Oh so guess who has just turned up at the house...

[fuckoffandtakePilwithyou]

Pil and partner!

Me and H are no longer together. We don't sleep in the same bed or eat together or do anything together. We take it in turns to have the kids at the weekend. H refuses to move out and I cannot afford to. We have two young children. I am studying in the hope of getting a job so I can move out. I am not prepared to take our children into poverty by just leaving with nothing to go to. I have no family. I have repeatedly told H to tell his family we are no longer together. Pil told H he was coming to visit over Easter. I told H repeatedly to tell Pil we aren't together and that I am not prepared to pretend we are a family (have done that at christmas - was enormously stressful adn I clearly told H I would never do it again). I told him I did not want Pil to come to the house but that he should take the kids on days out with Pil instead. Of course H did not, Pil has unsurprisingly turned up with his girlfriend for the family visit, I am staying upstairs studying - and now I am accused by DH of being a hate filled poisonous bitch who loves making everything as nasty as possible and humiliating him.

I am fucking sick of me trying to avoid these situations by communicating clearly - H ignoring me and then accusing me of being poisonous because I maintain my boundaries. See, this is why our marriage failed - because he always fucking ignored me, created messes and expected me to fix them at cost to myself. Well I am not doing it anymore! We are not together, so fuck off. H is fucking 50. Its about time he learnt to accept responsibility for his own choices. Not that he will. Nothing is ever his fault - always someone else's.

Rant over.

[MsPavlichenko]

By not telling them , he still has all the control. It is not till you start to "defy" him that will change. I know myself the dynamic of a controlling, abusive relarionship can continue even after separation. Have you spoke to WA, looked at the Freedom Programme? Also the more people you tell in real life the better. Ot also helps break his control cycle. The current situation is clearly intolerable for you, and your DC.

Why not wait until your DC are in bed and then tell your PIL? Remember you can't control his reactions. And that they are not your responsibility but his own. Otherwise there will always be a reason to appease him. He is going to do nothing here. You need to take what control you can.

The sooner you can separate the better. It is a toxic situation for yourDC.

[FindaPenny]

If you can trust ur Pil not to shit stir, I think that sounds like a good idea to tx or phone them.

[fuckoffandtakePilwithyou]

Wouldn't it be better to have freedom, even if you have to put up with dodgy temporary accommodation while you get on your feet

No, I don't think so. Because I find it hard to see how I could get on my feet without the free childcare I get from H to help me to study.


If you can be civil and make him understand it's over NOO)O. It's not bloody how I tell him - its the fact that he cannot see me as a person able to make such a decision. He really can't. I don't exist to him as a person. I only exist in terms of what I give to him. SO he can never accept that I am able to make that decision that it si over, because I dont' exist as a person with agency over my own life.

[IHateUncleJamie]

I would rather be in a refuge than in that awful toxic atmosphere. This cannot possibly be good for your children if your partner has no regulation and gets so angry.

How long have things been like this? How long do you think it will take for you to be able to move out?

[gottastopeatingchocolate]

Well clearly some of you think its fine for a three and six year old to see their father out of control of himself and grunting and punching and kicking walls and red faced and shouting at their mother that she is an evil poisonous hate filled bitch. I disagree. I am not going downstairs when it means my children will be subject that emotional violence

Is this something which you fear might happen, or is this happening? Because that is DV, and the children are deemed at risk if you allow this to continue. You will be seen as not protecting them if you do not make their home safe.

Have you heard of an occupation order? Women's Aid? I appreciate that you feel that by studying and finding a job you can get a route out of the situation, but you might need to move sooner, depending on the likelihood of these kind of emotional, violent outbursts.

[AcrossthePond55]

Well first and foremost, if my H was 'grunting and punching and kicking walls' I'd be calling the police and telling them that my H was angry and frightening our children and damaging our house. And yes, I've been there and done that.

It is BOTH of your house, and unfortunately that means that either of you are entitled to invite whomsoever you wish into it. It would be nice to take the other person into consideration, but you don't have to. If your H decided that he hated your parents and didn't want them in the house, would you really tell them they couldn't come over or would you tell H to 'deal with it or leave'. The only thing you can control is your reaction to it. And if you don't want to take the 'hard way out' by telling your FiL that you and H are separated, then all you can do is take the 'easy way out' by going along with whatever and absenting yourself as much as you can.

