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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Which man out of the two would you choose?

159 replies

Jayde87 · 24/04/2019 20:52

  1. man number one:- intense sexual chemistry with him. He is 2.5 years older than me. Junior doctor earning around £35,000-40,000. Highly intelligent. Tall. Good looking. He asks me to go back to his place for drinks. We had a make-out session the other night. kissing etc. He was pretty passionate. He called me sexy and beautiful. Seems to like beer a bit too much though (drinks a pint nearly every day and asks me to drink as well). Not sure if I trust him completely with other women because he is so good at seducing me, but i could be v wrong. He has had 5 girlfriends and a few other relationships. Known him for a month so all very new. Not really sure of his personality but he seems very outgoing and likes to party.
  2. Man number 2. Known for a year. Had same sort of chemistry as number 1 but this has died down. 11 years older than me. Not as attractive as 1 but is mature, kind, great listener, serious, very intelligent and would make a great supportive husband. Not got loads in common due to age gap but we have some hobbies in common. Never had a girlfriend due to not finding anyone he would like to date. He is quiet and has a few close friends. Doesn’t like to drink or party.
OP posts:
SalitaeDiscesa · 25/04/2019 08:10

Agree, older man with no relationship could be a red flag. Is he competent at life? Have you seen his house? Does he have friends, does he talk to his neighbours?

SalitaeDiscesa · 25/04/2019 08:17

Actually, just seen your follow-up. Just no.

MashedSpud · 25/04/2019 08:19

Neither.

If they were the last two men on earth I’d have to choose #1 because #2 is crap sexually.

Gazelda · 25/04/2019 08:19

So you're wanting to make a decision about which to choose as a potential life partner.

You don't seem to trust 1.

You find 2 boring. Wealthy. A father figure. Not open enough to talk about him satisfying you sexually. You don't see him as an equal.

I'd bin 2. I'd give 1 a chance, but on a casual basis while you keep looking for Mr Right.

Dvg · 25/04/2019 08:23

1st guy for passionate sex and not getting too involved type relationship
2nd guy for marriage if i HAD too but really i think 2nd guy would be a better partner where as the first would be a better .. fling or friends with benefit orrrr short term just for fun boyfriend type person

Marylou2 · 25/04/2019 08:25

Definitely #2. Believe me when you’re 40 with a career and a couple of kids you’ll be pleased to have a stable, wealthy husband who you can be pretty sure isn’t cheating on you. He listens, cares and will probably be a good partner and father. Quick shag with #1 first though...

ItsAGo · 25/04/2019 08:36

#1
Who gives a fuck who your parents want you to date? You’re the one having sex not them.

Lottie35 · 25/04/2019 08:40

Is this a joke?

notangelinajolie · 25/04/2019 08:40

I would run a mile from a man like number 1. Number 2 wins for me.

TargaryenBean · 25/04/2019 08:41

Number 1

ittakes2 · 25/04/2019 08:54

Neither because if you are not sure than you are just jumping into a relationship without really being into them. And if you do this you stop yourself being available to date someone you are crazy for.

Shelbybear · 25/04/2019 08:58

Number 1. Might not work out but worth taking a risk. Get to know him more and see how it goes.

I think you'll get bored worth number 2 quickly. He's already frustrating you in conversation and in bed too!

Jayde87 · 25/04/2019 09:25

Mixed bag of responses!
The 43 year old hasn’t bought a house before. At the moment he is living with his parents as rent is expensive. As far as I’m aware he doesn’t have any friends locally and doesn’t know the neighbours. Sex is okay but he lasts only 30 seconds without a condom. When he is done then we just go for a shower separately and that’s it!

The first one might be good but my brain is telling me not to rely on sexual chemistry. We did fancy each other was soon as we laid eyes on each other though. We see each other few times a week through a hobby and he seems to always come up to me. He’s asked me to go out with him for dinner and drinks about 5 times this month and he texts me almost every day.

My mum is adamant that I date the second guy because she thinks he will look after me (like a kid). She thinks it is awesome that he is mature and not a player. She isn’t supportive of me dating around. She said if I did date around I would be ‘loose’, ‘player’,’you’re just in it for the sex’, and warns me that ‘they’ll cheat on you’. Just for the record I’ve only had 3 long term relationships.

She wants me to take a chance on 2 and marry him. She said that marriage is a gamble. Try it out for a few years. If it doesn’t work just get divorced. I’m getting a bit too old not to be married.

Trying not to listen to her advice! That sounds why I am here!! I do find dating apps daunting though and don’t wish to use them.

OP posts:
woollyheart · 25/04/2019 09:34

I wouldn't go with #2 because he hasn't lived on his own. This means that he will expect you to take over from his mother, and in a few years you will be complaining that he can't do anything round the house, look after babies etc etc. He sounds fixed in his ways and inconsiderate as a lover.

I'd go with #1. He will be more fun, more open to doing things together, and hopefully, you will set up your future life together in a way that suits you both. You will have great sex. If it goes wrong in future, at least you will have loved each other and had great fun on the journey.

Motheroffeminists · 25/04/2019 09:44

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TakenForSlanted · 25/04/2019 11:22

Agree, older man with no relationship could be a red flag.

At 43? Definitely, yes! That would scare the living daylight out of me. Even the terminally socially awkward would have managed a relationship or two in that time ask me, I'm an expert.

ahtellthee · 25/04/2019 12:18

I'd go with #1. Have some fun.

I had a boyfriend who sounds like #2. He was great on paper, but after 6 months I was so desperate for him to do things, like go out for a pint. He became clingy, I became bored and suffocated.

A year later I met a funny man, everything was easy and we married within a year. 17 years and four kids later, life is great!

ahtellthee · 25/04/2019 12:18

Oops, pressed send too soon.

Follow your gut.

You know what you want

Travelban · 25/04/2019 15:07

I was going to say number 2 until your update on him living with his parents... Instant turnoff at his age. Surely on a salary of 150k he could afford a small apartment at 43.

Whst does he do with his money I wonder? It would worry me that he is not used to sharing finances, house chores and his space.

I would go for number 1,he might surprise you. Keep your options open too!!

LMBoston · 25/04/2019 15:20

😂 I get it @HeronLanyan — number 1 is all veneer, number 2 is nowhere on the scale (...and polish)

Loopytiles · 25/04/2019 16:57

Jeez, avoid no 2, raise your bar and stop discussing your relationships with your mother!

Loopytiles · 25/04/2019 16:58

no 2 is not even great on paper, numerous red flags!

Fromablokespoint · 25/04/2019 17:06

Why is number 1 a player? Sounds like a very normal guy to me.

Why are you even bothering seeing #2, he's dull, has no conversation and is a crap shag.

Bottom line for me is neither if you are thinking like this. Lose #2 play with #1.

Miniloso · 25/04/2019 17:09

Definitely do not marry #2!!! You will end up sexually frustrated and bored. Give #1 a go dating but keep looking in the meantime in case he’s not the one.

canveyisland · 25/04/2019 17:20

Number 1 is a party boy and number 2 is not that into you.
Back to square one, lucky you Grin

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