Grandparents have dumped my son in favour of new grandchild

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Hi all,

First ever post here so go easy on me!! Apologies if I have posted in wrong area. I'll try not to make this an essay. Just wanted some advice on next course of action.

So my husband & I have been together 15 years & we have a 3 yr old boy. We moved to the same town as PIL's to be nearer when we started a family. Up til December, they have been very involved in DS's life & had him every Monday & then he went to nursery the other 4 days as we both work. They were more than happy to do it & we did not force the issue as we never wanted him to be a burden.

Anyhow, they have a daughter who is 2 yrs younger than OH. She became pregnant & was due end of Jan. She has always been a bit of a Mummy's girl & they are close but no issue with that at all as I get mums and daughters often have a special bond & I am the DIL. I hasten to add I have always involved her & treated her like my own Mum.

Anyway she said in January, she didn't want to commit to having our son on Mondays as she wanted to be available for the daughter if needed.
We just swallowed it & said fine fair enough no problem. This then carried on into Feb way after the baby had been born & every Monday she kept letting us down at the last minute with varying excuses. She actually went completely NC with us & DS for 7 weeks in this time & didn't so much as pop over for a cuppa. Just nothing.

More often than not, the nursery couldn't take him at last minute meaning OH & I have been using a lot of annual leave to cover. Her main excuse is that she is paranoid that our son might have germs & she doesn't want to get sick if she is seeing the other baby girl. Utterly bizarre.

Anyway, we decided enough was enough & got our son booked in full time wef June. There was no point doing it earlier as we are on hol in May & with bank holidays there would only be 1 Monday in May to cover.

We said we don't want DS to be a burden (in a nice way) so we have now arranged full time nursery. Could you please however do 2 more Mondays - 29 Apr & 20 May that's it. She said she would.

My OH then gets a text today saying sorry I can't have DS on Monday. No reason given. Nursery can't have him so I've got to take another day off. At this point, I am raging (!) but call the nursery & ensure 20 May booked in with them as she will inevitably let us down again for that one.

So as at now, she is not having him any more. Me & OH both agree this for the best as MIL being so flaky. However, when I text her to say we have made alternative arrangements for 20 MAy as we can tell you dont want to have him any more, she replied with a thumbs up!!

No apology, no sorry to mess you about for 4 months continually nothing.

If she had just said pre new baby, I can't commit to having him any more, fine, but she hasn't she's just let us down at every opportunity.

In addition to that, she is keeping our DS away from his new cousin as she doesn't want him near her. I find this quite unnerving TBH & when I met the baby for the first time last week, she insisted on having our son. This is the only time she has insisted on it as she is clearly desperate to keep him away from her. I've no idea if this is some kind of germ thing or what, but her behaviour is getting increasingly erratic & I'm about to blow my lid.

On top of all that, she had secretly decided to sell the house & move to the town where the daughter lives (65 miles away). Not only did the daughter & SIL know, his parents knew & his mother let the cat out of the bag at the baby shower. MIL then gestured her to sssshhh as she hadn't told us at that point. At the time, I thought the conversation was very odd.

They then told us 3 weeks after it had gone on the market they were selling up to be near the daughter. To say I'm gutted is an understatement & I've shed a lot of tears over this. They've completely abandoned both us & DS & I never, ever expected this from them.

Anyone experienced this & what advice can you give? Seriously considering going NC now. Just to reiterate, I dont care about the Mondays, we can afford FT childcare it was more about them being part of DS's life. They've just dropped him, almost like a switch has been flicked & I am disgusted, angry, bitter, upset & all those things.

IF YOU GOT TO THE END WELL DONE :)

Sad but they are such a negative influence you will all be better off without them. I'm all for going NC with toxic family members. Life's too short.

That's so sad, OP. Have they actually moved or are about to? Are they going to say a proper goodbye to you and your DS???

I would go NC op. They bring nothing to your life but hurt at this point. You deserve better and you shouldn’t use any more of your mental energy and headspace to think about them.

My Mil also favours her daughter and daughter’s child. Ours were born first but she has never made much effort. She went to the other side if the country for SIL’s child’s birthday party, (she was two, so too young to even notice) , yet she refused to come to our dds birthday party, even though we are less than half the distance away.
I don’t understand it at all. We have two lovely dc, but she makes the absolute minimum of effort. She does occasionally pay for something, eg a school trip, which I am grateful for obviously, but she makes no effort to spend time with them, or help in any other way.

My own Mum was as involved as she could be with my brother’s child, and with mine once I had them, although by then she was ill and frail. She would never have favoured one over another.

Make the next move be about you, moving house or whatever. I was sorry to read about this. My own grandmother dumped me , I suspect mental health issues were to blame.

"We're thinking of moving nearer to my family now tbh."

Sounds like a plan.

Why did you move away?

We're thinking of moving nearer to my family now tbh. Nothing keeping us here.

And I bet she gets jealous when you do that, because you’re supposed to be grateful for the scraps from her table. If it is going to benefit your family then move. Then put a lovely big message on Facebook saying how excited your son is to be moving close to his grandma. But I’m a fucker. 😁

SHEs jealous that the other grandparents will get the new baby more and have a stronger bond.

Ditch her.

Next time she insists on have your son, to keep him away from the baby, be blunt “ your too much of a stranger now sorry”

Does SIL worry about germs? It seems you MIL doesn't want you all to have relationships that don't go through her. Does SIL want a relationship with you all and perhaps MIL is telling her things that aren't true? to keep you apart. ie that your son had a cold sore for example. or is she of the same mindset. Regardless, they sound toxic and you should look after your family and don't look back!

