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Original poster

Am I being played for a fool or would you see this as normal?

27 replies

SteggaSaw · 08/04/2019 13:10

dp and I went away for a few nights last week. It was great fun, as it always is when we're together. But I needed to have a chat with him because we haven't been managing to see each other a lot for one reason or another (we've only managed to see each other a few times a month for the last few months).

Over the course of the last few weeks, on messaging, he has referred to my house as our house, he has found a few events that he thought we would like to go to together and booked them, he has spoken about how much he loves me and how amazing it is to be with someone who totally gets him. These 'loving' messages don't happen every time we speak, I'd say once a week (I'm not complaining about that, just putting it into context).

But in between these, it's like I'm talking to a different person. I don't know what he was doing this weekend (we went away Thurs/Fri - we don't live together) but from Saturday midday till Monday mid morning, I didn't hear from him at all and when I did hear from him today, it was a very short 3 word message. I replied with a question about how his weekend was and I've heard nothing since. His phone is often off completely for a whole day (I can tell as when I message on whatsapp, they aren't delivered).

It is almost as though when he's there he's uber present, full of the right words and actions and then he totally disappears. It's starting to unnerve me a bit and I hate to say it, making me slightly suspicious which I know is an awful thing to be and I'm very much not like that at all.

We have had the exclusivity chat a while ago (months ago). Am I being too over suspicious or would this get you going?

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 08/04/2019 13:13

A new relationship and you only see him a few times a month? Sounds like he's hedging his bets before he makes a choice, highly likely there's another gf on the go. Do you go to his house? Met his friends?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 08/04/2019 13:16

Sounds like he's already attached to me. Being unavailable at the week-end is a massive alarm bell.

BambooB · 08/04/2019 13:17

Get out whilst you can

Original poster
SteggaSaw · 08/04/2019 13:18

I've met some of his friends. We've actually know each other 6 months but went exclusive after 2/3 months (he led that discussion). I've been to his place once but in general we meet at mine or go out (he lives in a flatshare).

Yes it feels to me like he's hedging his bets but he insists it's not that at all. It's such a fine balance between being too suspicious and not suspicious enough with people you meet OLD!

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 08/04/2019 13:18

This man isn't invested in a full time life with you and never will be. The breadcrumbs might be amazing but that's all you'll be getting so you have to decide if you're ok with being treated like an unpaid escort to give him a girlfriend experience when it suits you both, or if you want an actual relationship.

GreenTulips · 08/04/2019 13:19

Odd days to go away!

Can you ask him to book X event near his house and say you’ll bring the wine? See what he says

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 08/04/2019 13:19

Does his facebook status say that he's single? (think I can guess what this answer is gonna be)

TildaTurnip · 08/04/2019 13:20

Could be married or living with someone else I guess? That’d be my suspicious side’s thought.

Original poster
SteggaSaw · 08/04/2019 13:21

Neither of us are on social media (other than stuff related to our work so LinkedIn etc). He's not married I'm pretty sure of that (I weirdly am acquainted with one of his exes but not well enough to speak to her - she works in a similar industry to mine and there aren't many women doing what we do!) but he does have 3 dcs from 2 prior LT relationships so has to spend a fair amount of weekends with them (though if that's where he was, why he can't say it I don't know).

OP posts:
Original poster
SteggaSaw · 08/04/2019 13:23

Yes it doesn't really feel like he's invested in it other than when he's actually with me for whatever reason that is...sigh...I'm not sure there's someone else or whether he's just not that into me (despite what he's saying)

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 08/04/2019 13:23

You've know him 6 months and for the last few months you've seen him a handful of times a month? It will never progress, I promise you.

Original poster
SteggaSaw · 08/04/2019 13:25

Thanks, I think you're right and I just need to end it and move on

we are meant to be seeing each other this week so I'll try have a chat with him and just go our separate ways amicably

OP posts:
onionchucker · 08/04/2019 13:25

Sorry wouldn't trust him at all.
Sounds like he has someone else. He could be married - ie. non-contactable at the weekend. He spends a few days away with you - wife thinks he is working away etc.
Have you been to his before?

