Oh so guess who has just turned up at the house...

[fuckoffandtakePilwithyou]

Pil and partner!

Me and H are no longer together. We don't sleep in the same bed or eat together or do anything together. We take it in turns to have the kids at the weekend. H refuses to move out and I cannot afford to. We have two young children. I am studying in the hope of getting a job so I can move out. I am not prepared to take our children into poverty by just leaving with nothing to go to. I have no family. I have repeatedly told H to tell his family we are no longer together. Pil told H he was coming to visit over Easter. I told H repeatedly to tell Pil we aren't together and that I am not prepared to pretend we are a family (have done that at christmas - was enormously stressful adn I clearly told H I would never do it again). I told him I did not want Pil to come to the house but that he should take the kids on days out with Pil instead. Of course H did not, Pil has unsurprisingly turned up with his girlfriend for the family visit, I am staying upstairs studying - and now I am accused by DH of being a hate filled poisonous bitch who loves making everything as nasty as possible and humiliating him.

I am fucking sick of me trying to avoid these situations by communicating clearly - H ignoring me and then accusing me of being poisonous because I maintain my boundaries. See, this is why our marriage failed - because he always fucking ignored me, created messes and expected me to fix them at cost to myself. Well I am not doing it anymore! We are not together, so fuck off. H is fucking 50. Its about time he learnt to accept responsibility for his own choices. Not that he will. Nothing is ever his fault - always someone else's.

Rant over.

[fuckoffandtakePilwithyou]

The OP is choosing to stay for childcare in order for her to complete her studies

Yes I am because a vocational qualification will mean I can build a better life for my children then leaving with nothing. I know you are trying to trivialise it as if I am just wanting a student lifestyle or something....

[FaFoutis]

You are doing exactly what I would do OP. I hope it works out well for you.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

OP you address every negative comment and ignore the helpful and positive ones. That's what living like this has done to you. It's made you reactive and stressed.

Try to limit yours and your children's contact with his abuse. Do you have a friend or relative who can/has witnessed the behaviour?

[HiItsClemFandango]

Except I made sure it didn't happen....


You said in your OP * your DH said you were a hate filled poisonous bitch who loves making everything as nasty as possible and humiliating him.* A 3 and 6 year old should never have to hear that or be in the house when he's punching and kicking walls.

[fuckoffandtakePilwithyou]

Thanks to Combo, Fafoutis, Annie and others.

[LordWheresMyShoes]

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I can see you have a plan and are doing your best.

Just a thought - is it worth it just this time to "trigger" H to let his dad see his true colours? Is his dad the sort who might be in any way helpful?

[FaFoutis]

It's not the OP's fault that the children are exposed to that and if she left today it wouldn't stop. He would still see them and he would be even more bitter and angry.
This is not an ideal world, sadly.

[fuckoffandtakePilwithyou]

Hilts, the kids were in the garden playing with their grandparents when I spoke to H.

OP you address every negative comment and ignore the helpful and positive ones. That's what living like this has done to you. It's made you reactive and stressed This is possibly true, or possibly also because of threads I have read when OPs are accused of only answering positive posts and ignoring the negative ones. Maybe a bit of both.

[Flyinga]

A 3 and 6 year old should never have to hear that or be in the house when he's punching and kicking walls.

But the OP thinks she's playing a long game with scant regard for what the children are experiencing right now.

[NoCauseRebel]

L

[NoCauseRebel]

The problem here OP is that you haven’t changed your situation. I absolutely see the need to stay until you can get financial affairs etc in order but apart from that you are essentially still living as a married couple because you are holding off telling people because he has told you not to.

You say that it’s about control and it most likely is. but he can’t control you if you take that away from him. Once you tell his parents that you’re splitting he no longer has the ability to hold it over you. Yes, he may kick off over it, but if it’s not that it’s something else. As you already said he kicked off about you not appearing to play happy families, so either way he’s still calling the shots here.

