How to help my youngest adjust to her mother having a boyfriend

[User7889]

I am three months into a new relationship with a man whom we have known for a couple of years. Everything is great with my two older children they are very happy about the relationship, they are 10 and 9. my youngest however is 7 and really struggling to adjust to me having a boyfriend. she does like him but she just wants us to be friends. Her father and I broke up when she was two so she hasn’t ever known me being in a relationship till now, so it is a big change for her and she is struggling to adjust. Her struggles show themselves by being very grumpy and very stroppy and very intolerant. I am just looking for advice as to how to help her with this change. He is very kind to my children, patient tolerant, he’s never had his own children. I don’t feel that we spend an excessive amount of time together, he may stay over twice a week possibly three times in which case he arrives after the children are in bed they will see him in the morning but he is normally out of the door by 8:30 am. Due to his work the children can hang around with him where he works, which we do when they asked to do so, about once this once a week, sometimes for the whole day but usually just a couple of hours morning or afternoon, and then often on a Sunday we will have a roast dinner together with another family as well. I just want her to be as happy as the other two about it all. So any advice would be hugely appreciated on how to help her adjust.

If he's just 3 miles away I would suggest that he pops off home after you evenings together. My partner and I did this for nearly 2 years so that my ds didn't have to see him in the mornings or at tea time.
A year down the line he stays over once a week, and we do something as a three once a fortnight.
It might be a snail's pace but ds is very content and slowly but surely asking if my partner will be joining us on trips to the movies and things like that.
Would your partner mind going home at night do you think?

On rereading that, I do want them to know we are together! When the time is right for both sets of children. But I don’t want to push for a joint family home. Our kids get on amazingly well, we get requests to go and play, can we have a day out? Etc. But living together is a whole different dynamic

I was in a similar situation to you but way less contact with my boyfriend and my kids. I made a big mistake introducing them to him so soon and having him to stay one night a week. When it ended after 2 years my children slowly came back to me. I apologised to them and promised them I would never make the same mistake again.
I am dating someone new and will not be introducing him for a looooong time. It’s better that way in the long run.
My advice would be to not have him over quite so much. But the biggest would be to sit your children down one by one and ask them how they honestly feel & if there’s anything you could be doing better for them. When I did this to my twoI was stunned at what they said and took it on board. The fact is the children were the centre of your life - especially the younger one and now she isn’t for 3-4 days a week. She is too young to process why this might be. You have to pull back from the relationship somewhat and make her the centre of your life again. Put them first over your boyfriend and make a show of doing so to them. Trust me, I’ve been there. It’s the only thing that works until they are late teens and have a bit of life experience to be able to understand. Hope that helps.
Sorry also you’ve been flamed on this thread. I was too when I asked a similar question, but on reflection the posters were right in their sentiment (just not how they said it) .

And whilst I know you aren’t living together 3 nights a well is way too much way too soon.

If your relationship is good, and solid and worth waiting for then you put your children first. And I say that as a mum who relies on GP for babysitting when I want to see my partner because dad is not an option.

Oh OP, this is so sad. Your youngest can't verbalise what's wrong because she's 7. She doesn't have the tools, the personal insight, the emotional intelligence, the language. She's 7. She just knows she's unhappy.

Your eldest is absolutely desperate for a father figure to pay him attention and to like him and to want to spend time with him. It's not 'David' he loves, nor the fact that you're in a relationship. He's looking for a Dad.

After just 3 months

A week

poppingoff

When I was 23 my mother announced to my brother and I she had a boyfriend and we had had no idea she was seeing anybody and we were utterly devastated we felt betrayed we felt that she shut us out we felt that she had been keeping secrets from us and we were really heartbroken and we really struggled to come to terms with it.

How ridiculous. Yet you think your 7 year old is controlling?!

My father died six months later my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer I immediately came home from university to care for my mother and run the family business 12 months later my mother announced She had a boyfriend, my feelings were what they were at that time as I said above.

Your comment on my feelings “how ridiculous “ It’s unbelievable how can you judge how anybody feels about any situation surely you should accept it and try and help them see things in a different light and tell them they are ridiculous For having such feelings

Op, that's a horrible drip feed and you must know it. You positioned your devastation on your mother's boyfriend as justification on why you've running screaming into this relationship like some sex starved desperado. And now change it to you felt like that due to your fathers passing.

That's really really unpleasant.

OP when I was 11 my mum and dad picked me and my sister up from a holiday with grandparents and in a bit of a tiff my mum announced to my dad (who had recently cheated on her and they had just split up) that she'd been seeing someone else, who we knew as "mum's friend".

Now, that's okay. My mum was allowed that relationship. But I didn't need to know as it has only been a few months, it was weird for my mum to now be romantic with this "friend" because he was just a friend to us!

I was very attached to my mum and it hurt me really deeply as an 11 year old to think of my mum's attention going to someone else.

She regrets it now, she was just a hurt woman who lashed out at my dad. But I felt weird about that for ages.

So from experience, back off with the intensity. Make time for activities with just your children, not the community, just your kids. It's okay to go to places he'll be as long as you're not making a special effort to be together with him. Maybe have him over for dinner once a week. Don't ruin family roast dinners!! And most of all tell her how much you love her and don't go on about him. She doesn't have the maturity yet to fully understand this, so don't worry her with it. In time, you can begin to introduce her but I'd advise at least another year before having him stay over at night, that's a big step.

My daughter this evening said that spending time with him makes her feel sad because she misses her father so we will definitely be spending less time with him. However a few months ago said to me mummy please can we just Skype dad, I do I have to see him. It is difficult to keep up with how they feel about things and I do try my best. She has never said she misses her father.

BreakfastAtLitanies Thank you, that was very helpful

Bluntness100 No not intended as a horrible drip feed at all.... intended to show how out of order it is to tell someone that their feelings are ridiculous

Then op you should have been honest in that post.

And it's as I suspected your son thinks this man is his new father, your daughter is upset at that thought. If this relationship ends your son will be traumatised. If it doesn't, your daughter will be.

I really don't know what you were thinking having this man over for sex in your children's home three nights a week and creating a situation where two of them think he will be their father.

@User7889 I stand by my comment.

Trust me, I've been through some childhood trauma and shit patenting. I don't use it as justification for screwing up my own kid.

Op when I split from my kids’ dad my dd then 6 told me to “go out tonight and bring back another daddy”. I so understand your need to give them a dad and fill that hole.

But funnily enough, when I met my now dh, dd was 9 and reacted the same as your youngest is- even though he never stayed over and we were so careful not to rush, she was STILL insecure and in her words, worried she would lose me.

I agree with others you have rushed things. Go at her pace and If that’s hardly seeing him, so be it. She needs to know her feelings matter. Please put her first.

I feel sorry for your daughter.

Surely your children must come first?