How to help my youngest adjust to her mother having a boyfriend

[User7889]

I am three months into a new relationship with a man whom we have known for a couple of years. Everything is great with my two older children they are very happy about the relationship, they are 10 and 9. my youngest however is 7 and really struggling to adjust to me having a boyfriend. she does like him but she just wants us to be friends. Her father and I broke up when she was two so she hasn’t ever known me being in a relationship till now, so it is a big change for her and she is struggling to adjust. Her struggles show themselves by being very grumpy and very stroppy and very intolerant. I am just looking for advice as to how to help her with this change. He is very kind to my children, patient tolerant, he’s never had his own children. I don’t feel that we spend an excessive amount of time together, he may stay over twice a week possibly three times in which case he arrives after the children are in bed they will see him in the morning but he is normally out of the door by 8:30 am. Due to his work the children can hang around with him where he works, which we do when they asked to do so, about once this once a week, sometimes for the whole day but usually just a couple of hours morning or afternoon, and then often on a Sunday we will have a roast dinner together with another family as well. I just want her to be as happy as the other two about it all. So any advice would be hugely appreciated on how to help her adjust.

Of course she wants you to herself, you’re her mother. You’re the only constant in her life, she hardly sees her father and now she’s being sidelined because her mum has found something better to do. It’s not about control, she doesn’t know how to express herself and she’s terrified of losing you. That poor girl.

I think she is jealous, she has never know the family unit to change, perhaps she worries that my attention will be taken from her

Well, is your attention being reduced? Could you make some special time for her to make her less anxious? Change is difficult for everyone, especially little kids, so her struggling with change is entirely to be expected.

I kind of feel as though she feels like she wants to owns me and control me

Wow, OK, that is a very negative emotion you are projecting onto her. And even if we take those strong words at face value, think about it from her point of view - she has already had one parent leave and show very little interest in her - she is not unreasonable to worry that it may happen again.

Kids are dependent on their parents - literally.

I see what you are saying but what do I do about it?
So the things I have done for myself in last 5 years are yoga, I would put her to bed and then go once she was asleep, even that she didn’t like and found hard, I now don’t go because the start time of the class moved earlier so would miss her bedtime if I continued. Children weee baby sat my mum each time who was living with is at the time. She didn’t like me going. It was once a week. I now try and do tennis once a week, again it is my mum who babysits and I do miss bedtime routine, this is one evening a week for 12ish weeks of the year. Other than that I have done everything around my children. Including work, I work when they sleep or at school. We don’t have much money and need to be creative with activities however I make it work as my kids never wanted to go to holiday clubs.
Yes perhaps she is worried she may loose another parent though her father was mostly away when we were together and she doesn’t ever remember having him around

I kind of feel as though she feels like she wants to owns me and control me

She doesn’t want to own you. She’s uncomfortable with this strange man being in her house so often.

Why the rush? Slow things down to a pace your children are comfortable with.

kind of feel as though she feels like she wants to owns me and control me

And so it begins. This is how mother/child relationships begin to disintegrate. My dd is like yours, probably even more so in fact. I don’t think she’s trying to control or own me. I think I am her world at this age and she’s terrified of yet more change and my focus being elsewhere when she had already lost so much at such an early age. Stop listening to your friends too. Focusing on your children is the right thing to do especially when their other parent doesn’t appear to give a shit about them. This “owning and controlling” crap, did you come up with that yourself or was that from your friends?

Also, if you think about it, your seven year old is not getting the attention and focus that your older kids did. They didn’t have to share you for years and got past this age. She isn’t getting that full attention, for the time they did. No wonder she’s the only one not ok with it.

I agree with others that the words you’re using to describe her are concerning “owning and controlling”? Really? She’s 7 and wants her mummy! Nobody is saying you need to martyr yourself and never do anything without them; just scale back on the “happy families” stuff. When your oldest ask to go see him; suggest a family day instead - go for a walk, to the park, google some free activities in your area.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing - I get being in a new relationship is fun and exciting, but you need to tone it down a bit for the sake of your children.

To get her used to you having your own life but always coming back to her, maybe you could ask your mum to babysit again once a week and do your own thing? Whether that’s a date with your boyfriend or an activity by yourself. If she gets upset, don’t quit, just gently but firmly explain that you love her lots and will miss her but you are still going to go out.

Too much too soon. She’s seven you are the most important thing in her little life. Her father doesn’t seem bothered and it’s all on you, I know it’s hard but it’s true.
Slow down.

You are completely missing the point. Yoga, tennis, etc are irrelevant. She is not having to compete with those activities on an emotional level.

You have made it very clear that your new man - of only 3 months - is your #1 priority. She loves you. She wants you to love her. She doesn't want a strange man completely taking over her life. You've bought him into your home, into your bed, into your emotional circle. Everything you do, everywhere you go as focused on him and what he's doing and where he'll be.

No-one is saying you can't have a relationship, just tone it right down. Way down. And focus on ensuring your children know they are the most important beings in your life. Do things for them and with them. Go places without him and where he won't be.

