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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The next stage of my life WILL be better...

998 replies

Dumbledior · 15/07/2007 19:49

New thread for me to moan...

OP posts:
JARM · 14/09/2007 07:54

1pm usual place it is then!

Will probably do me good to get out for a bit! xxx

Sobernow · 14/09/2007 08:07

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lou33 · 14/09/2007 09:09

nods in agreement with sobernow

TotalChaos · 14/09/2007 09:13

also agrees. I really think the sex/weight issue is a good enough reason to leave. And you do have the right to listen to your happiness/feelings in this too.

taxingtimes · 14/09/2007 11:06

Dior

I have been following your post for some time now and what I can't see from it is what is stopping you from leaving him or asking him to leave. Do you have nowhere you and your DS can go?

Dior · 14/09/2007 13:20

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taxingtimes · 14/09/2007 13:40

I felt the same with my ex husband I couldn't stand living with him because of his drinking and his attitude to me, but I was worried about how I would cope with childcare as I work full time and also I couldn't work out how to get him to leave the house. In the end it all came to a head and we split. My ex then actually came good and we have managed fine with a very flexible childcare sharing arrangemnent which makes life very easy for me. He seems to be a far more reasonable chap now I am not married to him so perhaps it was me all along !!!

I supose what I am trying to say is that it may not be as scary as you think to actually go it alone.

Dior · 14/09/2007 19:57

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Sobernow · 15/09/2007 00:16

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Dior · 15/09/2007 08:30

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Turquoise · 15/09/2007 09:01

Dior - I was with xp for half my life too. He was a control freak too, and my self esteem and self confidence were rock bottom - it was only when after training as a domestic violence crisis volunteer that i realised how abusive our relationship was.

I was also overweight by the end of our relationship, for numerous reasons.

The reason I am boring on about me, me, me on your thread is just to say - I'm still alone almost three years after leaving him, and it's ok. In fact it's millions better than ok, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.

As for the sex thing - xp barely touched me, made massage him (and his feet ) for hours before he'd oblige - all leading to the sense that I was hideous, fat and repulsive. You know a bit about my FB, and the one thing I'll always be grateful to him for is that he's always wanted me, made me feel utterly beautiful and sexy, and by giving me my sexuality back started the road to getting my life back.

I was scared, still insecure as hell about the financial side of being alone - but you're married, you have the law on your side, and reality is rarely as awful as you imagine it's going to be.

Don't put pressure on yourself, you'll know when you're ready (if that's the choice you make).

Tanee58 · 15/09/2007 12:49

Good luck Dior, your list is a good idea - it sounds like he can so easily sidetrack you that the list will keep you on target.

It sounds like you haven't been happy with him for a long, long time. Dior, no one - or very few - people marry intending to divorce one day. I didn't, even though I was not madly in love with my husband, I knew he'd be a good husband, as he was a good man - but the sex issue just destroyed us. I still think he's a good man, but even if DP disappeared tomorrow, I wouldn't go back to ex-h as I don't think we were right as marriage partners - we should have stayed as friends and not tried to take it further. I do feel sad that my marriage failed though, and there's nothing wrong in you feeling sad. You will grieve, but you WILL be happier in the long run - or even in the short term (look how much happier you seem to be when he's away, or when you're at work). It's not an abyss - it's a voyage of discovery.

One of my friends divorced her husband even though he didn't move out till about a year AFTER their divorce. It wasn't easy, she has four children & couldn't afford to leave herself. But he eventually went.

You should really get some legal advice on your position - that will help you plan for the future.

Glad to hear that DS is fighting being a mini-me - he's obviously a bright boy .

Sobernow · 15/09/2007 13:26

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Dior · 15/09/2007 15:10

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Sobernow · 15/09/2007 17:50

This reply has been deleted

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Dior · 15/09/2007 18:20

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lou33 · 15/09/2007 19:43

he wants you to do as you are told

Dior · 15/09/2007 22:13

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sunshinegirl · 16/09/2007 19:58

lol re goldfish Dior, sorry!

And as for not scratching the bike he must love that bike!

I hope you've had a relaxing weekend and managed some good thinking time whilst he's been away.

