MIL forgot to cook my dinner!

[NannaNoodleman]

DH, DS, DD, & I went to PILs' house for the day.

There's a back story and it hasn't been the easiest relationship but we're all making an effort for the children.

Anyway, MIL served up food for the children and as I was helping the kids with their food she served up food for the adults. She served up food for my BIL & his wife, DH's Dad, my DH, and herself.

DH said "what about Nanna" and she laughed and said she'd forgotten but I could have an extra slice of pizza later (for tea - I didn't! ).

Is it possible she could've forgotten my dinner? I usually know how many people I'm catering for.

What passive aggressive message is she trying to send me?

NannaNoodleman
Your children will probably already be aware of how they treat you; even very young children will notice this behaviour.

I'm sorry but they sound very toxic. My husband would have made a show of giving me his or dividing his and insisting he sits with the kids and me the adults to make up for it.
I'm guessing its tricky but I hope your husband can see how controlling they are and stand up to them.

Quick skim, but if the MiL is behaving like this in front of everyone, what's she capable where people can't see what she's up to ?

They are letting him know loud and clear that they would rather you weren’t in his life.

Be careful op, you sound very kind and understanding but I would worry that they will start this behaviour towards the children.

They sound awful.

Poisonous bitch... it's either give her a dose of her own medicine or go NC. I chose the NC route. I get what your DH is going through as my DF has just gone through similar with his 'dad' and the betrayal and unfairness of it all is very hard to take. The best thing for him, for you all is to go NC but he sound quite sensitive atm so it'll be a long struggle for him.

I fear for your marriage if this carries on, and indeed your health.

Yes your DH is not assertive and there are two paths available - one is get boundaries and tell your MIL where to shove her hospitality. That will be hard.

The other is that eventually he joins in with your MIL. That can be as simple as saying nothing at the start, but you are being placed very low in the pecking order and to what end? Don’t assume it stops there with this incident. You can expect it to get worse. She doesn’t want you for her son - people like this don’t stop their behaviour unless there is real consequence.

If you have to go there again I would eat a massive meal on the way and when she starts dishing up say ‘oh we ate already, seeing as there wasn’t enough food last time’.

Or just not go again...

I understand she is a bitch and you say your husband has been emotionally broken by them, but... you haven’t!

I would have sat down at the adult table and put half of DH’s dinner on my plate in front of everyone.

You need to take the baby steps with your h to get him away from these awful people

Firstly you make sure that neither you nor your kids ever see them again, and you should get the Susan Forward book(s) Toxic Parents/Toxic In-laws and read together

It’s not his fault that they are like this, they will never change.

What I find particularly chilling is that she did this to you in front of an audience and not one person batted an eyelid, it’s like she has goaded you beyond the beyond and wanted to see what anyone would do to protect you, and nobody did a thing

If she can do this to you now, what next?

Let me tell you what next... it’ll be your kids. People like her hurt others through their loved ones, she’s got away with it with you, she’ll need to up the ante, your kids are next in line.

Your h will need help to get the fog to lift, but you have to protect your family now

These people won’t ever be coming to your home again, and you’ll be “busy” every Christmas, birthday, holiday, Easter and Hallmark occasion

You’re done, your kids won’t go there without you and hopefully your dh won’t go there again either

Perhaps suggest to him that he makes a promise to himself not to initiate contact or visit them for x number of months and to then evaluate how much better he feels without them in his life

Absolutely yes to therapy, he won’t be able to heal without it.

Well,more fool you for declining to share DHs.

Why would you be a martyr ? 🙄

I wouldn't have shared either. Wouldn't have wanted to eat any of her food after that.

I think your dh must refuse to eat if his family aren’t fed. What pests they are

Be careful op, you sound very kind and understanding but I would worry that they will start this behaviour towards the children.

If they are anything like my MiL they'll have already started ...

I think control what you are able to. I wouldn't let my children be exposed to their behaviour or you'll have the drive home being questioned by them as to why mummy wasn't allowed food etc and that will be really upsetting for your dh. He can't explain it in a way they'll understand.
So I wouldn't go as I wouldn't put up with it, so my kids won't go either. And your dh will have to make his own decisions, but if he goes he has to agree not to listen to you being put down.

Never plan a visit over a mealtime again. Two hours mid morning or afternoon and then you're gone.

