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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to help my youngest adjust to her mother having a boyfriend

117 replies

User7889 · 11/04/2019 13:13

I am three months into a new relationship with a man whom we have known for a couple of years. Everything is great with my two older children they are very happy about the relationship, they are 10 and 9. my youngest however is 7 and really struggling to adjust to me having a boyfriend. she does like him but she just wants us to be friends. Her father and I broke up when she was two so she hasn’t ever known me being in a relationship till now, so it is a big change for her and she is struggling to adjust. Her struggles show themselves by being very grumpy and very stroppy and very intolerant. I am just looking for advice as to how to help her with this change. He is very kind to my children, patient tolerant, he’s never had his own children. I don’t feel that we spend an excessive amount of time together, he may stay over twice a week possibly three times in which case he arrives after the children are in bed they will see him in the morning but he is normally out of the door by 8:30 am. Due to his work the children can hang around with him where he works, which we do when they asked to do so, about once this once a week, sometimes for the whole day but usually just a couple of hours morning or afternoon, and then often on a Sunday we will have a roast dinner together with another family as well. I just want her to be as happy as the other two about it all. So any advice would be hugely appreciated on how to help her adjust.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2019 19:32

Op, you can go to the event, but having him round for sex three nights a week is a bit much,but more than that, what's happening with your kids? Why is your son so desperate to see this man? Is he thinking he's going to be his dad, because if that's what's happening here, that's really much more worrying than your daughter but would explain why she is so worried.

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2019 19:33

I have one son who wants to spend as much time as possible with David has asked three times today to see him yesterday messaged him saying please can you stay over tomorrow night so I can come home with you on Friday morning

This is deeply deeply concerning.

Alsonification · 11/04/2019 19:34

I don’t have much to add to what’s already been said but I feel so sorry for all your kids. No matter how happy they appear to be with your new relationship, this level of contact of your new man with them after only 3mths!!!!! is so completely inappropriate it’s unbeleiveable.
My kids are 16 & 21 and even now if I met someone they wouldn’t even know about it for a minimum of 6 to 8 mths.
Please think of your children.

Original poster

User7889 · 11/04/2019 19:41

When I was 23 my mother announced to my brother and I she had a boyfriend and we had had no idea she was seeing anybody and we were utterly devastated we felt betrayed we felt that she shut us out we felt that she had been keeping secrets from us and we were really heartbroken and we really struggled to come to terms with it. This is why I’ve never kept David a secret from the children And slowly and gently have talked about and introduce the idea of him.

OP posts:

nutsfornutella · 11/04/2019 19:44

Nobody would advise to keep him secret.

I think that waking up and him being there might be disconcerting though. I have an 18yr old son and I'd feel awkward if he'd had a girl stay overnight without me knowing - especially if she ate breakfast as is it was normal.

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2019 19:48

And slowly and gently have talked about and introduce the idea of him

What! If this is slowly and gently, wtf would be fast? 😱

NWQM · 11/04/2019 19:50

Again sorry if this is obvious but have you asked at school if anything going?

Her change in behaviour could be completely unrelated but it's a 'hot' topic for you.

People are saying that you are 'just not listening' and that x behaviour means that she is unhappy with the new relationship but actually both of you could be projecting.

Original poster

User7889 · 11/04/2019 19:50

Bluntness100
You tell me what would you acceptable time likes be?

OP posts:

nutsfornutella · 11/04/2019 19:51

I think you should be more worried about the child who's messaging him excessively. That's an insanely intense relationship when you've only been dating 3 months. I think your DD's reaction is more normal than the texting child.

You don't have to stop seeing your bf completely but perhaps the kids can see him once a week or so rather than 3 times a week?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/04/2019 19:56

And slowly and gently have talked about and introduce the idea of him

I'd hate to see what you think is fast then!

My father did this, as an adult I no longer speak to him as he put his own wants before his children and that was unforgivable to me.

poppingoff · 11/04/2019 20:07

@smallereveryday

*Hi Op.
My DH left his wife and moved in with me and mine the same day.. so burn me at the stake !

15 yrs of happy marriage later everyone is still happy.

I van and does happen. You don't HAVE TO follow the MN mantra but you do have to take your lead from the children.*

Riiiiight. And you took the lead from your children on moving him in, did you??

LetsDialDownTheIanPaisley · 11/04/2019 20:15

Do you all go to his work on a Sunday? What does he do?

Boilerbap · 11/04/2019 20:16

The sudden change in her behaviour is very concerning. Have the school noticed anything?

