How to help my youngest adjust to her mother having a boyfriend

[User7889]

I am three months into a new relationship with a man whom we have known for a couple of years. Everything is great with my two older children they are very happy about the relationship, they are 10 and 9. my youngest however is 7 and really struggling to adjust to me having a boyfriend. she does like him but she just wants us to be friends. Her father and I broke up when she was two so she hasn’t ever known me being in a relationship till now, so it is a big change for her and she is struggling to adjust. Her struggles show themselves by being very grumpy and very stroppy and very intolerant. I am just looking for advice as to how to help her with this change. He is very kind to my children, patient tolerant, he’s never had his own children. I don’t feel that we spend an excessive amount of time together, he may stay over twice a week possibly three times in which case he arrives after the children are in bed they will see him in the morning but he is normally out of the door by 8:30 am. Due to his work the children can hang around with him where he works, which we do when they asked to do so, about once this once a week, sometimes for the whole day but usually just a couple of hours morning or afternoon, and then often on a Sunday we will have a roast dinner together with another family as well. I just want her to be as happy as the other two about it all. So any advice would be hugely appreciated on how to help her adjust.

Too much too soon.

Three months and he's staying over up to 3 times a week? Wow.
And once a week you're hanging round his work? And Sunday dinner somewhere else too? Another wow.

As ^, way too much too soon. She's had no time to think about things, to absorb them, to talk to you about it and to come to terms with it. She's used to you being a mum and now she's having to rapidly get used to a major life change. Slow down!

I agree it's too much too soon. He doesn't need to stay over when your dc are there or come to the Sunday lunch. Do your dc see their dad?

Id tone it down a bit and only see him when the kids aren’t around, the 7 year old is struggling so take that as a clear sign this is too much too soon.

Waaaaay too much. Even if she was ok with it, way too much.

I also think its sounds like alot, he is there basically half the time.

I know it's tempting to think "my other two are fine with this situation, so there can't be anything wrong with it - I just need to get the youngest to fall in line" but that may not be the case.

It sounds like this new boyfriend is around A LOT - have you considered that maybe the youngest is doing the "objecting" for all three kids? All the time the youngest is voicing their unhappiness, they can pretend to be fine (even delighted) at the new man, rather than having to express their own insecurity.

Also, have you considered that having him come round so much after they have gone to bed maybe isn't the magical fix you think it is? You think that it "doesn't affect them" and they don't know he's there, but they do - they feel like he is being sneaked into the house while they're asleep and then they are startled by him at breakfast.

I know you want to have a boyfriend and are very invested in everything just being lovely and great for everyone, but maybe ease off a bit.

As others have said too much too soon. How dramatically her little life must have changed in terms of the time you spend as a family within 3 months.

Thank you for the advice, yes I will slow it down very well they do they see their father 3 times since Christmas, I have the kids 99% of the time!! We have been friend for two years, kids also known him or that amount of time, we have grown up living 3 miles from each other in a rural community so it’s not like I’ve met him on line and we have no mutual friends nor know his history!

It's fine for you to want to be in a relationship.

The point is more that your DD isn't ready for someone else to be this deeply involved in her family life so quickly.

I can see that now, we have just been away for 10 days, the first thing the older two children wanted to do when we got back was to go to his, so it’s going to be a tricky time balancing with them wanting to spend time with him and the youngest not.... the next time they are with their father is 11th May. It makes me sad that she feels like this as I just just want her to be happy.

Jeez, drop it down to a dull roar, it's too much, poor kid.

Hmm, sounds like actually you just want her to accept that your bf is going to be around all the time. Three nights a week after only three months? Your DD should be your priority OP, not your sex life.

Well, shit. They're seeing him 4/5 times a week, yet hardly see their dad. They're probably just pleased to have a male presence in their life. For the kids sake, I really hope this works out as they've certainly been flung right in at the deep end.

It’s not up to your older children when they see him.

Tbh, you sound upset that they're not going to their father's more because that means you can't see boyfriend?

I would cut out overnights for a bit, and perhaps stick to an evening dinner once a week and Sunday roast. Take the pressure right off her. And then if everything starts easing up then slowly increase casual time together.

Even without kids, your lives are very enmeshed for this short relationship. What happens if you break up tomorrow?

Don't be guided/fooled by the kids wanting to go over. You are the adult and parent and need to lead this responsibly.

Wow, 3 months in and he is already staying over 3 nights per week and you have 3 young children?

Why have you jumped in to this? Your poor child, of course she is unhappy. My God, my mother was 11 when her mum died and she was adamant that her dad would not remarry or even date again. And your child is only 7.

Why can't you just date him and perhaps get your parents to mind your children every so often so you can have an overnight date? I mean this in the nicest sense, but you have 3 young children so having a man to sleep over is not a priority.

And the more I think about it, really, you probably were not even dating a month when he began to sleep over if you are all so enmeshed already, did you ever think of your children's safety?

At a very maximum it could be 4/5 times a week... but not 4 or 5 full days.... 3 of those times would only be an hour, over the last two weeks we have seen him twice, once for 6 hours and once for one hour.
My children have been my priority for the last 5 years, I have finally met someone special and would like to have a relationship with him. What I am asking is how do I help my youngest adjust, so far from the responses it seems as though I should stay away from him, not have a relationship with him nor allow my older two children to do so just because the youngest is struggling

“so far from the responses it seems as though I should stay away from him, not have a relationship with him nor allow my older two children to do so just because the youngest is struggling”

No one has said any of those things. Everyone has said you need to change the pace of things for the sake of your daughter.

It’s that simple. It’s causing her upset so you change it.

Don't be dramatic, you should just reduce it a bit to give her time to adjust and time to for things to be just you and them. Once or twice a week is plenty.

Jesus, put your kids first would you? It’s great meeting someone but your daughter is clearly not happy with the situation and she is way more important than any man alive.

Once a week is fine, and build up very gradually. And if it gets too much again you pull back. Play it by your daughter’s ear, not what you want or think you need.

Another one here saying it’s way too much too soon. No wonder your youngest is struggling. It sounds like he’s practically living with you.

The fact you are even questioning the fact that your children's needs should come first is pretty shitty tbh.

OK, so your oldest two seem to be less bothered but your youngest is struggling. You know her better than anyone - why do YOU think that is?

What changes when he is there? Does she get less attention, treated as if she is older /younger than usual, does he treat her differently to your other two, is there a particular "role" she is expected to play? (baby of the family, scatty one, crybaby, etc). Do you have less time to listen to her, are you more strict or do the rules change around him?

This one may be a bit less comfortable to unpick, but do you try to present a certain "front" about your family when he is around? If you (consciously or unconsciously) are auditioning them to him as a potential step family, you may be different in ways she picks up on.

What models does she have for romantic relationships? If she had witnessed conflict in couples around her (either in her own family or friends, etc) she may worry that him being your boyfriend will end badly.

FineWordsForAPorcupine Just a quick response to your helpful questioning.... I think she is jealous, she has never know the family unit to change, perhaps she worries that my attention will be taken from her.

My real life friends tell me that I should have more time to do stuff for myself, that I priories my children and their needs too much, I joined a club that involved me being out one evening a week for the summer term, my youngest didn’t even like me to do that, I kind of feel as though she feels like she wants to owns me and control me