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Original poster

Should I forgive /believe him? And be happy with text

119 replies

bellareena · 31/03/2019 09:49

I wrote a post before about how I found my dp txting another woman from work. It was classic sexting but also worrying because he seemed to have a EA to her. Hard to say but the post I wrote , the majority said to leave him. I didn't co front him straight away as I was so distraught.

I didn't wanna get into a bad place

Anyway, cut a long story short we were out Friday night for a wedding do. I got absolutely slaughtered , and ended up confronting him but in a rly silly way because I was so drunk :(

I was crying loads (this is what I can remember) but started to try ring her in front of him because at first he was denying it. Luckily, I had her number saved. She obviously didn't answer it it was after midnight but it was a few times I'd rang her.

Dp was extremely apologetic - cried, admitted it was just an ego thing n she's given him loads of attention n he kept saying how he was so stupid, tried to explain it as he only had ego kicks from it but would never had done anything.
We made up and the next morning he was still very apologetic, saying sorry etc n then told me had text her saying

"That was (my name) that was ringing u last night eek but think Iv sorted it"

I was more angry with this txt than anything else. To me it sounds like he's saying Iv sorted her out we can still carry on? Does anyone agree? I just need some light shed on the text and also where to go from here,

He did show me the txt and her reply which was "great" obviously being sarcastic I suppose

I'm just still very tender and confused by all this. How can I trust him now? He will be in work tomorrow, can I rly trust nothing will happen between them?

OP posts:
katy78 · 01/04/2019 12:07

If I'm not thinking about leaving him, why would I make another post?
Your thread title is literally can I forgive him?!!

katy78 · 01/04/2019 12:14

The reality is the only way this relationship is ever going to end is with him dumping you.

Closetbeanmuncher · 01/04/2019 13:00

The reality is the only way this relationship is ever going to end is with him dumping you

100% accurate

inlectorecumbit · 01/04/2019 13:25

I think the OP is waiting for that one poster who says that there in nothing going on, he is totally innocent and she should forgive him, move on and go to Saudi,
Until then she will keep on and on about how she is going to leave- but she might forgive him Hmm
come on OP the whole of MN can see through this relationship open your eyes wide and see it for what it is....
OVER

Original poster
bellareena · 01/04/2019 19:00

Because if you reread the other post, some posters were telling me to get proof that it was physical. And moved on to a PA.
I never got that proof but I saw the texts about them not doing anything physical. So I needed to know as the posts had turned.
Not excusing his behaviour but I was certain they'd had moved it on further. They didn't
I don't think I can get through it anyway as I'm constantly thinking he is going to be doing something with her at work to put me off scent

OP posts:
category12 · 01/04/2019 19:00

Is his dick solid gold?

katy78 · 01/04/2019 19:52

If YOU reread your other thread, you will see posters telling you it is irrelevant whether or not it has turned physical. It changes nothing.

Also what makes you think it hasn’t turned physical? Because he said so?

katy78 · 01/04/2019 20:00

Look it’s very clear you want to stay with him no matter what. So I would just try and learn to accept he is going to be sexting and probably having sex with other women. He’s done it throughout your relationship. This is what he wants to do and you cannot stop him. It’s no good policing him. That’s not going to stop him either. He sexted his colleague because he wanted to. Sure he can blame it on her saying she was giving him loads of attention, but if you remember you stated in the messages it was him doing all the chasing and she didn’t even seem particularly interested. The fact is, he did this because he wanted to, not because she was giving him attention. So can you accept this is who he is? I think you need to leave him alone and let him get on with sexting and having sex with whoever he wants. There is no other way forward in this relationship. You cannot change him so if you aren’t happy with this situation, you need to leave. You have made it quite clear you aren’t going to leave so I think you do need to put up and shut up, stop checking his phone and have periodic STD checks.

funnylittlefloozie · 01/04/2019 20:06

I agree with katy78. You're not going to change and neither us he, so you might as well put up and shut up. If you're not married, you won't be going to Saudi with him either, so start planning for that.

fancythats · 02/04/2019 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bellareena · 02/04/2019 15:57

Well I know from the last txt I saw nothing physical happened between them bare in mind he doesn't know what texts I've read and how long Iv been reading them (I never revealed)

He said that's why nothing happened between them cos he couldn't have gone through with it

I did even say on the last post I did that he had plenty of times he could have gone out in the evening but never did. So I don't think I'm unreasonable to consider forgiving him?

OP posts:
brickingmyselfaboutthis · 02/04/2019 16:01

OP why do you need validation from Mumsnet? You're going to stay with him and sacrifice your daughters MH whatever anyone says.

Original poster
bellareena · 02/04/2019 16:07

I was asking advice re: the text message he sent and advice for anyone who's been through it before.
Isn't that what MN is for too?

Seeking advice/thoughts that you couldn't necessarily get in real life.

OP posts:
magoria · 02/04/2019 16:17

How could you ever forgive a man who has contributed to your DD's MH issues and caused SS to be involved in their lives?

