Should I forgive /believe him? And be happy with text

[bellareena]

I wrote a post before about how I found my dp txting another woman from work. It was classic sexting but also worrying because he seemed to have a EA to her. Hard to say but the post I wrote , the majority said to leave him. I didn't co front him straight away as I was so distraught.

I didn't wanna get into a bad place

Anyway, cut a long story short we were out Friday night for a wedding do. I got absolutely slaughtered , and ended up confronting him but in a rly silly way because I was so drunk :(

I was crying loads (this is what I can remember) but started to try ring her in front of him because at first he was denying it. Luckily, I had her number saved. She obviously didn't answer it it was after midnight but it was a few times I'd rang her.

Dp was extremely apologetic - cried, admitted it was just an ego thing n she's given him loads of attention n he kept saying how he was so stupid, tried to explain it as he only had ego kicks from it but would never had done anything.
We made up and the next morning he was still very apologetic, saying sorry etc n then told me had text her saying

"That was (my name) that was ringing u last night eek but think Iv sorted it"

I was more angry with this txt than anything else. To me it sounds like he's saying Iv sorted her out we can still carry on? Does anyone agree? I just need some light shed on the text and also where to go from here,

He did show me the txt and her reply which was "great" obviously being sarcastic I suppose

I'm just still very tender and confused by all this. How can I trust him now? He will be in work tomorrow, can I rly trust nothing will happen between them?

But @SandyY2K don't forget there's a family holiday, a wedding (or two) and a move to Saudi to deal with first!! Never let a bit of infidelity get in the way of 2 weeks at Butlins with the in laws!!

Fgs do not marry him. He cheats on you. You will regret this for ever.

He will leave you one day OP and you will regret not taking control. Please start to put money away for yourself; rejoin your basketball club and create a life for yourself and your girls that is not so reliant on him. It’s clear you aren’t going to leave him so protect yourself for when he ends things with you. And don’t rely on support from his family. They will side with their son.

Please don’t even think about moving to KSA .. rules are different for woman and there’s no augar coating it you won’t have much of a leg to stand on.. from ypur constant posts you look for sympathy, suggestions, empathy but then it’s like you give /show everyone the proverbial finger and then find excuses for his behaviour .. smh ... get your ducks in a row and yes it will be extremely difficult to be on your own with your kids but lady you (in my humble opinion) need to find peace in yourself .. you are always worried and stressed not forgetting suspicious .. surely it’s eating away at you and draining your energy everyday ..
take time out for yourself and make a decision and live with it ..

If you are going to stay with him you need to stop prying into his messages .. you have to trust that he is solely yours .. and build a relationship with him .. sit down and hash it out .. one way or another OP .. I don't know how do you function day to day ..

Best wishes always no matter what you decide to do .. I would not wish your situation on anyone 🌷

Im not sure the bar is even that high @SandyY2K

50,000 leagues under the sea...

If OP wasn't so intent on excuses, denial and putting having a man before the welfare of her girls I would have a lot more empathy.

Op you need to leave him!
Honestly, I've not read all the thread but you saying about him crying doesn't really mean anything.
I spent years with an ex who treated me much the same way, I saw texts, Facebook messages, and it was obvious he was having emotional affair at least, probably more, but each time I confronted him he managed to talk me in to staying, which didn't take much as I was scared of being alone!
It all came to a head when I found out he'd been sleeping with a woman from his work, I told him that was it, and meant it that time! I left him crying and sobbing, and felt nothing but relief!
I remember thinking I'd confronted him so many times over the years and he had denied everything, cried when he thought he'd ruined things, but then continued to treat me that way! That's when I realised that some men are just like that, they lie, and can cry when they feel like they are going to loose you, but if you forgive this op it won't change!
He is obviously playing games here, lying cheating and turning on the waterworks in desperation when he thinks you've caught him, but he won't change!
My ex cryed the day I left, and was texting telling me he was heart broken and wanted things to work, yet that same evening my friend saw him on a date with ow, she said he didn't look heart broken!
Sorry to sound blunt but you need to leave him! He's treating you awfully and you deserve more!

I've read many of the threads you've posted, with increasing dismay. It saddens me to think that you would put your "relationship" (inverted commas entirely deserved) above the needs of your children. They need to be - should be - the most important people in your life.

This shopping around for an opinion / 'experience' that matches your own is desperate. The advice here is unilaterally the same: leave this man and end the cycle of abuse before it starts to permeate your daughters' lives. You seem unable to hear that, which is understandable on some demented level - it's preferable to fool yourself by lowering your standards exponentially, rather than looking at the big scary truth. I suspect the only way this will happen is when (not if) he leaves you and you'll be forced to claw your way back up from rock bottom. What a shame to have to go through that, when you could choose to make the right decision now and leave with some dignity.

