Grandparents have dumped my son in favour of new grandchild

[CL240]

Hi all,

First ever post here so go easy on me!! Apologies if I have posted in wrong area. I'll try not to make this an essay. Just wanted some advice on next course of action.

So my husband & I have been together 15 years & we have a 3 yr old boy. We moved to the same town as PIL's to be nearer when we started a family. Up til December, they have been very involved in DS's life & had him every Monday & then he went to nursery the other 4 days as we both work. They were more than happy to do it & we did not force the issue as we never wanted him to be a burden.

Anyhow, they have a daughter who is 2 yrs younger than OH. She became pregnant & was due end of Jan. She has always been a bit of a Mummy's girl & they are close but no issue with that at all as I get mums and daughters often have a special bond & I am the DIL. I hasten to add I have always involved her & treated her like my own Mum.

Anyway she said in January, she didn't want to commit to having our son on Mondays as she wanted to be available for the daughter if needed.
We just swallowed it & said fine fair enough no problem. This then carried on into Feb way after the baby had been born & every Monday she kept letting us down at the last minute with varying excuses. She actually went completely NC with us & DS for 7 weeks in this time & didn't so much as pop over for a cuppa. Just nothing.

More often than not, the nursery couldn't take him at last minute meaning OH & I have been using a lot of annual leave to cover. Her main excuse is that she is paranoid that our son might have germs & she doesn't want to get sick if she is seeing the other baby girl. Utterly bizarre.

Anyway, we decided enough was enough & got our son booked in full time wef June. There was no point doing it earlier as we are on hol in May & with bank holidays there would only be 1 Monday in May to cover.

We said we don't want DS to be a burden (in a nice way) so we have now arranged full time nursery. Could you please however do 2 more Mondays - 29 Apr & 20 May that's it. She said she would.

My OH then gets a text today saying sorry I can't have DS on Monday. No reason given. Nursery can't have him so I've got to take another day off. At this point, I am raging (!) but call the nursery & ensure 20 May booked in with them as she will inevitably let us down again for that one.

So as at now, she is not having him any more. Me & OH both agree this for the best as MIL being so flaky. However, when I text her to say we have made alternative arrangements for 20 MAy as we can tell you dont want to have him any more, she replied with a thumbs up!!

No apology, no sorry to mess you about for 4 months continually nothing.

If she had just said pre new baby, I can't commit to having him any more, fine, but she hasn't she's just let us down at every opportunity.

In addition to that, she is keeping our DS away from his new cousin as she doesn't want him near her. I find this quite unnerving TBH & when I met the baby for the first time last week, she insisted on having our son. This is the only time she has insisted on it as she is clearly desperate to keep him away from her. I've no idea if this is some kind of germ thing or what, but her behaviour is getting increasingly erratic & I'm about to blow my lid.

On top of all that, she had secretly decided to sell the house & move to the town where the daughter lives (65 miles away). Not only did the daughter & SIL know, his parents knew & his mother let the cat out of the bag at the baby shower. MIL then gestured her to sssshhh as she hadn't told us at that point. At the time, I thought the conversation was very odd.

They then told us 3 weeks after it had gone on the market they were selling up to be near the daughter. To say I'm gutted is an understatement & I've shed a lot of tears over this. They've completely abandoned both us & DS & I never, ever expected this from them.

Anyone experienced this & what advice can you give? Seriously considering going NC now. Just to reiterate, I dont care about the Mondays, we can afford FT childcare it was more about them being part of DS's life. They've just dropped him, almost like a switch has been flicked & I am disgusted, angry, bitter, upset & all those things.

IF YOU GOT TO THE END WELL DONE :)

I don't have any social media so that helps! I've already told DH do not ask me to visit them this year as it categorically will not be happening. If they want to see us, they can do the running. I used to do all the xmas birthday presents cards etc. That won't be happening either. As someone else said on here a few months ago his circus, his monkeys. I am completely removing myself from it all so I can forget about the lot of them.

You poor thing. I've been there, done that and got the t- shirt. My MIL announced once SIL was pregnant and DS was 2, that she was going to be a proper granny. They were properly hideous, I'd be embarrassed to tell of the abuse DS and I put up with. SIL was the Golden Child and played up to it.
DH seemed trapped in the whole idea that you just let them treat him and his family badly. I ended up going no contact. I didn't stop DH or DS seeing them but I wouldn't. I stepped away.
Things I learned-
they will not change, they will not suddenly love you or your child, they think you're difficult anyway so keeping your tongue and saying nothing gets you nowhere but feeling rubbish.
Your DH is letting you both down if he doesn't stand up for you. You need to point this out. He's upset for himself but he is a sentient human being and needs to see that his inaction is enabling them and he should be angry for you and your DC..
If SIL gets bored of them, or they cause trouble, or the baby gets older and she doesn't need them, they will try to come running back to you. So them moving away is a good thing.
I suspect the germ thing is a load of old cobblers they have decided on just to keep your DS away. How is your DH not so angry that they are basically saying his DC is too smelly and germ ridden to see his niece. NC would be best but you can't insist on it. You can insist he doesn't talk about them or mention them at all to you.
You need to take control of whatever bit of this you can. Good luck.