As you know I have recently been in a very similar situation to you and have just separated. I was terrified of how I'd cope without him & what if I make a huge mistake. But the truth is (as Turqoise said) it's better than ok, I am myself again (even tho it's very early days) and I now wonder how on earth I carried on for so long feeling that things were at the end.

Life is way too short to be so unhappy for such a long time.

Thinking of you, hope to chat soon xx

Dior · 17/09/2007 11:24

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sallysparrow · 17/09/2007 11:36

Hi Dior, sorry havent been on here for a while - havent had much time to go online as P moved out last Monday - except that he hardly took anything with him. So things are leaving the house a box or bag at a time.

I am trying to gain control over the chaos that is left, but it is going to be a slow job I think!

People keep asking me how I am, but TBH I just feel a bit numb, niether glad nor sad. Probably because it has taken so long.

Anyway, back to you - do you think H is being so nice because he knows what you want to do and is trying to put you off? If he can be sweet towars you, he can carry on being sweet from another house, cant he?

P seems to be behaving a bit more adult about things since he moved, and is being more reasonable about the financial side. Maybe he's met a rich woman and all his problems are solved! ha ha.

The most important thing is that DD seems ok, although she is pushing the boundaries a bit, and she was a bit shrill when she came back from having tea with him last week.

So when you make the decision, arrangements for DS will be important, and H needs to think about that.

Good luck with WW - I went for a while and did lose quite a bit, but the leader was bigger than I was so wasnt much of a motivation - especially since all she did was try to get us to buy products, so hardly anybody stayed for the talk.

Dior · 17/09/2007 14:02

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Tanee58 · 17/09/2007 14:25

Hi Dior, yes, it sounds like he has more than an inkling - he's done this before, hasn't he? Been nice enough to get you to think twice...

Glad the move has gone smoothly Sally, it IS an odd feeling when they go. I remember feeling strange, but also able to breathe again, when ex drove off. Then two NOP people turned up wanting to do a survey with me, and were a bit taken aback when they asked for my marital status and I said 'as of 10 minutes ago, separated'. I've never seen two people look more uncomfortable . But it took my mind off things, which was what I needed.

Good luck with WW - one of my friends is a leader, even though she is no longer a size 10 either - she's a great motivator though, so people don't seem to notice her size. I'm trying to lose a bit by going on a low carb regime - counting cals never works for me, but carbs did. Trouble is, once I lost a stone, I couldn't resist chips...

sallysparrow · 17/09/2007 15:09

Tanee! I know what you mean about being able to breath. Also I can loll around now without being asked if Im going to wash up or iron something! Not that Im actually lolling much, am trying hard to get everything under control.

I wasnt trying to be catty about WW leaders - just that this one was a bit in the Marjory Dawes mould - used to suck air through her teeth if someone had put on half a pound! If someone had put on weight she would ask them if theyd done anything during the week likely to cause it. Usually they would go red and say something like theyd gone for an Indian, and she would suck even more air. I couldnt do that job - Id be more likely to ask if they recommended the restaurant!

Dior - DD is 6, I think she's about the same age as your DS?

Yesterday she was bemoaning the fact that now Daddy and I were never going to get married, so she would never be a bridesmaid. I said someone else was bound to ask her to be one someday - then I said maybe Daddy or I would marry someone else one day (fat chance in my case!) and she said "yay! Ill have a new Daddy" really enthusiastically!

I dont think she's that desperate for a new one - just fancies the idea of a pretty frock and a party!

Tanee58 · 17/09/2007 17:21

Sounds like your DD has a positive attitude, anyway - anything for a new frock . My dd was 10 when her father and I split up and she was VERY resistant to the idea of me remarrying anyone, let alone my DP, even for the sake of a frock. Five years down the line we're all living together and things are ticking along relatively well, though she still likes it when DP's working away from home and we can veg on the sofa and watch mindless TV.

Yes, it's great not having to worry about ironing - not that I iron anyway. DP's just come back from 10 weeks working in Norfolk and his landlady there was probably the cleanest, tidiest woman on the planet. She ironed everything if it kept still long enough and used to tidy his room for him . We made a few jokes about me being a very bad 'wife' - don't think I could cope with living with a fussy man. DP irons his own shirts - DD says hers don't need ironing. I only seem to get the iron out to press my patchwork .

LOL at your WW story. Hope my friend doesn't suck in her teeth - I can't imagine it somehow as she's a great chum.