Received anonymous letter about my new bf. WWYD?

[torquewench]

Hi, apologies if this rambles on a bit but here goes.

Im in a newish relationship (4 months or thereabouts) with someone who lives about 200 miles away. We met via a mutual friend (he sees this friend maybe once or twice a year).

I see him every couple of weeks. We always have a nice time. He always comes down to visit me and I havent met any of his other friends or family. He's seemed absolutely wonderful so far,very attentive, eg buying flowers at valentines and on my birthday recently. This was also the day after his dads funeral and I was actually a bit surprised that he chose to spend time with me rather than his mum and siblings/family. Im mentioning this as someone may think its relevant (not sure if thats the right word).

However in todays post Ive received an anonymous letter (sent to my business address) that says its not being sent maliciously but is giving me some genuine advice and that I should steer clear of him because, among other things: theres a reason he's still single (never married but a couple of LTRs) in his early 50s; I should ask myself why hes picked someone who lives somewhere that no one else knows him; he's a narcissist; hes an alcoholic (he does drink quite a bit when he's with me), bipolar and depressed but wont get help and a few other things. Ive also been sent screenshots of his OLD profiles and the detail behind the screenshot, apparently showing him as being online whilst we were out celebrating my bithday. Also, the letter mentions that he "targets" ladies who had children very young - I had a child when I was 16.

Id not previously worried about anything as regards his behaviour, but on reflection, he does hide his phone a lot - its always face down and he always takes it with him to the toilet and Ive noticed hes been on whatsapp while hes in there. His Facebook friends list is also hidden and Ive noticed that one of his exes (I asked who she is, its his ex fiancee) comments on all his photos, usually really inane comments but shes always the first to pipe up. There is also, now I think about it, some strange bedroom behaviour but i dont know if its appropriate to mention it here so apologies - he never ejaculates, just stops "for a rest". He doesnt have any children.

The letter also bizarrely suggests contacting any one of his ex gfs (and listed a LOT of names over the last 5 years) via Facebook to find out what hes really like.

So ... do I ignore this and assume its from a jealous ex, or do I tell him about whats happened and see what he says? The tone of the letter doesnt strike me as being particularly spiteful or jealous - it does say theyre not interested in getting him back.

Letter also suggests maybe i should set up an anonymous OLD profile to try and "flush him out" as they put it.

My track record with men isnt the happiest to be honest and now Im wondering if my judgment has let me down yet again. But he does seem lovely so far. I cant talk to any of my friends about this as id be mortified.

Just re-read your OP and saw he doesn't have children. So defo not the same guy, but I'd still be very wary here.

It would really ring alarm bells for me. At the very least I’d be looking to go up to his area for a week end rather than him coming down to you every time so that you can meet some friends or family and get more of a feel for him as a person I’m his home but I’d also be tempted to end things based on that.

The "chooses women who had children young" could be because he doesn't want children himself and doesn't want to be with someone who has young children or wants to have children - he is looking for someone how has had their children, and they have grown up and moved out.

Just an alternative angle on it...

@NottonightJosepheen Totally agree, I was just about to say the same. Some people just don't meet the right person at the right time, and you don't have kids with just any random for the sake of reproducing.

His phone behaviour is so off though, that's screaming dodgy even before the letter arrived. Someone is giving you the warning they wish they'd received.

This would be my 'checklist'

Treats me well=keeper
Not close to family (ie leaving after his dad's funeral)= possibly a red flag, but his family could be shit
Crap sex = not a keeper, although if it's just that he doesn't 'finish' it could be his form of (ineffective) contraception
Drinks too much = run fast
Secretive around phone = red flag
Never married = might raise my eyebrows but if there's a string of broken engagements/or relationships and he blames his exes, that is a red flag
No kids=could simply be that he doesn't want kids, nothing wrong with that
Anonymous letter= red flag, because it lists people to contact so whoever wrote it knows that their allegations will be backed up by the exes.

Totes up as:
Positive 1 = treats me well
'Unknown'/Neutral 3= no kids, questionable relationship with family, never married
Negative 4 = crap sex, drinks too much, secretive with phone, anonymous letter

All in all, I'd probably dump him. Just too many questions and 'negatives'. If I felt I wanted to continue, I'd definitely try to get answers to my 'unknowns' AND I'd be contacting an ex or two.

Maybe the reason he has never been married is that someone (like a first jealous ex) sabotages every single one of his relationships over the years, so he never managed to meet anyone, is shit scared to introduce anyone new to his fmaily in friends in fear of losing another person, and that influenced him being paranoid and crap in bed.

Probably not, but would make a good film (or not).

This makes no sense. So the writer of the letter says that he has deliberately started a relationship with you as you live a distance away and he can hide anything from you. yet the sender of the anonymous letter knows your name, where you live, your work address? How? If he had something to hide he’d be hiding you from anyone who might want to warn you as well wouldn’t he? Given he’s apparently gone to so much trouble to start a relationship with someone a distance away so they won’t find out who/what he is?

