Oh so guess who has just turned up at the house...

[fuckoffandtakePilwithyou]

Pil and partner!

Me and H are no longer together. We don't sleep in the same bed or eat together or do anything together. We take it in turns to have the kids at the weekend. H refuses to move out and I cannot afford to. We have two young children. I am studying in the hope of getting a job so I can move out. I am not prepared to take our children into poverty by just leaving with nothing to go to. I have no family. I have repeatedly told H to tell his family we are no longer together. Pil told H he was coming to visit over Easter. I told H repeatedly to tell Pil we aren't together and that I am not prepared to pretend we are a family (have done that at christmas - was enormously stressful adn I clearly told H I would never do it again). I told him I did not want Pil to come to the house but that he should take the kids on days out with Pil instead. Of course H did not, Pil has unsurprisingly turned up with his girlfriend for the family visit, I am staying upstairs studying - and now I am accused by DH of being a hate filled poisonous bitch who loves making everything as nasty as possible and humiliating him.

I am fucking sick of me trying to avoid these situations by communicating clearly - H ignoring me and then accusing me of being poisonous because I maintain my boundaries. See, this is why our marriage failed - because he always fucking ignored me, created messes and expected me to fix them at cost to myself. Well I am not doing it anymore! We are not together, so fuck off. H is fucking 50. Its about time he learnt to accept responsibility for his own choices. Not that he will. Nothing is ever his fault - always someone else's.

Rant over.

OP, I'm so sorry it sounds like hell, you are trapped between a rock and a hard place

I really do feel that the criticism of the OP is overly harsh and counterproductive, she must be unbelievably stressed, surely we can be more supportive and constructive, please

OP - I think some people are deliberately ignoring how abusive your Ex is, and others are then pretending that it's soooo easy to up ad leave an abusive relationship.

you sound like you know what your boundaries are and which battles to fight.

BUT - have you looked into ways to get Ex removed from the house? Have you ever reported him to the police for his abuse and violence? In other words - there are ways to get him out of the house if that's what you need. If, however, it will only be a few more months before you can be independent, it may not be worth the short-term aggro. If this situation is likely to be longer, it really would be best to find a way to get him out of the house, or find an interim solutions that doesn't mean your children are living in such a problematic environment.

But the 'free' childcare is no good if it consists of him stamping and bellowing and scaring them, is it? Get some good advice about getting him out of the house, and also about what childcare is available and what financial support to you as a single parent.
Because this situation is actually potentially dangerous for you and DC: this man may well move on to physical aggression against you - or against them as a way to make you compliant.

You need to get your priorities straight, because right now you’re doing everything but considering your children

How do you figure that? I wouldn't be here at all if it wasn't for the children. If it was only myself I had to look out for I'd be gone.

And how is avoiding a violent confrontation by not giong downstairs, subjecting my children to violent outburts.

And stop trivialising what I would be going to as 'substandard accommodation' - its more than that adn you know it (or maybe you don't as you have never lived it).

And its not about not allowing his parent here - its about expecting me to play happy families whilst his parents are here. My point was, if he is not going to tell them - he can see them elsewhere.

OP You're doing the best thing for your future and your children's future.

About 40 yrs ago I did the same thing. It took almost 2 years of tolerating him but when I left I was fully prepared to start a new successful life for my child and myself. I just let my husband do what ever he wanted to keep the peace. He thought he had it made when he discovered that if he stayed out all night I never scolded him or let alone mentioned it - that was until the moving truck showed up. lol.

Get a privately rented house sort out some childcare and a part time job. Leave scum bag ex and tell him to get the house sold. My friend put her self through a law degree whilst also working as a hairdresser! She's a single parent of two young boys and is now doing her masters. They neither live in poverty or are deprived

It's hard to reconcile the idea of the OP saying he is likely to be violent when spoken to with him being suitable for childcare purposes Hearhere It's not surprising that posters are wondering why the children have not been removed from that situation if it's currently that bad.

OP - I think some people are deliberately ignoring how abusive your Ex is, and others are then pretending that it's soooo easy to up ad leave an abusive relationship

Yes they are and thank you for this.

Things got worse under two years ago when I gave up my job and followed H's. Things have got much worse wtih him since I did that and I have seen a side of him I never knew existed. It was utterly devastating to realise the man I had given up my entire life for and was now dependent on. I am incredible proud of how I have pulled myself from that utter devastation, have made a plan and am working towards it to rebuild a life for my kids.

Is he going to start hitting you in front of his father , I appreciate the overall situation is very difficult but don’t see why today is so different? What is stopping you from going downstairs, saying a friendly hello and just letting FIL know you are concentrating on your studies? Then return upstairs & carry on with studying, not getting in a stew on Mumsnet .

It's hard to reconcile the idea of the OP saying he is likely to be violent when spoken to with him being suitable for childcare purposes

He would shout and yell at ME for asserting myself against his wishes.

That doesn't mean he punches walls at anything the children do.

Life is not always black and white, all or nothing.

Is he going to start hitting you in front of his fathe

I never said he would hit me......

The clap back from you is astounding.. almost like you know I'm right, OP

I literally have no idea what you mean there.

Some sensible suggestions...

