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Original poster

I've got to end this, haven't I? So fucking stupid.

400 replies

CampfiresAndBeer · 06/04/2019 18:49

My head is in a complete spin and I don't know what to do for the best. I can't think straight.

I've been seeing someone since Jan. Very compatible. He's kind, thoughtful and loving.

But I've been worrying about the fact his ex wife and subsequent ex girlfriend are both far, far, far more attractive than me - slim, fit and beautiful. I'm just not. I'm best described as 'soft and curvy'; more accurately as 'plump'. I don't wear make up, my hair is natural and just left wavy - I never style it. Appearance wise, I'm the right side of 'average' in a good light...

I supposed to be meeting a small group of his oldest and closest friends in a couple of weeks and, to say I've been feeling a bit anxious about it would be an understatement.

I know his friends are going to be judging me on my 'suitability' for him and comparing me to his exes. It's normal and I know mine did when they met him! The fact they judged him favourably is besides the point.

I've been so anxious about it, I've been trying to manage the drive to call the whole thing off - the meeting of friends and the relationship. He doesn't know this. I've been working on talking myself down from just running away from it all but he's just said something that's sent all my barriers up Sad

We were having a jokey text exchange and I responded to something with "ah no, don't say that, I'm already worried your friends will wonder what you see in me!" and his reply was, "Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful".

So he knows exactly what I mean. They will be wondering what he sees in me because I'm not as slim, pretty etc as his exes. And he is also acutely aware that they are going to be thinking that because he also knows it's true. Fucksake, I know it's true!

I'm such an idiot for thinking this could ever have been anything real or proper. My biggest relationship fear is being settled for..

I just need to learn that I'm not cut out for relationships, that this is all I'll ever be - not quite good enough and just stop deluding myself it could ever be anything different.

I'm just so fucking stupid 😢

And really sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
CampfiresAndBeer · 07/04/2019 12:25

It’s not for for him to have to constantly think about what he’s saying; to not compliment his girlfriend on something he finds attractive in you , for fear of you using it as a stick to beat yourself with.

I know Sad

How’s he insulting your intelligence, he said he thinks you’re beautiful and he likes how you make him feel.

Because I'm not. And i obviously know that I'm not. And he's also said it many, many more times to women who are. So he knows it too.

I was comfortable with him telling me I feel safe and happy because I can see how that is the case.

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 07/04/2019 12:30

Criticisms hurt but compliments feel like an insult to my intelligence.

No, compliments are alien to you because of the programming your mother inflicted on you. It’s NOT your “intelligence”, it’s your Inner Critic (i.e. your mother’s voice). Your Inner Critic is a liar. No different to the eyes of someone suffering body dysmorphia or anorexia - what they see in the mirror are distorted lies of their inner critic.

Again, please decide whether you want to live like this or not. If not, you’re going to have to start trusting other people and tell that damn inner critic to shut up.

A good counsellor who understands toxic parents is your friend. As is the book I suggested.

Original poster
CampfiresAndBeer · 07/04/2019 12:31

I'm not ignoring the suggestions for counselling but the last time I had private counselling, the counsellor declined to renew our relationship at the 8 weeks review stage saying that there was nothing she could do to help me.

She said that I had excellent insight into how I felt; why I felt that way; and understood that it was my mother rather than me. Yet it wasn't giving way to any 'improvement' on any meaningful level.

I was assessed for my suitabliity for CBT previously by the NHS and they turned me down for it saying that I already had a good insight and used CBT strategies on myself already and, therefore, there wasn't really anything they'd be able to do to help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
CampfiresAndBeer · 07/04/2019 12:35

I've had counselling on and off in one form or another for self esteem since I was 17.

I use the strategies I've learnt, along with the CBT strategies to get through every day low self esteem stuff.

It works. To a degree. Everyone thinks I'm quietly confident. I'm not. I'm crippled with self doubt and assume everyone is one move away from being done with me.

But my core beliefs remain unchanged.

