Should I forgive /believe him? And be happy with text

[bellareena]

I wrote a post before about how I found my dp txting another woman from work. It was classic sexting but also worrying because he seemed to have a EA to her. Hard to say but the post I wrote , the majority said to leave him. I didn't co front him straight away as I was so distraught.

I didn't wanna get into a bad place

Anyway, cut a long story short we were out Friday night for a wedding do. I got absolutely slaughtered , and ended up confronting him but in a rly silly way because I was so drunk :(

I was crying loads (this is what I can remember) but started to try ring her in front of him because at first he was denying it. Luckily, I had her number saved. She obviously didn't answer it it was after midnight but it was a few times I'd rang her.

Dp was extremely apologetic - cried, admitted it was just an ego thing n she's given him loads of attention n he kept saying how he was so stupid, tried to explain it as he only had ego kicks from it but would never had done anything.
We made up and the next morning he was still very apologetic, saying sorry etc n then told me had text her saying

"That was (my name) that was ringing u last night eek but think Iv sorted it"

I was more angry with this txt than anything else. To me it sounds like he's saying Iv sorted her out we can still carry on? Does anyone agree? I just need some light shed on the text and also where to go from here,

He did show me the txt and her reply which was "great" obviously being sarcastic I suppose

I'm just still very tender and confused by all this. How can I trust him now? He will be in work tomorrow, can I rly trust nothing will happen between them?

TowelNumber, that's it, exactly.
There's a whole back narrative to that text, absolutely spot on.

@PicsInRed

Thank you. You've described exactly how I feel. Every day, I wonder if it's just me am I going insane?
The thing is the ego thing I buy because he's always been like that

Sorry OP. As others have said, the text just meant "sorry about that, I've sorted her out now."
And writing,"Eeek"?! Really. "Eeek, our shared secret was nearly out just like we've talked about.." He may as well have written, "Lol".
You deserve so much better. The fact it came out when you were drunk just how's how near the surface it is and how much you're suffering in keeping to the 'plan' of waiting it out. That suffering isn't worth it, it's not your burden. He's a disresptful cock. Get out OP.

Just shows. Sorry

You're not insane.

You probably feel insane because your reality doesn't match the reality he is attempting to gaslight and crazy-make you into accepting. That cognitive dissonance can make you feel like you are going insane.

I dont know how much reading you've done around this, but a good start would be googling "gaslighting", "crazy making", "emotional abise" scapegoating", "cognitive dissonance", and "FOG (fear obligation and guilt)".

A word of warning, you may realise some things about you family of origin which are upsetting, but any realisation would help go towards explaining how you came to be in this relationship and how you feel so unable to put yourself first and to "leave him". Hopefully you will eventually feel able to put healthy boundaries in place and extract yourself from this man's control.

*emotional abuse

You can't trust him, believe him or forgive him. The text implies that he thinks they've got away with it and that things can carry on like before (between them). She is texting great because she also wants things to continue.

That's exactly what I think too
Just needed to know if I was being paranoid or reading it wrong

He's never going to confess. Don't waste good years of your life waiting to find evidence to make him admit it or that would stand up in a court of law.

Life and fertile windows are too short to waste on relationships that have you feeling bad.

The thing you are most likely to regret later is not moving on sooner.

Yep, he appears to be more concerned with not upsetting her. How awful for her to have received some phone calls off you. Traumatised, NOT! Get rid, you deserve better.

This

He's now saying he'll txt her whatever I want him too, handed me his phone to txt her. But I'm so stupid I just started crying badly instead!

