MIL forgot to cook my dinner!

[NannaNoodleman]

DH, DS, DD, & I went to PILs' house for the day.

There's a back story and it hasn't been the easiest relationship but we're all making an effort for the children.

Anyway, MIL served up food for the children and as I was helping the kids with their food she served up food for the adults. She served up food for my BIL & his wife, DH's Dad, my DH, and herself.

DH said "what about Nanna" and she laughed and said she'd forgotten but I could have an extra slice of pizza later (for tea - I didn't! ).

Is it possible she could've forgotten my dinner? I usually know how many people I'm catering for.

What passive aggressive message is she trying to send me?

Out of curiosity, why did you give the kids your surname? Was it so there was no association with your ILs?

Presumably because they wanted to? And it's just as valid a choice as the father's name?

Hi OP, what a supportive, patient and kind wife you are. You clearly want the best for him and to get them out of your lives yet are not willing to push your thoughts onto him, before he's ready to accept them also.

Your DH has clearly been conditioned & controlled, all his life, by these horrific abusers. My Parent was in a similar position that also included physical abuse and throughout their life tried to do as you & your Husband have, by going no contact. I obviously knew nothing of it, as my Nan was lovely in my eyes and I often begged to go regularly, which we didn't do.

It's incredibly difficult to walk away so I would suggest you/both speaking to someone for advice & support on how to move forward.

I’d say you are doing the right thing about not going back there. Or allowing your children too.
It says a lot that they say nasty things to their granddaughter about her mother and tells you a lot about them as people.
I’d say maybe your DH should reach out to his other siblings (the ones with little or no contact) as they may be a source of comfort or at least be people who understand the situation you are both in with their parents.
Counseling is definitely a good idea

Bollocks! Why should this decision have anything to do with what they think of his family name? Why should there have to be a reason why they chose the mother's surname and not the father's?

It traditional for children to have their fathers name.

I’m not saying that’s right but it is a fact.

So if the in laws are traditional, it would mean a lot to them.

Shit like this has repercussions even if it shouldn’t.

My Mother did this at a family gathering - forgot my SIL. She was plating a roast dinner in the kitchen, instead of putting it all on the table to help ourselves as I'd suggested.

It was glossed over, & food moved around. Soon after, Mother was diagnosed with dementia.

Sorry Op. They really are nasty. I know it must be challenging but I would have said something like oh, you forgot to cook dinner for me! / I came all the way here to enjoy your lovely cooking with you all guys and there is no food for me? I don't agree with not vocalising things maybe for her she thinks is ok but hearing it out loud with other pl they may have made her behave a bit.

Omg that’s awful. I don’t know what the background is but she should not have done that. I wouldn’t even give her the pathetic chance to explain either! Hope yr ok xx

I think your husband is as bad for allowing that to happen but as he is perfectly ok allowing his mum to exclude you, you can do two things:

1. wait for the coward you are married to to stand up for you (won’t happen, honest)

2. Sort it yourself by dealing with her: Cold shoulder all the way, you don’t invite her for anything, you don’t check she is ok, you don’t go to her house, neither allow her on yours. You don’t pick up the phone, you don’t pass messages, you don’t give a hoot about her.

Neither is conductive to a good marriage but one at least gives you peace. My MIL and SIL were like that, they always forgot my plate, my gift, that I existed and treated me like dirt. I waited for exh to sort it, never did.

New wife took option number 2. 2 strikes and off went the two of them. They have been happily married for much longer than we managed.

I think that folk who've blamed the DH here for his lack of action have little understanding of being brought up by toxic parents. It really is awfully insidious and seeps into every aspect of your life as an adult.

It takes a huge amount of unpicking and professional help to understand the trauma of your own childhood. It also takes a huge amount of love, Support and courage to walk away from the cause of that trauma - we are tied to the people that have exerted power over us, especially parental power.

I keep my own DM at arms length, not quite non contact, but while it seemed inconceivable at the start, I really feel that it's saved my sanity. My DD's have never been alone with her. Never.

Your DH sounds like he's at that place now - continue to be your supportive and gentle self and I'm sure he'll see that it's the best thing in the long run.

These type of people don't ever change.

You need to post this on the JNMil sub reddit!

I feel your pain. I had enough at Christmas when I was served hotdogs, beans and chips for lunch.

I also only go to keep an eye on them around my children.

