Received anonymous letter about my new bf. WWYD?

[torquewench]

Hi, apologies if this rambles on a bit but here goes.

Im in a newish relationship (4 months or thereabouts) with someone who lives about 200 miles away. We met via a mutual friend (he sees this friend maybe once or twice a year).

I see him every couple of weeks. We always have a nice time. He always comes down to visit me and I havent met any of his other friends or family. He's seemed absolutely wonderful so far,very attentive, eg buying flowers at valentines and on my birthday recently. This was also the day after his dads funeral and I was actually a bit surprised that he chose to spend time with me rather than his mum and siblings/family. Im mentioning this as someone may think its relevant (not sure if thats the right word).

However in todays post Ive received an anonymous letter (sent to my business address) that says its not being sent maliciously but is giving me some genuine advice and that I should steer clear of him because, among other things: theres a reason he's still single (never married but a couple of LTRs) in his early 50s; I should ask myself why hes picked someone who lives somewhere that no one else knows him; he's a narcissist; hes an alcoholic (he does drink quite a bit when he's with me), bipolar and depressed but wont get help and a few other things. Ive also been sent screenshots of his OLD profiles and the detail behind the screenshot, apparently showing him as being online whilst we were out celebrating my bithday. Also, the letter mentions that he "targets" ladies who had children very young - I had a child when I was 16.

Id not previously worried about anything as regards his behaviour, but on reflection, he does hide his phone a lot - its always face down and he always takes it with him to the toilet and Ive noticed hes been on whatsapp while hes in there. His Facebook friends list is also hidden and Ive noticed that one of his exes (I asked who she is, its his ex fiancee) comments on all his photos, usually really inane comments but shes always the first to pipe up. There is also, now I think about it, some strange bedroom behaviour but i dont know if its appropriate to mention it here so apologies - he never ejaculates, just stops "for a rest". He doesnt have any children.

The letter also bizarrely suggests contacting any one of his ex gfs (and listed a LOT of names over the last 5 years) via Facebook to find out what hes really like.

So ... do I ignore this and assume its from a jealous ex, or do I tell him about whats happened and see what he says? The tone of the letter doesnt strike me as being particularly spiteful or jealous - it does say theyre not interested in getting him back.

Letter also suggests maybe i should set up an anonymous OLD profile to try and "flush him out" as they put it.

My track record with men isnt the happiest to be honest and now Im wondering if my judgment has let me down yet again. But he does seem lovely so far. I cant talk to any of my friends about this as id be mortified.

Fjfs it has a Manchester postmark. Hes in Merseyside.

I think it’s enough to run

The phone being guarded is awful

@EleanorOalike I think you should send a letter to the children’s school that you’ve reason to believe they’re at risk. You aren’t naming anyone or harassing anyone, but at the same time, you’re at least giving the girls a risk and putting them on someone’s radar.

I would take this letter very seriously, he already exhibits concerning behaviour which you have put aside.

I would walk away personally. Even if pure malicious lies, somebody has still gone to the trouble of trying to cause trouble between you both. Too much hassle for a new relationship.

Stopping for a rest? Really? Do men do that? Typical of alcohol/drug fuelled sex.

To be honest I wouldn't risk it... he sounds dodgy and that letter just confirms it x

Difficulty ejaculating can be caused by lots of things - many medications have this side effect. That on its own wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. However if you already had several concerns about his behaviour, especially the secretive stuff, I would definitely message a couple of people on the list and see what they had to say.

There is another thing about dating women who have had children early, though - that means they tend to have preteen and teenage daughters whilst not necessarily being 'wise' to why that could be appealing to some older males.

Spam - hes never taken drugs when hes been with me. I think it could be a size thing. Lets just say he's not of an athletic build

MitziK my daughter is 32 so no worries for me on that score. Every cloud, and all that.

It seems like a very legitimate letter to me and I would be trusting what the person had to say. There doesn't seem to be malice behind the letter, it sounds like someone is trying to warn you about him to save you the same sort of hassle they may have gone through.

Additionally, I would be wary anyhow, no so much with what is in the letter but from the behaviour you have mentioned in your OP. I find it odd a man in his 50's being secretive and so protective of their phone and the things you have said about him, well, a bunch of flowers doesn't outweigh that.

Iv seen loads of threads on here over the years (with various answers on wether they should) where the op wants advice about wether to contact the new girlfriend to warn them that the op's ex/father or someone is abusive or dangerous or a compulsive cheat or a drug addict/alcoholic etc they know it's odd but they feel morally the unsuspecting person should know so they don't end up hurt or in danger.

Hmm. I think it would bother me that he seems to prefer long distance relationships. After all, most of us end up in LDRs rather than specifically seek them out. Maybe it's true that he has something to hide.

This isn't sounding great tbh.

It all sounds very odd and I would be proceeding with extreme caution. The secrecy with the phone and the non-ejaculation would be the two things that concerned me most.

Flowers on valentines and birthdays would not make up for the rest of his behaviour. It's sounds like you had doubts before the letter? You've noticed red flags in your subconscious but have squished them down until the latter has made you co front the things you'd noticed already yourself.

I'd end it.

Also, it now seems to me, given his extensive number of relationships that commitment could be a problem for him, as its much easier to avoid/ignore someone who's 200+ miles away.

When you mentioned the funeral, are you suggesting that his father might not have actually died?

I felt that I ought to contact STBXH's new gf about something (without being too outing) that he did which was highly unpleasant and could lead to distressing physical symptoms for her. My friends and family talked me out of contacting her. I understand that she did experience what I am talking about and was extremely upset and in a lot of discomfort. I felt very guilty because I could have warned her. She's moved on with someone else now so at least she's ok. I didn't know her but felt she was an innocent party, probably a completely normal girl just hoping to have found a nice guy, who was unknowingly getting into a horrible situation. Perhaps that's how someone feels about you OP? There would have been no malice on my behalf whatsoever if I'd contacted her and maybe there isn't here.

No hes died as he shared a post his brother made about the details of the service. I thought it a bit strange that hed chosen to see me, miles from home, rather than spend the time off work with his mum and family. From what i gather theyre a fairly close family

The thing is life is so short op. It sounds like you’ve had a challenging life, raising a child from a young age. You’re at a great stage of your life (I’ve worked out 48) as your children are grown. You should be with someone that leaves you with no doubts and is a a great fit for this next chapter. Should be someone that whisks you away to a vineyard in Italy for a weekend of shagging, red wine and pasta. Someone to grow old with, read books together and just generally love and live with. Nobody is perfect but letter or no letter, it doesn’t sound fetching. Think about what you want and deserve and go from there, it kind of feels like you’re so settling a bit. At his age and experience he should be making your toes curl or at least trying to.

Also, it now seems to me, given his extensive number of relationships that commitment could be a problem for him, as its much easier to avoid/ignore someone who's 200+ miles away.

That's another nail in the coffin as far as I'd be concerned. I can understand one or two relationships long distance, but it appears from what you say that he serially dates people at long distances. It could be due to him being a total commitment-phobe to being totally dodgy! Be very wary OP!

If his friends list is hidden how did you see his ex-F was a friend?

Might be worth doing the fake OLD profile. I wouldn't message anyone I didn't know to ask, if he is innocent it make you look very dishonest in not telling him that you got the letter.