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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The next stage of my life WILL be better...

998 replies

Dumbledior · 15/07/2007 19:49

New thread for me to moan...

OP posts:

LucyJones · 05/08/2007 19:30

Could you just email him that line or leave a note with it written on if you really can't say it to him?

sallysparrow · 05/08/2007 19:48

Dior, none of us know wheter we will be happier in a different situation. But if youre unhappy now, its got to get better if you take control.

I dont want to be the one to tell you you must leave him, you can only make that decision yourself. Eventually P did it for me, even though I was trying to tell him i wanted to try counselling again.

But TBH I already knew I no longer loved him.

I dont know whats waiting for me, and TBH that terrifies me. I dont want to lurch into another relationship, because Im actually not that conmfortable around a lot of men, and Im too old to hit some sort of dating scene.

DD has got to come first. if I met someone special it might be worth it, but I think Ive got to feel strong enough to be on my own before I could venture out.

maybe Im just being a boring old fart.

Your H has got to start listening to you. Perhaps the support youre getting on here is actually delaying the inevitable - maybe we stop you from blowing your top or whatever, or perhaps it is the ADs doing that.

Whatever, this has to come to a head sooner or later.

Dior · 05/08/2007 19:49

Message withdrawn

Dior · 05/08/2007 19:53

Message withdrawn

lou33 · 05/08/2007 20:21

dior i really understand why you feel like you do

i told my exh for 4 years that him saying i was too fat and didnt do it for him anymore, had hurt me so deeply, and he only acknowledged the damage it had done after we had split, or just before, cant remember the exact date

4 years i stayed tho because i felt the same as you, but you will get to a point that you just cannot live like you are anymore

however long it takes is up to you, but it will happen

sallysparrow · 05/08/2007 20:22

The legal side of things is the biggest sticking point for us atm, because we werent married.

P likes things to go according to rules, and there arent any outside of marriage, just recommendations, and the possibility of lining a lot of other peoples pockets if we go to court.

So we are having to sort it out ourselves.

I suppose i will have a bit to do when his omortgage comes through and I have to take over all the bills etc.

Dior · 05/08/2007 22:28

Message withdrawn

fawkeoff · 06/08/2007 08:49

mornin dior...feeling any better today ? x

Paddlechick666 · 06/08/2007 09:14

dior and ss, i know it's horribly intimidating and fear of the unknown is huge.

but having been in the midst of this for so long now i promise that you'll get thru it and you'll survive.

some days that's all you'll do, but other days (and they get more frequent) you'll have a lightness of being that is wonderful.

there's quite a good book that's been around for a while called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway". Can't remember who wrote it but I read it a few years back and it's got some good stuff in it.

sallysparrow · 06/08/2007 09:36

Thanks, PC. Im sure Ive got that book somewhere - I think it was part of the reading list for the aromatherapy course I did years ago. Ill have a look.

Dior · 06/08/2007 09:57

Message withdrawn

lifebeginstoday · 06/08/2007 10:04

Dior...arrrrgggghhhhhhhhh! This is all so familiar to me. H was exactly the same with me. Even the night before he left we had a long talk, and he cried (I've only seen him do that once before) and he was fine while I sat and listened. But he said something I disagreed with and as soon as I opened my mouth to tell him he went mad, turned cold, told me to eff off and that this conversation is finished etc etc. And I also made the mistake of pandering to him, trying to make thigns good for him when he didn't like the way they were but that's just setting yourself up to fail as they get harder and harder to please.

lifebeginstoday · 06/08/2007 10:05

And you're right not to go into specifics about why you want out...as each reason you taek will be turned around to somehow be your fault. They never take responsibility for their actions and you just end up feeling like s**t for something that wasn't your fault to begin with.

lifebeginstoday · 06/08/2007 10:06

Sorry, that should have read 'each reason you give...'

Dior · 06/08/2007 10:08

Message withdrawn

lifebeginstoday · 06/08/2007 10:49

Dior, I had that too! he kept making plans to go out as a family and couldn't grasp the fact that I couldn't spend time with him. My barrier with him was that he had been spending every evening and sometimes into the early hours in chat rooms talking to other women, and exchanging texts etc with them. Then to add insult to injury he kept lying to me about it, even though I knew exactly what he was doing. I had come out of a refuge to give it another go and he repaid me by doing this. I couldn't get past it, along with all the things he had done to me and the kids in the past. He also told me that I wasn't making any effort, when in fact I was busting my gut trying to keep the peace and make him happy.

