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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh so guess who has just turned up at the house...

122 replies

fuckoffandtakePilwithyou · 19/04/2019 16:01

Pil and partner!

Me and H are no longer together. We don't sleep in the same bed or eat together or do anything together. We take it in turns to have the kids at the weekend. H refuses to move out and I cannot afford to. We have two young children. I am studying in the hope of getting a job so I can move out. I am not prepared to take our children into poverty by just leaving with nothing to go to. I have no family. I have repeatedly told H to tell his family we are no longer together. Pil told H he was coming to visit over Easter. I told H repeatedly to tell Pil we aren't together and that I am not prepared to pretend we are a family (have done that at christmas - was enormously stressful adn I clearly told H I would never do it again). I told him I did not want Pil to come to the house but that he should take the kids on days out with Pil instead. Of course H did not, Pil has unsurprisingly turned up with his girlfriend for the family visit, I am staying upstairs studying - and now I am accused by DH of being a hate filled poisonous bitch who loves making everything as nasty as possible and humiliating him.

I am fucking sick of me trying to avoid these situations by communicating clearly - H ignoring me and then accusing me of being poisonous because I maintain my boundaries. See, this is why our marriage failed - because he always fucking ignored me, created messes and expected me to fix them at cost to myself. Well I am not doing it anymore! We are not together, so fuck off. H is fucking 50. Its about time he learnt to accept responsibility for his own choices. Not that he will. Nothing is ever his fault - always someone else's.

Rant over.

OP posts:
Nesssie · 19/04/2019 16:12

He sounds like a tool and ex partners living together is always going to create issues. But he can invite his parents over to his house if he wants.
He just has to accept that you won’t pretend that you are still together etc and it’s not your fault if that makes the visit awkward.

Original poster
fuckoffandtakePilwithyou · 19/04/2019 16:14

Its not 'his' house, its our house.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 19/04/2019 16:15

I'd nip downstairs and tell them. I agree he can invite people over but he can't ask you to pretend to be married.

Holidayshopping · 19/04/2019 16:18

I’d go down and tell them.

Original poster
fuckoffandtakePilwithyou · 19/04/2019 16:19

I'm tempted to go downstairs and tell them but that's not fair on the kids. H doesn't bother to restrain his emotions for their sake (think angrily grunting and shouting and kicking and punching walls).

All he has to do is bloody tell them. I wouldn't mind saying hello if he did - but I am not fucking pretending. Our whole relationship was about me giving him what he wanted and him ignoring what I wanted. I'm not bloody doing it anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckoffandtakePilwithyou · 19/04/2019 16:21

And if I did go and tell them that would be further evidence of my spite and desire to humiliate him. Any time I assert any agency or control that is me being poisonous and hate filled and spiteful.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 19/04/2019 16:22

Hardly a pleasant atmosphere for your children to be living in , do you have no family that you could move in with ?

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/04/2019 16:24

I still think you need to tell them, your children are now having to lie too. That's not fair on them and it allowing him to bully and control them.

mummmy2017 · 19/04/2019 16:26

You need to tell them, he can only be cross once.

Original poster
fuckoffandtakePilwithyou · 19/04/2019 16:27

No none. I have pointed out to H that it is not fair on the kids, but the fact is he doesn't really care about them either. He likes being with them but it is about what they give to him, in terms of his enjoying being with them. It's not about what he can give to them. He can't conceive of making a sacrifice for someone he claims to love. Just like he was with me.
From his point of view the problem is me, everything would be ok if I would be happy. He has absolutely no sense of me being a person in my own right, with a right to making my own decisions about my life. I am his wife (for life) and exist to facilitate his daily access to his children. Whether this arrangement is best for the children is irrelevant to him.

OP posts:
MarcMyWords · 19/04/2019 16:28

Yes. You have no responsibility to continue to accommodate his lies. Can you get a minute alone with H asap to explain to him that you are going to tell PIL straight what your situation is, no debate, no negotiation, this is it.

Original poster
fuckoffandtakePilwithyou · 19/04/2019 16:28

he can only be cross once

Well that's not true

OP posts:
MarcMyWords · 19/04/2019 16:30

He can decide to be bitter for the rest of his life if he wants to. But you have your plan to get out of this - focus on that. Accommodating his lies isn't your job.

mummmy2017 · 19/04/2019 16:30

What I mean is once they know he can't hide it . .

Quartz2208 · 19/04/2019 16:31

You have to tell them this is worse for your children

Original poster
fuckoffandtakePilwithyou · 19/04/2019 16:32

I did tell him when after I heard Pil come through the door. That was when H went mental accusing me of loving to humiliate him and enjoying creating as much nastiness as I can. If I had told Pil he would have gone absolutely mental - I'm not inflicting that on my children. He's really frightening when he gets like that. He has absolutely no regulation.
And H would try to use it to turn the children against me. He'd probably tell them I was trying to stop them seeing their grandad.

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 19/04/2019 16:36

None of what you’ve said would stop me from going downstairs and telling them.

Asdfghjklll · 19/04/2019 16:37

You really should just tell them. Sit down and do it in a nice way.
You have the power to change this. If he goes mental take kids out and hopefully PIL will tell him to behave.

brizzlemint · 19/04/2019 16:37

You can tell them yourself you know, you don't need his permission.
He's not unreasonable invite them to his home as it's his home as well as yours but he's unreasonable not to have told them

gottastopeatingchocolate · 19/04/2019 16:37

I wouldn't tell them.

But I would behave as if "D"P HAS told them. Say hello, be with them exactly as you would if they knew. If they are puzzled, I assume they will ask "D"P what's up.

FurrySlipperBoots · 19/04/2019 16:39

I don't understand why you're putting up with this situation and forcing the children to as well. Wouldn't it be better to have freedom, even if you have to put up with dodgy temporary accommodation while you get on your feet, rather than force the children to live in such a toxic atmosphere?

screamifyouwant · 19/04/2019 16:42

Sounds like a really shit situation.
Its difficult to know what to do .
If you can be civil and make him understand it's over and the need to tell people.
I suppose until one of you moved out it's not going to get any better .
I knew someone like your h who divorced . He like your h could not understand why his wife would want to leave as far as he was concerned everything was good, for-him maybe . Like your h he treated her as someone who looks after him and the kids not as a person with respect.
If it helps after a lot of shit things got better and now both have new partners and get along ok .

Blondebakingmumma · 19/04/2019 16:43

Would he really kick off infront of the PIL?

5BlueHydrangea · 19/04/2019 16:43

Just say hi then say I'm studying so will be upstairs out of the way. Leave your ex to take things from there.

Original poster
fuckoffandtakePilwithyou · 19/04/2019 16:44

Sit down and do it in a nice way

Its not about how I say it. That won't help limit H's reaction.

Well clearly some of you think its fine for a three and six year old to see their father out of control of himself and grunting and punching and kicking walls and red faced and shouting at their mother that she is an evil poisonous hate filled bitch. I disagree. I am not going downstairs when it means my children will be subject that emotional violence.

I might phone or text Pil later though. Certainly if he plans to come again I will tell him before he gets here.

OP posts: