I caught him texting someone else. My heart is in bits.

[charlesdontyouevercrave]

I’ve read so many of these on here but never thought I’d be writing one myself. On Friday I caught my boyfriend of three years texting another woman. The content of the texts was innocent enough but he was doing it in secret, on his old phone. When I caught him he told me he had wanted to leave me for a month but didn’t know how to tell me. This has come completely out of the blue. There was no sign that he was unhappy. We were trying for a baby, (in fact the last time we had sex he asked me shouldn’t we be doing it more than once a day, to increase our chances). Why would you try for a baby with someone you secretly wanted to leave?

I left my phone with my sister that night. The next day I had 54 messages: all variants on ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, let’s work it out’. I cracked and text him back but when I did, I got the feeling he wasn’t actually that interested in talking to me. So I blocked him. Two days later he emailed me saying he knew I’d blocked him but he needed to see me. I said I didn’t want to and asked him what it was he wanted to say. He told me he’d changed his mind again and didn’t want me back after all. I can’t see the point of this, given that we had already broken up. It’s not as if I was pestering him. It feels like he is deliberately trying to hurt me.

I worked at his business, so I am now out of a job. I am 38 next week so this was definitely my last chance to have children. I adored him. I never thought he would do this. No one did. Everyone I have told is gobsmacked. We had a great relationship. He was my best friend. I cannot understand why he’s done this or his behaviour since. Sorry for the essay and thanks if you’re still reading.

It doesn't feel like it now but you will feel better. This man isn't a decent man...thank goodness you DIDN'T have a baby with him. Can you imagine such a selfish article as a Father!?

You could have children if you wanted to. You could have one via donor sperm or you could foster or adopt.

It's YOUR life OP. You don't need some dickhead.

Regarding your employment...were you casually employed? He may have to deal with that properly.

I am so sorry that you're going through this. It's horrible, and I don't understand how someone can act out that double life. Take some time to work out whether you would be prepared to ever give him another chance / if you think it genuinely was only the innocent texts / if it's his version of a panic about impending (potential) fatherhood. If you think you can, go to couples therapy together to see if you think he understands it all. You should also read the multiple recent threads on here about having a child while not married to the father and the legal / financial implications of that.
Don't take him back if you're not absolutely satisfied with his responses on the basis that you think you won't have a child with someone else because you never know what's around the corner.
The job is a major added complication; if you can't continue, ensure that you get the appropriate departure package that you're entitled to - just because he was shagging you doesn't mean employment laws don't apply. xxx

Hello Charles; reading your message has taken 3 years back when I discovered my partner texts to another woman; I felt just like you; how my wonderful; loving partner could have done something like that; in my case I forgive him and two years later I discovered that in our 4 years relationship he has been in hook up datings sides; answering and putting adds in Craigslist encounters; I know is hard but count your blessings that you will not waste more time with a man like that; you see they never change; I’m much older that you and I just got out; you still young and will get there and I can see a good future for you x

No matter how many times these types of posts appear, it’s always wrenching to read... I’m sorry you have had to experience this. I don’t have much to advise except to take some time to let it sink in, rant at someone close who is willing to listen, surround yourself with those who support you when you need it, and respond as you need to - your take on it will fluctuate - suppressing thoughts and emotions is not very helpful or good in the longer term.

It is a huge shock in the early days especially as you had not expected it. It is difficult to repair the damage this will do to you, but it is possible. I hope you work this out in a way that makes you genuinely happy.

I worked at his business, so I am now out of a job.

Why?

This is important.

It was a zero hours contract in a tiny start to business I was helping him run so legally I have no rights. I do think that morally, he is obliged to give me something and i have told him that. He offered to make me a partner several times but I always said no as I felt that would give him the green light to push even more work off his to do list and onto mine. I’m kicking myself now obviously as I’m walking away with nothing

To be honest it was a shit job I didn’t really want, I was doing it to help him, that’s all. I’m actually trained to do something else. And I couldn’t possibly go back though he’s said I can. I couldn’t bear to look at him

Definitely a narrow escape. Poor you.

Sounds like he wanted you back as the reality of being alone hit him ( or his alternative option turned him down )

Please don't think this is your last chance to have a child.

My beautiful friend had a baby at 41.

And another lady went it alone with a donor on the nhs At 46.

Their children are awesome x

Just wanted to send some to you op. What a rat he is. You deserve so much better.

1. Do not do the "pick me" dance.

1. I had a baby at 39 yrs. My friend had one at 40 and a second at 42 yrs. This isn't your last chance.

1. Be grateful you didn't get pregnant with this liar.

Sending lots of love.

And go forth and wow the world and do what you were trained to do! He can keep his shitty job!

