Wedding doubts

[Lacey2019]

I am very apprehensive about writing this and it is also my first post on here. I am just over 4 months away from getting married and since December I have been having serious doubts. I have been anxious the whole way through and have ignored these. My partner is a wonderful man. He has a great job and earns a lot of money, which gives us a lovely lifestyle. It also makes me comfortable regarding the future and the life we could have once we have children. We have a lovely home and I moved my life to be with him. His family and friends are amazing and they have for the past 4 and a half years been my life.

The thing is, we don't seem to communicate anymore and there is no affection. This is really starting to upset me and as wrong as it is to say, my eyes have began to wander. I have never acted upon this nor would I.

My question is, I feel so so down and low. All I ever think about now is should I or should I not marry him. I would always be looked after, but I just don't feel in love with him anymore. However, the thought of calling of a wedding and upsetting everyone, losing my life that I know and coping with a break up, even if I have doubts, is causing me serious heartache.

You really don't sound like you are at all on the same page. Why would he want to go ahead and marry someone who was lukewarm about the idea?

Marriage should be something you are totally sure about. If you can't picture yourself standing up in front of all your friends and family, beaming with happiness while promising to love your partner until the day you die, then you should not be doing it.

I say that as someone who has been married, happily (until DH died), but also called off a wedding last year because neither of us were feeling excited enough about it. No one gave us a hard time about it, and lots of people congratulated us on being brave enough to pull the plug rather than be carried along by the weight of expectations.

What kind of conversations have you had about this? It sounds very weird - like you are both sleepwalking to the wedding.

You don't want sex with him.

He doesn't like you being affectionate - wtf??
He doesn't take seriously your worries about getting married??

It all sounds very strange and I would recommend a huge talk! Soon!

If in doubt do nowt!

Do not get married if you are unsure you are doing the right thing. It's better to cancel the wedding than go through a divorce later. Communication is key in any relationship and if you don't have that and you don't have affection then you don't really have a relationship.

Don't worry about letting others down. They wouldn't want you to marry and be unhappy.

Crikey OP I really feel for you, this is a horrible situation to be in but I’m afraid you are going to have to bite the bullet and call it off 😕

@Lacey2019

I set up a Mumsnet account just to respond to your post. I felt that sharing my perspective was the kindest thing to do.

Your post left me with a lot to think about...1) I really feel it's important to share exactly how you feel with your partner. No-one should ever be blindsided and I think good relationships require occasional tough conversations. 2) People say 'money can't buy love' but by gum, is money important. No-one will admit to that, though; so I commend you for being honest. You are simply being honest about what many cannot be. 3) Let me share my story...my H and I are equal partners, in that we earn the same amount of money (the exact same hilariously as we work for the same company) but that's not the point. I share my story here as I really feel I should.

I'm a bit older than you but I got married last year. I married a man I always had doubts about. In fact, I married despite my doubts and powered through with the wedding planning. I haven't been a happy camper since we got married. I can't get excited about family planning (even though I LOVE children and thought I'd be dying to have children with him), we haven't had sex in months, I can't get excited about buying a house together and we've been having regular arguments about all kinds of things. I too love affection and I feel my partner just doesn't satisfy my most important needs: affection and intellectual stimulation. Once the wedding was over, things went downhill fast...

I feel more 'stuck' now that never. I look back at when we were engaged and really wish I had called it off then. We had a few horrible arguments while we were engaged and I wish I had just stepped back, seen things for what they were and walked away then.

I really hope you realise that life is long and you make the right decision for you.

You don’t need his approval to postpone or call off the wedding.

If I were a guest I would much prefer you call it off now rather than feel duped when you separate soon after - wasting my time, energy, money etc.

This is not a functioning relationship - no way will this be a sustainable marriage. A divorce is hideous - no need at your young ages.

You might be doing him a favour - he doesn’t sound enraptured - and if he thinks things as they are are good enough then you are in for a lonely painful marriage.

Bite the bullet. Make some plans and move on.

Don't get married. Xx

Call it off xx

@nevertoolatetochangeyourmind, You can leave your husband, you know. You don't have to stay with him if you're unhappy. He won't change to be the person you want, no matter how long you stay with him.

