MIL forgot to cook my dinner!

[NannaNoodleman]

DH, DS, DD, & I went to PILs' house for the day.

There's a back story and it hasn't been the easiest relationship but we're all making an effort for the children.

Anyway, MIL served up food for the children and as I was helping the kids with their food she served up food for the adults. She served up food for my BIL & his wife, DH's Dad, my DH, and herself.

DH said "what about Nanna" and she laughed and said she'd forgotten but I could have an extra slice of pizza later (for tea - I didn't! ).

Is it possible she could've forgotten my dinner? I usually know how many people I'm catering for.

What passive aggressive message is she trying to send me?

Next time DP visits them, I suggest you forget to get in the car.

I really wouldn’t have my children around those people. DH wants to cling onto a relationship with them? Fine. He can can endure them on his own. They are toxic people and they will soon start to guilt and manipulate your children in exactly the same way that they have conditioned your DH and BIL. End the cycle and cut them out.

This is a dreadful situation to find yourself in OP....I, like many others would see this as the last straw...People only treat you how you let them...your husband's behaviour too was very telling by him sitting with them and leaving you to deal with the kids in a seperate room...Stop being so nice and enabling and understanding woman....man up if he can't and tell them where exactly off to fuck! You don't deserve this,the kids don't deserve an upset mummy and tiptoeing around them and husband is absolutely ridiculous...Your life will be better without them in it .....Your MIL knew exactly what she was doing ...and you let her....that in ii's self is bad enough...but your husband sort of colluded with the charade too to keep the peace ...he is no example here either...where is the bit that says my husband was furious and protected his wife and kids? He didn't..he might have asked where your lunch was and offered you some but then he let it pass....and to me that is far worse than what your MIL did...

There's always two sides to a story
So what would make this behaviour acceptable? It is absolutely wrong to treat someone this way especially in front of their kids. If grandma has a grievance then it should be addressed properly not mean spiteful actions like this.

Well the normal reaction to 'forgetting' to dish up someone's food is to apologise profusely and get them some food immediately. That's the only acceptable response. And that she didn't do that shows it was no mistake. She wants to put you in your place and show you she's in control and she doesn't welcome you. Fuck her.

So you don't want them near your husband or children but you're "making an effort for the sake of the children".

Your kids don't need this in their lives!!! The last time I saw my paternal gran was when I was 11. She was a bitch. If we ever made mistakes, she would say "well that's your mum in you". And if we ever did anything really good, she would say "oh yes, that's from our side". She called me mum names infront of us. She didn't serve her food or drinks. She ignored her during conversation.

It was horrible. My life was much more stable without her in it.

Your kids don't need this relationship.

Stop all contact. If they get in touch you tell them that this was the last straw and you're done. Don't engage. Don't let them manipulate. Don't let them have things on their terms. Just ignore, ignore, ignore. No matter what.

If they want to see you all then they will need to apologise and buck up their ideas. Do not reply to anything until that happens.

Agree with lots of posters. You are being lovely trying to help your DH but you are sending the wrong messages to your children. In years to come you don't want them to tolerate similar treatment from their grandparents do you?
Even you sitting at the children's table sends a clear message of how you are allowing yourself to be treated.

Your plan for when she does this again, is as soon as it happens he walks into the kitchen, grabs a plate and puts half of his meal on the plate for you...
You both then walk in to eat with everyone else.. say to MIL.... Your getting old if your can't count who needs to eat

Your plan for when she does this again, is as soon as it happens he walks into the kitchen, grabs a plate and puts half of his meal on the plate for you...

Or even better than that, just walk out and go home. I cannot understand why you stayed even a second longer after that. Your DH may be in fog, but he needs to pull his head out of his arse and stand up for his family.

I relate to how OP and DH didn't know how to react in the moment. This is part of how emotionally abusive and toxic people operate. They were acting like everything is fine, so if OP said something then she is the one creating trouble.

Also when things like this happen there is a natural moment for emotionally healthy people to feel 'wait, did that just happen? There must be some reasonable explanation or misunderstanding.' Because it's so fucking strange.

Don't beat yourself up about your reaction, but if you're going to see them again, control the situation (meet in neutral place) and be ready with some words for when you are being mistreated.

What did the other adults do, OP? Did anyone say anything? Did they laugh? Were they silent but uncomfortable? What do they think of MIL?
This is the bit that almost worries me more. One person can be off her head and spiteful, and your husband is clearly broken by it. But are the others complicit?

I've miscounted before when I've been dishing out food when all the family are around BUT l have always rectified it before actually taking the food to the table. I can't believe anyone could actually forget someone and then not to anything about it.i would have given you my dinner if there was no other option. It must have been deliberate What did your husband say? What happened did they all sit down at then table without you?

