Received anonymous letter about my new bf. WWYD?

[torquewench]

Hi, apologies if this rambles on a bit but here goes.

Im in a newish relationship (4 months or thereabouts) with someone who lives about 200 miles away. We met via a mutual friend (he sees this friend maybe once or twice a year).

I see him every couple of weeks. We always have a nice time. He always comes down to visit me and I havent met any of his other friends or family. He's seemed absolutely wonderful so far,very attentive, eg buying flowers at valentines and on my birthday recently. This was also the day after his dads funeral and I was actually a bit surprised that he chose to spend time with me rather than his mum and siblings/family. Im mentioning this as someone may think its relevant (not sure if thats the right word).

However in todays post Ive received an anonymous letter (sent to my business address) that says its not being sent maliciously but is giving me some genuine advice and that I should steer clear of him because, among other things: theres a reason he's still single (never married but a couple of LTRs) in his early 50s; I should ask myself why hes picked someone who lives somewhere that no one else knows him; he's a narcissist; hes an alcoholic (he does drink quite a bit when he's with me), bipolar and depressed but wont get help and a few other things. Ive also been sent screenshots of his OLD profiles and the detail behind the screenshot, apparently showing him as being online whilst we were out celebrating my bithday. Also, the letter mentions that he "targets" ladies who had children very young - I had a child when I was 16.

Id not previously worried about anything as regards his behaviour, but on reflection, he does hide his phone a lot - its always face down and he always takes it with him to the toilet and Ive noticed hes been on whatsapp while hes in there. His Facebook friends list is also hidden and Ive noticed that one of his exes (I asked who she is, its his ex fiancee) comments on all his photos, usually really inane comments but shes always the first to pipe up. There is also, now I think about it, some strange bedroom behaviour but i dont know if its appropriate to mention it here so apologies - he never ejaculates, just stops "for a rest". He doesnt have any children.

The letter also bizarrely suggests contacting any one of his ex gfs (and listed a LOT of names over the last 5 years) via Facebook to find out what hes really like.

So ... do I ignore this and assume its from a jealous ex, or do I tell him about whats happened and see what he says? The tone of the letter doesnt strike me as being particularly spiteful or jealous - it does say theyre not interested in getting him back.

Letter also suggests maybe i should set up an anonymous OLD profile to try and "flush him out" as they put it.

My track record with men isnt the happiest to be honest and now Im wondering if my judgment has let me down yet again. But he does seem lovely so far. I cant talk to any of my friends about this as id be mortified.

Given the amount of detail & info in the letter I think I would take it at face value & ditch him.

I would take it very slowly and don't move in with him. he might be no contact with his family, could you ask

I'd personally chose one on the list to send a breezy message too, if they confirm it, you have everything you need to steer clear of him. Someone has gone to a lot of trouble to find out who you are and send the letter to you and give you ways you can verify the info she has given, could be a crazy ex, but I expect there will be truth to it.

Cut and run.

I would not ignore that! Some details have been shared with you which I suppose you could check out if you were inclined but I wouldn’t bother. It would be easy to check out the online dating stuff so maybe do that if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I would personally dump him but if you hang on in there at least be on alert.

Even if it is a jealous ex, the letter is accurate, isn't it?

This is a gift, even if the person who wrote it just wants him back. Let her have him. More fool her, if that's the case.

You mention that you have poor relationship judgement, have you considered the freedom programme?

Btw he sounds really horrible.

A bit weird that they have really come up with anything ‘exciting’ as it were.

If anything it makes him sound a bit boring!

Perhaps there is something more sinister but they haven’t come right out and said it for whatever reason, hoping that you will dump him on this flimsy basis.

How would the person find your name and work address?

Someone involved with him in some capacity has taken the time and trouble to locate you and write to you. But, they haven’t written the stereotypical warning ‘he’s a complete bastard/serial killer/paedophile’ remarks, the letter sounds rather tame.

I’m not sure what I’d do. I think I would message the woman who remarks on his Facebook and ask if it’s her that sent it or if she has received a similar letter.

I also get the vibe from what you have said that this lacks malice.
I wouldn't let him know you have received it but would either do as suggested and flush him out of just dump if you don't want the hassle. I don't know that I could be arsed with the grief so early on.

