I caught him texting someone else. My heart is in bits.

[charlesdontyouevercrave]

I’ve read so many of these on here but never thought I’d be writing one myself. On Friday I caught my boyfriend of three years texting another woman. The content of the texts was innocent enough but he was doing it in secret, on his old phone. When I caught him he told me he had wanted to leave me for a month but didn’t know how to tell me. This has come completely out of the blue. There was no sign that he was unhappy. We were trying for a baby, (in fact the last time we had sex he asked me shouldn’t we be doing it more than once a day, to increase our chances). Why would you try for a baby with someone you secretly wanted to leave?

I left my phone with my sister that night. The next day I had 54 messages: all variants on ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, let’s work it out’. I cracked and text him back but when I did, I got the feeling he wasn’t actually that interested in talking to me. So I blocked him. Two days later he emailed me saying he knew I’d blocked him but he needed to see me. I said I didn’t want to and asked him what it was he wanted to say. He told me he’d changed his mind again and didn’t want me back after all. I can’t see the point of this, given that we had already broken up. It’s not as if I was pestering him. It feels like he is deliberately trying to hurt me.

I worked at his business, so I am now out of a job. I am 38 next week so this was definitely my last chance to have children. I adored him. I never thought he would do this. No one did. Everyone I have told is gobsmacked. We had a great relationship. He was my best friend. I cannot understand why he’s done this or his behaviour since. Sorry for the essay and thanks if you’re still reading.

I get it oP, I work with my H too and if it’s any consolation I don’t think these kind of guys are ever really happy, we have moved homes zillions of times, he has an extremely interesting job but something is always ‘wrong’ . I don’t think another woman will actually make them happier because inside they are just ‘unhappy’

I know all this in theory. It’s just getting through the weeks and days until I feel better. I don’t sleep until two and I wake up about six. The days just feel horribly long and I can’t think about anything else

The only way out is through, OP. It's tough - no doubt about it, but many women have been in your position and come out the other side. You sound smart, kind and switched-on. You can do this.

Treat yourself as if you are recovering from a really bad flu - you will feel weak, a bit weepy, tired, sleep badly etc. In a way you have been "ill" iyswim. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to something nice (food, perfume, whatever floats your boat). Immerse yourself in All Things Singapore and imagine you are already there.

Most importantly, give yourself no time to wallow. If you manage to get into therapy, try to let that be the time you let off steam and try to distract yourself from the subject of your ex outside of that. Even starting now, you can allow yourself one half-hour (you choose the time) of wallowing a day and then move on.

Try and book an appointment with a girlfriend or a hairdresser or whatever for first thing so you have to get up and going and do something to move your life along.

Buy one of the great self-help books out there "Women Who Love Too Much" is a classic, for instance. Immerse yourself in that and learn important stuff to take forward.

Please don't spend too much time alone. You need novelty and distraction. Mumsnet is always here, of course.

I am trying. Thank you x

I hope you are feeling a bit brighter today, OP x

hello zoella i have dm'd you because i'm slightly worried there's a lot of outing stuff on this thread and he knows i go on here

No worries, OP. Will be happy to discuss with you. X

Reply for you OP.

He's a snake in the grass and you deserve better than a rat like him.

Hear hear Sandy

You do deserve a lot better OP and I promise in time you will look back and be glad this ended and see him for what he is. You’re already having moments of enlightenment with hindsight.

Don’t let him get in the way of your dreams of starting a family. Take the bull by the horns and look into other means. You can always meet another man at a later date.

I do have flashes of feeling like it probably wasn’t meant to be and I might feel better in the future but since he’s stopped contacting me I just feel like I want him back on any terms. I know I can’t, I know it’s pathetic but that’s all I can think at the moment. I have mind a superstitious pact with myself that if I never get in touch with him again my book will get published. I am trying to do one positive thing for myself every day and I have arranged a phone call with a writer I know this afternoon, just to get some advice

Severance is painful, losing anything sudden, brutally unexpected will hurt. You will grieve.
You sound like you know he was holding you back, everything negative for you was positive for him, but smug boy needed more.. well now he has it.
Everyday will be a day towards healing, so have you sent off your passport ? You know you can book & get it the same day if you go to the Office in London !!

