Received anonymous letter about my new bf. WWYD?

[torquewench]

Hi, apologies if this rambles on a bit but here goes.

Im in a newish relationship (4 months or thereabouts) with someone who lives about 200 miles away. We met via a mutual friend (he sees this friend maybe once or twice a year).

I see him every couple of weeks. We always have a nice time. He always comes down to visit me and I havent met any of his other friends or family. He's seemed absolutely wonderful so far,very attentive, eg buying flowers at valentines and on my birthday recently. This was also the day after his dads funeral and I was actually a bit surprised that he chose to spend time with me rather than his mum and siblings/family. Im mentioning this as someone may think its relevant (not sure if thats the right word).

However in todays post Ive received an anonymous letter (sent to my business address) that says its not being sent maliciously but is giving me some genuine advice and that I should steer clear of him because, among other things: theres a reason he's still single (never married but a couple of LTRs) in his early 50s; I should ask myself why hes picked someone who lives somewhere that no one else knows him; he's a narcissist; hes an alcoholic (he does drink quite a bit when he's with me), bipolar and depressed but wont get help and a few other things. Ive also been sent screenshots of his OLD profiles and the detail behind the screenshot, apparently showing him as being online whilst we were out celebrating my bithday. Also, the letter mentions that he "targets" ladies who had children very young - I had a child when I was 16.

Id not previously worried about anything as regards his behaviour, but on reflection, he does hide his phone a lot - its always face down and he always takes it with him to the toilet and Ive noticed hes been on whatsapp while hes in there. His Facebook friends list is also hidden and Ive noticed that one of his exes (I asked who she is, its his ex fiancee) comments on all his photos, usually really inane comments but shes always the first to pipe up. There is also, now I think about it, some strange bedroom behaviour but i dont know if its appropriate to mention it here so apologies - he never ejaculates, just stops "for a rest". He doesnt have any children.

The letter also bizarrely suggests contacting any one of his ex gfs (and listed a LOT of names over the last 5 years) via Facebook to find out what hes really like.

So ... do I ignore this and assume its from a jealous ex, or do I tell him about whats happened and see what he says? The tone of the letter doesnt strike me as being particularly spiteful or jealous - it does say theyre not interested in getting him back.

Letter also suggests maybe i should set up an anonymous OLD profile to try and "flush him out" as they put it.

My track record with men isnt the happiest to be honest and now Im wondering if my judgment has let me down yet again. But he does seem lovely so far. I cant talk to any of my friends about this as id be mortified.

He doesn't sound that great besides the letter. Obviously we all have our own check lists and red flags, but honestly OP...it sounds like you could do better. I'd find that level of secrecy with the phone and social media, not being open about things, the drinking and the crap sex a massive put off . I'd cut my losses and not just settle to have a relationship with someone who has as many red flags and then getting a massive one waving in your face (the letter). Ignoring it would not be a great idea at all. The warning about targeting women who have had children at a young age also feels a bit sinister. I know it may sound over the top, but I'd look into Clare's Law regarding this man if your mutual friend doesn't shed any light onto the subject. You really do need to find out more.

While they're saying it's not malicious and just advice, I don't think there's anything that bad in there.
It doesn't mention DV, child abuse, cheating etc.

It sounds like this person was in a very bad relationship with him and now doesn't want him to move on. I think mentioning mental illness is a particularly low blow on their part.

I'd draw my own conclusions over the next few weeks I suppose. If him being online dating still is a dealbreaker, then that solves it for you, but I'd be a little wary about the intentions behind the letter.

Also, another thing to factor in, is that he is still on good terms with his ex fiancee, so he can't be that much of a villain surely?

This ex is also stalking him, to the point of screenshotting his OLD profile and sending letters to his new girlfriend. On reflection, I'd actually show him the letter and see what he says.

Am I missing something ? Why would he target women who had children young ?

I am assuming you’re middle aged in which case I think it’s unlikely his ex, probably also middle aged is a scorned ex lover. People tend to lose the energy and passion to be this venegeful as they mature - at least I hope.

Added to this if it was all fiction then you’d come up with a much more damming and colourful lie.

It could be that whoever wrote it is a very hypercritical person themselves and making character judgments and making up their own diagnosis but who knows.

Setting aside the letter, hes only there once a month and he needs to take a rest while still inside you. You sound lovely and deserve more.

