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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wedding doubts

138 replies

Lacey2019 · 04/04/2019 15:10

I am very apprehensive about writing this and it is also my first post on here. I am just over 4 months away from getting married and since December I have been having serious doubts. I have been anxious the whole way through and have ignored these. My partner is a wonderful man. He has a great job and earns a lot of money, which gives us a lovely lifestyle. It also makes me comfortable regarding the future and the life we could have once we have children. We have a lovely home and I moved my life to be with him. His family and friends are amazing and they have for the past 4 and a half years been my life.

The thing is, we don't seem to communicate anymore and there is no affection. This is really starting to upset me and as wrong as it is to say, my eyes have began to wander. I have never acted upon this nor would I.

My question is, I feel so so down and low. All I ever think about now is should I or should I not marry him. I would always be looked after, but I just don't feel in love with him anymore. However, the thought of calling of a wedding and upsetting everyone, losing my life that I know and coping with a break up, even if I have doubts, is causing me serious heartache.

OP posts:
cantwait2bfree · 19/04/2019 08:38

Sorry you’re in this very hard situation . I married a wrong man because I had a baby with him it was to please my parents really and to have the same last name as my child.That was 4 years ago I’ve never been happy. Sex is a thing of the past maybe it’s been 2 years now. In my late 30s. You’re young think really hard before you tie the knot. You’re friends are not helping they’re just seeing the comfortable life you have.

pinkground202 · 19/04/2019 08:54

Do you think he would go to counselling with you? Could you explain that you are having serious doubts and why, but you want to try counselling before you call off the wedding. If he is willing to try to work things out then you have a chance to talk things through with an unbiased mediator and I think it would help you to see that your concerns and worries about the relationship are legitimate.

If he's not willing to try counselling then that tells you a lot. You are very young, don't settle, I know it seems terrifying to leave the comfortable life you know, but be brave, you deserve to be truly happy.

You really need to talk to someone in RL, what about your bridesmaids? Letting it all out will be a huge relief and will help you to think straight.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 19/04/2019 08:59

@CKWatt is right...you need to get a grip - and fast! Your getting a lot of support here but you need to take action as the longer you leave it , the harder it will be. You will be on here in less than a year with a name change to something like " wishi'dlistened backthen" asking for advice on how to leave a marriage after such a short time.

Tell him it's off and start a list of steps you need to take to let people know, cancel things etc. Do you have any one who will have your back ? (Not the friend with the rubbish advice- are they by any chance partners of his friends?). It will be daunting and awful but not as bad as a divorce.

I had doubts on my wedding day/pre wedding as partner did not show affection or put me first. But I loved him so much. Divorcing now after more than 20 years of feeling second best and begging for affection. It really destroys you OP. He won't change - in fact, likely to get worse once you are " officially his". No offence meant here - but could you be seen as a "trophy wife"?

ScoobyCan · 19/04/2019 09:06

I wish I had had the courage to cancel my wedding. 10 years down the line and in the throes of a hideously acrimonious divorce.

The thing is, we don't seem to communicate anymore and there is no affection. This is really starting to upset me and as wrong as it is to say, my eyes have began to wander. I have never acted upon this nor would I.

This really resonated with me. It never improved. Don't do it @Lacey2019 - I wasted a decade of my life with him. Thanks

ElsieMc · 19/04/2019 09:08

Please don't marry this man. My dd married a man I knew she didnt really love and I told her not to, even though I had absolutely nothing against him and we remain in contact and are friends.

A week before he proposed, she rang me and said she wasn't sure about him. I told her she had to end things because it wasn't fair on either of them. She initially said no to him,then for some inexplicable reason changed her mind and said yes.

A decade on, she told him to leave. They have children together but are co-parenting okay.

Over the past 12 months she was increasingly unhappy and couldn't even bear to be in the same room as him. She said she hated him laying in bed beside her. Just awful. Do not be this woman op. Your doubts are there for a reason, your instincts are warning you not to do it. I do understand that it is far easier to remain with the status quo but you want affection, warmth, love, happiness and this is not what he is providing.

Can you speak to your own parents? Do not listen if you are told the wedding is booked etc, do not let the weight of obligation force you into a big mistake.

something2say · 19/04/2019 09:20

I think, to help you the most, I'd ask you two things.

Of all the people in your life, which solitary one could you ring up right now and blurt this all out to?

And, when it's all over and the dust has settled, where might you live? How might you realign things so as to be happy? What could the future look like?

I can say as a 44 year old woman that there IS life after the split, and it is better than the dead relationship that you constantly question.

This is an important time in your life because wrong or right could happen. Just tell someone. And then realign going forward. Be brave x everyone has to sooner or later. But use your friends as you are not alone xxxxxx

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 19/04/2019 09:20

Thank you all. I will speak to him this weekend. Last night I just wanted to cry at home with him, it’s more of a sadness in yourself that things don’t work.

An option would be to just pay for his family back for the hen party and me still go with my friends. Another option is for them to still come if they wish

OP posts:
pinkground202 · 19/04/2019 09:33

Try not to get to hung up on the practicalities of who pays for what just now. Focus on yourself, what you want. We are brought up to be good girls and put everyone else's needs first but now is not the time for that. Just think about what's right for YOU

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 19/04/2019 15:00

Thank you x that’s really lovely to read

OP posts:
Wauden · 19/04/2019 15:13

A bit of a different look at things, but is he secretly gay and needs you as a cover?

