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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wedding doubts

138 replies

Lacey2019 · 04/04/2019 15:10

I am very apprehensive about writing this and it is also my first post on here. I am just over 4 months away from getting married and since December I have been having serious doubts. I have been anxious the whole way through and have ignored these. My partner is a wonderful man. He has a great job and earns a lot of money, which gives us a lovely lifestyle. It also makes me comfortable regarding the future and the life we could have once we have children. We have a lovely home and I moved my life to be with him. His family and friends are amazing and they have for the past 4 and a half years been my life.

The thing is, we don't seem to communicate anymore and there is no affection. This is really starting to upset me and as wrong as it is to say, my eyes have began to wander. I have never acted upon this nor would I.

My question is, I feel so so down and low. All I ever think about now is should I or should I not marry him. I would always be looked after, but I just don't feel in love with him anymore. However, the thought of calling of a wedding and upsetting everyone, losing my life that I know and coping with a break up, even if I have doubts, is causing me serious heartache.

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 11/04/2019 13:23

Which friends did you ask? As you mentioned in a pp not having a life outside of him for 4yrs !!!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/04/2019 13:23

We went menu tasting on Monday and he just sat on his phone doing work. Any time I ask for support or have with the wedding he is too busy to discuss

I suspect your friends are envious of your potential lifestyle. They are not thinking about your emotional wellbeing.

The comment you made above makes me think he's not that fussed about getting married either. Please call this off for you both your sakes'.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/04/2019 15:05

Wow your friends are shocking.
I called off my wedding many moons ago.
6 months before.
It was hell on earth for a little while but everyone realised that I had done the right thing for me.
The sooner you call it off the better.
Do not delay any further.
You know this isn't right.
And it's not right to marry him and then have to divorce him.
I just kept imagining myself at the top of the isle on my wedding day just staring down the church and wanting to hitch up my dress and run far and fast.
I knew I couldn't do it.
I was doing for everyone else.
I was doing it because he was a nice guy and I didn't want to hurt him.
I was doing it because his mum and dad were so excited.
I was doing it because my mum and dad loved him like a son.
ALLLLL of it for others. None of it for me.
I just found my selfish side and called it off.
You can too.

another20 · 12/04/2019 10:18

Friends often take a “there, there” approach to minimise discomfort.

Tell HIM.

Talk to more friends / colleagues / family.

Make it real.

Just push the button now. There are many in this thread who have been in your shoes - not one has said just sleep walk into it and it will be alright.

Northernlass101 · 12/04/2019 13:08

Oh my god! This post was me last August. Literally apart from my partner wasn't always amazing.

I was terrified of all those things upsetting people losing what all I knew. I just knew in my heart he wasn't the one and once you're married it's much harder to get out!
I went along with the whole wedding thing for around 9 months and then called it off.

One day I came home from work and just blurted it out and it is the best thing I have ever done. Do not marry someone who you do not love!

We too lost affection and communication broke down. Do not put yourself through the wedding!

I'm still riding the breakup wave now but these things take time. It hasn't been easy but now I'm much happier.

Be strong OP!!!!!!

If we truly loves you he will listen to you and want to amend your relationship before getting married

DM me if you have any specific qSmile

BabyDueDecember2019 · 14/04/2019 08:44

For both of you call off the wedding & end the relationship Thanks

Thehop · 14/04/2019 08:53

I went ahead with my first marriage feeling like this and I left after 10 months

Do what’s right for you OP

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 18/04/2019 19:12

I really want to just thank everyone for taking the time to respond to my post. I was very anxious to write it, because of fear of being judged. I know I am not the only person to have doubts, but it’s very hard to not be selfish and think of yourself I guess in these situations.

I have been home for the weekend and with 4 months to go, all that everyone is obviously talking about is the wedding. My mum has been looking at outfits and again I had no enthusiasm. I am absolutely petrified of what to do next. I don’t even know how to go about it. In addition, I have 20 people on a hen do and 8 of these are his family and friends who have spent over £200 each. I do not know what to do regarding that if I call it off.

I am so scared that down the line I will regret my decision as I had a good man...and keep thinking of the old times. I am so worried about upsetting him and everyone around us

OP posts:
BabyDueDecember2019 · 18/04/2019 21:12

I guarantee all guests who care about you both would prefer the wedding was cancelled due to your doubts.

I know someone who cancelled their wedding, they tried to pay everyone back for the hen/stag fees as they were already paid. If you tell your family or a friend first then they will gel you make a plan.

Ultimately you need to tell your DF, someone needs to tell the guests and the suppliers.

Life is too short to be with the wrong person Thanks

SunnyCoco · 18/04/2019 21:14

Lacey it sounds like you should at the least, postpone the wedding.

Ask your mum / sibling / best mate to ring round everyone or pop a note in the post, saying due to a change in personal circumstances, the wedding of Lacey and Xxxx will not be going ahead on xxdate .

Do it as soon as possible. Regarding the hen do, get your best mate / bridesmaid to cancel everything and get refunds for whatever she can get refunded. Transfer her some money so she can refund anyone who is out of pocket.