You say he’s a ‘wonderful man’, but you sound more enthusiastic @bout his money than anything else about him, and far from ‘wonderful’, he sounds unaffectionate and doesn’t listen when you try to talk. Don’t marry him. This has disaster written all over it.

@HollowTalk Thank You very much for your message. Leaving after 1 year of marriage seems like a cop out (even though we're together 10). I told him this morning that if he doesn't start listening to me, I'll leave. I hate that I have to go to that extreme with my own husband!

I do think calling off an engagement is much easier than calling off a marriage. I feel like I'm in quite deep now.

Oh OP. Life doesn’t need to be like that. I remember marrying my husband and my engagement was one of the most exciting times of my life. I couldn’t wait to get married to someone I loved so much.

We’ve been married for 11 years and I couldn’t be happier. Sure, we have the odd disagreement but I look forward to him coming home every day and just being with him.

Once you’re married with a couple of kids running around those little niggles become gaping big chasms.

Please don’t marry him. If you do, you may miss out on someone you could fall head over heels with. Life’s just too short.

I knew that I was marrying the wrong man over 15 years ago, yet still went ahead and did it. Whilst it wasn't the worst 10 years of my life, it certainly wasn't the greatest. I sold myself short and missed out on love and affection for all those years...without money too!! I am now divorced with a 9 year old. Currently sat by myself with a glass of wine and feel so much happier now, then I ever really did in my marriage.

Try not to worry about how much stag/hen do's cost. The stress of a divorce with a child/children involved is far more stressful than saying no to a wedding now. Go and have fun on your hen/that was a close shave do anyway. Good luck and be brave!

Your friends I am sure would rather you cancelled the wedding and they lost out on a hen do than saw you unhappy. A friend went through with the wedding, she had fallen in love with the caterer. A month later she left her husband for the caterer.

This marriage is doomed I am sad to say.

@Dinks66

If you don't mind my asking, what made your divorce finally happen?

Thank you everyone so much for your replies.

I haven't been sleeping and eating and just feel so guilty. I didn't buy a house, say yes to marriage and book it, to think that I would walk away or want to call it off. I know I am very lucky, having a good man. I opened up to my friends about this and they told me its too much to give up on and I should not just walk away form him. We went menu tasting on Monday and he just sat on his phone doing work. Any time I ask for support or have with the wedding he is too busy to discuss.

Bloody hell I'm so shocked that your friends would give you this advice......?!

He may be a good man but he is not your Mr Right.

Friends in such situations are not always helpful because they can be over invested. People move on quickly and after the initial flurry of interest re you and he not marrying after all it will all die down. Apart from anything else they are not marrying this person and they are not all that interested in listening to what you are saying.

Do not get married simply because of what other people may think and feel if you were to call it off. He may feel relieved on some level too.

Go with your feelings, and your feelings only.

A friend of mine, now 38, said she realised on her wedding night what a mistake she had made. The marriage last 10 months.

2.5 years after the first wedding, she was marrying again. She's now married 9 years, has two kids, a third on the way, and she is one of the happiest people I know.

Don't miss out on real happiness for the sake of other people's opinions!

If you have any doubts whatsoever then you should not marry him. Your feelings are valid and should not be squashed down. Your relationship as it is stands is not healthy anyway so this will never in a million years be a healthy or sustainable marriage.

You are not right for each other on so many levels.

Sounds like some counselling - either individually or together - might be a good idea to help you figure this out.

The two people I know who had doubts pre wedding (my best friend and sister) both deeply regret going through the wedding and consequently divorce.

I knew my best friend wasn't quite "right" on her wedding day but I put it down to nerves, she never told anyone her doubts. Several years later when she was preparing for what became quite a nasty divorce, she admitted to me when she was a bit cranky in the morning of her wedding she was seriously thinking of running away at that point but felt she couldn't back out.

My sister knew it wasn't right, in fact the whole family asked her if she was certain and she said yes, , she is currently going through a nasty custody battle with her ex. The marriage lasted a year.

Its a whole lot harder to walk away once your married and children are involved.

I married a man I knew in my heart was not right for me. It lasted 9 years, nice years and two children later I git the courage to leave. These feelings you have will not go away, and they most certainly not be cured by a wedding ring. Be brave, this is NOT what you want. Dont do it

typos: nine years NOT nice years

Unless he shows an interest in the wedding I would cancel it.

Your life as his wife will be very lonely.