First thing Tuesday, get sound legal advice (solicitor, first half hour may be free/Citizens Advice Bureau/Womens Aid). CAB &/or WA may have helplines. Determine if you can be legally separated whilst at the same address. Get this done legally & documented.
Establish on record with solicitor/CAB/WA that he is verbally abusive, intimidating & bullying to you & in front of the children.
Get legal advice about getting him out
Legal separation may help yr STBXH move out.
Then share update of your change in marital status with only essential friends & family, because as your STBXH realises that you have taken sensible & serious steps to end your marriage, he will either step up the abuse or throw a strop which possibly involve a self-pity dance with anyone who will listen (for the first time). At worst, he may be physically abusive to you &/or the children. You have said that he does not have control of himself.

It is great that you are studying to move on & expect to be financially independent. But only you are making a deal with yourself at the expense of your own safety & wellbeing, & that of your children. You alone can change the terms of this agreement, such as finding other childcare e.g. be flexible & kinder with yourself. Explore options so that you are not depending on yr H for childcare.

Other providers of childcare are available. If you become single parent, you may qualify for additional financial support/childcare.

Wouldn't it be better to have freedom, even if you have to put up with dodgy temporary accommodation while you get on your feet. No, I don't think so. Because I find it hard to see how I could get on my feet without the free childcare I get from H to help me to study.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3563168-Aibu-to-ask-you-to-listen-to-911-recording-from-6-year-old-EXTREME-WARNING-DV

Perhaps this thread might help you see some perspective.

He is helping you out by going along with your plan to 'leave' him while living in the same house.
You have your own bedroom, you are studying while he helps out with the kids.
You don't have any family so you may not know how it feels to have to explain the situation to someone. He must be humiliated and embarrassed. That doesn't excuse his behaviour.
To him it seems like everything was fine, then you decided you'd 'leave' him by moving to a different bedroom.
Are the person who doesn't make his dinner but makes the kids dinners and you told him you don't want him eating with you and the kids?
When you take turns to 'have the kids at the weekends' does that mean that you leave the premises from Fri til Sun.
Or do you just mean you just ignore them for the weekend?

You're both failing your DCs. He does have the right to invite his family and friends to the house. As do you.
Making your DCs lie; hiding upstairs, etc, is adding to the atmosphere. I've been a child in a toxic home. There isn't any justification that is good enough unless you are frightened of violence or assault but tbh if that's the case then it would be better for your children that you did everything possible to maintain a happy, settled front until you can leave. Pretending to be brave by having angry arguments and trying to lay down house rules about who your DH can have to visit, won't be fooling your DCs.

What you're currently doing may suit you and your DH but it is not benefitting your DCs. Think about what you would advise your DCs to do if they were in your situation. I don't think you'd advise them this was the best way.
I hope you work out a safer (mentally, physically, emotionally) path for you all.

That doesn't excuse his behaviour No it doesn't .

To him it seems like everything was fine Only because he was ignoring what I was telling him about the problems in our relationship and how he was going to destroy it by behaving like that...

Are the person who doesn't make his dinner but makes the kids dinners and you told him you don't want him eating with you and the kids? No, we eat before he comes home

When you take turns to 'have the kids at the weekends I take them out one day, he takes them the other.

He would shout and yell at ME for asserting myself against his wishes. That doesn't mean he punches walls at anything the children do.

It doesn’t matter WHO he yells at and WHY he kicks and punches walls if the children can see or hear this behaviour. Poverty with one calm, stable and loving parent is better for your children’s long term mental health than a toxic environment where there is shouting, instability and people walking on eggshells.

How long is your course? Could it not be done part time?

If he's going to kick off, and that is domestic abuse, I understand.

Could you set you phone to record, then tell PIL? If he's fine, great. If he starts, police with evidence.

Just tell them you've split up and are trying to find alternative accommodation - and now that you need to go and study. No need for any big drama unless you cause one.

I do understand that it isn't easy to up and leave and live with your kids in one room with a chipboard door between you and addicts who will rob your stuff as soon as you go out. With no money and no end in sight no one would willingly take that on.
Is moving back with your parents and transfering your course an option?

The thing is if he is known to authorities as abusive or even if kids say something about dads rages at school then social services could get involved and from the outside it won't seem like you are doing all you can to keep them safe. So you do need to be trying something a bit quicker than studying and hopefully getting a job at the end of it then saving up for a deposit.

FWIW I do not think you should antagonise this man by telling his Pil in fact i would be playing nice until I was able to leave. It's not a huge leap from DV to murder.
Please be careful op

if the children can see or hear this behaviour

I've already explained that I DIDN'T go down so they couldn't see him react like this.

How long is your course?
FInishes end of July

"have made a plan and am working towards it to rebuild a life for my kids"

Well done - time spent in planning is never wasted, and I hope that you have a realistic time-frame for getting away.

If you want PIL to know that you're splitting up, tell him. Yes, whilst under same roof you might have to field visitors from his family, but it might well be easier to bear if they know the basic circumstances of the household. Especially if it'll be a while until you qualify and can secure a job at your new level.

Because otherwise, he'll keep this little play going every damned high day and holiday, and who wants to live with that? The more boring, matter of fact the telling the better, as is having more people around when it happens (harder for him to gaslight, or spread lies round his family, if you're both there and you tell two other adults together)