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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL forgot to cook my dinner!

360 replies

NannaNoodleman · 20/04/2019 21:37

DH, DS, DD, & I went to PILs' house for the day.

There's a back story and it hasn't been the easiest relationship but we're all making an effort for the children.

Anyway, MIL served up food for the children and as I was helping the kids with their food she served up food for the adults. She served up food for my BIL & his wife, DH's Dad, my DH, and herself.

DH said "what about Nanna" and she laughed and said she'd forgotten but I could have an extra slice of pizza later (for tea - I didn't! ).

Is it possible she could've forgotten my dinner? I usually know how many people I'm catering for.

What passive aggressive message is she trying to send me?

OP posts:
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 21/04/2019 20:02

Nanna while your DH may have had the worst luck with parents, it's brilliant that he's ended up with someone as understanding,, empathetic and supportive as you. It would be heartbreaking if he''down gone straight from an abusive childhood to a marriage with one of the charmers attacking him on this thread.

TanMateix · 21/04/2019 20:03

It is not ignorance, I have abusive parents myself. But when it came to them abusing my husband or my child I knew where to draw the line. Those things were absolutely sacred and I was not going to let them touch them.

I still torture myself about many things that are part of my upbringing and keep in touch with them even when they are so nasty and toxic but no, they are not allowed to mess with my child or partner... ever.

Itsnotme123 · 21/04/2019 20:06

Tell her how starving you are lol, lay it on thick and make her feel proper guilty 🤣

PolarBearkshire · 21/04/2019 20:13

He clearly needs a proper therapy not even counselling but the psychologist WILL challenge him and put all the balls in his court. There will be no blaming “the abusers”. The therapy does not blame. Therapy finds out where something is coming from and how to deal with it. But dealing is a must if genuinely wanting to move on. If not - then not.

Sakura7 · 21/04/2019 20:25

TanMateix

Not everyone will react the same way as you, each individual processes these things in their own way and in their own time. Some live in the FOG forever, like my own father sadly did. Given your background you really should be a bit more understanding.

Anyway it sounds like OP and her husband are on the right track.

Franklymydearidontgiveaham · 21/04/2019 20:26

Weird question, but is there cultural differences?

TanMateix · 21/04/2019 20:29

Exactly Sakura, everyone reacts in a different way. And I expect my opinion respected too.

Supersimpkin · 21/04/2019 20:31

Nasty old thing - but you don't sound like you realise how much better off you'd be without them, which is even more worrying.

Xenadog · 21/04/2019 20:35

OP, now is the time for Your DH to begin that counselling. WRT his parents, I would do nothing. Don’t contact them and if they try to contact you just avoid them. Let DH go through the counselling process and let him come to the decision that going NC is the only way to go.

Put them out of your mind and just know you will never see them again and neither will your children. DH has to come to that decision himself but I don’t think he will get there without professional help.

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 21/04/2019 20:36

My ils /dh relationship was very similar. Years of neglect and abuse. When we had ds mil made it abundantly clear she wasn't going to be a dgm. Fil simpering alongside her decision broke my dh's heart - and spirit tbh.
We moved away, she emailed everyone she knew how we had cut her off!
Dh has seen via dfhood how bad they were and it has helped him accept the nc we have been for 4 years now.
You going nc first (with dc) will give him courage to follow suit ime.
If you ever find yourself visiting them take a huge order of KFC /mcd for you and the dc and eat it at her table.
Ime you need to take control whilst your dh still feels unable to.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 21/04/2019 20:36

Itsnotme did you read the thread? It's moved on a bit.

bluebell34567 · 21/04/2019 20:37

i would cut all contact and your dh must do the same. otherwise she will manipulate him and your children as well.

Bearbehind · 21/04/2019 20:47

His parents then disowned their son with the poorly baby who was lying in intensive care for this decision. Anyone who thinks that is remotely ok is a psychopath.

So stop trying with them.

Go NC and focus on your lives.