And while you’re both still living in the house and while you’re still capitulating to his demands there’s no reason why he wouldn’t invite his parents over to visit. Why would he if he’s told you to not tell them anything and you’re going along with it?

You need to take back the control. See a solicitor on Monday and apply for a separation order (yes, you can be legally separated while living under the same roof, me and eXH did it), tell your friends and his parents that you’re splitting. Once the news has been told there is nothing he can do about it. And then start making plans to leave, including seeking legal advice re the financial details. You say the house is in both your names? Is there much/any equity? In an ideal world you would stay in the house with the DC but in truth that sometimes causes more issues than it resolves, and as the DC are very young it’s highly unlikely that this would be agreed as part of a settlement. So if There’s any equity I would fight for as much of that as you can on the basis you’re not currently working and are seeking to be the resident parent and then take it from there.

This is doable but it does have to start with you. And part of that is getting rid of the control your ex has over you. L

[FaFoutis]

Do you think the OP would be able to finish her studies while dealing with solicitors and a furious husband?

[0rachel0]

If telling the PIL is going to cause drama then why do it. It must be frustrating living a lie but if his reaction is as bad as you say it is then I wouldn't want to wind him up around the kids anyway. You only have a couple of months until you finish your course so I would live the lie until then. Or if you can't deal with it any longer move out of the house, finish your studies and get a better job and then the kids can move in with you once you're settled.

[fuckoffandtakePilwithyou]

Well, I need to get on with my studies right now so I am exiting the thread. Sincere thanks to everyone who has posted with the aim of offering constructive advice, or support or understanding.
I appreciate it.

[adaline]

Do you think the OP would be able to finish her studies while dealing with solicitors and a furious husband?

Sometimes you have to sacrifice things like that for your children's happiness, though. All the while she stays, her children are being subject to emotional abuse and a horrible atmosphere in their home.

And of course they know something's wrong. They're not daft.

[puppy23]

Can we all stop victim blaming OP? I'd love to see you all follow your advice when put in that situation yourselves

[FaFoutis]

The studies are FOR the children's happiness. The OP is doing it for them.

[AVeryGoodBadIdea]

Ok, so on the one hand it sounds super stressful and you are obviously trying to improve the situation by studying.

However, I grew up in a similar set up with a mum who to date justifies staying in what was a living hell for my sibling and I (because of the hostility between my parents) by saying she did so for us as otherwise we would not have had the things we had and would have been poor. I can tell you neither of us thanks her for it and are actually very resentful to be used as an excuse to not get us and her out of there.

I am also studying for another degree in a hugely demanding course - there are two single mums with no support from ex-partners one with one and one with three children who are making it work. Not telling you this to put you down, just saying that if you did decide to leave, yes it may make things temporarily even harder in terms of your studying, but it is NOT impossible and it would mean that your children do not need to grow up in an environment like that.

[adaline]

The studies are FOR the children's happiness. The OP is doing it for them.

But the children will have no concept of that at those ages. They just know they're living in an unhappy home with an angry dad who shouts and hits things and a scared mum.

Surely they just need to get out of that situation? They don't deserve to grow up like that. The studying can wait.

[FaFoutis]

You try studying when you are a single parent without decent housing or enough money. It's possible but it's very hard and takes its own toll on the children.

[CanuckBC]

I understand why you are doing what you are doing. Please call the police next time he kicks off. It is considered domestic violence to be punching walls and kicking things. Get it documented for when you move out and access for children is being discussed. The more it’s documented the better.

You are almost at the end. Good luck.

[Horsemenoftheaclopalypse]

Hi OP,

I am not going to lay into you on choices but other people have mentioned creating a trail of proof re:abuse.

You really do need to do this.

Hope your exit strategy works - my mum grew up minimising and “protecting” us from my dad until she was ready to leave.
I’d rather have watched him kick off once rather than deal with the years of abuse...