For what it's worth I think an emotionally invested relationship (as your partner clearly has with this other woman) is much more dangerous than a one night stand. You're using the fact that - in your opinion - they haven't been physical as a get out of jail free card, when actually their continued involvement is making so much more of a mockery of you.

Please listen to what's being said by everyone here. Don't let your daughters think that this is what it looks like to be a woman.

@brickingmyselfaboutthis

Of course...I forgot....the family holiday must go ahead.

@Closetbeanmuncher

It's incredibly sad. I really wish part of the national curriculum was teaching children in high school (from about year 9/10), about self esteem, valuing themselves, recognising abusive and controlling relationships and the damage that staying in such relationships can do to you and your children.

OP - Somewhere along the way you've developed the view that you don't deserve better than this. I'm not sure if you see him as better than you in terms of physical attraction, career, intelligence or wealth and feel lucky to be with him.

Unless and until you value yourself, gain self-respect and know your self-worth, nobody else will.

I have no idea why you seem so excited about the KSA job prospect.

You do realise that you will never even get into the country as an unmarried woman, and that you can't go as a partner that has had sex outside of marriage?

This is probably his route of disappearing, shagging as many third world service staff, and never giving you a cent of child support.

@SandyY2K

OP - Somewhere along the way you've developed the view that you don't deserve better than this. I'm not sure if you see him as better than you in terms of physical attraction, career, intelligence or wealth and feel lucky to be with him.

Bloody hell, you're spot on here

She's excited because it's her sole chance of getting married to this sack of shit him. Her mum is encouraging it on that basis.

@motherlondon

Don't think you've read my posts clearly, I do not want to go to Saudi with him. I was pointing out he has applied to a job he wants in KSA and wants to take us all out there so he was planning to get married to me.

I'm well aware of the Saudi laws as my family are Muslim and I have many family members who live out there

I do not want to go there at all. My plan was if he gets the job to say to him that he should go first because of my job and my daughters school then I would come out later, all the while having no intention to do this

It would be perfect as he's already agreed he would go out there initially anyway and I would join him after the school year finishes.

I don't care if he shags a thousand women in Saudi, out of sight out of mind IMO

Can you take a step back and think of your sister, your adult daughter or a friend was talking to you and saying 'I don't care if my partner shags a thousand women'? - and what you would honestly say to them?

I hope UK has reciprocal CS laws with KSA or I reckon you won't see him or any of his salary for dust. Literally.

If your aware of KSA's laws then he is too, presuming you e spoken about them? And so he would know that your daughter will never get a RP, be able to have health care, schooling or anything as she was born out of wedlock?
So why is he pretending along with you that you're all going to be happy families in KSA?

If you are Muslim and have family living IN Saudi, I want to reiterate what a disastrous decision it would be for you to go there.

Don't consider it for a moment.

As unfair as it is, if you are Muslim and have family ties to Saudi, there will will be nothing the British govt could (or, I'm sorry to say, would) do to extract you and bring you/your children home to the UK.

For you, your family circumstances, the risk is even higher than usual - and the usual is high enough.

Don't ever let your children go there ... or even to a neighbouring country. Keep all visitation and contact inside the UK.

I don't care if he shags a thousand women in Saudi, out of sight out of mind IMO

But you would still be in a relationship with him?

Op, you do realise that your fond imaginings that your dp's parents will continue to be supportive will go straight out of the window, if you marry him and then back out of going?

He will say quite plausibly that you only married him to try to get a claim on assets.

And they will believe him because that's exactly what it'll look like, (and possibly is.) And then your lovely plan of staying put in their property will be screwed.

You don't care of he shags a thousand women, yet in the last breath saying infidelity was a deal breaker for you??

Every two minutes you're changing your opinion or backtracking...either you are not sound of mind or this whole thing is made up entirely.

You seem to have the intention of getting your hands on his house at any cost...why?

@SandyY2K I agree absolutely that it needs to be taught in the curriculum, my guess in this instance is that it's OPs mother who's drummed half this nonsense into her head.

Bloody hell, you're spot on here

But why do you think you accept this behaviour from him?

The sexting other women?

Him controlling your sporting activity?

Did you have relationships before him? If so, what were they like? Is he a bit older than you?

It's so evident you have little value for yourself.

I have DDs and I'm so very mindful of instilling in them self worth and confidence. I see their reaction when I boost them. I want them to believe in themselves and not allow any man to put them down, because I know men like that are out there.

Kids learn a lot from parents... they look up to them.... they often think they know everything at a young age.

Your actions and the relationship you have, is what they will view as normal.

I think your eldest will resent a lot when she grows up, if she doesn't already.