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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh so guess who has just turned up at the house...

122 replies

fuckoffandtakePilwithyou · 19/04/2019 16:01

Pil and partner!

Me and H are no longer together. We don't sleep in the same bed or eat together or do anything together. We take it in turns to have the kids at the weekend. H refuses to move out and I cannot afford to. We have two young children. I am studying in the hope of getting a job so I can move out. I am not prepared to take our children into poverty by just leaving with nothing to go to. I have no family. I have repeatedly told H to tell his family we are no longer together. Pil told H he was coming to visit over Easter. I told H repeatedly to tell Pil we aren't together and that I am not prepared to pretend we are a family (have done that at christmas - was enormously stressful adn I clearly told H I would never do it again). I told him I did not want Pil to come to the house but that he should take the kids on days out with Pil instead. Of course H did not, Pil has unsurprisingly turned up with his girlfriend for the family visit, I am staying upstairs studying - and now I am accused by DH of being a hate filled poisonous bitch who loves making everything as nasty as possible and humiliating him.

I am fucking sick of me trying to avoid these situations by communicating clearly - H ignoring me and then accusing me of being poisonous because I maintain my boundaries. See, this is why our marriage failed - because he always fucking ignored me, created messes and expected me to fix them at cost to myself. Well I am not doing it anymore! We are not together, so fuck off. H is fucking 50. Its about time he learnt to accept responsibility for his own choices. Not that he will. Nothing is ever his fault - always someone else's.

Rant over.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckoffandtakePilwithyou · 19/04/2019 17:53

No need for any big drama unless you cause one

Oh for goodness sake - just telling them would cause drama - you've really ignored everything I have said, haven't you?

OP posts:
Coffeeonthesofa · 19/04/2019 17:54

Okay short visit is easy, just let him tell them you are studying or pretend to have a prior engagement greet them in a friendly way chit chat for a few mins, so no need to lie or pretend, then make your excuses, leave and don’t go back til they are gone.
Later or on another day SOON when your DC’s are not at home to hear tell your DH that he needs to tell his parents or you will have to, you can even make some excuse like you are worried you will give the game away by saying something in the wrong way. Whatever you need to do to get through in the short term
are you making your DC’s lie as well or don’t they know you are living separate lives? If they are having to lie then that is not fair. You need a longer term plan I do understand the reality for you is that if he is so unpredictable in his moods and you do split up then if he wants contact you will have no control over how he behaves with them, even abusive fathers have contact unfortunately.
You don’t sound convinced that even after studying that you will be able to get a job, start investigating your options seriously, have you investigated what benefits you might be entitled to if you left and if you could make it work financially. Very few courses are full time these days, could you work part time?
The MN cliche get your ducks in a row, make sure you have important documents in a safe place, could you pack an emergency bag for you and your DC’s without it being noticed, do you have a friend who could put you up temporarily in an emergency?
It may happen that your DH goes completely off on one, even if you don’t do anything “wrong” and you may have to leave to keep you and your DC’s safe. You must start planning for that eventuality.
This short visit should not be your main focus right now.

Anothertempusername · 19/04/2019 17:55

@AcrossthePond55 spot on.

Flyinga · 19/04/2019 17:56

Why would it cause a big drama? Just say 'Hi Jim & Sarah - lovely to see you again, but I suppose I should tell you that myself and Bob have split up and I really need to study now. Help yourself to tea'.

No fucking drama.

Original poster
fuckoffandtakePilwithyou · 19/04/2019 17:57

Why would it cause a big drama?

Because he doesn't want me to tell them and I would have told them.

It's not about reason. It's about control.

OP posts:
WifOfBif · 19/04/2019 17:57

So when your course is finished, then what?

Will you be able to get work straight away? Do you have childcare sorted? How long will you need to save for before you can leave?

If he is being abusive, call the police and they will remove him. You shouldn’t have to live like this until you’re in a position to leave, and neither should your children.

Windmillwhirl · 19/04/2019 17:58

Tell them and end the farce

Flyinga · 19/04/2019 17:58

Just fucking tell them. Problem solved.

SoupDragon · 19/04/2019 17:59

almost like you know I'm right, OP

Except you aren't right at all.

Original poster
fuckoffandtakePilwithyou · 19/04/2019 18:00

are you making your DC’s lie as well or don’t they know you are living separate lives?

No, I don't ask them to say anything or not say anything. They know we we sleep in separate rooms now. They don't seem bothered by that. They just enjoyed bouncing on a new bed.

OP posts:
greenpop21 · 19/04/2019 18:00

I'd go down and tell them.

Flyinga · 19/04/2019 18:02

Ah the innocence. The children don't know what's going on.......

Sorry to break it to you honey, but they know what's going on.

DeeCeeCherry · 19/04/2019 18:03

Well clearly some of you think its fine for a three and six year old to see their father out of control of himself and grunting and punching and kicking walls and red faced and shouting at their mother that she is an evil poisonous hate filled bitch

No OP - you're the one remaining for the sake of bricks and mortar. Your children are paying the price - living in a toxic atmosphere, seeing their dad behaving like that.