I think that I would look him up under Claire’s Law as a start and go from there.

I think mentioning mental illness is a particularly low blow on their part.

I disagree. If he was getting treatment for it then it wouldnt need to be mentioned, but someone who has serious MH issues, and bipolar can be, and refuses treatment can be at best unpredictable and at worst down right dangerous. How does the OP know which end of the scale he is on?

@PyongyangKipperbang That's why I asked the OP whether she noticed any signs of 'bipolar and depression'.

NottonightJosepheen

It’s a huge problem as I’d be breaking Confidentiality which is a sackable offence. I’ve seen all of the court judgements/child protection orders from the past 20 years so know it to definitely be true. He didn’t go to jail for having a relationship with a 13 year old when he was 40 because she wouldn’t testify against him and was seen as an unreliable witness. I know several people who have restraining orders against him. Any letter I sent would have to be anonymous obviously but if it got traced back to me I could lose my job and my livelihood I’ve tried NSPCC and LADO to no avail.

I'd contact at least one of the women on the list of exes that the woman who wrote to you provided. No harm in checking him out. In retrospect I wish I'd been able to get some 'references' from exes regarding some of the people I have dated.

Depends on how much you like him. The sex stuff sounds off-putting and the thing about always choosing women who had children young is just bizarre. If he's worth it, ask around his Facebook friends. If not, cut and run. Life is too short for such drama.

Someone has gone to a lot of trouble and laid it out very clearly for you
He sounds dodgy as fu@k

Have you tried social services Eleanor?

Does Clare’s Law show up restraining orders or just convictions?

Now that I’ve read over your post again op I’m not sure. Sorry, i made a few invorrevvt judgments in last post.

Whoever wrote the letter has been carefully monitoring his online activities and knows your birthday.

The whole thing is really suspicious though, even if it is a scorned ex.

I’m not sure the ejaculation thing is such a big deal. It is my understanding that this can happen to men in new relationships (possibly especially older guys) and it goes away over time. I know this isn’t THAT new a relationship, but then you don’t see each other very often, so can’t have had sex that often...... I’d try and discuss it with him tho - see if it bothers him, or if it’s a problem he’s had before.....
As for the letter, it’s just plain weird, but nothing that bad in it. If you like him, and he seems trustworthy, I’d discuss it with him and see what light he sheds on it.
I’m also not sure the phone thing is that bad. I have private discussions with my friends on my phone. They are not in the public domain. That doesn’t mean i’m hiding something sinister - I’m just not about to share all my personal thoughts, or those of my close friends, with anyone else.

@TatianaLarina I think she works in SS!

Eleanor I think that it’s unlikely something would get traced back to you. The well-being of children is far more important than the confidentiality of someone and most courts and boards would recognise that.

I agree that most of what the letter says isnt particularly damning evidence. The quite large number of exes is giving me something to think about though. Ive had a look on Fb at two of the names on the list. One is north of Edinburgh, over 250 miles away from where he lives. The other is in Leeds, a more local 80 ish miles. So it looks like he does prefer a long distance relationship.

I think I would casually ask him who knows about your relationship.
Then see if they match those on fb who you could contact and ask if they can give you any more details.
The fact that he has never married or had children would not bother me.
I'm also curious as to the significance of you having a child at a young age. Maybe that means he doesn't particularly want a partner with young children and that is totally fine.
I wouldn't ignore the letter though.
Do some digging.

I'd message the girls she's told you to. One may be in cohorts and lie but not a few!

Where was the letter you received posted from?

I wouldn’t speak to him about it and I wouldn’t go to the trouble of contacting exes.

You could go online today and set up a dating profile and see if you can find him as presumably you know the website from what she showed you.

The 'never ejaculates' is a huge red flag for me. This is partly what broke up my marriage - he'd go on for hours without caring if he was hurting me or that l had to be up for an early shift in the morning.
We went for counselling (not just about that) and we were told that (so far as l remember) that one possible reason can be because the man has unexpressed anger (either towards his partner, or towards women in general). There are others, though, but that was certainly the case with us.
l'd be doing some digging on the quiet and seeing what l could find out. lt may be malicious, or it may be an ex who is concerned about someone else getting into a bad situation.

He might be a serial dater with lots of relationships with women around the country.