IncrediblySadToo · 19/04/2019 15:23

You don’t need to ‘talk to him’ you just need to TELL him. Don’t let him guilt you in to getting married.

As for your Hen party - I would cancel and get any money back that you can. As your friend I’d FAR rather lose money I’d spent on your hen party/wedding than have you marry someone you don’t want to.

It is NOT ‘too much to throw away’. You’re NOT happy. At the point in your relationship you should be the happiest you’ve been (so far) you’re miserable.

You can’t get married to keep anyone else happy or not disappointed. This is YOUR life.

ItsAGo · 19/04/2019 15:33

It sounds like he has already checked out of the marriage and he’s hoping that you will end it to save him doing it/save his reputation.

If my friend cancelled their wedding, I would know how hard it was for them to do that completely and not worry about the money. I would also think that they would happily still go on a girls trip with you to support you.

Well done for being brave now. The easy thing to do would be get married miserable and divorce later. But doing this hard thing now means your life starts and you can find your mr right and be happy.

ItsAGo · 19/04/2019 15:34

I’d rather be happily married living in a flat than with someone I know didn’t live me and living in a country manor. Some do marry for money but I Absolutley married for love and I have never regretted that and it’s for us through some tough times.

Northernlass101 · 19/04/2019 15:36

You can do this OP!

I cancelled everything after 8 months within 24 hours and notified the guests.

I was plagued with anxeity for weeks. The next day after it was done I felt so free and much stronger!!!!!

Xx

CKWattisthemanager · 19/04/2019 16:01

You need to speak to your chief bridesmaid as she is the one that should help you out of this if at all possible. Is it worth asking her if she will deal with all the cancellations etc. on your behalf?
Paying people back for losses is cheaper by a country mile than a divorce and a tonne of counselling two years from now.

Wauden · 19/04/2019 22:17

Better a broken engagement than a broken marriage.

Alondra · 20/04/2019 08:18

Lacey, it's going to be tough. You care for him, you care for the "future" of this relationship even if the future is unsustainable considering the present problems.

I think you will benefit having a chat with a relationship therapist. Someone you can talk to in real life and with plenty of experience. You still have plenty of time ahead of you, spend it wisely by engaging a professional working with you. Eight sessions twice a week should be enough to gain the clarity you are seeking.

another20 · 20/04/2019 13:45

Just take one simple step at a time and then it will all unravel with its own momentum.

Get the genie out of the bottle:

  1. TELL HIM right now. - what then happens next will evolve over the coming days.
  1. TELL your Mum, siblings, friends immediately after - again they will work out what to do with the hen do.

Keep a simple rinse and repeat approach. Say what you need to say. Expect them to try to talk you out of it etc - but just rinse and repeat and say it again.

It’s not an objective thing about good/bad/money etc. It’s and emotional status - that you are not happy don’t want to be married.

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 21/04/2019 19:45

Thank you all.

I am having a night now deciding how to approach a conversation to end things. I understand that people will hate me

OP posts:
ahtellthee · 21/04/2019 19:50

Good luck op x

thinkingcapon · 21/04/2019 20:11

There's absolutely no reason as to why anyone would hate you x

Sunshineafterthestorm · 21/04/2019 20:24

The only people that will “hate you” will be the people who don’t have you best interests at heart.

I’m speaking as someone from the other side, I’m the same age as you and my STBXH is 30. I didn’t have doubts about getting married but he showed no interest.. a year after the wedding he came home and told me he didn’t love me anymore and probably shouldn’t have married me.. I would’ve rather he cancelled the wedding and dealt with it then.

Do what makes YOU happy, not anyone else. Xx

Whichwayfoward · 21/04/2019 20:27

Anyone that hates you doesn't have your best interests at heart. I doubt anyone will hate you for anyway.

As said, be brave. The pain will ease.

CardinalCat · 21/04/2019 20:32

Nobody will hate you!

As a pp said, as women we are so often conditioned to be people pleasers. It would be a grave mistake to marry this man just to avoid a difficult conversation with people about what happens re the hen. It is complete minutiae (although I understand why it is making you anxious).

I really wish I'd broken off an engagement when I was younger. Instead I went ahead and married a good man who I just didn't love enough, and who- if he was honest with himself- didn't love me enough either. The breakup was awful and we both had breakdowns despite lots of counselling to try to make the break easier. Part of our distress was regret at not being braver and breaking it off before the wedding. I lost several years of my life. Good childbearing years too, and it took me many years to settle down properly afterwards, for fear of making the same mistake. Don't do it- it's ridiculously easy to call this off compared to the mess you could unleash if you proceed.
As for what to say- from the heart you say-
" I can't go ahead with the wedding. I've been agonising about this and have given it a huge amount of thought but my decision is final. I am very sorry, but I am sure you will agree it is for the best that we are completely honest about our feelings and I don't think we should be together". You don't need to make it personal- it's enough that you no longer feel a connection or in love. He doesn't sound like the kind of man who is going to want a long conversation debating the whys and wherefores of this anyway. Good luck, and let us know how you get on.

turnitdownanotch · 21/04/2019 21:37

Oh OP! No-one will hate you! And if they do, they are not worth a second thought.

The only outcome I would hate in this situation would be the thought someone I cared about went through with a marriage they didn't want to save me hassle/money/disappointment.

Disappointment is temporary. Marriage is meant to be forever.