Should I forgive /believe him? And be happy with text

[bellareena]

I wrote a post before about how I found my dp txting another woman from work. It was classic sexting but also worrying because he seemed to have a EA to her. Hard to say but the post I wrote , the majority said to leave him. I didn't co front him straight away as I was so distraught.

I didn't wanna get into a bad place

Anyway, cut a long story short we were out Friday night for a wedding do. I got absolutely slaughtered , and ended up confronting him but in a rly silly way because I was so drunk :(

I was crying loads (this is what I can remember) but started to try ring her in front of him because at first he was denying it. Luckily, I had her number saved. She obviously didn't answer it it was after midnight but it was a few times I'd rang her.

Dp was extremely apologetic - cried, admitted it was just an ego thing n she's given him loads of attention n he kept saying how he was so stupid, tried to explain it as he only had ego kicks from it but would never had done anything.
We made up and the next morning he was still very apologetic, saying sorry etc n then told me had text her saying

"That was (my name) that was ringing u last night eek but think Iv sorted it"

I was more angry with this txt than anything else. To me it sounds like he's saying Iv sorted her out we can still carry on? Does anyone agree? I just need some light shed on the text and also where to go from here,

He did show me the txt and her reply which was "great" obviously being sarcastic I suppose

I'm just still very tender and confused by all this. How can I trust him now? He will be in work tomorrow, can I rly trust nothing will happen between them?

I don't want to go to Saudi

Thank goodness.

How can you be sure you and the kids will get your fair share of his salary out there - I wonder if there are any advice boards.

I’ve wondered about you since your last post a week ago.

The OP has a huge backstory and many threads about this narcissistic emotional abuser. She has watched the sexting (EA & probable PA, plans to meet outside work, plans to conceive a baby) for months, but wouldn’t confront and leave, and was advised repeatedly that her unrealistic ‘plan’ would blow up in her face.

OP, I am sorry that it has come to this. Your game plan to spy, plot, and wait until he knew about the Saudi job was never going to work.

You are still clinging to this narcissist who has manipulated and treated you contemptuously for years. He even kicked out you and his child because you signed up for basketball.

He has not ended it with her. He is lying to you and is not sorry. That text was just an explanation to her for your calling drunk. Saying, “Eek but think I’ve sorted it.” was actually “Don’t worry, I’ve fooled her again. Lie low for now.”

No, you can't 'rly' trust that nothing will happen - by the sounds of this and your previous thread, it already has, and your DC are suffering as a result.

You're still obsessing over the OW and the wording of texts, when really you need to be taking control and leaving this man. But you won't.

He cried to regain control of you. It worked. It is a typical ploy used by abusers when rumbled.

OP, if you take only one thing from this thread let it be "Don't go to Saudi" because, if you do go to Saudi, all of your options will evaporate with the closing of that aircraft door.

Your kids' options too.

I think the labotomy was carried out many moons ago @anyfucker 😓

OP, many others and I have tried to help you throughout your various threads. You are determined to throw yourself and your daughters under the bus to cling to this despicable man.

Where is your plan to go your sister’s after confronting? You are allowing yourself to be bamboozled by his Boo Hoo act. Handing you his phone was a clever move. You gobbled it up like popcorn, OP.

While you are busy minimizing his cheating and emotional/financial abuse, why don’t you review some of your previous statements:
He threw me out when my eldest dd was 7, it was a horrific time I think that contributed to her MH issues if I’m honest. It was because I joined a basketball club.

Social services have been involved because he shouts in front of the children.

I’ve caught him on dating sites or chatting to random women online/sexting.

I am adamant not to go [to Saudi]. My mum was saying, “Here’s your chance to get married after all these years of him never bothering. But no way. Not after what I’ve seen. The texts have knocked me sicked.

Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me.

You all are right I do need a backbone. I’m so emotionally weak.

Of course I want to leave him

I now know that he is actually cheating and I will leave him.

I am going to leave him! Do you think I’m enjoying acting normal when I’ve seen texts asking her to have his lovechild?! Completely dismissing me as the “missus.”

Adultery is a big thing to me I’m so so against cheating.

He's now saying he'll txt her whatever I want him too, handed me his phone to txt her

Which is actually proving that there's something going on. He knows he can explain it to her and they can have a good laugh about how gullible you are. There's no way he'd make that offer about someone who would think it was as crazy as fuck to get some weird message from you telling her to leave your DP alone.

As someone asked before, what will it take for you to say 'enough' OP?
Posting here doesn't change the facts. Posting again doesn't change reality or the answers you've already been given. He's not trustworthy, he doesn't respect you and you should have ended it long ago. You sound excited he talked about marriage! Wake up OP.

@MsDogLady

I wanted to wait til he heard about the job as he is expected to hear back by next week. Just so happens, it all came out on the Friday as I was rip roaringly drunk.
The plan is there in place, I am just really shocked about his reaction
The reason why is I've done something similar in the past -tried to ring a number I found in his phone but his reaction then was so different- he'd grabbed the phone of me and snapped it (it was one of those old flip phones)
But the night I tried to ring this ow, he seemed calm and so hurt like he finally knew he'd done wrong. Can't explain but it's like he'd finally woke up n said to himself 'Iv been treating her like shit n she really doesn't deserve it'

I don't know. I want to hope he still has the job so this can all go away
Still very confused and hurt

It's you again....obsessing with texts when he's nothing but a serial cheater.

This isn't his first rodeo and you keep laying yourself down like a doormat.

What's the point in asking for someone to shed light on the text... you'll do what you want and will stay with him ...so accept that it's gone physical. You're the mother of his kids and thats about it.