We had this too from my DM with my DS. When he was about a year she lost interest because my Dsis was pregnant. And from that point on it was all about Dsis's pregnancy/birth/ babies and she never asked about DS. My house is an hour away from her and is too far to visit, Yet Dsis lives 5 hours away and if she so much as hints that she wants babysitting DM is in the car on her way to her before she's hung up the phone.

I let her get on with it, though it did hurt. If I'm honest though I can see that was just an extension of how she treated us in our childhoods now being applied to our respective children.

Now all of a sudden she's asking after him, even offering to babysit for the first time in his life, but I think that's just her smarting that at almost 8 he prefers to stay home with his dad when I visit her, and while she cant be arsed with him, she doesn't like it one bit when the shoe is on the other foot.

I realise now that my relationship with DM will not change. I'm her scapegoat and always will be so when you have no expectation on that front, it hurts far less. Occasionally I play narc bingo to help me through the tougher times.

My own DPs did this to me. It was a slow realisation so it got to breaking point before I cracked. I kept trying to make things right.

I used to record the DCs school events and little moments of musicianship and dance that they never went to so they could see, but they were just using the recordings as entertainment for the important DGC. Never a word to the DC about it other than to say how much the cousins liked it and wanted to do that when they were big.

So I stopped and just enjoyed seeing my own children in the moment without the hassle of trying to record.

I'm so sad for you reading this whole thread. It sounds awful for you, DH, and for your poor son. The whole business with the germs is beyond weird....and it must add more hurt than just the lack of love as they are implying he is almost contaminated, and more so than a fucking swimming pool full of strangers?! He sounds like an awesome little boy and hopefully is continuing to thrive at nursery like in your post earlier this year. I only wish you could get over the pain somehow. It just sucks to read this bad behaviour is putting you off from having another child....I'm furious to think they could....almost win (?)...like that; doesn't seem right. I really, really hope that time will lessen this pain and rejection for you.

Yes mine were born first dd as the first granddaughter and they never bothered that much tbh we assumed it was because they were still working. It really become evident when sil got pregnant I was pregnant with ds at the same time and was further along. All of a sudden she was buying stuff for her house a pushchair, travel cot etc none of these were for ds though but for sil child. She even had bottles and toys there. Mil doesn't even have many photos of ds on display but has some of dd has loads of the other grandchildren. Now other sil has had a baby shes the new favourite and all on social media its pictures of the baby none of the other grandchildren. Poor ds gets it the worse hes only 3 and they didnt bother to see him on his birthday handing gifts over to sil or dh. But making more effort for the girls. My own df was taken I'll and didnt think he would make it yet she didnt step in and help with the dc so I could be with my dad my auntie ended up helping and my db wife.

Its angers me and dh agrees but it's still his parent no matter how shitty they are. I keep my distance and if he wants to take the kids round when I'm at work that's fine but I don't go out of my way.

My mil also got threatened by sils mil as she had no dds.

Its had a huge effect on me as I don't want a 2nd child for exactly this reason.

Don't let this dictate your life choices. If you do have a second child, they will have very loving parents, and grandparents on your side - which is more than many children have. Just be grateful to have these batshit people out of your life.

I am so sad to read how you don't appreciate your MIL help with your son at all.
She was there for you for 3 years with no complaints. Wasn't she?

Now her own daughter has a baby so its fair to say; its her turn.
Your MIL wants to give them three years of support like you got. Isn't that fair?
Why you think her daughter and her baby should not have the same courtesy you and your son got for three years?

@annaminna why does it have to be either/or with the GM? Why cant it be both?

You dont "take turns", they arent at a playground. She may end up with even more grandchildren, will she then drop her daughter's dd for the new one - "you've had your turn, now it is baby's turn"

@Annaminna are you MIL?

We had similar when SIL had her DC. PIL only available to help us as long as SIL was sorted, booking their holidays around hers so she would have childcare cover, my nephews having more spent on them for Xmas and birthdays, they think I haven't noticed this over the years but I have. FIL once even called my nephews "ours!"
Very hurtful.

Odd comment. Surely they can make time for both grandkids no? Rather than just cut one off after building a relationship? Would have been better if they'd not bothered at all.

If the birth orders were reversed, she wouldn't have done that to her daughter would she?

In answer to a previous poster, I didnt move away from my parents. They relocated when I started uni a long time ago. I stayed in the same area.

@Annaminna have you read the whole thread? They moved without even telling them! Constantly let them down at the last minute and completely dropped the son. It is extremely weird and hurtful behaviour. They’ve made the son out to be some sort of plague ridden nuisance. Their behaviour is not normal. OP move to be closer to your family. Drop these weirdos. Don’t let them out you off having another child. If you have a daughter don’t let them try and worm their way back in. Their behaviour is utterly disgraceful. Do nothing with or for them. No presents or contact. At some point that child will grow up and move away and then what? If it was me I’d delete them off all social media. Oh and don’t tell them you are moving either. See how they like it. When they ask why you didn’t tell them say “sorry thought that’s the way we did it in this family, secretive. Like you did” fucking arseholes. Build up your life without them. Post an update on here when they see the light and you get your revenge please.

Your MIL wants to give them three years of support like you got. Isn't that fair?

Where do you get that from, @Annaminna? Do you imagine that it three years' time she's going to cut her granddaughter out of her life and move back to concentrate on her grandson? Surely going to all that trouble and expense to move away from OP's family and within three minutes of her daughter's family indicates that she plans on giving them a lifetime of support?

And on what planet could that justify cutting an innocent little boy out of her life?