I don't mean to be harsh, but it seems to me that you're rather enjoying stewing in your own juices and 'having your angry on' at your H. I can't say that I really blame you, but it's serving no purpose. Either DO something about the situation or don't. Your decision.

[slipperywhensparticus]

He will turn the kids against you he is aggressive violent calls you names punches walls and you "need" him to provide childcare? Are you on fucking drugs? I wouldn't trust that man to look after a fucking goldfish I would rather be a factory worker earning a pittance than live like that

[IncrediblySadToo]

Do the kids know you’re ‘not together’?

[onalongsabbatical]

Ok, I get how difficult this all is, it sounds really horrendous. And I identify with how you’re feeling. But I can’t help thinking there must be a better way through this. How do you actually get on with Pil, and with his girlfriend too? Quite apart from anything to do with your H?

[Zucker]

Ffs you're making excuses. If a grown man starts punching walls and losing his mind you call the fucking police. You're doing your children no good with the charade either.

[OxanaVorontsova]

Tell them whilst they’re there and let them see his reaction - if he finds out you’ve told them later you’ll be on your own with his reaction

[Mapril]

If there was any risk that my children might see their father losing control and kicking/ punching and grunting, then they wouldn't be in the same house as him. At all.

That's not a dig at all btw, I just think that because of the situation you're in, you've maybe lost sight of what is normal and what is unacceptable.

[IncrediblySadToo]

I’d tell PIL when he’s at your house, watch DH go off then tell PIL that he takes him to live with him or you’re calling the police.

[acomingin]

Good plan ^^

[ContessaIsOnADietDammit]

Do you have a helpful friend or neighbour who would come to your house and take the kids to the park or something (or even better, overnight)? You could then tell PIL the truth and spare DC the worst of his immediate reaction.

As for the rest of it.... it sounds very difficult, but the fact that you keep them in the same house as someone that out of control doesn't reflect well on your judgement and could influence SS decisions in future.

[fuckoffandtakePilwithyou]

Either DO something about the situation or don't

I am doing something about the situation - I am studying so that I can leave and support my children. I have separated the lives of me and H which makes living here easier till I can move me and the kids out.

If it was just me I would leave. But I'm not subjecting my kids to what that life means. I know what that life is because I grew up in it. I'm not subjecting my kids to that when I can get qualified and give them something better.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

Every time he punches walls, yells and screams etc, you need to call the police. You may later be glad of a paper trail proving his violence and abuse and it may well help you to force him to move out. The police have people who are trained to help in DV situations. You need their help, just ask for it.
Once he has moved out, you can take care of things like maintenance, which will enable you to sort out childcare (although it would be worthwhile contacting your uni/college to see what help is available in your situation too) and access. Having police records will help you to keep your children safe and to show SS (who will become involved at some point no matter what you do/don't do) that you are capable of keeping your children safe.
In your position I wouldn't want to risk escalating his violence by going downstairs and telling his parents the situation right now, but I would take me time later and send a frank email or letter.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

IncrediblySad
That is a really good plan.

What is your fil like? Is he similar to your ex?

[fuckoffandtakePilwithyou]

what you've expressed is you know best and qont take anyone advice. You said your relationship broke down because he is always ignoring you, making a mess and is angry..... read back and see you and your ExH are very, very familiar in traits

Well firstly, I didnt' come on here for advice, just to vent. But the advice is to take my children into poverty, abandon the course I am doing as I wouldn't be able to continue with it, and probably spend the rest of my life on minimum wage. Its easy to spout that advice for other people, its a lot harder to live it. And even harder to choose it for your children. Call me all the names yuo want, I'm pretty hardened to that now. I'm doing what I think it best in teh long run for my kids.

[Quartz2208]

He would act like that in front of his Dad

[fuckoffandtakePilwithyou]

You're sitting on your arse doing fuck all about it and using studying as an excuse

And you're literally sitting on your arse, bitching about someone's situation you have a poor grasp of, to feel superior and using concern for children as an excuse.

[NoCauseRebel]

So you’d rather subject your children to his violent outbursts than to living in sub standard accommodation?

Seems to me you want to have your cake and eat it. You want to be separated, but you can’t so you want to stay there, with H not having anyone else over because you’ve told him it’s over and because you need him for childcare.

This is his house too. He has the right to invite whoever he wants over, and tbh wrt his parents he has a point.

You need to get your priorities straight, because right now you’re doing everything but considering your children.

[Loopytiles]

As he’s abusive, could you get legal advice to get him out of the house?