sun lounger cushion in the living room and made him sit on that. Wasn't even allowed to sit on the carpet....

Words fail me tbh. I only saw it from some pics my DH took. I said to him why have they done that dont you think its weird and he replied oh yeah I suppose I didnt think think about it. Fkin lunatics.

Just RTFT for the first time and I'm so angry for you and your family! From your original posts it sounded like your MIL had MH issues and SIL was unaware and a bit disinterested.

Having read the updates I'm disgusted! It sounds like PIL has a good relationship with DS until their DGD was born and he was dropped.

What I will say is that you all sound lovely! It's completely their loss that they are missing out on a relationship. I would now let any of them near DS now. They seem to think he's full of germs and second class.

Hey lovely. From now on, pretend they don't exist. Don't waste any more headspace or energy thinking about them and certainly don't let them affect your future family growth plans. Most people aren't like that. I have 2 brothers and my parents don't treat my children any differently to my brothers'. I have 2 kids of each sex and I can guarantee I will treat all my grandkids equally just like I treat my kids.

Oh your poor DS if the sun lounger incident is exactly how things went and only your DS was made to sit on one not his choice to sit there but was purposely put there or told sit there whilst everyone else sat where they pleased I’d be talking to DH about how unhealthy this is for your DS to be treated like that by family and how if you both let it continue can become very upsetting to him and could have a huge impact on him mentally and on his confidence children are much more aware of things than us adults realise, sadly they don’t seem like they will change they only getting worse with how it effects your child right in front of him and directly at him the sun lounger incident was, big no no for me I’d be on the edge of NC and making sure DH fully understood how the way his family have behaved to your DC isn’t ok and that you won’t stand for it even if he willing to allow them to treat him that way and not let them have contact with him again without me present and any more of that behaviour I’d be telling them don’t treat my child like that who the hell do they think they are and out of there like a shot with my child or asking them to leave and go NC or good and leave DH see them on his own accord without us

makesmiling is right.

making him sit on a special lounger so he doesnt contaminate the floor while his cousins are given everything is appallingly damaging. Especially given that he may well have residual feelings of love; your MIL will have had a considerable effect on him in the first 3 years as a significant care-giver, who then disappeared and only treats him as, well, ... im really sorry, but like a dog that can't be trusted not to crap indoors.

Please, protect your son here. The full picture from beginning to end, and that end is on a mat, is awful. It -will- affect him.

Why on earth do you plan to let them in your house in December?

They have treated your son abhorrently. They made him sit on a lounger.

Stnad up for him. Don't let them anywhere near DS. They want to see DH? Fine, when they come to your area, he can meet them.

No contact means no contact.

Oh my goodness OP.
What horror inlaws you have. Please cut the contact if you can and never send your little boy to be commanded and humiliated again.
It might take your DH a while to realise how awful his parents are.

NC here with FIL and stepMIL for exactly the same reasons. It took DH a few years, several incidents and blazing row with me ( I refused to roll over and take any more shit from them) to see them for what they are.

DH is a good man, they treated him appallingly. When it came to our kids being treated as second class citizens in comparison to their cousins, I put my foot down.

Just passed 2 years since we saw them last. Bliss. No drama or high expectations.

FIL has met a friend of ours recently and was whining that he’s hurting because of our treatment of him and “what has he done to deserve it”.
Funny enough we never had any communication from him, just his wife ( and her family has always come fir

I agree. DH can see these toxic people if he chooses. You and DS will stay home. Having him sit on a patio cushion, the very idea!!!!!

As far as Xmas, your DH isn't strong enough to challenge them if they say or do something to the detriment of your son. I wouldn't have them around DS if I wasn't present, even if it meant I had to grit my teeth and sit through their visit. Either that or I'd find a reason to leave and take DS with me.

I'm so torn. When they've seen him of late, they have been fine with him but it's always outside somewhere. I'm not sure how they will behave with him being in their house.

Just to clarify they took a sun lounger cushion from the garden so he didnt sit on the living room carpet. He's fully toilet trained so no issues on that score.

That's almost abusive!

My DGC would be mortified if I did that! Protect things when they sleep and might lose control, but to not sit on the carpet (or the sofa?)

Can't your DH see how terribly wrong they are?

That is batshit crazy. Mil has serious issues, and oh/fil are facilitating it. Keep your child away from her!

Please keep your family away from her. I can’t believe they made a 3 y/o sit on a lounger because he’s not allowed to touch the floor?! Wtf? She certainly wouldn’t be ruining my Christmas by visiting in December. I would cancel that visit.

Sorry cushion** not lounger

Yeah I don't even know what to say!! DH is used to it all I guess so doesnt notice these things as much or turns a blind eye. I'm not in the position at the moment where I feel I can go NC without causing issues with DH. Nature will run its course. The less inviting it is for them to visit, the less they will. It will just have to happen over a period of time.

A sun lounger cushion, come on your husband let that happen? That is insane, how dare they treat your son like a fuckin leper.
Why don't you make them sit on fuckin sun lounger cushions on the floor and tell them it's because of their arse germs getting on your good seats next time they bestow a regal visit on you. Absolute pack of bastards they are.

My heart goes out to you and I know your husband needs to work out how despicable his parents treatment of your child is, but he needs to picks your son up and leave when they are showing your son how utterly gross they view him and his presence. I am so sorry they are so hideous to an innocent child like this.

I would never let my child see them, the damage they would cause to his self worth is absolutely crushing and I wouldn't risk his confidence.

You only have to spend a few mins on here to know that many women appear to only want their parents involved in their lives after having kids. Because you have married their son, you are second best to their daughter.

@cees I love your way with words!!!!