How has this anonymous person got all your details right down to where you work? Nope. Doesn’t sound legit to me at all.

And anonymous letters are the epitome of cowardly behaviour. And they’re bloody creepy when you think that someone anonymous has tracked you down.

The drinking etc would put me off personally, but the rest? The bad relationships etc? If he’d had so many bad relationships they wouldn’t still all be friends with him on facebook would they?

The only one thing I can think is that he’s perhaps already in a long term relationship or even married and this is the wife. Or alternatively that he sent the letter to gaslight you.

I would probably get rid but only because of how creepy this has all turned out.

I’d believe it. I’m thinking about doing similar. A very charming older man has arrived in my small town and bewitched everyone. Unfortunately, I know that he is a Paedophile with a long history of getting women into coercive relationships and a very very sick person. He’s had 10 children removed from his care, got numerous restraining orders etc. He’s charmed his way into every part of our town and he now has a new younger girlfriend with young daughters. I took my concerns to the police and was told I could end up in trouble for harassment and that he has a right to a good life. He’s always represented a danger to women and it’s horrible to know this woman things she’s met a wonderful man when in fact he’s a predator.

In your position, I’m saying get out now. The person who sent the letter may be an Angel in disguise.

Life is hard enough without all this nonsense. I bet you could find someone a lot more normal and nicer.

Someone tried to do similar for me years and years ago. I wish I'd listened! She was 100% right. He was charming, too. In his mid-50s, still single.

NoCause - the only detail they appear to have unearthed is from my Facebook business page. Its my name then what I do. Fairly easy to find via a name search I think. It also links to my website.

If someone was trying to do a number on him and maliciously break up your relationship, wouldn't the letter be a bit more, I don't know - dramatic? The things it mentions are by no means issues that you'd overlook, but if they were making shit up to make him look awful, I'd expect more than that - allegations of abuse or dodgy behaviour around children, for example.

When you met him, did he find out that you'd had a child at a young age before or after you became romantically involved?

The letter doesn't sound malicious. Plus putting the letter aside there's a lot of red flags.

Send a few messages to the names listed. If they agree he's bad news then dump him. Someone's gone to alot of effort to forewarn you. Maybe you should listen?

I'd be inclined to trust the letter. Cut and run.

Don't ignore this letter. However I don't think you need to confront him either. I would be on high alert and watch him carefully. Start expecting more from him - ie a visit to his home town, introductions to friends and family, ask him more pressing questions about his life and his past. You should start to build up a picture and if there are any red flags or he's secretive then you will know something is up. Don't ignore your gut.

I'm not sure op, and we are all different, but stopping for a rest, then carrying on, sounds like he's pumping away for ages. As you don't need to take a rest ,,,if you are doing other things.

And ain't no one likes a man that pumps away for ages. Don't get me wrong, if it's your thing, it's your thing, but unless I'm misreading you, that's what this dude is doing.

The "chooses women who had children young"
Don't think this in itself is weird. He probably wants to be with someone whose children are grown up and settled themselves, which is fair enough

I'm gonna post the Facebook message I received, because I think it gives good context to what I'm saying, but I took it as a jealous ex trying to ruin a new relationship, Sadly in my case, every single word was true. In the subsequent messages I received this woman told me he was a narcissist, and alcoholic, he liked much younger women because they were easy to manipulate and particularly went for single mums.

I ignored it all, and over the next few months I began to realise it was all true. Once I finally ended it, he basically started to stalk me. I'd see his car parked outside my house and work, he'd always be in shops that I was in, despite him having no real reason to go in there (think beauty salons, kids clothes shops etc) and although it was never enough to report to the police, it was scary.

I met DH shortly after, and when he came round for dinner one evening about 3 months later the ex was sitting in his car outside my house. DH went over and spoke to him, I don't know what DH said to him but I never saw the guy again after that.

He probably wants to be with someone whose children are grown up and settled themselves, which is fair enough

Yes, I think she's saying he doesn't like kids, didn't have his own, and chooses to be with women whose children have grown up and left and are unlikely to want more.

It's hard to tell though as it's an odd way to phrase it.

I think the letter writer is giving you the warning that they wished someone had given them to save them a lot of upset and heartbreak.

Does he come across to you as 'bipolar and depressed'?

Even without the letter he doesn't seem like much of a catch. I'd walk away to be honest.

Hi Op, just to add..... my last ex turned out to be an alcoholic and he couldn't ejaculate either. That is the drink!!!! Take that alone as a massive warning sign if you've been told he's an alcoholic.

If you're going to contact the people on the list - complete strangers who you don't know - and then believe them over someone you've known for 4 months (okay, still not a long time but longer than the ex's) then you shouldn't be with him. If you're going to do that you don't trust him, so don't be with him.

People keep saying the sex is crap, but OP has said it's not, it's the 'pulling out' that's weird!

EleanorOalike - that is a terrible situation for you to be in. Surely the Police have a duty of care to let that Mother know?! If what you know is facts then I would risk getting into trouble to protect those children. Just send newspaper cuttings. You can't argue with facts.