It’s clearly never going to work with them.

tribpot · 21/04/2019 21:02

now he knows she was being rude.
It wasn't rude. It was testing her boundaries. I think on some level they realise they went too far by disowning DH when your ds was a newborn, so now are trying new tactics to reassert their hold on him. This incident seems exactly designed to:

  • isolate you
  • seem like a mistake
  • seem almost trivial in retrospect ('she could have gone and made a sandwich if it was that big a deal')

so that if he decides to go NC over it, the blame will squarely fall on you for 'overreacting'.

I can also see why you just shut down at the time and told DH to eat his food and not make a fuss (even though this has played into their hands as they will say you can't have been that hungry if you didn't share DH's portion) - who knows how they would have reacted if you had, and I think you were focused on making things as calm as possible for the sake of your dc. Unfortunately, that is their secret weapon - shame they're not willing to put their own dc first as well.

I think if I were your DH, I'd be thinking about taking your surname as well and cutting off all ties to his family. Not that I think you should suggest that to him!

Re: the messages about cancer scares, I assume you're familiar with the term flying monkeys - that will be part of the challenge of managing no contact.

Sakura7 · 21/04/2019 21:07

Sorry Tan, but I don't have much respect for victim blaming.

SirGawain · 21/04/2019 21:30

Whilst it is completely your choice what you name your children, this move has made it clear what you both think of DH’s family name.

That has to be the stupidest remark I’ve seen on mumsnet for a long time and that’s saying something.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 21/04/2019 21:39

@NannaNoodleman
You should not even let your children see them WITH supervision.
Take your pain and combine it with the heartache and heartbreak,they will eventually do this to your sweet children.
Y'all need to have a real honest and open conversation about this,I know it will be hard.But it will be worth it!!(We stopped seeing my in laws over 16 years ago.It was having children that made us realize it had to stop.We haven't regretted one bit.
Good luck to you girl!!

RavenLG · 21/04/2019 21:41

Sorry Tan, but I don't have much respect for victim blaming

Round of applause for this please!! 👏👏👏

Bearbehind · 21/04/2019 22:09

That has to be the stupidest remark I’ve seen on mumsnet for a long time and that’s saying something.

Well it’s clearly not ‘stupid’ because this is what has triggered how bad the OPs situation has become.

You can be as liberal as you like, but failing to acknowledge how something like this will affect a very traditional family is far more ‘stupid’ than my comment.

Belenus · 21/04/2019 22:56

You can be as liberal as you like, but failing to acknowledge how something like this will affect a very traditional family is far more ‘stupid’ than my comment.

They're batshit. They've been batshit for a long time. They've isolated the DH's older brother and his family as well. If it hadn't been this it would have been something else. You can't live your life hemmed in in case you upset Batshit. They're going to get upset at some point. Using the OP's name didn't turn them into manipulative wankers. They were already that way.

Meantime, the OP has given a very good explanation as to why they named their child as they did. And frankly, since women have for hundreds of years been sidelined and treated as property and just expected to take somebody else's name, "traditional" families can shut the fuck up and respect other people's choices.

Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 21/04/2019 23:10

The victim/DH blaming is fairly tough to read but I

OP posts:
Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 21/04/2019 23:14

Urgh! Dropped my phone.

The victim/DH blaming is fairly tough to read but I absolutely stand by my DH and what he's been through.

If he's not ready to go NC then I'll understand that and support him. He doesn't expect the children nor me to see them again.

I'll support him, I'll encourage counselling but I will not attempt to control him.

OP posts:
Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 21/04/2019 23:16

There's been many assumptions made and people projecting their personal circumstances onto this situation.

It's not as easy as "should've done"... neither of us reacted because we were back footed.

OP posts:
Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 21/04/2019 23:22

As for the surname: it doesn't matter if DH's parents are the mayors of tradition with 10,000 years of tradition they can trace back to the very origins of tradition....

They disowned their son because he made a decision they weren't happy about when he was going through the most horrific experience of his life (anyone who's had a NICU baby knows how profound this experience is). Can you imagine treating your child like that? Can you imagine your adult child crying on the phone because his baby needs a brain scan and you hang up the phone?

They didn't become fuckers when we named our child... they were fuckers before that event.

We were ready to cut them off at that point but they sucked us back in with health scares and good behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
NannaNoodleman · 21/04/2019 23:25

There's been some absolutely wonderful advice on this thread.

Thank you for sharing your own experiences.

OP posts:
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