As far as the 'germs'/minimal contact by SiL, MiL may be dripping poison in her ear about you &/or your DH. If she wants SiL & baby 'all to herself' she could be telling her all sorts of nasty lies about things you've not said about her &/or the baby or about how 'jealous' you are and that you 'don't want' her seeing the new baby.

I second the thought of moving closer to your parents. Eventually your DH will fully realize the truth about his mother and it would be nice for him to have formed a closer relationship with your parents in the meantime.

Your PIL's behaviour is appalling, but something that sadly seems more commonplace that I could have believed.

This golden child syndrome is so destructive and particularly insidious as it ripples down the generations unless you're prepared to simply stop engaging.

In your position I absolutely would move to be closer to your family. It would be good for all of you to enjoy the support, warmth and love that a normal parent/grandparent relationship should be. I'd also be tempted as a pp has said not to even tell them until you've done it or maybe not at all, because frankly I'd just wash my hands of them and keep my child away from their toxic attitudes.

My pil are the same. They visited my 2 dc’s regularly when they were growing up (now 15 and 12). As soon as sil had children (both unplanned and with a useless ex partner) mine were dropped. They never did childcare as I was home, but they promised my 2 that they would take them away in their caravan - haven’t done this but openly brag about holidays with the other gc. It’s now coming up to a year since we last saw them. They have ignored us completely and for no reason. It’s their loss and one day they will realise this.

*@DontCallMeDaisy

@Annaminna are you MIL?*

Or SIL golden child

Also - I used to do all the presents and cards. Not done any this year - I reminded DH when it was near birthdays and said it was up to him. So he hasn’t done them! Funnily enough DH and dc’s have still had cards from them for birthdays - I had nothing.

@CL240 I just wanted to say that reading this thread has really helped me. My SIL has always been the golden child. PIL pander to her every whim. I have been with my other half for over 10 years and for the first few years I thought there was something about me they didn't approve of as they treated their 2 children so differently. They moved abroad when my OH was 18. When they moved back they said they initially chose a town to live which was midway between both children. Next thing we know they moved round the corner from their daughter and we only see them a couple of times a year. When we got engaged we were told not to make a fuss as SIL was older and her partner hadn't proposed yet. They gave their SIL 35 grand towards her first house purchase and when we went for her house warming PIL noted 'just so you know we unfortunately can't do the same for you'. They also paid 5 grand for her wedding dress and our wedding gift...a mini chopper!

Giving her all this money doesn't actually bother me anymore but it irritates me that they constantly refer us as lucky 'because we have a low mortgage/fewer bills'. The fact of the matter is my OH is a student and I work for a charity but we choose to live within our means. Their daughter who is referred to as unlucky is earning a fortune and her yearly bonus is equivalent the cost of a posh car. However she chooses to spend loads on eating out at the shard and has a high mortgage for a massive house with cinema, gym etc. I want to scream when they say 'it's so hard for her she has so many outgoings'. There are a million examples of them comparing me unfavourably to their daughter eg suggestion I get a 'proper job' so we can buy a 'proper family house'.

Sorry for the rant. My point is both I and SIL are due babies in April. Already there has been no acknowledgement of our pregnancy and I imagine their child will be doted upon whereas ours won't get a look in. It makes me sad and angry and I hope my child never blames themself (like I did for many years). Reading your expperience has helped me prepare mentally and I'm grateful for that. I wish you, your OH and your little one all the best.

@pastnowfuture you are in for a bumpy ride. As with your case, they have always helped the daughter more financially because she needs it...they earn more than we do. Best to expect nothing! Wish we would all go NC but DH will never do that

SIL got £10k for her house deposit. DH got nothing. SIL got all her wedding paid for, PIL contribution to ours was nil. DH always "lands on his feet" apparently. He has done well because he re-sat professional exams three times whilst SIL had cycling holidays round New Zealand. SIL once even forgot to bring DS a present to his family birthday gathering, and MIL desperately covering said "well you don't want to get all your presents on the same day do you?" He was seven!
It seems this thread is cathartic for a few people. I would step back OP. Don't become bitter like us

I can't believe a mother would treat her child and grandchild so badly. That's absolutely unforgivable OP. Your DH must be so hurt by it all. I think them moving away from you might be the best thing though

Your MIL obviously has a closer relationship with her daughter than with your DH and the minute she had a baby she has moved and wants to be beside her. She must have known that your DH would be upset which explains all the hiding. Horrible thing to do. She is still your DH's mother though so I don't think it is a good idea to be complaining about her/refusing to go visit etc. I think these decisions should be made by your DH and based on what you have stated, your DH is in the "making excuses" phase. Your DS must be very upset as will your DH though deep down. I think you need to be sensitive around your DH and not keep pushing your thoughts or towing the line, setting out what you will and will not be doing regarding visiting them. Let the dust settle. He will have gotten an awful shock and the rejection will be hurting him.

