How to help my youngest adjust to her mother having a boyfriend

[User7889]

I am three months into a new relationship with a man whom we have known for a couple of years. Everything is great with my two older children they are very happy about the relationship, they are 10 and 9. my youngest however is 7 and really struggling to adjust to me having a boyfriend. she does like him but she just wants us to be friends. Her father and I broke up when she was two so she hasn’t ever known me being in a relationship till now, so it is a big change for her and she is struggling to adjust. Her struggles show themselves by being very grumpy and very stroppy and very intolerant. I am just looking for advice as to how to help her with this change. He is very kind to my children, patient tolerant, he’s never had his own children. I don’t feel that we spend an excessive amount of time together, he may stay over twice a week possibly three times in which case he arrives after the children are in bed they will see him in the morning but he is normally out of the door by 8:30 am. Due to his work the children can hang around with him where he works, which we do when they asked to do so, about once this once a week, sometimes for the whole day but usually just a couple of hours morning or afternoon, and then often on a Sunday we will have a roast dinner together with another family as well. I just want her to be as happy as the other two about it all. So any advice would be hugely appreciated on how to help her adjust.

Please be careful OP. You seem to have gone off like a rocket and i'm not sure how you can back pedal now.
For the sake of your child's mental health I wouldn't advise introducing a new boyfriend to a young child, that has effectively been abandoned by their father, for at least a year maybe two, and then very very slowly and only if it seemed like it was heading towards a serious relationship. I was a single parent myself so i do understand the need for purely adult time. I employed a relatively cheap babysitter - the same one for years that was really nice - and between her and my mum helping out i managed to go out once or twice a week to do something or date.
For you, given your children already know about him, the maximum he should be in your home is no more than once a week, and then only for an hour or two. You need to make it absolutely clear to your 7 year old that she and her siblings are your priority.
Otherwise you will find out you have raised an extremely insecure child (which she clearly is already) turning into a very insecure adult which will affect her relationship with you, her own romantic relationships, her other friendships and her work relationships in future - it really is that serious.
Sorry if that seems unfair but if you have children, they come first and social life second.
My father effectively abandoned me when i was a child (when i was 4) and visited me only three times a year despite living locally, and if my mother had done what you have done i know i would have been absolutely devastated and i know it would have screwed me up big time. Fortunately she absolutely made me her priority and kept her dating outside of the home until i was a teenager and only then she introduced her long term "friend" to me and very slowly. This and only this made me into the secure adult i consider myself to be.

I wonder if your younger DD is experiencing separation anxiety. When my husband fucked off my DS aged 9 really couldn't cope. He became very anxious- and couldn't separate from me to go to school. Got very serious. CAMHS eventually etc. Rationally, he knew I wasn't going to leave him but on a subconscious level he was terrified i might just as easily disappear from his life. Could something like this be going on- she's not controlling you, she is deeply anxious?
I feel for you OP. I'm now widowed and life is so so so lonely. My life is entirely organised around my children. I've been out in the evening without my children 4 times in 7 years. I 'd love a relationship with a nice man.... (but having been a stepchild myself I vowed I'd never put my kids through it!) You really do deserve some happiness - but you do need to step back and help your DD first. If you're mans worth having, he'll step back while you sort it.

Cut right back on him staying the night for now.

You need to remember that she's never experienced a man in your life as far as she can recall, so the thought of this man in your bed, appearing in the mornings is very unsettling for her.

I just want to put this relationship into perspective.
We have known him for over two years the children see him regularly at school because he is a governor there we also go to the same church And we get have been going to the same community events for the last couple of years his nephew and nieces are good friends with my children. In September I started to think realise that I had feelings for him and so I had set my children had noticed so I said that we were going to spend more time together and see how we got on, they asked then if we were girlfriend and boyfriend I explained that no not yet we still needed to get to know each other more before we made a decision like that, we then started dating in December and finally sleeping together mid February... some of the comments make me feel as though the details I have previously given suggest I met him three months ago in a bar and moved him in immediately. I have never snuck around behind my children’s back, always been honest and upfront with them, never let him sleep over with out telling the children first that he may stay over, we have had many conversations. Every time my older two see him they ask to go round, and often the younger one does too. We don’t go every time they ask because I feel that’s too much however what I’m struggling with is to get a halfway house where everybody is happy now that the youngest just today said she does like him and she wants to spend time with him she just doesn’t want us to be girlfriend and boyfriend. For a long time pre-September she had said she doesn’t want me to have a boyfriend and then in the autumn when we were spending a bit more time together and I was talking to the children about the fact that it might become my boyfriend she then changed her mantra (for want of a better word) from mummy not having a boyfriend to mummy not having a boyfriend except David

No good parent lets their child dictate their couple relationship. Putting the child first is not the same thing as giving the child control: it is extremely anxiety inducing for children to have parents who let the children dictate their lives.