He doesn't give a damn about you. Doesn't want to spend your birthday with you, unless his parents are there. This relationship is unhealthy.

OP - i'm sorry but i'm going to be harsh. I have read many of the threads you have started on here.
You get the same advice from everyone that your "relationship" is dead in the water. Your lack of emotional intelligence and self respect is astonishing. What is clear from all your posts is the only thing you want to hear is people reassuring you that everything will be ok in the end. Well it won't be....or maybe it will...in FAIRYLAND. And the effect on your children - do you think about that...like ever?? The only thing you are teaching them that it is absolutely ok to stay with someone who treats you like shit - i hate to say it but you are going to have massive consequences from that in the future - that you will have to deal with - either when you watch your children as adults go through the same hurt you are going through when they are being treated like shit by someone... or alternatively watch them treat their future partners like shit. In what ways are you ever teaching them that no one has the right to treat another human with such disrespect? Grow up and put your children first.

Oh god not the "cheating bastard going to Saudi but I still love him and won't hear a word against him" thread

If I'm not thinking about leaving him, why would I make another post? I don't think we can get over this. Well, I can't I'm too upset
The only reason u haven't left YET is because I really don't think anything physical happened with them n in one way he was right that he was putting it off because of guilt
I truly believe he just liked the ego boost. Iv seen the texts where they have said they haven't done anything physical so I guess I'm relieved about that . However, I'm not denying that I trust him because I don't and I don't know how I can get over the fact he will see her at work etc

I honestly don’t know if you are genuine OP. You have posted so much about this man and you are now asking if you should forgive him?!

He has been cruel and abusive to you. At the very least had an emotional affair. Your daughter has mental health issues. You feel trapped and isolated. Why would you forgive him.

Please remove yourself and your poor DDs from this toxic environment.

No I wouldn’t bother to tell him to text her anything, why would you. I’d also not be going to Saudi. I’d also not be in a relationship any longer either.

Why would you make another thread???

The same reason you made all the others....

Because you like making a meal of it, asking questions you already know the answer to, and revelling in the drama.

Same reason you'll ignore all advice given ans make further threads under multiple usernames.

Youre a grown woman but your mentalitly is that of a teenage girl at best. You still think he hasnt slept with her, because they both said so and he cried?

Oh dear god.

@MsDogLady kindly summarised the behaviour for you. Is this really what you want for yourself and your kids even in the absence of chesting the man is a complete and utter arsehole.

You're not a child op, grow a spine and provide some peace and stability for yourself and your daughters instead of looking to others to do it for you.

Oh dear lord. You think you confronting him about this woman he’s been sexting him for months suddenly made him realise it was wrong? He’s ALWAYS known. He just didn’t care. And he won’t care when he’s carrying on with her going forward. And he won’t care when he’s fucking the next woman. LOL that you think it’s her that needs to be told. She doesn’t give a fuck about you. If she wants to text him she will. Your problem is that your partner wants to text her. That your partner has been doing the chasing. And that your partner doesn’t give a shit!!
You have no control over your own life and could become homeless at a moments notice. You haven’t taken on board a single thing anyone has said to you. You only think about yourself and your desperation to stay with this man at all costs. You will marry him and you will go to Saudi and you will be stuck with him for years to come and he will sleep with dozens of women during that period.

You can't live you in KSA without being married, and the kids wouldn't get residency or into schools at all as they would check their birthdates against a marriage certificate even if you were married and as they were born out of wedlock they wouldn't be allowed in.

I'm not in UK but have an ex husband living in Middle East. There are no reciprocal child support laws with our home country, so check if KSA has the same with UK, as he could get away with paying no child support.

By the sounds of it, he will be shagging all over the place in KSA, where there is a plethora of opportunity for using the vast inequalities of many workers to be an attractive mate.

Your marriage is over OP, and the sooner you realise it, get proactive about you and your kids future and start making plans the better.

Yeah that text is shit. Its like he and her are on a team together and you are the other woman.

This may not be helpful but just for a moment consider the possibilities of a polyamorous relationship. It might not be for you. It might be the last thing you want to do but some people manage quite happily with their partners having a parallel relationship.

I don't do jealousy. I really don't think I have a jealous bone in my body.

A few years ago my wife met someone they had a relationship for a while. I knew. I never met him but we texted each other - mainly for logistical purposes. Both families had kids. Then it was over - he turned out to be the total dickhead I suspected he was. And we're still together.

As I said may not be for you - but there are alternatives to rigid heterosexual monogamy.

I'n sorry, but I think you made a new thread to get attention, as pp got fed up of your last thread and stopped responding.

This issue is directly linked to the topic of the other thread, so a new thread was unnecessary.

There comes a point in life where you have to take responsibility for the situation you find yourself in. You never should have returned after he threw you out with your DD, because you joined a basketball club.

I'll repeat Einstein's definition of insanity.... "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"

I think his text means you won't be contacting her again as it would be so awkward for her,

However I think you've bigger issues here and I'm not sure why you're clinging on.

The only reason u haven't left YET is because I really don't think anything physical happened with them n in one way he was right that he was putting it off because of guilt
It's scary being on your own with children and the full responsibility of looking after them in a rented house/flat. But you can do this, if you plan ahead and get sorted.

Regardless of something physical happening, this behaviour is unacceptable. You can definitely leave for this, or ANY other reason. He does not respect you or love you. He will act as if he's changed or feels bad, but only because he likes the comfortable situation he has with you, and the thrill of cheating.

Don't even think of going to KSA, it'll be a nightmare for you.

Prepare for life alone with no support from him, because then any financial/practical support will be a bonus.