How long have you been together and is this long-distance?
I wouldn't be too concerned about only seeing each other a few times a month at the beginning of a relationship but the number/length of occasions should increase over time. I had a relationship like this once which turned into to a steady relationship over time.
BUT in such cases you'd think he would chat to you about what he had done over the weekend etc. Not that you need to know every little but something... eg. he was working Saturday morning, Saturday evening he met up with friends for a drink. Sunday he went out for a hike ... that sort of thing.
No information forthcoming and phone switched off is suspicious to me.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 08/04/2019 13:26

Why isn't he on social media?

Pianobook · 08/04/2019 13:26

It’s the odd not to be doing things together on weekends.

ShirleyPhallus · 08/04/2019 13:26

I had a relationship like this with a guy who was a partner in a law firm and it was fucking exhausting. The times we saw each other was magical but his phone would be going off first thing in the morning to last thing at night so when he’d text me, it was always very short without any actual chat. And because of his work, despite our offices being close by, we’d sometimes go weeks without seeing each other.

I broke up with him after 5-6 months because it wasn’t ever going to change and I hated feeling needy (which wasn’t needy, it was just the basic requirements of a relationship!). I’d advise you to do the same OP. It doesn’t sound like this will ever get better and you’re making excuses for him.

HollowTalk · 08/04/2019 13:28

Why is he referring to your house as his as well when he hardly ever sees you?

onionchucker · 08/04/2019 13:31

x-posted - you answered my questions already!
He could be visiting his children at the weekends but it seems a bit suspicious that he isn't telling you about this. Could he be back together with one of the exes or seeing them on and off?

I broke up with him after 5-6 months because it wasn’t ever going to change and I hated feeling needy (which wasn’t needy, it was just the basic requirements of a relationship!)
I agree with this. Just come out of a relationship where I felt needy and hated it. He wasn't prepared to share enough of his time with me. I now see this as not really that I am needy but that our needs were mis-matched (actually he was a right fucker). I'll be going into any future relationship with this in mind - if the amount of time we each need to spend with each other doesn't match then the relationship can't really work. I think this is probably the case for you - you want to spend more time and he can't/won't give you that time for whatever reason. Therefore you should move on for that reason alone.

fecketyfeck21 · 08/04/2019 13:38

not not everyone wants to be on social media if it's fb etc, nothing wrong with that. i wouldn't suspect someone cheating /messing me about if they didn't have twitter !

NameChangeNugget · 08/04/2019 13:42

not not everyone wants to be on social media if it's fb etc, nothing wrong with that. i wouldn't suspect someone cheating /messing me about if they didn't have twitter

Totally agree, I’d see that as a positive

shakenfizzydrink · 08/04/2019 13:58

Yep he's not invested/and/or is seeing other people. I had an ex like this, I too ended up feeling super needy. He did and said all the right things on the rare event we saw each other, he gave just enough breadcrumbs to keep me hanging on. Turned out he was seeing other people.

Original poster
SteggaSaw · 08/04/2019 14:27

shirley, onion shaken that is exactly it. I'm not a needy person at all but it's making me feel incredibly needy.

shirley yes it's just like that and onion I know exactly what you mean re the time. If there is a genuine reason for it it's one thing but I get the very strong sense with this guy that he really enjoys his time with me but he's not so into it that he wants to spend time investing into a proper relationship.

thanks all - it's really helped to clarify my feelings

OP posts:
Original poster
SteggaSaw · 08/04/2019 14:29

I'm also not on many forms of social media so I don't see that as an issue btw!

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 08/04/2019 15:15

You want something other than what he's offering.
You've tried to talk to him and it hasn't worked.

That's all you need to know.
Focus on your feelings and what you want.
I would end it.

ShirleyPhallus · 08/04/2019 15:19

Ah it’s really tough OP, especially when no one has actually done anything wrong and you like each other so much in person. It’s best to move on now though, I met my now DP a few weeks after ending things with law guy and it was like night and day how different he was in terms of being available. Plus he made me laugh more than law guy and is hotter too ;)

Good luck, there’s someone better out there for you