Sigh- op you asked for advice and plenty on here have given it. Slow down . Your 7 year old isn't comfortable . You just aren't listening.

And no good parent puts their wants and desires before the happiness of their own children .

It is too much too soon, really. I am 3 months into a relationship and my DCs aren’t even aware I have a boyfriend yet. We confine meeting up to the times my ex has the children. I’ll consider introducing them in a few months if it feels right.

You say you’ve never ‘snuck around behind my children’s back’. This is an odd way to think about it IMO. I don’t really think that deciding to keep a relationship separate from your kids in the early days is ‘sneaking’ more pragmatic and sensible. It’s very early days still and he’s staying over lots. No wonder your 7 year old is unsettled.

Now there is mention of seeing stuff on the telly yes they definitely have done because for a little while my son was bothered and said what happens if he’s not nice to us and you don’t believe us that he is not nice to us Etc. So yes perhaps things like that could be lingering in her mind when I tried to talk to her she doesn’t know she doesn’t know what’s wrong she doesn’t know why she’s upset she doesn’t know why she’s angry she doesn’t know why she’s frustrated these are assumptions I’m making of how she is feeling by the way she is reacting because she’s hitting and kicking her siblings she’s also stealing from them there’s just more than usual amount of negative behaviour from her, And I don’t think she knows why she’s doing it or how she is feeling the only real thing that she said what I’ve said to her is it David is that she wants him to just be friends with me and not my boyfriend. What am I friends has thought maybe she’s just maybe it’s just a phase or hormone surge I don’t know, I don’t like seeing her like this, I just want to be happy

Your kids may have 'known' him for a few years but they only 'known' him as your boyfriend for a few months. He shouldn't be staying over at this point.

Ah right....

It's the telly
It's hormones
It's just a phase

Anything except the truth eh OP?

Could you give her a few prompts to see if she can work out what upsets her? Not at a time when she’s all wound up; find a time for just the two of you, give her a cuddle and then some gentle questions:

Is it because of something she’s seen on TV? (The “mean stepparent” thing)
Is it something she’s learnt at school? (Thinking of sex Ed?)
Something from church (thinking of some sort of weird sex-outside-of-marriage thing?)
Is it something her siblings have said?
Is it because she feels uncomfortable coming into your bedroom now if she’s had a nightmare?
Is it because she’s worried you won’t spend time with her any more?

Don’t get upset or defensive, or interrupt her. If she starts talking, let her finish, then give her a cuddle and thank her for confiding in you; and then you can address her concerns - don’t dismiss them, or tell her she’s silly for worrying.

Well then just say to her you are friends not boyfriend and girlfriend yet. Whats the difference? But please please expose her to him less.. she must feel she is the priority.

Well it's fairly obvious that OP won't be changing a thing that means a compromise on her side. So youngest will have to suck it up, so let's think of ways we can negate little one's feelings so the guilt isn't a problem....muses

Dyrne ...with all due respect it doesnt take a genius to work out what's the matter with her...her father has f...ed off, doesnt bother with her, apart from when he can be a...ed, and now to her, her mother is prioritising some man shes been boyfriend and girlfriend with for five minutes, over her. Jeepers people - get some emotional intelligence.

Have him stay over but make sure he's left before the kids get up.

When your kids do spend time with him, let it be an activity like a farm, base it on the kids, it's not a date.

Try not to be touchy feel around them at first, reassure daughter that he's not taking you away from her.

AskEvans you’re right, I misread the OP’s most recent post and I thought it was a recent thing being unhappy after having previously been absolutely fine with the boyfriend; but i’ve re-read and it looks like the DD has been unhappy from the start.

In which case I revert to my original advice to slow things down and reassure your DD.

At three months of dating they shouldn't even know about the relationship let alone him staying over that much.

Children should always always come before a new partner, it's partner of being a parent. You can choose to listen to your child or excuse it away for your own wants and live with the consequences when she's old enough to realise your choice.

Gosh op this really is, you want this to continue so how do you make her ok with it, it's not about her at all is it, it's all about you being happy.

