Which man out of the two would you choose?

[Jayde87]

1. man number one:- intense sexual chemistry with him. He is 2.5 years older than me. Junior doctor earning around £35,000-40,000. Highly intelligent. Tall. Good looking. He asks me to go back to his place for drinks. We had a make-out session the other night. kissing etc. He was pretty passionate. He called me sexy and beautiful. Seems to like beer a bit too much though (drinks a pint nearly every day and asks me to drink as well). Not sure if I trust him completely with other women because he is so good at seducing me, but i could be v wrong. He has had 5 girlfriends and a few other relationships. Known him for a month so all very new. Not really sure of his personality but he seems very outgoing and likes to party.
2. Man number 2. Known for a year. Had same sort of chemistry as number 1 but this has died down. 11 years older than me. Not as attractive as 1 but is mature, kind, great listener, serious, very intelligent and would make a great supportive husband. Not got loads in common due to age gap but we have some hobbies in common. Never had a girlfriend due to not finding anyone he would like to date. He is quiet and has a few close friends. Doesn’t like to drink or party.

I see 2 as the best bet, with the exceptions of a. Sex life (if you tackle the lack of oral on you and the general need for him to help you orgasm, do you think it's fixable?) And b. The fact he doesn't make you laugh and had a different sense of humour.

That's pretty uuugh - unless you accept you laugh with friends and are ok with that. It can be hard going though, not being able to laugh with a partner.

*has

You are too young to be caught in a dilemma like this. Have fun with number 1 .

You aren't into number 2 and he is too old and there are red flags with his lack of relationships.

Just seen that numbe 2 never made you laugh and you only do small talk.

Wtf is he even in consideration. I think you need to have some therapy !

Lol at "does he leave the last few mouthfuls?" 🤣

NUMBER ONE!!!

I lost the will to live just reading the descriptions. They don't exactly set the world alight I'm afraid. Is that the best you can do?!

I can't accept that whichever is the majority choice you're actually going to base a future relationship on the choice of a bunch of internet saddos like us

OP

I think there is a deeper question beyond these two men, you are not sure what sort of man to marry and whether chemistry or logic to follow. Your actual question I think maybe: "Mumsnetter: shall I choose a charming or a boring man for a husband?"

You find yourself attracted to outgoing, good looking, life of the party type of men but your head (and your parents) tells you that is not a safe option to take. In this specific choice, I don't think no. 2 is a safe option (a 43 y old high earner who still lives with his parents? I know it may be a culture thing but still...). More importantly you can't even have a decent conversation with him! As for no. 1, I think you don't have enough information yet to decide and the chemistry & spark flying around make it even more difficult for you to see the real him.

Interestingly though, you mentioned you had similar chemistry with no. 2 too at the start but it has now died down? so do you think that might happens also with no. 1 sooner or later?

I think you will need to work out first in your head, what sort of man you want, then meet and date, and study different type of personalities so to allow you make a better and well informed decision.

It is not given that the partying type will not be supportive/help with housework. The boring one may also choose to glue himself to his phone/laptop every evening and ignore you and the babies. It may be worth to take a closer look of the real them, beyond the surface and ignore those whistles & bells.

I love your advice Smurfette. You put what I’m thinking so eloquently. Definitely charming versus safe and boring!

I had the chemistry with the 43 year old in the beginning but it could all be in my head.... I asked him if he ever felt butterflies with me and he said no as he was too old for that. In the beginning, I felt really frustrated with his lack of conversation and also he did a lot of things that seemed inconsiderate to me. He has improved immensely over the year however. He didn’t kiss me until we had 10 dates!

With number 1 the chemistry is from both of us as he is the one pursuing me and I am pretty good at detecting interest from a mile away! He kept approaching me to chat and also kept asking me out for dinner etc. And he made the first move on me with the kissing.