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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The next stage of my life WILL be better...

998 replies

Dumbledior · 15/07/2007 19:49

New thread for me to moan...

OP posts:

sallysparrow · 04/08/2007 18:09

Dior, this is quite worrying reading! How much weight do you need to lose before you turn him on? When youre a 14 will he say when youre a 12....

If you lose weight sensobly with a view to it being long term, it could take a year or more! Just how long is he prepared to wait without sex? And why? I find this attitude bizarre. its one thing to happily go without sex while you recover from childbirth, or an operation or something, but this could go on forever!

As for the counselling - well it did sound quite one-sided - but was that because he counsellor was trying to challenge H to come out with something that could have triggered real change, eg Im impotent but preferred to blame you?

When P and I tried relationship counselling years ago, it worked then, but only because she dug so hard that eventually he came to terms with the fact that he (P) was depressed, and probably had been for years. That realisation made a big difference to our lives, and without that we would never have gone on the have DD.

Youre really in a hard place now, arent you. Whatever you say H is going to find some excuse.

A thought - perhaps its not about either of you changing - its about both of you being able to live with the people you are now. And maybe he just cant do that.

Turquoise · 04/08/2007 18:31

I was thinking about you as I was driving to the beach today [wierdy stalker that I am].

I was wrong to say the crux is that his love is conditional on your size - it's all about control and if he wasn't focusing on your size it would be something else. He needs to see a psychodynamic counsellor to work out the issues that make him so insecure about himself that he has to try and control you.

Interesting that you were relieved though - just because of the fear of the unknown and being alone do you think? Or more than that?

fawkeoff · 04/08/2007 19:20

yeah i totally agre with turquoise if it wasnt the weight it would be another thing to put u down with.the fact of the matter is this man knows ur insecurities and uses them against you.Would u not rather be on your own than spend a lifetime with man that does nothing but belittle you and want to be in control of you.

kipperthedog · 04/08/2007 21:34

Dior, sorry things crap. All kicked off here, the inevitable has happened. Will try and catch up tomorrow eve if you are on MSN. x

Dior · 05/08/2007 10:55

Message withdrawn

Dior · 05/08/2007 10:57

Message withdrawn

Girly · 05/08/2007 11:16

Dior, do you actually love your husband? I ask this because in the end love is what makes a marraige work, love, respect, forgiveness, accepting each others points of view and ultimatley sex.

I know the feeling of fear at going it alone, I put it off for years because I thought I would never be able to cope on my own, but you know what making the decision and telling my ex was the hardest bit, after that all I felt was relief that I could get on with my own life. I have 3 young children and yes it has been hard but not nearly as bad as I thought.

I have been following your thread for a long while now and these last few posts from you have made me see red. He will never be the man you want him to be. You deserve better.

Dior · 05/08/2007 13:33

Message withdrawn

kipperthedog · 05/08/2007 14:27

Hi Dior, you around on mSN? Will be for another 30mins.

kipperthedog · 05/08/2007 14:30

If not don't worry, will catch you soon hopefully, have had my Mum here for the weekend which was a relief. Gone now tho. Hitting reality now, H coming over this afternoon to see dc's and have chat later. Been worst weekend ever If I don't get you on MSN may call you later or tomorrow if you don't mind?
Thinking of you too x

Dior · 05/08/2007 14:55

Message withdrawn

Dior · 05/08/2007 14:58

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lifebeginstoday · 05/08/2007 15:18

Dior, I'm in the middle of a crisis myself...actually I am just coming out the other side of it ...but I just wanted to say that I don't believe it's all about the weight at all. I had had sex with H a grand total of 5 times in almost 4 years, and always at my instigation...he just wasn't interested. I started on a diet in April, and have now lost 3 stone (helped by a healthy dose of stress) and he still didn't even notice me. So, as other posters have said, maybe the weight issue is just something he has latched onto, and if you change that then he'll find something else to 'hide behind'?
I understand totally what you're going through. It's taken me 4 years to pluck up the courage to end my marriage, but I have finally done it. I'll be a single Mum of 3, I'm not working at the mo as my youngest is only 3, and for the first time I am having to take responsibility for bills etc...but I've taken the plunge (and believe me I was st scared to the point of throwing up every single morning for the past few months) but now that H is gone, a quiet peace has descended on the house and I know I'll come through and I'll have a better life for it, as will my children. You CAN do it if you want to, but it'll only happen when you're truly ready. Like I said, it took me 4 years to reach this point!

Dior · 05/08/2007 15:25

Message withdrawn

lifebeginstoday · 05/08/2007 15:32

Dior...he acted as though I didn't mean it. You know...rolling his eyes as if I was throwing my teddies out of the pram. Even when I told him I had seen a solicitor he pretended nothing was happening. I felt completely invalidated, as if my actions were of no consequence. When he received the injunction notice however, then he started. Telling his mates on teh phone that he hoped I would rot in hell etc. But by that stage, although i was still struggling, I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel. I'm 40 next year, and the thought of reaching that milestone living the same unhappy life just filled me with so much horror that I knew I had to see it through.

lou33 · 05/08/2007 16:16

dior, my heart breaks reading this it really does, it brings back a lot of similar memories wrt my exh

i can tell you from experience , living with someone who makes you feel like that and says the things they do to make you feel so bad, is a terrible terrible situation to be in

please dont put yourself through it, HE is the one with the problem not you, and whatever you do to appease him, it will never be enough

Girly · 05/08/2007 16:27

Please take on board what we are all telling you Dior. This will carry on and on for as long as you let it, it wont change until you make it.

lifebeginstoday · 05/08/2007 16:30

I agree with Lou...nothing you do will make it better, as the problem doesn't lie with you in the first place. I can honestly say that I did everything I could to make things better for him...I tried to change, I tried to change the kids, I changed my appearance...when in fact every thing you do is 'feeding' them and giving them even more control and power. men like my H, and maybe yours too, are like vampires...they gain their strength from weakening others...literally suck the life out of them. Know what brought it all home to me? I was trying to explain to my duaghter, who's 12, how a controlling person can grind you into the ground, and she said 'I know Mum...when I think of you like that all I can see is your head just above the sand'. That, from a 12 year old! He nearly buried me completely, and I was quite literally (as my daughter could obviously see) just keeping my head above the ground. But I came to my senses just in time before the 'old me' was lost forever.

fawkeoff · 05/08/2007 16:57

yeah dior bollox to him i say......he really doesnt deserve u.I honestly cannot see how ur going to carry on living the life that he is inflicting upon you.Do u honestly think that u can get passed everything thats happened?????

lifebeginstoday · 05/08/2007 17:14

I had more subtle insults from H...'you look like Dawn French' was one (I personally think she's beautiful but he wasn't on about my face), and also 'let's face it, you'll never be a size 12 will you?' and 'are you sure you should be eating that?' if I dared to put a square of chocolate in my mouth. It's soul destroying isn't it? Makes you feel worthless.

lou33 · 05/08/2007 18:00

lbt your experiences are v like myself wrt my exh

Dior · 05/08/2007 19:07

Message withdrawn

fawkeoff · 05/08/2007 19:12

u just need to do what is going to make YOU happy in the long run,i would'nt even take his feelings into consideration because he never spares yours does he.

Dior · 05/08/2007 19:16

Message withdrawn

fawkeoff · 05/08/2007 19:26

i know what u mean honestly i do.......me and dp split a few years ago for about 6 months......and it scared the living shit out of me being alone.I had never lived alone, i lived with my mum then moved straight in with dp.have u thought about a trial seperation??

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