Three months in and this man is coming round for a shag three nights a week once the kids are in bed. You hang around his work, sometimes for a whole day, and have Sunday lunch together. It's all too much too soon. This child is waking up with this man in her home every other morning.

Even if your kids were ok with it, it would still be too much too soon.

The thing is, you're going to continue running screeching into this relarionship, irrelevant of her feelings. And I'm afraid to say, it's likely you're all going to get hurt at some point,

If he is in it for more than rhe sex op, then he will take it at your child's pace and slow it down.

Onemansoapopera There is no need to be so mean I am really upset about my daughter which is why I am here asking for help I have at knowledged everybody set and spent that we spending too much time together and I will make sure that he’s not around at the house for quite awhile and when he does come round it’s only for a cup of tea and I will break things back in very gently there is an event on in the community on Sunday we’re not going to go now because he will be there. My children have always been my priority and will continue to do so regardless of my relationship, friendships or work . I’m just asking for advice and I’m trying to get my head round round it all to work out what is the best thing to do not just for my youngest but for all three of my children. I have one son who wants to spend as much time as possible with David has asked three times today to see him yesterday messaged him saying please can you stay over tomorrow night so I can come home with you on Friday morning I need to balance the needs of all of my children not just the youngest but saying that does not mean that David will be back in the house any time soon.
As it’s very clear this is the first relationship I have had I am just trying to work it out and do things for the best.
Coincidently as for doing activities with him when we go to here’s we are busy because he is a farmer so my middle child enjoys going there because she likes the cows she likes feeding the calves and doing things like that my eldest just enjoys David’s company he is terrified of the cows yet he’s always wanting to go to the farm and my youngest likes going to the farm to and she likes him she’s just struggling with the fact that he’s my boyfriend.
And from all the advice that has been given we will definitely not be spending as much time with him I’m not going to have him round Till things have calmed down we will miss events in the community and then will slowly start to spend a very little amount of time with him, And I will have to adjust the plan as and where is necessary depending on the reaction of the other two children as well But i take great offence at the suggestion that I’m not listening to any of this advice i’m not looking for their excuses such as TV or hormones I’m just trying to give a bigger picture as to what’s going on in case anybody has any other suggestions or ideas

Hi OP you will probably find that she will feel differently in a couple of yrs max.

M'y DD is 10 and 2 years ago she often used to tell me she never wanted me to have a boyfriend or her a step dad. ( I wasn't seeing anybody just the occasional date she never knew about )

Fast forward 2 years and she started getting upset because she thought I was lonely on the weekends she's at her dads. It turned out her dad had a new girlfriend and had introduced them early on.

Fast forward another 3 months and I'm now seeing somebody I've known 15 yrs and DD has known for 4.
I usually only see him every other weekend.

She couldn't be happier about it now, however I'm wary of too much too soon so there are no sleepovers when she's here,( most of the time ) he occasionally gets invited to an activity we are doing, usually because DD has suggested it.

I suppose in a very convoluted way I'm saying give it some time and don't over do it with your daughter

You don’t have to go all around the houses trying to guess what’s wrong, tv etc etc.
It’s simple, don’t have him over so often and prioritise your unhappy child, anything else is just pure selfishness however you dress it up.
If you don’t you’ll come a cropper somewhere down the line, whether it’s her teenage years, or resentment for you when she’s an adult, your choice OP, it’s just a shame there’s kids dragged along in all this.
I can’t understand how you as a mother can’t see a sad child and not want to make things easier for her, when it’s within your control.

I don’t see the point in not going to a community event because he’s there. That’s completely different from he children seeing him waking up in your bed three times a week.

She hasn’t been unhappy about this from the start today is the first day that she’s voiced that she didn’t want him to be my boyfriend but she only wanted us to be friends previously before he was my boyfriend she would say that she was wanting him to become my boyfriend that she liked him and that she would like that to happen and when he had become my boyfriend she was really happy we just been away for 10 days and they saw their father there for a couple of hours in the afternoon for five of the days. Since we can’t back from holiday and went to the farm for one day (5hours) and he has stayed over once. She was really grumpy while we were on holiday I put that down to a just being very tired because she wasn’t sleeping well sharing the room with her siblings but perhaps it is all to do with the boyfriend I just don’t know or even seeing her father I just find it very difficult to work out what the problem is as she is struggling to verbalise why she is behaving this way.

But by taking it slowly you’re protecting all your children, not just your youngest. It’s very early days in the relationship, you don’t know what is going to happen. Your older children could get very attached to him only for things to go pearshaped after 6 months and they will be devastated.