You’re all right, I know it in my head. I’ve just always been a bit of a slave to my emotions. But I know this isn’t just about him. He has become the locus for all my anxieties and fears but in truth I was very unhappy with how my life was before we split. I was waking up every morning with a feeling of dread in my stomach. Re my passport I’m not in London so it would probably be cheaper to pay for an emergency one than go all the way there

Righto !! you can do it all on line including the photo & the payment ! that should keep you busy for a while tomorrow !

Mix56 has it! Do it online.

A step towards a life without a knot in your stomach on waking every morning.

He thinks my life will be over without him in it.

Well, he was so wrong. You didn’t plead to stay together like he thought you would. Your strength and self-respect were showing.

While you were living your love and commitment by helping him with the business and trying to start a family, he was busy sneaking around with his old phone. He could have come to you with any issues. Instead, he took the unethical route. This is not about anything you did or didn’t do, but is absolutely about his weak character.

Speaking of unethical, his making ’suggestions’ to help along the baby-making while simultaneously betraying and planning to leave you is unconscionable. What a conniving pretender.

You are in shock and feeling very wounded. When your anger kicks in, you will be able to move through to healing. This man was bringing you down, and it sounds like you were allowing yourself to stagnate. Now you are free to find all the colors that are inside you.

You’re so right. And I suddenly feel so much better. I wrote him a long letter today which I will never send, but it was so cathartic. I’m sure I’ll backslide again at some point but ever since writing it I’ve felt really positive. I’ve been going over the final draft of my book today and there’s some really good writing in there. I’m actually feeling excited to send it off. Tomorrow I’m going to church with my sister then cooking lunch for my mum. If I hadn’t caught him last week, I’d be spending mother’s day in his stinky little chicken shop, deputising for him, while he had a nice time at home! So every cloud. Thank you again to everyone who’s commented. It’s been such a tonic to come on here and feel supported

He thinks my life will be over without him in it.

*I'd make it my life's work to demonstrate just how wrong he is. He is odious.

Stay strong OP.*

You are doing so well, OP! Sounds like you may have turned a corner

Your long letter idea was great - as you say, very cathartic. Don't be afraid to cry and rage and punch those pillows if you feel the need.

Well done with your final draft - it's great you are starting to get excited about YOUR life for a change instead of being this guy's one-woman support system.

If I hadn’t caught him last week, I’d be spending mother’s day in his stinky little chicken shop, deputising for him, while he had a nice time at home!

This made me laugh. Lucky escape, I say! Let this foul man sort his own fowl out, haha xxx

Thank you xx I’m afraid I had a bit of a relapse this morning. We went to church and I kept remembering the last time we were there for my niece’s christening. It was such a lovely day and I loved him being there with me and all my family. I just sat there and cried. BUT I have to keep reminding myself this was an anomaly. Our Sundays were not usually like this. Sundays were normally spent in his shop, trying to marshall the team of monkeys he calls staff, stinking of hot fat and scraping bits of ingrained cheese off the floor because no one else could be bothered. Lately, I’d been doing it by myself, to give him two days off together because apparently two off apart don’t count. I have to keep remembering that what I’m mourning is not the real relationship but what I hoped it would become.

Sorry to hear you had a rough morning, but it sounds like you pulled through with a bit of rational thinking. That's "all" you really have to do to get through this - follow your dreams, seek pleasurable things to do and by kind to yourself, grieve when you must, remind yourself of the reality of your relationship and what you have gained by getting out. Over time, the pain and memories fade and new options open about before you. Yes, all too often we find ourselves falling in love with a man's potential, rather than the reality. You can do this, OP. Just keep on keeping on XX

Sundays were normally spent in his shop, trying to marshall the team of monkeys he calls staff, stinking of hot fat and scraping bits of ingrained cheese off the floor because no one else could be bothered. Lately, I’d been doing it by myself, to give him two days off together because apparently two off apart don’t count

You were too damn good to him, that's for sure!

Good God....... You were not fulfilling your potential in that manky shop.

OP stay strong. You are so much better off without him. Move on and away from that horrible business. He will find it hard to run the business without you doing the hard work. I had a child at 39. I have friends mid 40s having first babies. Don’t worry about that. You will be fine and you will succeed without him. Today is often hard for many any reasons so don’t worry about being sad in church.

I've just renewed a passport on line... its soooo easy! And fast. I did the photos and application last Saturday and posted my old passport off on Monday. My new passport came on Wednesday! That fast.