You're too scared of your husband to tell Pil the true circumstances and now here you are having a go at people who are at least aiming to advise.

Don't be so sure when your DCs grow up they'll thank you for staying in the house, or that they'll accept it was 'for their sake'.

Save your energy for telling Pil the truth, then it's done.

smallereveryday · 19/04/2019 18:03

How long is your studying going to take until you are in a position to find employment?

Are your studies directly related to a well paid employment in a field with plenty of vacancies? (eg. Social work degree with desperate need for Social workers)
or a more general qualification which you hope will secure good employment? What are your practical plans ?

As for the house , you are married and as he works you are the primary carer. Download the Divorce petition from HMCTS website. Fill it in citing unreasonable behaviour. (The incidents of unreasonable behaviour have to be less than 6 months old at the time you file your petition) reasons given must be things you find unreasonable. There is no right or wrong it's what you find intolerable.

Fill them in , send them off. Force a financial settlement through the divorce process.. and with your share of the property (up to 100% depending upon how much you are awarded ) get on with your life.

You can take these concrete steps to your future WHILST studying.

If he EVER kicks off. Call the police and get an occupation order. Again free from HMCTS website.

Part of me is concerned that you are not doing any of this stuff because you rely on his money. Once you have him out - you can claim benefits. Get a minimum wage job for 16 hrs and claim UC/Tax credits. You will still have study time.

Lots of practical stuff you can do.

HiItsClemFandango · 19/04/2019 18:06

Well clearly some of you think its fine for a three and six year old to see their father out of control of himself and grunting and punching and kicking walls and red faced and shouting at their mother that she is an evil poisonous hate filled bitch. I disagree. I am not going downstairs when it means my children will be subject that emotional violence.

You clearly think it's fine too. They can hear this and can sense it and they will remember it too ( trust me, I still remember a similar situation from when I was 7 and it was awful for me, I was never in the room but could hear everything). Just because he's not shouting in front of them doesn't mean they can't hear it or know what's going on. They already are being subjected to emotional abuse.

I'm doing what I think it best in teh long run for my kids

No you're not. Studying is not a reason to allow your kids to witness and be around abuse and violence. Take a break from your studies, work in a minimum wage job and get some temporary accommodation. Call the police next time he's violent. You'll have to put your kids first and put your studying on hold for a bit.

Original poster
fuckoffandtakePilwithyou · 19/04/2019 18:08

you're the one remaining for the sake of bricks and mortar

No, its not just bricks and mortar and reducing it to that shows you don't understand what you are advising. It's easier to listen to those who at least show an understanding of what leaving means.

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 19/04/2019 18:08

Your children will know that he shouts and bangs stuff around. They know.

Original poster
fuckoffandtakePilwithyou · 19/04/2019 18:09

You clearly think it's fine too

Except I made sure it didn't happen....

OP posts:
Combopanda · 19/04/2019 18:12

Just from my own childhood experience, it's possible your kids are sensing an atmosphere and feeling anxious as to when its a going to kick off. If you dont feel like now is a good time to tell your Pil the situation, maybe you could go down say 'Lovely to see you, i have a really big exam/assignment to study for so I'll leave you all to it.

FaFoutis · 19/04/2019 18:14

I can't see why you are getting a hard time OP. You have a plan, you are doing the plan. It sounds like it won't take much longer for you to get sorted and get out.

If there is no DV staying in a familiar family home is better for the children than moving into a hideous hostel. A hostel is more scary than a miserable and angry father - I have had both (as a child and adult) and I know what I would choose.

As for the unwelcome guests - can you stay out of the way until they bugger off?

turnitdownanotch · 19/04/2019 18:17

What is your plan if you don't get a job straight away?

Flyinga · 19/04/2019 18:18

The OP is choosing to stay for childcare in order for her to complete her studies.

FaFoutis · 19/04/2019 18:19

The OP is choosing to stay for childcare in order for her to complete her studies

That's a good reason to stay. It's part of a long term plan to leave.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/04/2019 18:20

You're getting a pretty hard time here, OP. I think some people forget this is not the AIBU forum (which MN themselves have to remind people is not Fight Club Hmm).

It sounds like you're doing all you can and that you'll be out of there as soon as it's feasible. Sometimes dropping everything and running for your life is the only option, other times it isn't. It also sounds from what you said that H wasn't always like this but has ramped it up since you became financially dependent - sadly a common occurrence. As long as you know how to keep things fairly stable in the meanwhile I don't see that it's desperately urgent to get those kids out of there NOW NOW NOW. But soon... the sooner the better. You already know this, of course.

Combopanda · 19/04/2019 18:21

Just to add, good luck with your studies. Dont give it up to take a min wage job, because chances are you'll be stuck in that and never resume your education. I'm doing something similar myself and I totally get where you're coming from in wanting to complete your couse before you separate completely. Good luck