I think you need to talk to your 7 year old and explain that you want to have a relationship with your new man and that this is entirely normal behaviour for adults. You really, really mustn’t let your child dictate the terms of your couple relationship! This would be a disaster in the making further down the line.

‘Owning and controlling’ from a 7yr old.
Honestly OP you need to stop with this.
With this language you are framing your 7yrs behaviour as a sort of abusive tactic. And then asserting that well my other kids are fine with it, puts the blame squarely on her as the obstacle to your fun. Make sure your not making her into a scapegoat.
You may have found someone special, but you still have to prioritise your children, and it’s not as if your 7yr old is out of order considering this bloke is round yours all the time.
And that’s before you even get into the stupidity of having a boyfriend of 3 months sleeping over yours with 3 young children there . Sometimes I think that people sense escapes them for a bit of romance.

Your use of words like controlling is worrying.

I suspect that subconsciously she's terrified of you abandoning her the same way that her father did. (I know she sees him but seeing him so little must be demoralising for her self esteem) I understand that the Clinton was must be exhausting and she has no reason to worry that you're not going to return when you go out but she might be stuck in child logic where her father's departure has made her very insecure.

She needs to see him much less so that she knows that you are her priority.

Yes Maria, A man simply must come before anything else, of course

It’s not that she wants to ‘own’ you. What a silly expression to use to describe a child. She needs you. She depends on you. She is going to be less independent than your other two because she is younger.

It’s not about a man coming first. It’s about the woman coming first, before her role as a mother.

Why the hell would you bring children into this world and put yourself first?

I hope you don’t have children @MariaNovella as you clearly don’t understand the first thing about being a parent.

Too much too soon - 3 nights a week is a huge amount for a new relationship when you have kids. It's a sudden change as well as a new partner. Just slow it down and see how she copes. My life is not like yours but I have a 7 yo dd and I am her world. Same for my 5yo. They just are v needy at that age and get a lot of happiness and security from being with mummy - that's what I thought was normal.

And a woman putting herself must always include having a relationship with a man I’m guessing. Right.

It’s not about a man coming first. It’s about the woman coming first, before her role as a mother

Yet OP didn’t feel the need to put herself first as a woman until a man popped up.

I think its because she was only 2 when you and your exh split. At that age parents are the centre of a childs world. Your other DCs were a little older and so becoming more independent and having a wider circle of people in it with friends. I suspect your DD is just scared of this change and seeing your attention go elsewhere when she is possibly just fearful of losing you. She is only 7 and will have fears that are irrational to us.

I think its great you have found a nice man i would just slow it right down and let her get used to the idea in her own time. Its very early days despite you knowing him before. And lots of reassurance and perhaps special time with her would be good. She just needs to feel secure. Best wishes hope it all works out for you

Hi Op.
My DH left his wife and moved in with me and mine the same day.. so burn me at the stake !

15 yrs of happy marriage later everyone is still happy.

I van and does happen. You don't HAVE TO follow the MN mantra but you do have to take your lead from the children.

Talk to her and find out what her worries are.

My DH left his wife and moved in with me and mine the same day.. so burn me at the stake !

How grim.

This may sound like a simplistic thing to ask but have you talked to her? I know you have said she wants you to be just friends but what does she think the difference is?

Has you checked that she 'gets' the change? I have to say that I frequently have to pull myself up because I realise that I need to spell things out to my two.

My daughter wouldn't really like him appearing in the morning either and would - I suspect - actually be better seeing him the night before.

Do you know if there are any friends who - as a result of a new relationship - have had to move house, lose a pet because the boyfriend is allergic or had to start eating peas... daft I know but is something very simple that could be bothering her having talked to friends or watched x on the telly.

It has moved fast but personally I'm not sure dialling it back is necessary the right thing as actually that's another change to get used it. Then a change when you want to dial it back up.

Plenty of time with her and doing the things she's always liked. My friend exhausted the family with lots of exciting trips as she wanted the intro to the boyfriend to be fun, fun, fun. They were all shattered & it was too much new. I remember her daughter being excited at our house as we were having a pork chop and she moaned about all the elaborate 'impressing' dinners they were having.

It all depends what she says when you ask her what's up.

Has she watched any tv/movies where a guy moves in and turns out to be a bad guy Or one of those story lines where nobody can see that the new partner is a conman except the main child character? There's a lot of negative step parent material out there and it can really linger in a child's mind.

Too much too soon. I get that it might feel like you can go faster because you already knew him as a friend, but the relationship is still very new.

When I met my OH, he didn’t meet the DC for 8 months. Didn’t stay over when they were there for over a year. I talked to my DC about it’s before that but my DD (about 5 at the time) wasn’t keen, so we waited. When he finally did start staying over we kept it at 1-2 nights a week for about another year. Now after 4 years together we’re planning to move in together and the DC are happy with that, but even so, at the moment he probably stays over about 3 nights max when the DC are here.

I think where kids are concerned slowly does it- and if they show signs of being uncomfortable then wait and slow down some more.