OP posts:
Belenus · 07/04/2019 12:35

Because I'm not.

Hmm. I spent a long time thinking I was very ugly, because that's what I was told. I look back now at photos from that time and realise that actually, I was a pretty little child. Fuck knows why my peers decided to tell me otherwise.

And it really is a case of handsome is as handsome does. A while back I met a man I felt very attracted to. I was aware that he was basically a normal looking bloke but because I liked him, he was becoming something else. I looked at him and he seemed good looking to me. Then, he started coming out with a load of proto-fascist drivel of the sort that lay behind the recent Christchurch massacre. Right there in front of my eyes, his appearance changed and he became actually quite ugly.

If this man values you as a person, he may well find you beautiful, even if you're not conventionally so. But he is between a rock and a hard place. If he says something you'll agree with along the lines of "no, you're not beautiful" you'll decide he's settling for you and want to ditch him. If he says you're beautiful to him you'll say he's lying and insulting your intelligence.

You are allowed to like yourself OP.

Original poster
CampfiresAndBeer · 07/04/2019 12:36

IHateUncleJamie

I'll have a look at that book. Thanks

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 07/04/2019 12:36

@CampfiresAndBeer
But you still don’t get it do you.

He “thinks” you’re beautiful. That’s his feeling. It doesn’t matter if you don’t think you’re conventionally beautiful or not or if you are conventionally beautiful or not. He looks at you and thinks you are.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 07/04/2019 12:38

Please don’t torpedo this relationship because of your self-esteem issues. You’re with a good man by the sound of things. Maybe he did have slinky gorgeous exes. He’s not with them, he prefers you. If only you could see yourself through his eyes, and not through the filter of your mother’s criticism. I have a friend who has been through similar. She is lovely but cannot see it, and no matter how many times her friends tell her, she doesn’t believe it. Her husband is a kind and supportive man when she’s having a bad day, so she hooked a good ‘un too.

RandomMess · 07/04/2019 12:41

He can have a different opinion to you, agree to differ!

Original poster
CampfiresAndBeer · 07/04/2019 12:43

If this man values you as a person, he may well find you beautiful, even if you're not conventionally so. But he is between a rock and a hard place. If he says something you'll agree with along the lines of "no, you're not beautiful" you'll decide he's settling for you and want to ditch him. If he says you're beautiful to him you'll say he's lying and insulting your intelligence.

I understand 'handsome is as handsome does'. And yes, you're right about the rest of it.

I'd just rather he didn't say it at all.

(Or that it was true.)

OP posts:
baubled · 07/04/2019 12:43

I feel so sad for you OP, it's clear that past relationships have really had an impact on how you feel about yourself.

For what it's worth his friends MIGHT look at you and think "she's not as pretty as his exes" but then they might also say "She's so much more interesting, kind, funny, nice, well suited than his exes" but really they might not say anything at all and their opinions really won't matter that much or last that long. If he was embarrassed by you he wouldn't want them to meet you.

You've had massive shits as boyfriends in the past, you've had your share and it sounds like you're owed a nice one and maybe that's him! He will soon show his true colours if he isn't a good guy and then at least you'll know rather than always wondering "what if" if you end it now.

Could you go to the party with his friends and then afterwards sit down with him and just tell him you struggle a little and the reasons why, you should be able to talk to your partner about things like that and then at least he's aware. It's not asking for compliments it's being honest about something that you're really struggling with.

bloodywhitecat · 07/04/2019 12:43

The facts are that I am less attractive and fatter than his exes. That's just a fact...

By whose standard are you 'less attractive', yours or his? You cannot tell him how HE sees beauty or attractiveness, what one person sees as attractive another person does not. You seem determined to destroy this relationship.

Original poster
CampfiresAndBeer · 07/04/2019 12:57

His wife cheated on him - it's a pretty standard story and I've no reason to disbelieve it. He ended things with the girlfriend when he realised it was more of a rebound thing.