Now, we won't go to their house. All meetings will be held at a child friendly venue. DH couldn't go NC but respects my decision not to go to their house.

I'll repeat, we have some clueless people on this thread who aren't reading what you're saying OP - you know your DH better than anyone o. This thread.

Lots of posters need to spend a few hours reading the Stately Homes threads a bit more...

I've read the thread and I think, if your DH wants to say something to his parents it should take the form of something like this:

1. You'e threatened to disown me because my son has my wife's surname. That is insane and just the tip of the iceberg.
2. At dinner on X date, you didn't include my wife in the pot. It is very clear that you had no intention of including her in the amount of food that you served up and it isn't acceptable to do this. She is my wife and should be treated with respect.

(and if he wants to, he could include whatever other times they have disrespected you, been rude to you or manipulated the situation so that they look blameless but clearly aren't).

Then he comes out with the sting in the tail.

"It is for these and countless other times that I have decided that you are not good grandparents and we will no longer be visiting you or having anything to do with you. You are being disowned by us. You will have nothing to do with me, NannaNoodleman and your grandchildren from this day on. You are not to involve my brothers or sisters-in-law in trying to establish contact. You've burned too many bridges for me at this point and I've had enough." and leave. With your heads held high.

Indeed WelshMoth

very hurtful. If she had realised she should have given you hers or made something else for you. Awful.

@TanMateix

That's a very nasty post about the DH and just shows your ignorance about the effects of abusive childhoods. So easy to call him a coward when you have no experience of what he's dealt with.

Fully agree with WelshMoth.

I went very low contact with my parents for several years after yet another unforgivable episode.
I would just send Birthday and Christmas cards.
Then they had a few personal problems that needed help and me being me couldn’t leave them struggling. So I have been involved and managing their behaviour by seeing them solely for practical reasons and then leaving them to it.
In some ways I feel happier in this scenario. I personally can’t leave anyone in a tough situation but it isn’t happy ever after and co tact is now on my terms and very limited.
Any comments that arise I will respond firmly by text in the facts and then back I go to low contact.
I hope your DH copes ok.
Toxic people are not good

Sometimes you just need to decide that life is too short to include people like that. I have vague recollections of MIL doing the same to me with breakfast and I just went out and got something far nicer. She's mellowed a bit so it's bearable but it sounds as if you've tried to mend bridges and its been abused.

Remove the control only meet up in neutral ground and limit the time you spend with them with the excuse of something coming up last minute.
She needs you both on her side more than she realises.This is the sad part of families there will usually be one person that will be blinded by power.

OP, I know this is not the point at all but I wanted to applaud your phrase regarding SIL and nipple tassels. Masterful. 👍

Surely everyone else would have given ou some of theirs so you had your own plate of food. This has happened at christmas before when there are 15 people. Everyone just says here have a spud or some turkey etc. If not, I think I would not be visiting again!

Your DH does need counselling, he needs to accept that he will never understand why they behave the way they have. It sounds like he is heading in the right direction. They are still abusing him mentally, they are punishing you for the children having your name and they know that it is hurting him. Thy are never going to be able to be the parents he deserves so going NC does seem the best answer to this situation. If he would never behave this way towards his children why should he have to accept his parents appalling behaviour. No ones family is perfect but there has to be a line that isn’t crossed and it appears they stomped all over that years ago and are currently still doing so. Your MIL was rude and offensive, she is an outright bitch and you should not put yourself in that position again because when you are in her house ...to her......that makes you vulnerable. Nasty nasty woman

Send your MIL an empty box of chocolates and say Hotel Chocolat etc must have forgotten to put them in.
Big hugs to you and DH.
Let him and you have time to think this over, and then decide what to do.
Cheers

My DP also has a very very difficult relationship with his parents. They don’t give a shit about any of us, including their DGS. However, if they did this to me he’d fuck them off and have absolutely nothing to do with them if they pulled this rude shit! YANBU

Hi OP - nothing but support and sympathy sent to you from me.
My Sister has very similar in laws and it’s such a difficult relationship. She ‘armours’ up for every visit and tries to act as emotionless as possible towards her in laws.
She understands that her DH has been bought up by severely emotionally stunted (abusive?) parents and how hard it is for him.
My only advice for you is to love your DH more because of his batshit parents & to support him in his wish to see them. NEVER react to your MIL’s effort to manipulate you - it will drive her insane & she will up it as she normally gets a reaction!
Good luck x