What is it that won't let you walk away and make a better life for your DC?

Original poster
bellareena · 02/04/2019 16:24

That was a long time ago, he's changed now. I've been fully honest and said he's been emotionally and financially abusive to me in the past. It's been over a year two since he hasn't.

I'm not saying that I'm forgiving or staying with him. I'm weighing up my options. It's not like everything is hunky dory. Every day, I'm reflecting on my conflicting emotions.

Also, my daughter has had intervention with Ed-psychs and it seemed the root of her problems were bullying she had suffered in the past. In fact, the ed-psych told me she had a very good relationship view with her dad in the meeting so even I was a bit baffled.

Only 4!days til he founds out about the job .

OP posts:
brickingmyselfaboutthis · 02/04/2019 17:05

You've had hundreds of Mumsnetters tell you to leave him for various reasons-abusive/controlling/sexting/emotional affair but still you're waiting for the one who'll tell you to stay with him
You can't help those who won't help them self

katy78 · 02/04/2019 17:32

We know you are going to forgive him. You know you are going to forgive him. He knows you are going to forgive him. Doesn’t matter what texts he does or doesn’t send. Doesn’t matter whether he carries on sexting this colleague or finds a new woman to sext. You are never ever going to choose to leave this relationship.

PoppyD93x · 02/04/2019 17:39

I sent you a private message a few days ago OP but not sure you've received to so I'll put it here..

Hi i have just read your latest thread and remember a few of your other posts. Everyone is making out like it is so easy to leave someone you love/someone you have spent years with. Like you can just click your fingers and end it there and then and just forget about them. Basically im just saying its not easy and i understand that. I can imagine if every one of the other posters we're in your postion they wouldn't be thinking its so easy anymore. Good luck with your decision whatever it maybe. Things will all work out for the best in the end. X

katy78 · 02/04/2019 17:44

Poppy, sometimes you have to think of your children and their welfare and place that above your desire and need to be with a man. He has made them homeless before and there is nothing to stop him doing so again. The OP is at his mercy. Becoming homeless is not in the OP’s children’s best interests.

PoppyD93x · 02/04/2019 17:49

I know its not right!! Its totally wrong. Im just letting op know that i understand its not an easy choice to make sometimes its so hard to leave someone you love no matter how much an arse they are. But yes op must think of her children and i hope she makes the right decision.

brickingmyselfaboutthis · 02/04/2019 18:00

@PoppyD93x I've been in OP's shoes and I'd still say leave every single time

Papayalady · 02/04/2019 18:19

Sorry, you're going through this, but honestly, your partner is behaving like a spoilt teenager. If he was truly remorseful why on earth did he text her again?! It makes no sense to me.
Let him go for the sake of your mental health and confidence. How much longer can you deal with the stress he's creating for you? It's not right, hon.
Leave, and focus on rebuilding your confidence and find a man who won't feel the need to have ego boosts outside your relationship. You should be enough for him. And you will be for a better man.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but please put your happiness first. It's not worth all of this worry when he's not reciprocating.
Good luck x

bagpiss · 02/04/2019 19:05

Op, are you the lady who posted under a user name beginning with 'Ac'?
If so, you've even said yourself that all your friends and family Have been horrified about some of the things he's done and how he treats you. Read some of your own posts back. He is massively taking the piss, he has absolutely no respect for you at all. I know you wish it could all go back to how it used to be but that is not going to happen. Do yourself and your kids a huge favour and let him get on with panting around other women like the dog he is.

SandyY2K · 02/04/2019 19:26

This relationship will end when you've outlived your usefulness to him. Then he will dump you from a great height.

You select the odd post about getting proof of a physical affair...so her being on top is no issue for you.

Him not wanting to spend family time with you without his parents isn't a big enough issue for you.

You say he's changed? How? He hasn't stopped sexting other women.

He won't allow you to do your own thing like join a sports club.

He leaves your oldest to look after her sister and shouts at her if she gets hurt.... so if these are changes for the better....your bar isn't just low... it's as underground as London's tube network.

You're better off accepting he's a cheater and stop stressing yourself.

He probably knew you'd read the messages and subsequent ones were planted to make you think nothing physical has happened. He wants to be her sperm donor... sexting alone won't do the job.

katy78 · 02/04/2019 19:28

he has absolutely no respect for you at all.
And no wonder when she has no respect for herself. Anyone with self-respect would have been long gone. OPs self-worth is at rock bottom. What a shame she cannot see this. The only way to get self-respect is to make decisions which say that you value yourself. Staying and “forgiving” (although you won’t be forgiving you will just be obsessively monitoring him and checking his phone etc) in your situation is not a decision that will give you self-respect. Respect yourself and others will follow. Be a mum your children can respect, not one they won’t be able to get away from quick enough once in their teens.
Your situation is dire because you have ended up totally dependent on him to the extent he has the power to make you homeless. His actions have zero consequences because YOU will never leave.

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