Best of luck x

Oldstyle · 18/04/2019 21:23

I walked down the aisle knowing that this probably wasn't a good plan but I was too cowardly to call a halt to everything. Tried to leave after 3 years, after 4 years and eventually managed it after 5 years.
He went on to marry someone who really suited him - he's still with her decades later. I found the love of my life. Can't imagine why I ever thought that settling for less was acceptable. Please call off the wedding OP. This won't get better. You are clearly not compatible and he won't make you happy.

CKWattisthemanager · 18/04/2019 21:49

OP. Get a grip. You have to stop this runaway train before it goes any more miles. Just do it. Life is far too short for this. My DH arranged our wedding. He was involved with everything except the dress as I was working crazy hours and he was working 9 to 5. He was madly enthusiastic and so was I. We are married 16 years this year and it's better now than it was then if anything. I look forward to every single day I spend with him. You can have this but not with him. Take the money out of the equation as the money is taking the sharp edges off what you are seeing. See the sharp pointy edges of this situation please. You are heading for a mincing machine! Only you can sort this situation out. If he's not interested now he never will be. It's a bust.

Northernlass101 · 18/04/2019 22:37

OP!

When is the hen?

I would actually go through with the hen because the AGG of cancelling it would be too much unless you have the money to help refund them all.

Cancel it when you come back!!!!

Do not do this - trust me.

Sad
Babyshark2019 · 18/04/2019 23:19

Op- I had doubts about my DH very early on. But he begged me for another chance every single times and then I got pregnant. I was also 38 at the time and a bit pissed off with men after a few negative experiences so I thought things will get better surely.

3 years later and I still have doubts. I keep wondering what if I waited a bit longer and found someone that’s more suitable. But time was against me being 38 and I wanted a child. We have a good lifestyle and I don’t have to worry about money but I’m not happy.

You are very young, plenty of opportunities ahead of you, why would you deny them to yourself?

SomewhereInbetween1 · 19/04/2019 06:31

OP I'm a little younger than you and have been with my partner for 4 years, marrying in 8 weeks time. We live and work together so see each other a lot, but I would still happily see him more and still get all fluttery when I do. I'm not nervous in the slightest about marrying him, I'm just very very excited. Neither of us earn a great deal but that has never entered my mind as a reason for or for not getting married. If I felt how you felt, I wouldn't go through with it. I think you know the right thing to do here is to call it off.

Redland12 · 19/04/2019 07:48

Can you talk to your mum? I would be heartbroken if my daughter thought she could not talk to me about something so big. I’m sure she wants you to be happy and would help you out of this very sad situation. It sounds like you are in turmoil, life is too short please listen to all the MN’s they are giving excellent advice. 🌷

Mapofthesoul · 19/04/2019 08:00

When you say he is a good man and wonderful, I don’t see that in anything you describe about him (apart from he works hard.) He doesn’t seem to show much interest in you or the wedding.

Your heart really is not in it so I don’t see how you can go ahead.

You don’t want to go home now. Imagine feeling like that every day for the rest of your life.

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 19/04/2019 08:08

Thank you all so much, it gives me such comfort reading these.

I know I can’t go through with it, I just have to figure out the hen do situation as I don’t want to let down all my friends and family with all the planning they have done

OP posts:
Mapofthesoul · 19/04/2019 08:10

If it came to it, they could still go?

OliviaBenson · 19/04/2019 08:19

You can't marry someone you don't love because of a hen do. If you were my friend I would I understand . Perhaps you can rearrange the trip with your side to have a girly get away from it all trip.

You keep saying he is a good man almost like you are trying to convince yourself.

DownUdderer · 19/04/2019 08:21

You don’t have to live your life trying to please others! Try not to focus on ‘disappointing’ the people coming to the hen do or wedding.

Inadvertentlybrilliant · 19/04/2019 08:22

OP, the quicker you call the wedding off, the better. You are putting yourself through needless anxiety. You need to sit your fiance down and just say one sentence - "I'm sorry but I don't want to marry you" and then play it by ear from there. It is just one sentence.

It doesn't matter how much people have spent in the hen or stag nights or even the wedding itself. That is just material stuff. The important thing is how you feel. Your family and true friends will want what is best for you and that is clearly to end this relationship.

The people who tell you to go through with this in spite of the turmoil you are in with your feelings are not your friends.

Your DP not taking an interest in wedding plans makes me think that he may also have concerns too. It's a massive red flag that you can't even communicate at a time when you are supposed to be head over heels in love.

Fgs, just call the wedding off NOW.

Hiphopopotamous · 19/04/2019 08:26

RE; hen do, you could still go for a weekend away with your friends and reimburse the people from his side that won't want to come.
Waaaaay cheaper than a divorce lawyer will be.

daisychain01 · 19/04/2019 08:29

I would always be looked after

You need to move forward from the idea that you have to put yourself into the hands of someone else to look after you. Aim towards empowerment and the fact you are capable and can make your own life choices.

We went menu tasting on Monday and he just sat on his phone doing work. Any time I ask for support or have with the wedding he is too busy to discuss.

We are all intuitive, instinctive people. It's highly likely he already knows your relationship isn't working and is doing what a lot of men do, bury himself in work, activity, anything rather than face facts head-on like you are.

Mapofthesoul · 19/04/2019 08:37

Is there one person you can tell now eg a friend or family member? They can support you with telling everyone and cancelling etc.