Tanee58 · 06/08/2007 15:02

Dior, hi, sorry I haven't been around the last few days - have had a really nice time at home, keeping away from the computer and doing things like seeing friends, going to the Dutch Portraits exhibition and spending time with dp and dd. (The film dd & I saw was 'Hairspray'. Can really recommend it. The music pastiches of 60s numbers are really toe tapping, and it's a very positive film for plump women )

I am so sorry about what you've gone through since we last 'spoke'. I do agree your counsellor seems on your side, but only you can decide whether this doesn't feel quite right. On the surface, it seems odd that he seemed on your side even before meeting h. Might be worth trying a different counsellor.

As for h, I think you do know what your eventual decision will be. It's just finding the courage to tell him (try the broken record technique - don't explain, just keep telling him) - and conquering the fear of being alone. You CAN do it, just take one day at a time. It's actually not so hard to deal with forms etc, and it's VERY empowering to realise you are able to manage on your own.

And I really don't think you'll be alone forever. There are men out there who don't have h's hangups (he really sounds like HE needs therapy).

I agree with the others - the weight is not the issue - but he uses it to control you.

Dior · 06/08/2007 20:49

Message withdrawn

Dior · 06/08/2007 20:51

Message withdrawn

BadPuppy · 06/08/2007 22:14

Dior, I think you do know how you feel but don't want to act on it.

A bunch of flowers? Big deal after what he's said to you.

You deserve more than this half life don't you? Sorry, don't want to sound lecturing but honestly he reminds me so much of my xh it makes me .

Really feel for you.

Tanee58 · 07/08/2007 07:06

Hi Dior, DP will be back mid-September. But I'll be visiting a couple of times - next Tuesday probably. (Could detour via Colchester if you fancy meeting for a coffee - don't know Col - do they have an Evil Starbucks?). It's 18 years since I last visited Norfolk. Dp was working in the same theatre and we had officially broken up, but were still sort-of seeing each other - it was a bitter-sweet time and I did a lot of touring the countryside, visiting old churches and crying in woodland. It'll be good to go back and lay the ghosts.

So - he brought you flowers - well, and so he should, after all he's said - but one bouquet don't really mend a marriage, do it? I can understand, though, how a little gesture like that can make you feel odd, and as you say, he's a good man in many ways. But DO you really want things to be as they have been? The flowers are really a distraction. (My ex offered me a weekend in Lisbon - but it would have only postponed the evil day, and I turned it down. He packed his bags instead).

Dior, this is a sad, sad time for you, I know - I've been there, and so have many of the others on this thread. It IS sad to end things when you don't actually hate each other - and scary to think of being on your own. I'm not saying you SHOULD end it - I can't tell you that - but I do think, from all you've said, that you're NOT happy with him, he DOESN't make you feel good about yourself, he DOESN't seem capable of sustained change - and it's no life for you and not a great example of a happy marriage for your ds. He may not be physically beating you up, but he seems very able to mess with your mind - and that's a kind of abuse, too, and as damaging in its way as blows.

The flowers were a kind thought - but what are they REALLY worth?

Tanee58 · 07/08/2007 07:09

Can't believe I'm on the computer this early!! Cat's wouldn't let me sleep & I needed to check cinema times (a local is showing my favourite weepie - Brief Encounter - tonight. Might treat myself as otherwise may never see it on a big screen!)

Paddlechick666 · 07/08/2007 07:51

Brief Encounter is an absolute classic. Hope you do treat yourself, it'd be fabulous to see it on the big screen.

Dior, it's so confusing isn't it? I toss and turn every night thinking about all the lovely things and then cancelling them out with all the terrible things H has done over the last 2 years.

I really can't believe that we can ever find a way back and he doesn't seem remotely interested in trying. Altho I am aware of things he's doing which in his screwed up head are what is going to make it work out okay. But none of those things matter a hoot to me.

He's staying away until he's succesful and making money again and then he thinks he's worthy and has something to give us. All I want(ed) is him here being a husband and father.

I don't think I can forgive him but the alternative is still too hard to face. The ridiculous thing is that I am already living the alternative.

Tanee58 · 07/08/2007 07:58

Morning PC666, yep, I think I'll go. Would like to take dd but she's 15 & it's not really her thing. I was into all those old movies at her age, but I wasn't cool like she is .

Sorry you're having a hard time too. Why can't a man be more like a woman (gosh, that sounds like a song...) So many of them don't realise that we don't need loads of money (though it helps ) we just need them to be loving, supportive and there for us! (and a bit of housework and cooking helps .)

lifebeginstoday · 07/08/2007 08:26

Dior...are you in Colchester???? If so, I'm only a few miles away from you and I drive into Colly at least once a week! If you need some moral support we could meet up for a coffee or something?

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