Should I forgive /believe him? And be happy with text

[bellareena]

I wrote a post before about how I found my dp txting another woman from work. It was classic sexting but also worrying because he seemed to have a EA to her. Hard to say but the post I wrote , the majority said to leave him. I didn't co front him straight away as I was so distraught.

I didn't wanna get into a bad place

Anyway, cut a long story short we were out Friday night for a wedding do. I got absolutely slaughtered , and ended up confronting him but in a rly silly way because I was so drunk :(

I was crying loads (this is what I can remember) but started to try ring her in front of him because at first he was denying it. Luckily, I had her number saved. She obviously didn't answer it it was after midnight but it was a few times I'd rang her.

Dp was extremely apologetic - cried, admitted it was just an ego thing n she's given him loads of attention n he kept saying how he was so stupid, tried to explain it as he only had ego kicks from it but would never had done anything.
We made up and the next morning he was still very apologetic, saying sorry etc n then told me had text her saying

"That was (my name) that was ringing u last night eek but think Iv sorted it"

I was more angry with this txt than anything else. To me it sounds like he's saying Iv sorted her out we can still carry on? Does anyone agree? I just need some light shed on the text and also where to go from here,

He did show me the txt and her reply which was "great" obviously being sarcastic I suppose

I'm just still very tender and confused by all this. How can I trust him now? He will be in work tomorrow, can I rly trust nothing will happen between them?

This relationship between you and he was over anyway when you found this individual sexting this woman from work. If there is no trust there is no relationship.

Tears in such circumstances from him can be manipulative and designed to pull at the heartstrings.

He is taking you again for a right idiot; why are you valuing yourself so very poorly here by remaining at all with him. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. This individual will make you ill with worry if that is not already happening.

I think you know what to do deep down, you need to kick him out and end the relationship.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I know I'm not even sure I want to forgive him, it was just the drink that made me spill it all out (my plan was to wait as he's applied to a job abroad)
I didn't expect the tears and the regret tbh. Because he's not been treating me well anyway

Just hoping if any MN-tters can shed some light on the txt he sent as that's what made my spidey senses tingle

I think it was more he was worried she'd go mad n he was letting her know I know so they'd have to be more careful?

The text he sent does seem like he wants to carry it on and her reply could mean great as in glad he sorted it and it’s business as usual.

What he should have texted is something like “This has gone too far. I love my wife and I’ve hurt her because of thIs. ThIs can’t continue sorry.”

I would think, as he showed you, what he meant was that things are sorted between you now and you wouldn’t be ringing her again. She said ‘great’ because no one wants some drunk woman calling them at midnight.

If he hadn’t shown you I’d think he was still seeing her.

Maybe he’s genuinely upset at his behaviour, maybe he’s not & is just manipulating you.

What’s he like the rest of the time?

That's an awful text to have sent. It's basically telling the OW that he's fobbed you off and not to worry. There really is no point in being in this relationship - you can do SO much better. :(

Well of course it was an affair if he was sexting a work colleague. Otherwise he would be in very deep trouble for sexual harassment. Even if a non working friend sexted me I would be aggrieved by it. So why isn’t she upset by the sexting and blocking him or complaining about him.

The only answer is because she is involved with him. Btw, EAs are affairs without the sex. This is an affair with sex.

I guess this isn’t what you want to hear but you know it is true. Why are you unable to accept the conclusion?

Yep, he appears to be more concerned with not upsetting her. How awful for her to have received some phone calls off you. Traumatised, NOT! Get rid, you deserve better.

I'm sorry but I think your relationship is over

For me it's the lack of an apology. It reads as if they are still in regular very friendly contact. It's so casual.

If your wife had texted a colleague at midnight you'd be mortified. And more so someone who you had potentially hurt already by ending an emotional affair. You'd apologise.

She would be very unhappy and saying so. Her one word could mean anything at all....'great, more hassle from you, fabulous' or 'great you covered it up'. You will maybe never know but most people would have been put out. She doesn't actually sound it.

Thanks guys
I think this too and I can't get it out my head so I'm going to have to talk to him again

He also said he would marry me and make it official that was the next morning but one day later, has not mentioned it since so makes me think he's just appeasing me

Is this the one with the potential job in Saudi? Because if it's you again, no, you shouldn't accept it, yes you should leave him, and no you won't.

@category12

Yes it's me
I'm in two minds atm

You have kids but aren't married? You need to think about finances.

How long have you been together?

Marriage could be financially worthwhile if you have kids and your relationship is long (so may be taken into account with the length of the marriage to count as a "long" or even just "longer" marriage.

Does he have his assets in his sole name?
Do you (in which case, think twice about marrying him)?

A registry office job could do the trick.
Then, if you split, you have the legal, financial protection of marriage.

OP, it's time to be mercurial. See a family lawyer, get their advice (DON'T TELL HIM THIS), find out what will best financially protect you and the kids.

@PicsInRed

This is what I'm thinking to do
The house is owned by his parents but on his name
He has no mortgage
What do you make of the text he sent her?

And FFS, dont go to Saudi with him.

I remember that post, thought this might be part 2. Disaster written all over it, he will never let you leave. Just don't go. Dont ever send the kids, either, you wont get them back, he can visit them in the UK.

You’d be crazy to stay with him, he doesn’t love you, or respect you.

Why are you in two minds about him?

Do not under any circumstances go to Saudi Arabia with him nor send the kids there for a holiday. This really does have disaster written all over it.

The text?

"Dont worry babe, got the wife sorted, back to shagging real soon"

Sorry.

You need to see a family lawyer, especially if the house is in his name and mortgage free. Figure out what's best for you. How do his parents "own" it if it's in his name? Joint ownership? That could still benefit you and the children, in marriage. Do please see that family lawyer.

You have far bigger problems than this text to this other woman he is cheating on you with, he is really playing you like a violin here.

What would it actually take for you to leave him? Actually watch him fuck her in front of your eyes? Not to mention, the damage this shitty relationship does to your kids, (but you never respond about that, so what's the point?). This is just going to be another thread that's an exercise in self-delusion. You need to wake up, OP, if you're genuine.

I dont know, I think the OP is genuine.

Having been in a relationship with a clever, manipulative man, I have experience of how insidiously they can get right inside your mind and stir until you dont trust your own perception anymore - until you wonder if you are completely insane and he is actually a great guy who is really your victim (which is precisely what he intends) and if only you would be better, everything will be ok again.

It can take a lot to shake everything back into sharp focus, even then you need the means to leave right at that moment, or he will resume stirring your mind into the FOG until that sharp focus moment is reframed to his narrative (it didn't happen, you imagined it, it was your own fault).

Keep talking, OP. Keep googling. Keep thinking.

It doesn’t really matter what the text meant, you don’t trust him anymore. I wouldn’t want to live like that if I were you.

I agree with you - that text is terrible. He's basically saying "but I've got away with it."

Let him go to Saudi and have a lovely life here without him. Life doesn't have to be full of drama and betrayal.

Think of a man you really admire; think of a really happy marriage. Would that man behave like your partner?

The text means Sorry about those calls, they were from my crazy baby-mama. You know how I told you she's crazy and I only stay with her for the kids, I'm such a great guy, she'd do something stupid if I left her and I can't do that to the kids, we've been sleeping in separate beds for years, she doesn't understand me like you understand me, well, she had one of her crazy episodes last night and called you, I'm so sorry, she's mental, I'm a great guy for putting up with her, I managed to get her calmed down and it is sorted, I can't wait to tell you all about it, how awful she is, how selfless I am and then hear you fawning over what a great great guy I am for sticking with her for the kids. Kissy kissy.