I suppose there is that voice in the back of my head that also wonders if he also thinks I'll be less likely to cheat because I won't have the same opportunity.

OP posts:
BonnesVacances · 07/04/2019 13:03

Why does your view of yourself trump how your DP sees you? It's not fair to belittle his opinion and tell him he's wrong.

His exes may have been high maintenance. His mates may find you a breath of fresh air. His mates' partners may love you because you'll be normal. Sounds much healthier all round tbh.

Original poster
CampfiresAndBeer · 07/04/2019 13:03

By whose standard are you 'less attractive', yours or his?

By anyone's standards. They are aesthetically pleasing.

I just fail on every count. On every objective measure of beauty or attractiveness, I come last.

OP posts:
Original poster
CampfiresAndBeer · 07/04/2019 13:08

Could you go to the party with his friends and then afterwards sit down with him and just tell him you struggle a little and the reasons why, you should be able to talk to your partner about things like that and then at least he's aware. It's not asking for compliments it's being honest about something that you're really struggling with

I could. But I don't find it easy to talk about in real life. At least it would give him the opportunity to confirm my thoughts as much as anything and then I can walk away without wondering 'what if?'

OP posts:
Original poster
CampfiresAndBeer · 07/04/2019 13:12

At least, that's how I feel and how I can rationalise addressing it with him.

Having a conversation with him sounds reasonable but is scary because, depending on his answer, I could end up having no choice but to walk away. And I'd rather not have my fears confirmed.

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 07/04/2019 13:13

I would just go meet the friends. Maybe they are very nice people and you'll want to become friends with them too. If they are not nice, just go no contact with them.
Has your new man met your friends btw?

Original poster
CampfiresAndBeer · 07/04/2019 13:15

Many of his friends and their partners are also friends with his exes.

So I doubt any of them are going to actively prefer me...

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 07/04/2019 13:17

Fake it til you make it.

Go, appear to outwardly enjoy yourself.

Get therapy. Feel the feelings but take rational actions. You might like the book The Chimp Paradox. Your chimp is messing with you right now. Grin

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 07/04/2019 13:19

I'm sorry but you are nowhere near the right headspace for a healthy relationship. You're being unfair on yourself and very unfair on him.

Until you deal with the core issue within yourself it isn't going to make a difference even if hundreds of people tell you the same thing. Which they have on this thread.

Original poster
CampfiresAndBeer · 07/04/2019 13:19

He's met some of them.

Those I've known longest all thought he was lovely and better than any of the men I've previously introduced them to (my exh and the 2 men mentioned upthread).

Those I've only known a few months all thought he was lovely - he got plenty of hugs from them anyway!

Which is how I know his friends will be 'assessing' me because mine did it to him.

I've already met a couple of close family members and his best mate very briefly in passing. He told me what one family member thought of me but didn't mention the others.

So I think I've already had the "well she's not as pretty (etc) as X or Y..." anyway.

OP posts:
Potatonose · 07/04/2019 13:23

Nothing anyone says on here will help you right now. It takes practice to challenge the thoughts you have. What did you learn from the CBT?

RandomMess · 07/04/2019 13:24

I think I would accept that perhaps you will never shift this core belief and it's about learning to manage it.

Please talk to him about your struggle and meeting his friends because of it.

Give yourself a chance. You will at least determine whether he is kind, loving and accepting, if he isn't then Dutch him before the meet up.

Potatonose · 07/04/2019 13:26

Even if people don't like you you need to learn to not care. How do you tell anyway? If someone gives you a funny look maybe they have a sore stomach or they had a bad time that day and want to get home. Usually people are thinking of themselves and their own problems. Not being horrible, I used to think like you and I realised my mum was quite self absorbed and I had picked up her way of thinking. (Not her fault she has her own issues that caused that). If someone doesn't like you, who cares. People have their own reasons they might quickly judge you, their own demons, but once you get past the quick human snap judgment things are fine (if they aren't 15 years old).