Your sons behaviour is also concerning. He sounds more attached than now.
Imagine how you would feel if you were to break up. Now imagine being a child and being equally if not more attached!!
Although tbh it sounds more like the kids like the farm than the bloke (which is completely fine and very understandable and normal. I would have been the same as a kid).

You were 23 when you say you were betrayed by omission by your mum (which, I understand, but actually she was an adult and so were you and her love life is her personal business). Very different from being in primary school!

I don't know if you're being purposefully OTT (Not going to community events etc etc) but all you really need to do is spend less time in your kids environment with him. If anything seeing him at a public event is better. It's casual, not in the kids space, and doesn't imply he is becoming part of the furniture. You have to be the adult. None of the kids dictate how often you see him. You make a decision in their best interest .....which is different to making the decision based on their wants. Even if they all liked him it would still be too fast IMO.

I would genuinely run a mile from someone wanting to see me 3-4 x a week after a few months. And I don't have kids
I think its understandable to want to see a lot of one another when you're in the throes of lust and new romance. And it works for some people (and if there are no kids that's their choice)...but it's sensible to take things slowly and build that time up.

poppingoff · 11/04/2019 20:18

And what? You think this is cute? That it proves your daughter is the unreasonable one?

It's screwed up, that's what it is.

Let's hope Saint David is just that.

Boilerbap · 11/04/2019 20:18

@letsdialdowntheianpaisley OP said he is a farmer.

OP does he have his own kids? I'm assuming not as not mentioned ...

poppingoff · 11/04/2019 20:20

How ridiculous. Yet you think your 7 year old is controlling?!

poppingoff · 11/04/2019 20:24

@Boilerbap

She did mention. He doesn't.

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 11/04/2019 20:39

FAR too much too soon. 3x/week sleepovers? But hey, Mum and Saint David are happy and the other two are towing the line so it's only the DD who needs to be worked round. I'd be just as concerned that your older child is messaging this man so often. Your situation at 23 is entirely different to being 7. This man has no children and going for 0 to 3 is a major adjustment.

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 11/04/2019 20:40

You don't help her adjust, you adjust the relationship. You're the adult, she's a child.

CarolDanvers · 11/04/2019 21:19

You need to manage your child’s over attachment to “David”.

Ginger1982 · 11/04/2019 21:24

smallereverday what incredible parenting 🙄

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2019 21:26

Most people would not consider telling their kids they were in a relationship and introducing a romantic partner within at least six months to a year op, till they were sure about it. Because who wants a succession of boyfriends.

They would then introduce the kids slowly to the idea, so nothing changes at home, but let them get used to it for a few weeks.

Then start having joint activities, when the new partner was present.

Bringing him round for a shag three nights a week, a few weeks in, having your child message him constantly and beg him to stay, spending whole days at his is odd, dangerous and potentially damaging for your children.

And your youngest daughter is not your biggest concern. It's your son, and what he is thinking and why he is so attached to this man. A man you have been dating for literally weeks.

As said, is he thinking this is his new dad? And that's what's upsetting your daughter?

BarrenFieldofFucks · 11/04/2019 21:27

Dialing down the community events is less important than dialing down the sleepovers tbh.

I would not be at the stage that you are at for about a year really.

And @smallereveryday you posted almost proudly there...when it sounds very much as if your actions were nothing to be proud of.

Didiusfalco · 11/04/2019 21:28

You need to protect your keen child too. You’re very early in the relationship, if it all goes wrong keen child could feel confused, devastated, abandoned, rejected. He is obviously desperate for a reliable father figure. You can’t be sure your new boyfriend is that. You have to be more protective.

Zofloramummy · 11/04/2019 21:29

Ok so I’m a single mum. Later this month will be the 12 month anniversary of my relationship. My dd knows him, she knows his kids. We all have days out together, we are all friends.
In the last 12 months the number of nights spent at mine when she is here = zero.
They don’t know we are in a relationship. For many valid reasons, we wanted to make sure it was going to work, we wanted to make sure the kids liked each other, we wanted to be sure that his kids were adjusted to being in a two home family (after his divorce), my dd is very attached and I didn’t want her to feel like her feelings didn’t matter and that my relationship with her was not important.
So for many reasons although he is the loveliest, kindest, funniest man I will not be pushing for the kids to know, or to live together. I doubt I’d ever want that tbh. I think separate households where the children are given the attention they need and deserve is the best course of action.

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