I have no words for how awful this must be for you. It's so sad for all of you and I cannot understand why and how people become this toxic. It's like a disease. Wishing you strength

People who haven't grown up with abusive parents can find it impossible to understand how that affects the way you perceive and react to their behaviour. If this is the way his parents have always treated him, it will be normalised (which does NOT mean that it isn't still incredibly damaging and hurtful) and he will be conditioned to react a certain way. Telling the OP that her DH is useless because he didn't call his mother a witch and whisk his family out the door is not helpful.

OP, you are in an extremely difficult situation. I know you are trying to find a way for you to solve this for your DH and your kids but I don't think that's possible. Your priority really needs to be your children because they don't have the capacity to protect themselves. If they see your in-laws twice a year then they are not gaining anything from a relationship with them; they are only seeing the terrible treatment that you and your DH endure. You already know that this is harmful for your DC to witness. Unfortunately your DH has got to make the decision for himself to either cut contact with his parents or to develop strategies to deal with them. That has to come from him. Of course you can support him, but you can't make it happen on his behalf.

If this were my in-laws, I would tell DH that the children and I would no longer be having any contact with his parents. I would make sure that he knew that I supported his choice to either continue his contact with them or not, without judgement. But I would urge him strongly to seek more counselling and consider the effect that having contact with his parents is having on his wellbeing.

Next time DP visits them, I suggest you forget to get in the car

This. Also, if she's not getting a reaction chances are she's going to up her game (and it is a game to her) and start on your children. If your DH wants a relationship with them let him at it but keep you and your DC home.

I have just seen your update and just want to say how sorry I am for your DH and you. It sounds a terrible situation. You sound lovely people trying very hard to deal with terrible people. It might help if you could persuade your DH to have some counselling so he can process what his parents have done to him. I agree the decision to stop seeing them has to come from him.

You know, you’ll be working on this relationship and nothing will ever change. They’ll continue to make you both feel like shit while you and your dh try to adjust your behaviour in the hope that you’ll have the relationship you both want.
That’s not going to happen. They’ll never change.

You’ve tried. You don’t like confrontation and are having to deal with extreme behaviour. In the cold light of day I would decide that that’s it over. I rarely say this but I would not let her see you or your children again. As you say it’s 1-2 times a year no big discussion needed just tell hubby it’s done.

OP- we have an issue with DH’s mum (his parents are divorced so FIL is totally different). She is married to an abusive manipulative alcoholic and is herself at total narcissist. She and her husband manipulate and verbally abuse SILs (who are mired in FOG and see this as normal). They are now starting to recreate this pattern in their own relationships.

We have very low contact- partly because MIL thinks people should come to her and never answers the phone. We meet her at our house or out. Her husband is explicitly banned from attending. She slags is off no end because of this but I don’t want my DD witnessing their fucked up relationship and thinking that it is normal.

What a cowbag. I'd be absolutely livid. No more visiting them. They sou d extremely toxic. Don't let these people influence the children or be around them. Its not healthy.

Thanks for all of the advice and responses. I've had a quick scan and will read properly later. I appreciate people taking time to reply.

We're at my parents' house having an Easter egg hunt and getting fed equally!

It isn't fair to call my DH derogatory names and criticise his reaction. He's a victim of lifelong emotional abuse. He was almost broken by these people.

When a situation is minimised and no one else reacts, it's very difficult to work out how to react appropriately. You're left thinking you're mad and the situation is perfectly normal.

For me and my children it would be NC from now.

Your pil have made this what it is .... now you need to take charge and lay down some rules

@NannaNoodleman if you can find my earlier response it might be useful. I do understand and I sympathise with your DH as he is still deep within the FOG of the emotionally abused.

That said, I think you need to be strong and make the decision that you will not expose yourself and your children to these toxic people.

You can’t force your DH to go No Contact but you can help him get counselling and do research on emotional abuse by parents.

If pps haven’t suggested it there is a good book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Actually, I commend your support of your husband. There is not a one size fits all prescription for healing emotional abuse. I suspect you know this man better than anyone else in the world, and you are treating him lovingly and with respect. His parents are clearly horrible, horrible people, but for whatever reason, he feels the need to continue contact with them and to pursue a relationship between them and your kids, however distant. However, I can’t believe none of the other adults noticed that you were completely excluded from the meal. That’s so weird, and so evil. She must have said something... I’ll bet she’s gloating. I suspect that they’re complicit too. (Not DH, obviously.) SIL is probably silent, not oblivious.

He's a victim of lifelong emotional abuse. He was almost broken by these people.

Then high time that he engages in therapy and that means you have to stop enabling his FOG. The children will notice and he will continue to ‘not see’ or minimise the impact. Therapy is not an option, it’s a must.