MIL forgot to cook my dinner!

[NannaNoodleman]

DH, DS, DD, & I went to PILs' house for the day.

There's a back story and it hasn't been the easiest relationship but we're all making an effort for the children.

Anyway, MIL served up food for the children and as I was helping the kids with their food she served up food for the adults. She served up food for my BIL & his wife, DH's Dad, my DH, and herself.

DH said "what about Nanna" and she laughed and said she'd forgotten but I could have an extra slice of pizza later (for tea - I didn't! ).

Is it possible she could've forgotten my dinner? I usually know how many people I'm catering for.

What passive aggressive message is she trying to send me?

Wow! Sorry OP but it doesn't sound like an accident it sounds calculated. How spiteful and hurtful she is! However I have read all your updates about your DH etc... let it be water of a duck's back. You seem determined to keep the relationship for the sake of your DH and I kind of understand that, but she is one nasty person. Please don't let her get to you, you're worth so much more.

I sympathise OP
My MIL didn’t like me because I married her favourite child.
I tried to be kind to her; I looked after her when she was poorly and tried to be a great DIL. However, she treated me like shit. For years I endured her terrible behaviour .
My dh tried to talk to her, but as others have said, these people manipulate their children .
One day I woke up and decided that I wasnt going to see this woman again( thankfully she moved to Spain).
I didn’t see her again

Nah she didn't forget. If she forgot she would be embarassed and especially if it was pasta, just redistributed it including you. She did this on purpose, and is an utter cunt tbh. I ouldn't be going to see her again.

Whilst it is completely your choice what you name your children, this move has made it clear what you both think of DH’s family name

Erm, no it doesn't!

All sorts of reasons why she might choose to keep her maiden name, and if she and DH have different surnames, then why should the DC take his rather than hers?

Fwiw, I kept my own surname when I married, mainly because neither of us thought it was very important to change it! When DD was born, we decided it would make life easier to share a name (for travel etc) and we had a conversation about which name to take. All options were genuinely open. My lovely ILs never commented or seemed to give it a thought.

Ps: my partner has had counselling for his toxic parents. It hasn’t really changed anything. Like your DP he craves their love & acceptance but has come to realise it’s their problem, not his. Sometimes you have to just cut these fuck jobs out and move on. Your DH like my DP has a family of his own that love him.... that has to be enough. Good luck love xx

Exactly, is not that she forgot to cook your dinner, she choose not to feed you for the sake of it, nothing wrong with serving smaller portions of pasta. If she really had forgotten completely beyond repair,,, she should have given you her plate, that’s what good hostess do but this is not about food.

OP, I think I would be suggesting to your husband that you invite his brother and wife around - the ones who are also NC with his parents. It's often hard to have honest conversations in this kind of situation but if they have already dealt with his parents, they'll understand and hopefully be able to help and support him to take the same decision.

Family is difficult sometimes. My dad was truly awful to me and it never occurred to me to go NC as he was family and it had never been an option. My husband helped me to cut free. He didn't force it, but started with the fact that he didn't want his toxicity round our child, which I could understand. This helped me to see that it I didn't have to put up with his crap either. I felt happy with my family unit, and slowly realised that I could never have the happy set up with my dad but I could create one with my husband and kids, and that would be enough. You could help your husband to do the same.

Blatent malicious family politics act.

I swear I will be a nice mother in law to whoever my son takes a fancy to.

And this is why society is so ... up here. No he is an adult he must do everything to overcome. Otherwise its nasty victim syndrome that will burden all the children nevermind the wife but at least she chose him! They did not! Victims will milk it from everyone playing every side until somebody will have enough. Ridiculous to pity the husband while his wife was given such treatment and he did not even squeak?!!!

When DS was born prematurely and poorly and whisked off to NICU he was labelled "baby noodleman". I sat by his incubator with the label "baby noodleman" on it. When we named him they changed his labels to "Little Johnny Noodleman".

When DH went to register his birth I said "I like Little Johnny Noodleman as a name, how do you feel about that" and DH said "yeah, it's nice". I asked if he was sure and he said "he needs one of our surnames. You carried him and are making the most life changes to care for him... it's a nice name".