Sounds like someone’s gone to considerable effort to warn you about him, might be wise to dig deeper. Comment about choosing women with young children is telling, wonder what they are trying to get at? Red flag maybe? Have you tried googling his full name?

Personally, yes I would contact someone/a couple of people on the list to hear what that have to say about him....could save you a lot of waste don’t time, effort and heartache.

I think it is a warning and you should take care.
There are some flags and you know what they are.

I would not necessary end it but be very very weary and aware.
Good luck

I think someone has taken the time to let you know what he’s really like, with all that detail and so many possible women to contact, I’d believe it and I’d break up with him. Additionally you have a relationship history that suggests you miss some of the signals yourself. Don’t be the one who thinks they can change him.

Short version: RUN

I think it may well be from an ex or someone with a crush however I would still set up a fake profile to see what happens and look up some of these facebook ex's but again i'm very un-trusting nosy

Ignore it at your peril.

I think it is someone who wants to share their experience and you would be naive to ignore it. I debated sending a letter to the Ex's new gf as I feel I would have wanted to be warned about him. I have decided not to do it however for a variety of reasons but I genuinely don't want another woman to lose out (financially and emotionally) as I have done.

I would heed the message, LTR is always going to be a challenge and the drinking too much plus poor sex is enough to dump anyway.

If the letter was indeed sent by an ex, unless youre open about eachother and your relationship on social media surely that means he's been talking to someone / them about you recently for them to know when your birthday was and for them to know you was with him.
So either someone who you / him are friends with on social media have been watching your profiles very closely and you may want to clear out your friends list or he's been talking to people about you and obviously has mentioned where you work and other personal stuff.
For them to give you a list of other exs is rather extreme and seems like there is stuff you should be made aware of.
If I was in your situation id actually do what they suggested here ---> Letter also suggests maybe i should set up an anonymous OLD profile to try and "flush him out" as they put it. or i would contact some of the names mentioned and ask what their opinion on him is / is there anything you should know.

Or if you trust him then tell him someone you / he knows has sent you the letter and if he denies anyone would do that then ask him who he's mentioned you & your work place to?

Just warn him if you don't tell me the truth I'll contact the ex's and find out what you really are.

Do you think the mutual friend may have sent it?
All seems rather odd doesn't it

Has he shown any interest in the fact you had your child very young?

I guess you need to ask yourself are you willing to carry on the relationship and ignore the letter and carry on making your own judgement or do you want to just call it a day and find someone who's abit more drama free?
How do you feel about it all op?

He drinks a lot when he's with you, is secretive around his phone, and the sex is bad, and the only thing you really have to say in his favour is that he gave you flowers on your birthday and Valentine's? And you say you have a record of poor judgement with men? I don't think I'd waste my energy doing the detective work on this one.

In some ways all that they are really saying is that he may still be playing the field?

Have you had the exclusivity conversation? If not, then I think that's you starting point.

Then you need to talk about previous relationships, contact with family etc.

If he didn't have a history at 50 that would be odd. The way the letter has been written is very negative. You could rewrite your post to talk about having met a man through a mutual friend (whose opinion you presumably trust) who has battled through mental health issues. He appears to be loyal as evidenced by the fact that his ex's still like him enough to stay in touch.

I know I could be very wrong and I'm not saying ignore the letter but you have nothing to lose by talking to him or indeed showing it to him.

Don't over think what you don't know. Find out more first.

Gosh, well that would floor me.

I might put out a couple of feelers with two of the women listed and see if this story has any legs (as it were, sorry mixed metaphors!)

The alcohol and odd sex stuff would worry me.

But just because it’s not written with malice doesn’t mean to say it’s completely true and impartial either...

Could he have sent it just to see what you do?

Oh I've just read the part that says "it does say theyre not interested in getting him back"
So it's an ex. You have them on social media and have your work place on there too or he's openly spoken about you and where you work to someone and they've passed the info on to his ex? Strange. Ask him to explain himself and what they could possibly mean by making the points they've stated. However there's no way of knowing if he'll tell the truth. Contact the names / create the fake profile.

I think sally has sussed it, id bet it was him who sent it as a test

I'd run for the hills either way