I think if dh isn't prepared to go NC you should keep your child away as much as possible. Tell dh your child will pick up the favouritism if he doesn't and you aren't prepared to let your child suffer, because he is such a mummy's boy himself.
I'd be telling him I didn't want to hear about them too, whatever they do isn't your problem or concern.

There are so many horrible people that don’t deserve the honour of being grandparents. Honestly, they should be ashamed of their behaviour and the ‘mother is always closer to the daughter’ is a liar if crap when it comes to the poor GC. My wonderful mil had loads of GC (10 kids so you can imagine the number of GC!) She made time for them all and adored them all, even my DH and my children who were not our birth children were treated the same. She never treated our kids any differently. Shane I’m any gp treating children differently and shame on anyone making excuses for them.

you aren't prepared to let your child suffer, because he is such a mummy's boy himself.

The sad thing is, he sounds very far from being a mummy’s boy and sounds more like an adult that hasn’t been shown the proper love from a parent and that’s why he’s so desperate to make excuses for her. He’s desperate for the crumbs from the table.

He's just said i suppose we should get them a new home card. I replied well you can if you want, I won't be buying it!

Hell would freeze over before either my DH or I would have any contact with anyone who treated our son like this. They are vile. Your son isn't allowed in his aunts house? Fuck that.

The reason it's still hurting is because it's still ongoing. You and your child are still being utterly disrespected. It won't get any easier until you close that door for good. I had to do it with my family. It hurt, I grieved, then I got over it.

Yes fancy vagina (good name) he is desperate to get whatever crumbs he can.. So sad. Dread to think of the dynamic once his sister was born. He is becoming his own man though little by little. And he did agree about not taking our son to the christening. And did confront their behaviour. He always takes the path of least resistance though. His view is infant change them so I might as well be grateful.for any attention I do get.

Poor man. It needs to be his decision to step away and I think he will, in time. Don’t try to push him as it will cause issues if anything ever happens to his nasty excuse for a mother. Tell him you are happy for him to keep in touch with her, if that’s what he wants, but tell him that for the sake of his son (make your you say “your son” as in his) you need to step back. By saying “your” son it brings it home to him that he is responsible for the happiness of his child and not his mother. I know it sounds odd, but the odd change of terminology can make a massive difference to someone’s thoughts.

Talk to him about how lucky you both are to have your wonderful son and how you can both make sure he will always know he is loved. In time he will realise that he will find more happiness in his little family unit than he ever found with his dysfunctional and cruel mother.

He’s desperate for the crumbs from the table.

I know that feeling. My DF has not send PFB grandchild a card since DM died, including his 18th. I just thought that it was a bad time. There is always a 'reason'. DH says I do not stand up for my DC enough. He is a much loved only and has no idea that it is like turning the Titanic.

Being good doesn't get you any more than crumbs, stamping your feet gets you fewer. Trying to point out things from your point of view makes you difficult - you have always been difficult.

It is best to concentrate on what you can do, which is look after your own family.

I would go on holiday while they faff about with the housemove and enjoy yourselves and get some sun. Last minute to Tenerife.

I don't understand parents who don't treat chilldren equally. I would equally refuse all childcare simply because I work full time so no one would expect that of me and I had to pay for my own ful time childcare when I worked and had babies but in terms of money etc I would always give all the children the same.

I don't tihnk it is nice though to boycott the christening. Ify ou cannot bear to go can't your husband take your child just for the sake of family relations?

Just read the whole thread and as a GM myself I cannot imagine myself acting as your MIL has towards your DH and you and your DS. All I can say is that maybe there are reasons why your DH has suffered with his MH and if his mother favoured his sister then this may be why. I think you are doing the right thing by stepping back and going LC or NC and just build your life without them as many without active GP do. It is a shame but some folk are just manipulative and cannot seem to form healthy relationships. Just concentrate on your DH and DS and maybe you will be able to find more time for your DM or maybe move nearer to her in time. It sounds like you have good friends and I am sure your DC will not suffer. Better no relationship with GPs than a bad one.

@xenia Have you not read the thread? They went to the christening ages ago without their DS.

We didn't boycott the christening. Me and DH went and played nice. We got my Mum to look after DS. They didnt want to see DS up til then but obviously at the christening, they need to present the perfect family image and pretend they dote on him.to look good to everyone else. We weren't prepared to give them that opportunity. We didn't make a big deal just said my Mum was having him. At the christening we talked to everyone, took lots of photos of it all sent them to the family etc. I wasnt giving them the chance to say we ruined it. Frankly I deserved an oscar.

OP dont allow what is a bad grandparent relationship to stop how many children you have Have a only if thats what you want not because you worry about future grandchildren..

My darling MIL passed away last year. She had 8 grandchildren 2 from her dd 6 from her ds' you would never know who was who she adored them all and thought they were amazing. We miss her daily I know her other grandchildren feel the same way she was just grandma and adored all her grandchildren from her dd or from her ds.

It can work that well too and you will likely be just that sort of grandma due to this.