I said she needs to be told

I can't believe it trust him I think it's game over for us

any Man who needs to be told what to say to his OW, needs booted out the bloody door OP.

what a complete DICK

of course it's game over! why would you stay with someone you can't trust? i can't believe he actually wrote "Eeek" !!

oh no OP, you deserve better. if he thinks that he can just gain your trust again from a silly text he is wrong!
i can understand that you don't want to leave you DP but honestly, I think you should. at least talk to him properly about what's happened and how you feel.
remember you are worth much more than this, go out with friends or family and have a good time without him! unless you can tell he is truly and really sorry then you should move on and find someone who treats you like you are supposed to be treated! x

Thank you

It's hard to say. I really did not expect the reaction he gave, he cried loads. He wasn't even drunk as he was the designated driver that night so I can't even say it was the drink talking.
He hardly cries so another shock, saying things like "he never wants to lose me", he's been so stupid, he can't believe what he's done and how much it's hurt me"

So now in a pickle. I think actions speak louder than words and I want to see where he goes from here. His plan is to buy me a ring and tell everyone we're engaged but he hasn't yet so again I'm dubious

The "eeek" in the txt got me too I couldn't believe it - when I pointed it out he said she's a HO so he thought because she's in a higher position she may be pissed regarding her job status etc. It doesn't add up tho.

Should I tell him to txt her again?
When I saw their txts he was mostly txting her anyway so I dunno if she's bothered or what. Just hard to say

His tears are manipulative, what an absolute wanker. You deserve better than this

What I can't understand tho he doesn't have much to lose as he owns the house so it would be me who would have to move out and have all the financial difficulty just like last time we split
He has it easy and is loaded because he's never paid a mortgage on the house and his parents are well off.

The only thing he would lose out on is seeing the kids every day. But last time we split he said he liked the fact he got his nights free. He took dd for two nights a week - most of the weekend. So I was really expecting him to just blame it all on m because he knows I'm the stuck one.

Your relationship has been over for a while, this is just the icing on the cake.
No matter what is or isn't said by text their relationship in whatever form will continue.
The Saudi job is irrelevant - apart from your housing concerns.
Please stop letting him treat you like a fool with his crocodile tears

He's taking the piss out of you .. whilst chumming up to her laughing at you OP.

He's a cretin.

I don't think you could legally/officially live as his partner in Saudi without being married.

I have no idea what his rights would be over you and the kids if you did go unmarried.

Certainly the kids would likely still be considered his property/wards and you couldn't leave with them without his permission. Yourself, I dont know. If you were his wife you definitely couldn't leave without his permission.

Eithervwat that is not a country you want to be a woman, and especially a woman with kids in;unless you have the most solid, adoring, stable, decent relationship ever. Even then it's a risk. They own you and your kids there.

The tears are a manipulation tactic.
There's no normal human feeling behind it.
His feelings are as shallow as a puddle and all you see is a mask.

Behind that mask is absolutely nothingness.

He sees you as a puppet or a chess piece to be moved about on his board, until HE is ready to be done with you. When he's done, he'll be done. Don't waste your life waiting for him to be done playing with you and put you in the bin.

Don't ascribe your emotion and feeling to him, he's not normal. Go and get yourself a life. All you have here is emotional indentured servitude and he'll use you up until there's nothing left of you.

Why have you name changed and started yet another thread OP????

You need to start putting the welfare of your kids before of being in this 13 year old girl-esqe bubble land of ridiculous dramas you thrive on.

Fucking embarrassing and a disgrace to boot.

I don't want to go to Saudi. If he gets the job, I'm going to stay but thatbwas my original plan before confronting him
Now I've confronted him I didn't expect that reaction. So now I don't know what to do

The crying, who knows?

Because he wants his fun on the side while keeping the main dish and now he thinks he might be in danger of losing the main dish if he doesn't convince you?

Because he knows she's not viable alternative relationship for one reason of another and doesn't want to be single/lose his relationship?

Because he's losing his position of power and decision making and possibly having it taken out if his hands if you make it?

Because it was only meant to be some fun, ego gratification, selfishness and wasbt supposed to endanger/end your elationship anx he's shitting himself it might?

Only he knows.

I think the same thing I did the last time you told us how much he was taking the piss out of you

You need to stop trying to find a way of staying with this bloke. Or get that lobotomy booked in. It really is as simple as that. You know he is making a fool out of you.