MIL forgot to cook my dinner!

[NannaNoodleman]

DH, DS, DD, & I went to PILs' house for the day.

There's a back story and it hasn't been the easiest relationship but we're all making an effort for the children.

Anyway, MIL served up food for the children and as I was helping the kids with their food she served up food for the adults. She served up food for my BIL & his wife, DH's Dad, my DH, and herself.

DH said "what about Nanna" and she laughed and said she'd forgotten but I could have an extra slice of pizza later (for tea - I didn't! ).

Is it possible she could've forgotten my dinner? I usually know how many people I'm catering for.

What passive aggressive message is she trying to send me?

Well sorry if your husband allows anything like that to happen then prepare for the worst . I cant blame MIL - you are your husband’s responsibility and you are only exposed to his parents and family because of HIM so he must deal with situations like this. If he doesn't his loyalties or integrity is not to be relied on...

And saying your husband “was emotionally broken by them”... is he in a victim mode? Is he an adult now? A husband ? A father? Time to exit that victim personality now. Or you will be the next one who “did him wrong”.
There are nasty people and we deal with them we dont point finger and sit like a victim. Is his family even aware he is telling you etc that they “broke” him?? The only issue I see is a husband. Nobody would behave around his family if he would stand up for his loyalties - at all...

DH said definitely not and he was trying to think of how to tell his mother that she was rude.

She wasn't "rude" from your description. She was playing out a tactic aimed at splitting you and DH up. That's how people like that can get away with it for so long - because the real truth is horrific and hard to swallow.

Bless you OP you're being so kind and thoughtful to your DH.
I suggest you and he go for a couple of sessions of counselling to start off the discussion about his parents then try to persuade him to carry on going by himself if he will.

i wouldnt be going there again and i would have been tempted to tell her where to put her pasta

Please tell him that although it is hard to walk away, it is 100% for the best. He will be sad, he needs to grieve not only for the physical loss but also for the loss of the relationship he strived for, never got and never will. No matter how hard it is, the removal of the stress, worry and negative input is so very very worth it. Make a clean break and support him and the kids whilst they grieve, xx

if she had genuinely forgotten she would have offered you hers or made smaller portions from everyone elses.

She is a cock.

DH has two brothers and two SILs.

One SIL in low/no contact. There's a huge age gap between DH and this brother so they're not close. His parents have always told DH how horrid his SIL is and that she's mean to them etc. Since they've turned on me, we've questioned their version of events but DH isn't close enough to his brother to have that conversation. They have an adult granddaughter through this DB & SIL and I've heard them say quite nasty things to her about her mother.

The other SIL (the SIL who was at their house yesterday) seems to get on very well with them. ILs often go to her family events at Christmas and NY. She's pleasant enough to me but she reinforces their opinion of the other SIL. They don't have children but I'm certain that she's the one they desperately want to be the mother of their grandchildren. They could control her and the children very easily.

They hate my family because our children have my surname. It causes them lots of anger that my parents share a surname with their grandchildren. Not that my parents had anything to do with the naming of our children.

DH said definitely not and he was trying to think of how to tell his mother that she was rude.

How about 'You were unforgivably rude and it is the final straw. You will not see us or our children again and it is because of YOUR behaviour'.

I think some are being a little simplistic in their criticism of Nananoodleman’s husband.

He should do this, he should say that etc.

This sort of ‘pull yourself together’ ‘act like a man’ attitude is unhelpful and unkind.

We are talking about a person who has grown up in a somewhat disfunctional family. The effects, scars if you like, may well be long lasting and if one has been immersed in such a situation it’s not easy to speak out and stand up.

It’s the mil who has caused this problem.

The husband may well think, afterwards, that he should have done this or that, but at the time it’s a fight or flight situation or you don’t realise the significance of events as they roll out.

Been there, done that. There are times when I wish I’d handled my Dad in a different way when he had various goes at my children.

Hope you manage to get this sorted soon.

Wow nanna I'm so sorry this is the situation you are in.

Tbh I would go NC, your dh can stay in contact if it helps his mental health but I would not want these people in my life

Is your DH actually considering how to tell his mother that she was "rude" to you, presumably so that he doesn't hurt her feelings?
Does he realise that it was deliberately planned vindictive act to belittle and isolate you in front of the family?

To me, that goes way beyond rude.

Thanks especially to the posters who are showing understanding towards my DH.

This situation has now made him think again about being NC with his parents and effectively losing his parents.

It's easy to say "lose the bastards" but it'll have a huge impact on his mental health and much processing to go through with it.

They're abusers.

@NannaNoodleman my heart hurts for your DH. I'm sure he knows how lucky he is to to have you as his lovely DW. Sometimes it's better to walk away with no confrontation. You and he have built your own little family and don't need his EA parents in your lives.
Sending hugs for you both xx

they hate my family because our children have my surname. It causes them lots of anger that my parents share a surname with their grandchildren.

I think this explains a lot.

Whilst it is completely your choice what you name your children, this move has made it clear what you both think of DH’s family name.

I totally get why you’d do it if the relationship was that bad, but trying to maintain any form of relationship moving forwards seems a bit pointless.

Hi op.

How awful.

I understand you want to support your husband if he wants to visit. I would not tolerate the being singled out like that again.

Next time, bring along food for your family only. Lay it out nicely and sit down with everyone. If somebody asks respond that you want to make sure everybody gets fed as you were left out the last time.

I wouldn't engage with them beyond necessary exchanges. When you're in their house just busy yourself looking after your children and ignore them.

My ILs are pretty dysfunctional and nasty too so I am planning on taking this approach now I have DD to think of.

Out of curiosity, why did you give the kids your surname? Was it so there was no association with your ILs?

i wouldn't be going again and nor would my kids. If dh still wants to go, it's up to him.
Once disowned there really is no going back

What on earth is all this “classic British attitude” crap. I am English through and through and would never put up with being treated like this by anyone! My MIL was a nasty piece of work and I always stuck up for myself when she started her antics all in front of the rest off DH family. We reduced our visits and she saw much less of us.

Oh love, lots of hugs coming your way. Your MIL is a rude, aggressive cow. I have bastard ILs like this too and my MIL and her minions go out of their way to ostracise my DH and I. It's absolutely childish and so bloody ridiculous. As a result, I'm NC and my DH is very low contact with his family. They haven't even come to visit their first grandchild- our DS who is now eight months but that's their loss. Rise above it and don't waste anymore time or energy thinking about your husband's vile family.

Ps. My DH has been for counselling. Twice. In the end, he realised this is his cross to bear and he just has to get on with it. It kills me every time I see him spoken down to, manipulated, abused by his family but he chooses to stay a part of that dynamic, albeit from afar. I don't. No fucker is going to treat me like shit and think I'm going to accept it and there is no way I'm going to let my son see them treat me or my DH the way they do.

My DH could so easily be your DHs brother with what they've gone through with their parents. I understand how your husband feels too. It's sad but they have to take responsibility for their actions too.

Ps. Look up Narcissistic parents online- that's my ILs and it sounds like you have the same.

Whilst it is completely your choice what you name your children, this move has made it clear what you both think of DH’s family name.

Bollocks! Why should this decision have anything to do with what they think of his family name? Why should there have to be a reason why they chose the mother's surname and not the father's?

How horrible just unbelievable

You all need to stay away from.them.