His parents, my parents, tradition, opinions about whose surname was best (mine ) weren't part of our decision.

His parents then disowned their son with the poorly baby who was lying in intensive care for this decision. Anyone who thinks that is remotely ok is a psychopath.

She sounds horrible. Next time you go make yourself a lovely packed lunch/dinner and take it with you and give it to her to go in the fridge saying you've bought your own meal because you didn't get one last time you came.

Oh it's time for NC. It might actually help your DH in the long run, if he no longer engages with them. Maybe this occasional contact with them is doing him more harm than good. Hope he gets the therapy and support he needs (and you get these awful people out of your families life for good!). All the best to you Op.

They might be “the abusers” but there are also “the enablers” and “the victims” - those add their own portion of toxicity and think that only “the abusers” should do something differently. Absolutely wrong. Adults are adults. You are free to choose your own actions. If you do not stand up and can not deal with difficult situations then it has more to do with you than with “the abusers”. Focusing only on your real actions (not really emotions) would be your real solution. Get a therapy and move on. But if you or your DH choose to linger and not act on any unpleasant situations - blame only yourself. Adulthood is just that - maturely understanding what is functional and acceptable and moving on.

I’ve read the thread. Could you invite db and sil (the nc one obviously) to yours? It might help dh start to make a stand if he can get a bit closer to his brother. You could make your reason (once they are there) to be asking them what to expect in terms of reaction from the pil when you go nc / vlc. It would be a good idea to be prepared.

DH is beginning to emerge from the FOG but it's a process. Years ago he would've assumed his mother had made a genuine mistake and now he knows she was being rude. He just isn't prepared for it or doesn't know what to do at that moment.

He won't even suggest that the children and I visit them or see them ever again but he needs to process how he's going to manage seeing them or manage not seeing them.

If he sees them, they'll do everything in their power to manipulate him.

If he doesn't see them, they'll do what they did when they disowned him and pass on messages of cancer scares via his brother.

DH was open to the idea of counselling when DS was a baby. He sorted things out with his parents and they've been on their very best behaviour (due to firm boundaries) so he didn't go through with the counselling.

How old is she? Could she be starting to have memory problems?

I think she is a nasty person! I had similar experience whilst taking daughter to a day out with in-laws and their other children,grandchildren my husband (their relative not mine) couldn’t be bothered to go but I felt daughter needed to be with the family/cousins etc. We made our own way there and in-laws were good with daughter but basically ignored me when they could and bought everyone an ice cream except me! I bought myself one and got the comment “oh, did you want one???” Terrible experience, I never bothered again!”

They are obviously not normal rational people based on their behaviour. I wouldn’t be having anything to do with them. Smacks of them being threatened by you to be honest

I'm really sorry to all of you with parents and ILs like this. It's utter shit.

As ridiculous, petty, mean and rude as MIL's behaviour was to you, I imagine that for your DH it doesn't make the top 10 in their abuse of him. You cannot make him accept counselling or seek help or go NC. You can only control your response.

You should go NC with them and enforce this for your dc as well. That at least takes your interactions with them out of the equation. And you don't have to take their nastiness!

You can only support your dh as he struggles to deal with their abusive relationship. Hopefully he will accept help.

My own parents have said that she might be getting dementia or even just elderly cognitive decline. However, I believe she's always been nasty and manipulative.

Their granddaughter is in her 20s now and they've been foul about her mother since she was at preschool.

DH graduated about 15 years ago and she said "what's the point of having a degree" "I'm surprised you managed it".

Babes: it IS a thing.... you may be working hard on a relationship with them but it's not reciprocated.

What are you going to do when the kids are older because if they're anything like mine, well mannered or not they will hit the roof.

I know you and your hubs think you're doing the right thing but you're not and actually, there's no relationship to salvage.

I'm sorry but your hubs IS wrong, complicated situation or not he should have told them that their behaviour is totally unacceptable and until it changes you won't be returning.

At which point he should have collected you and the kids together and headed off to the beach for the day stopping off for a McDonald's on the way.

Your in laws get away with this appalling behaviour because you both tolerate it.

Enough is enough. Seriously.

All the best. X

ddI1 Obviously not. If it had been a genuine omission, she would have been embarrassed and tried to make amends.