At least you have the training/skills to do something else, I'm stating the obvious but I'd start looking for a new job immediately; having that might help your emotional and mental state as well as the practical side of it.

At 38 it's not your last chance to have kids - I had my first at 41, my hairdresser her two at 40 and 42, I've just sold baby equipment on gumtree to a 44 yr old first time mother lots of women are having 40+.

To be honest it was a shit job I didn’t really want, I was doing it to help him, that’s all

He really doesn't deserve you.

I understand the pain you are going through. On the side, you have found out before you got in any deeper. You don't have kids with this prick and so you need never see him again.

It is not your last chance to have children. Please don't panic about this as it will affect your decision-making.

My advice? End this relationship ASAP. Change your phone number. Do not engage with your ex. Wallow a short while, dust yourself down and start making plans for your super new life.

As others have said you've dodged a bullet - someone who's shopping around and contacting other people while trying for a baby with their partner is, at best, mixed up, flaky and irresponsible; at worst a total and utter c*nt.

If you hadn't found out, he'd be doing the 'in, out, hokey cokey' thing he's clearly been doing secretly (and is now doing doing openly) while you were pregnant .. while you had his baby/child etc etc. He'd have done you a lot more damage than hd had at this point. It may seem ridiculous to say but you'vd actually been lucky.

I feel your pain completely but I promise you that you’ve dodged a bullet.. it won’t feel like that now and it won’t feel like that for a while but there will come a time when you realise it.

I’m 29, currently going through a divorce and was with my ex for 11 years .. he kissed someone else when we was 19 and teenage me forgave him.. summer last year (we was 3 weeks away from trying for a baby and only been married a year) he got in to bed with me and told me he didn’t love me anymore and 3 weeks later he had a new girlfriend .. I kick myself for not leaving him at 19 but it’s a lesson I’ve learnt.

Someone who can do that to you whilst trying for a baby isn’t the man you want as the father of you children. I promise you that life goes on and someone worthy of you is out there x

To add insult to injury, what he has done is bad enough but now you have broken-up he is still playing sadistic mind-games with you. You must stop letting him mess with your head any further. He's wasted enough of your time, don't let him have any more.

Thank goodness you found out now and not once you're pregnant by him. You don't need this kind of BS. He's lost out. Don't massage his ego by staying in contact with him, messaging etc.

In terms of having a baby, better to be a strong lone parent who knows where they are than be messed around by a deadbeat dad. Try for a baby OP on your own if you do want to be a mother and think you may not meet someone in the near future. Seek advise on your options (I.e sperm donor).

This website may help you, OP.

ChumpLady - Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life

www.chumplady.com/

It won’t feel this way right now but you have had a very lucky escape. Imagine having a life long connection to this cheating piece of shit...

You’re only just about to turn 38, it’s definitely not your final shot at motherhood.

I'm sorry you're hurting but it was a lucky escape. It is absolutely not your last chance to have children! You could meet Mr Right today, or next week, or even next year and settle down and have twins. It will happen, have faith and be thankful

You are lucky that you found out. I know it doesn't feel like that now but it would have been so much worse if you'd been pregnant and hadn't found out he was a lying cheat.
Keep him blocked on everything. Start applying for new jobs and try to relax a little. You haven't missed your last chance to have a baby. The only thing you've missed is having a life of unhappiness with a selfish, cheating arse.

Also just wanted to leave the message that OBVIOUSLY this was not your last chance to have children. I had babies at 40 and 42. This does perhaps form a good opportunity to reflect whether you want to wait to try for children (until you find the right person to have them with) or whether you want to go for it on your own. While you may have several years left, it doesn´t mean that your chances on conceiving will improve. So if you feel that your destiny in life is to be a mum, then perhaps you should now move on with it (by yourself). I don´t mean this rude, just as an advice as I (as so many others before) did encounter difficulties in getting and staying pregnant. Don´t waste more time on this man; being a single mum is hard but it is much harder to be in a relationship where you cannot trust the other.

We were trying for a baby, (in fact the last time we had sex he asked me shouldn’t we be doing it more than once a day, to increase our chances). Why would you try for a baby with someone you secretly wanted to leave?

Because some men are happy with being a dad if that means seeing the kid once every two weeks (or less if they can't be bothered) and not paying any maintenance. That he gets extra sex now is a bonus.

He is a creep and you are well rid.

What a dickhead he is. Be strong OP and don't waste precious time wallowing over what you have lost. He was not who you thought he was. Onwards and upwards

I would be very suspicious of his saying he wants you back. Does he mean he wants you back as a lover, life partner and mother to his children? Or is more that he has been caught short without someone to do the shit work on a zero hours contract in his business and is desperately trying to get you back on board for that?

You are doing all the right things OP and being very strong. Keep it up and make sure you are free and available when a nicer man crosses your path.