Will you be going again, or will you be going NC? I would be inclined to call them out on it, maybe take your own picnic basket.

They don't offer you a drink - Oh its ok I know you never offer me anything so I bought my own.
They don't offer you food - Oh its ok, I have this here. I would be shaky if I don't eat anything like last time.

Easiest option though - don't go.

@NannaNoodleman You and DH have only two emotionally healthy choices: Going No Contact, or having a relationship with Clear and Enforceable Boundaries which minimise the harm to your family.

Talk to DH and work out what those boundaries will be. Counselling will be essential for DH alone and you together.

The suggestions about bringing your own drinks etc avoid the issue. She will find some other way to assert her dominance, disrespect you and show her contempt.

If you meet them again, it should be in public, near you and on your terms. The children should not be brought to their home again. Pretending their behaviour is normal and tiptoeing around it is a terrible message for your children who are picking up on more than you realise. It also sends a message to MIL that her behaviour is Ok and justified- in her mind, no one said anything so they must all agree with her about how horrible you are and good for MIL for getting one over you. You need to make a stand, even if it is not a direct one to her face. No more visits to their home. Shitty behaviour has consequences.

It can be hard to keep a relationship with extended family in these situations, especially as these ones seem under her control and afraid to make waves. But if they are important to you, start your own traditions with them. Eg, invite BIL and SIL to a specific event every year so that you still see them.

And please order Susan forwards books today. Bloody essential reading.

Well,more fool you for declining to share DHs.

Why would you be a martyr ? 🙄

It’s not really a thread about whether OP had enough to eat at MIL’s house. It’s a thread about the much wider issues surrounding her DH’s toxic parents.

It’s not really a thread about whether OP had enough to eat at MIL’s house. It’s a thread about the much wider issues surrounding her DH’s toxic parents.

One of the reasons I revere MN, is the wisdom of people here allowed me to see that a succession of incidents can be part of a much bigger agenda. Even the OP started by thinking this was a storm in a teacup over some bad manners ...

You can't forget to give someone their food. And if you did you would immediately either a) redistribute b) give them yours c) cook something else all while apologising profusely. This was calculated behaviour by MIL

Personally I see no way you can visit her again, if it were me there's no way in hell that I or my DC would see her again. You could potentially put up with her behaviour but what if she started on the DC? And they shouldn't have to witness that behaviour against their mother, and I wouldn't want them thinking that either treating someone like that was okay, or that being treated like that is something to be endured.

I think by calmly going along with it your not highlighting to your DH how serious the behaviour is. Your DH might not be able to go nc straight away. But he needs to start recognising how they behave and how this could effect his DC. You need to stand up to your DH to protect your DC by saying that you and them will no longer be seeing his parents.

They won't change, nasty people are always nasty people. Their behaviour will never improve, the only two things you can do are either a) accept it including future behaviour to your dc or b) go nc. Your DH can still see them if he wants but you can make the choice for you and the dvc.

One of the reasons I revere MN, is the wisdom of people here allowed me to see that a succession of incidents can be part of a much bigger agenda. Even the OP started by thinking this was a storm in a teacup over some bad manners ...

Agreed.

Toxic people are good at making their behaviour seem benign and making you question your own feelings, memories and experiences. Sometimes you need outside help to join the dots.

Toxic people are good at making their behaviour seem benign and making you question your own feelings, memories and experiences. Sometimes you need outside help to join the dots.

For me, that Was MN. Probably saved my marriage and my sanity.

OP well done for remaining dignified in light of their very obvious batshittery. I also agree that your DH is suffering the long term effects of abuse, perhaps PTSD as well. It takes a long time and a lot of knowledge to untangle that learned behaviour.

Can I ask how they treat your SIL? What's the dynamic there, if you don't mind me asking?

He's a victim of lifelong emotional abuse. He was almost broken by these people.

Then you have to try to get him away from them. They are still manipulating him now, he has no idea what is normal and your children will be next.

I still need to read through replies properly - and I certainly will but it's been busy (nice busy) at my parents' house. I'm a bit overwhelmed by the number of replies.

DH & I had a couple of minutes alone earlier and I said that yesterday was playing on my mind and he said it was playing on his mind too. I said I didn't want to ever go to ILs' house again and I didn't want the children going either. DH said definitely not and he was trying to think of how to tell his mother that she was rude.

We'll talk about it again when we have more time and privacy.